God's plan is far greater than my own plan for our life

You read it right my friends....

GOD'S PLAN IS FAR GREATER THAN THESE PLANS I HAVE FOR MYSELF AND OUR LIFE

And the same goes for your life as well.

Even YOU!

I say this to lead up to this...

I got up this morning, knots in my stomach, nervous as all get out because since starting this journey 6 years ago, I have never been regular with my monthly visitor or "Aunt Flo" as us Infertile Myrtle's like to call it. The past 2 years since starting aggressive treatment with our current and most favorite Doctor, I have been 28-30 days on my cycle which is HUGE for me!! So, being any day "late" on Aunt Flo is a big deal and causes much stress and nervousness and excitement....

With that said, I tested this morning...And got a big fat negative...again...

I sat and cried for a minute or two and then slowly realized in that time of sadness and disappointment that God has a bigger plan for us. Brandon and I have been talking a lot about adoption and other more aggressive treatment options for us. Maybe those are our paths we should take....From this point we are to just remain faithful and continue praying to God and praising Him for his blessings and for getting us this far in our journey, to where we know what our issues are and for the lesson we are learning more and more everyday....WAIT...ON....GOD....

Yes, wait on God. He knows our destiny and our next move or next step before we ever do! He knows the outcome and we are to just trust in Him and keep our faith in Him to give us what we NEED. God will always provide, just not when we want Him too. He works on His own time and His own schedule...Not ours.

This month is another reminder that I need to keep pursing Him and quit trying to make things happen for myself. Over the past 2 to 3 months I have lost myself in grief and disappointments....I lost God in that too but its time to get back up, dust off and keep going....Stronger than before.

 Please keep us in your prayers. We still have a long way to go and we are not going to give up just yet. When God tells us it is time to sit back from the treatment and just go a different path, then we will do that. But until then, I am still going to take a break, pray without ceasing, trust in Him to bless us with our baby, and wait to start another cycle just yet with our Doctor.

Love you all!! <3 I pray you guys have a great week!!

Feel free to leave your comments here on the blog. Emailing is fine but I am not diligent with my email...(yeah, I am an email slacker). I love all of the messages I get. They keep me going strong! 

Let your Faith be bigger than your Fears

Its been a while my faithful readers! I sat here and thought today "Man, I NEED to blog tonight". I just get these days where blogging is such an outlet for me. Its a release that is unexplainable. It clears my mind and I do not do it near as often as I should. I see some blogs where people post their every move and like 6-10 posts a day. I don't want to bore you guys so I will NEVER post 6-10 posts a day...Unless, I get pregnant...Then my friends, this blog will be blowed up with posts! LOL

So, where are we? Yes, I have been asked this sooooo much in the past couple of weeks. So many times I can't count on my fingers and toes....

WE ARE STILL WAITING!

Yes my friends, we are still on the wait. We have not made plans for starting back with treatment just yet. We have been actively charting and trying at home and I am now.......8 DAYS LATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Of course this DOES NOT mean I am pregnant but its farther than we have been in a long time. For the past 2 years I have gotten on a regular schedule with my "Aunt Flo" and last month was dead on 29 days. This month has not been the case. I took a HPT (Home Pregnancy Test) on the 6th day and it was negative but I have been told to not test until Day 10 or further just to make sure the HcG is prominent in the urine. So...now I have to wait until then and see what God has in store for us. We are not giving up although it has crossed my mind often. But we shall see.

This Saturday July 12th, my hubby and I celebrated 6 years of marriage. Today we have been together 12 years and 10 months. WOW! I can't even believe it myself because it doesn't seem like we have been together this long. We have so much to be thankful for even though the past 6 years have brought about much tragedy and heartache. God has placed us in some amazing places at amazing times to meet new people and lead them where they needed to be in order to reach for their dreams. For that I am ever so grateful and thankful. Even if I never get my prayer answered for a baby, I will still be here to advocate for women who are suffering from Infertility and need inspiration, hope and guidance. So just always know this!


Please join us in praying for our baby we have yet to be blessed with. We are ever so grateful and thankful for all of the prayers you guys send up for us! God knows our future and he knows our hearts. When he gets ready, he will bless us with way more than we have ever dreamed of and ever prayed for. He is faithful to those who keep their faith in Him. Brandon and I have all of our faith in Him. Right where it needs to be.

We love you guys. I know I do not update often but you must know how hard this journey is for me. One day I am all for talking about it and blogging about it but some days, no matter how much faith and trust you put in God, you still have times where you just want to lay in bed and cry all day because what you want more than anything in this world is so far away from your reach. I will update at soon as I work the nerve up to take another test within the next few days. I am not getting my hopes up but I know that God already knows the outcome.

For the men with empty arms and full hearts!

Each year for the past 6 years, when Mother's Day rolls around, I dread it...I cry and wish and cry and hope and cry...and cry...It is a sad day for me because I want nothing more than to be able to celebrate God blessing me with a child that will call me "Mommy" (or whatever else they want to call me). I know how broken hearted I am on Mother's Day and I know Father's Day for so many men is a sad day too (even though they may not admit it or show it). My hubby being one of those men.

Father's Day is a day for us to celebrate the men in our lives who have taught us something that will forever be engraved on our hearts and our lives. Father's Day is a day to celebrate the men in our lives who have showed unconditional love and affection to us when we needed it the most and most likely did not deserve it. Father's Day is a day to celebrate the men in our lives who are special to us for so many reasons. Now, did I say that any of those men have to be our Dad's? Of course not!! Although 99.9% of the men in our lives who have done all of the above is our Daddy! Some may not have an actual "father" to celebrate for whatever reason. That man may be a grandfather, an uncle, a friend of the family, a step father, a brother, a cousin or just a good friend. Let's not link Father's Day or Mother's Day to just our Mom and Dad!

With that said, I want to take time out to say a few things about my husband! He may not be a "father" yet in the traditional sense, but let me tell you, this man has a Father's heart for sure. He is a big kid with a giant heart who loves unconditionally and is affectionate, who teaches new things to me on a daily basis, who is always 100% into the lives of others with his whole heart and is more than special to me! He works his butt off for his family and never complains not one bit. He loves me when I am not loveable. That, my friends, is a Father in the making! God has given my love, the heart of a Father. Although we are still waiting on that precious little one of ours to ascend from Heaven, Brandon is still a Father in so many ways! I can't say that our marriage is perfect or that he is perfect. No one is perfect. We all have our faults, marriages are not always the best especially when you are going through infertility and sometimes we feel as though we just can't do it anymore. But right now, in our lives and on this Father's Day, I have to say that God doesn't make mistakes (as if we didn't already know this). God put Brandon in my life when he did for a reason. He planned out our lives from the beginning and each of us were already in the plan for one another. Our infertility was already there too. God has it all planned out. God gave Brandon his very own heart...The heart of a Father! And he made him especially for me! For that I am so thankful!

For all of you men out there who are longing to be able to celebrate "Father's Day", now is just as good of a time as when you have a child in your arms. Each and every one of you, who are saved and has Jesus in your heart, has the heart of a Father! We have the Holy Spirit in our hearts to guide us each day and night. That Holy Spirit is the Spirit of God my friends!! And God is our Father!!! Don't ever feel that you are not a Father just because you do not have children on this earth! As I have said before about being a Mother, it is not just about having a child of your own in your arms or about being called "Daddy". Its about leaving something special on the hearts of those you are around. Its about teaching others things about life or whatever, and leaving that on their hearts. My Brandon is definitely a Father in my eyes. And I know that in God's time, he will be holding his baby in his arms for the first time.

I must say I am so thankful for a Heavenly Father that loves me at my worst, forgives me when I am not worthy of being forgiven, listens to me when I cry and yell at Him for not giving me what I want when I want it and blesses me more than I notice sometimes. I am thankful for a Heavenly Father who makes promises that He keeps and gives me hope when I am not so hopeful. He loves me unconditionally when I am not loveable at all. For this I am ever so thankful!

My Dad is not here with me on this earth anymore. That doesn't mean I cannot celebrate the 22 years I got with him on this earth. I miss and love him more than I could ever express but I know he is in such a better place. Don't get me wrong...I am selfish! I want him here with me and my family. I can assure you that even if he had the chance to come back to this earth, you best believe he would not want too! I have a Papa that has always been like a Father to me and has always shown all of us grand kids unconditional love and support! I am so thankful for him and his guidance (that I almost always never applied to my own life and wish I had) and his unconditional love! This Father's Day I will celebrate these things!

I am so blessed in my own life with great men who have left lasting impressions on my life! I am so thankful for the "Father's" I get to celebrate this Father's Day! For all of you men out there with empty arms this Father's Day, I am thinking of you and praying for you! God will fill those arms of yours when the time is just right!! Never lose hope!!

Recently in Lutherville...

I have had a lot of people ask why I haven't updated my blog in a few weeks. So, I figured I would post and let everyone know how things are currently going for us on this journey to become parents.

In my last post, I let everyone know that Brandon and I have decided to take a short break to "recollect" ourselves and just let my body relax for a bit. We are still on that same road, waiting to decide when will be the best "starting back date" for us. We have been praying about it and God hasn't spoken to us yet with when is a good time.

Emotionally, making a decision to take a break has been the hardest of my life. The "what if" is killing me, but I know physically I need to take some time for me. Even mentally, I need some time. The past 6 years I have religiously tested every single month, at the least with 2 tests. I have practically used my husband, most of the time, as just a sperm donor. I have lost who I am in this whole emotional mess I am in. I have taken basal temps, charted what was supposed to be ovulation that never happened, lay with my butt in the air for hours and hours and hours, checked for cervical mucus (gross I once thought but now if its there it is such a blessing),  taken all kinds of weird vitamins, drank special teas, ate special food, lost 50 pounds (which still isn't enough), seen 5 different doctors including 3 GYN and 2 Reproductive Endo,  had biopsies of my uterus, exam after exam after exam, probably would be a 2 or 3 gallon blood giver by now if it was being measured with all of the lab work I have had done over the past 6 years, been sick almost every month for the past 2 years due to medication additions and adjustments including one hospital stay for a jacked up heart, had to see a shrink and a therapist, lost friends, lost enough money to buy a brand new home,  starting to lose a marriage that I so deeply do not want to lose because we have neglected one another in the midst of trying to conceive, quit my job to pursue treatments and work on my BA....I am sure so many more things have occurred but right now my brain is at its whits end so that is all I can recollect right now.

With all of that said, there are some pretty good things that have came out of this. I wouldn't want to leave those things out! This is how God is working in my life!  For instance, I have met some pretty amazing people on this journey! Life long friends and some do not even live here and I may not ever meet them in person because they live across the country. But these ladies have been so supportive, loving and caring that I will always have a special place in my heart for them. The most important thing is that I came to really know Jesus through this journey! I got saved on April 20, 2011 after getting to the end of my own personal, lonely rope. I knew that the only way I was going to make it was by finding Jesus and starting a relationship with Him! Since then, I have had the amazing opportunity to share God's faithfulness through this journey by writing this blog and being able to speak to women on a one to one basis and most recently spoke at my church on Mother's Day about our story. Although I am always generally negative about this whole journey (there isn't much positive about wanting something you can't have), there are specific reasons I am thankful for it, like the ones above! In every miserable, depressing journey, there are always a few things God sends us to show us that He is at work in it. This story of mine is a great example!

For those that have asked me through Facebook, we are NOT "giving up" or stopping treatments. Right now, our Doctor wants to work a few things out with Brandon's sperm (at my request) which is still low in numbers. Doc thinks more than 3 million is great for IUI but I still feel like we need as many as we can possibly get!  He will go in for another semen analysis here soon and we will go from there. If the count has gone up then we will stay where we are, not adding in any new meds for him and pray for God to give us the answers we are looking for as to when we should start back treatments. Right now I am trying to make a decision about school and our future. I already know I will be a stay at home Mom because this is something Brandon and I have talked about for a very long time now. But I want to have a good career that I can fall back on in the instance we need it. So that is important to us right now too, that we make the right decisions. I know if we continue treatments, I will not be able to start any type of program because with my blood pressure and my A-Fib I would be most likely high risk and I do not know what will come of that and pregnancy mixed together. And of course, our baby or babies will ALWAYS come first!

Please join us in praying for answers! We are praying specifically for God to manifest to us when we should go back and do another round of treatments. We are praying for Brandon's count to be more than 10 million on his next analysis! We are also praying for God to guide us in what our next step will be for treatment. We are currently talking IVF but have not made any decisions, considering the amount of money it costs for IVF ($8,000-$10,000 for one cycle depending on what type of IVF we do) and the toll it takes on my body. Plus our Doctor has told us many times that we do not need IVF because nothing is wrong other than a low but not severely low, sperm count. So we are praying for answers to all of that right now. God will not lead us down the wrong path. We have faith that He will work it all out for our good! I love getting messages from you guys asking questions and being concerned for us! I love the encouragement because even the most faithful gets down in the dumps every now and then (not that I am the most faithful but I am working on it). It really helps me get through! Thank you all for the kind words and prayers! Keep them coming! Also, please pray for healing for my heart. I have been having some more issues with palpitations most likely bouts of A-Fib again as well as an unstable blood pressure (high). I know its stress because I have been stressing about many things including when to start another round of treatment. So please pray for that as well!! I love you all and I will continue to pray for all of my fellow infertility sisters! God is with us ladies!! Always with us!!!
P.S: I haven't forgotten about blogging my personal testimony of how and why I found Jesus when I did. I am still praying about that too!

(Disclaimer: Everything in my blog posts is my own personal experience. We each have our own story)

Quick Update

I haven't been as diligent with blogging lately as I initially was. Maybe it is because this whole journey is burning me out...Sometimes I just need a breather away from everything "fertility" related. Usually a day or two but not weeks. Man I am slacking!

Okay, so I wanted to update everyone where we stand right now with our treatments and cycles, etc.

We are currently taking a much needed break from treatments. We are still taking the medications however we are not going in for the many ultrasounds and pokes and prods. We are just hanging out at home, trying to re find one another. Infertility is hard on the individuals experiencing it by all means. But, it can take its toll on your marriage and other relationships as well. And let me just say, my marriage and the relationship my husband and I have, has definitely did a nose dive into the dirt over the past few years. The main issue isn't really the infertility. Its mainly family issues that continue to plague us year after year due to jealousy and enviousness and just plain sickness. I have never seen people, especially family (in my case...extended family would be more appropriate because I do not consider for the most part "family") try to ruin a young marriage but boy oh boy was I wrong! So, we will deal with what we have to, cut out what we have to, do whatever in our power to make this work. After all, we still love each other...We just have to find the romance and erotic pleasure we once had, prior to baby making and doctors. All of the "fun" of sex just goes away when you are on a calendar every single month. Its the spur of the moment sex that makes my heart go pitter patter...Not the "Get in here, we are on CD 15 and need to be doing the baby dance". Even if you aren't in the mood, you learn to "lay there" and take one for the team. Well, it gets unhealthy and causes arguments and disagreements...So we have decided to put our marriage and our relationship up front for the moment. After all, who wants to bring a baby into a screwed up relationship situation...NOT US!

I have stayed in contact with our care coordinator about our next steps. I have not given a start date but we are shooting for July or August to start back our treatments. However, I need to be doing some major No Carbing before and I have lost my will power to do it. I am addicted to food...bottom line...I always have been. Everything we do is planned around breakfast, lunch or dinner plans. Most healthy food tastes like crap. So I stick to what I know and it gets boring. So then I fall off the wagon only to be drug behind it with road rash to remind me of the struggle (LOL). I gotta figure something out before I gain back the 50 lbs I lost last year.

I will be randomly updating with a few different types of posts. I want to share my testimony with everyone who reads and follows my blog and our journey. God has gotten me where I am today and has gotten me to be able to write about our journey, in hopes of helping others. My goal from the beginning, as I have said a million times, was to just "BE REAL"! I am being as real and I possibly can because I want everyone to know what it is really like, not sugar coated or fancied up. This is real life. The real life of Kristie and Brandon and our journey to become parents. It isn't a great journey, but it is ours. This is what God chose for us to endure temporarily (because I know He will bless us with a baby).

Thank you all for always asking for updates and emailing questions or concerns you have. I LOVE LOVE LOVE answering your questions and providing feedback to your situations. I love you all and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the prayers. Please keep them coming. We are still on the journey. We have not given up and never will until the fat lady sings...Well, really until God says so. But we have NOT given up! We are just taking a breather! Treatments are intense and costly. We have been aggressively being treated for over a year and half with no breaks. Prior to that, I was being aggressively treated for 3 years, with no breaks. So it is time for a break. And it is okay to take a break every now and again. You have to find yourself in all the hustle and bustle of infertility treatments. Do not give up either!!

Mother's Day...The day I used to dread....

Mother's Day....

Yes, "Mother's" Day...The day we celebrate our Mothers, Grandmothers and...being a Mother...Well, not us infertile ladies....It happens to be a sad day for us...It reminds us of what we don't have. It reminds us of the control we don't have over our bodies. It reminds us that our dreams are yet to be fulfilled. It is a big, stinky day of "reminders" for us.

That was just how I saw Mother's Day for the past 5 years. I dreaded it. I actually hated it (God says we shall not hate, but to be honest, He knows how bad I really really didn't like Mothers Day). I celebrate my Mother, my Grandmother and my Aunt of course. 3 women who have had a major impact in my life. I celebrate the fact that my best friend is the most amazing Mother there is and I pray I can one day be just a portion of the Mother she is. There is so much to celebrate, even in the midst of the pain I feel.

Ever since I found Jesus in 2011, my life has not been easy by no means. But I have a peace about the things that are happening in my life. Whereas before I didn't feel there was any hope at all for me. I didn't want to wake up the next day many nights because I was so miserable. I suffered from an intense level of grief from losing my Dad so tragically. I suffered an intense level of grief for the baby I have yet to conceive and meet. I felt like a failure for quitting school and deciding to let my husband follow his dream of starting his own business. I felt like a failure for not being able to give my husband a child of his own. I-felt-like-a-huge-FAILURE! But then one day, I realized something....There are people in this world and even in our little town that have been through some amazingly tragic, tough times and they have a relationship with Jesus Christ and they have HOPE! I wanted that. I wanted to not feel so depressed and sad all the time. So I made the decision to ask God to forgive me for my past and for a chance to start new with a new heart filled with joy, hope, faith and happiness. A chance for a new path in this life and to understand the journey I am on. God gave me HOPE! He gave me a second chance! There are still days where I do not feel very much like a Christian because I doubt, I get angry, I say bad words when I get angry and I above all else, worry my self to death. But if we were to never have a bad day or a bad time in our lives, even as Christians, we would never need God!

With that said, this Mother's Day is a new one for me! I have learned that being a Mother is not just bringing a tiny human into this world through birth. Being a Mother is bringing life to anyone! If you meet a stranger and you say something nice to them, you have brought them a since of what life is all about. That is being a Mother. Motherhood is a desire that God gives each and everyone of us women. He gives it to us, not just to have a child of our own. He gives it to us, so that we can breathe life into this world and Mother his creation! Being a Mother in the image of God is bringing forth new life, nurturing those on her path. Being a mother is teaching good things. Not just to a child in which she bore but to anyone who crosses her path! Each and everyone of us, has a Mother's heart!!

For the past 6 years I have put a child I have yet to conceive above all else in my life. He/she has been my number one priority in everything I have done. That my friends, is the heart of Mother.

This Mother's Day, please remember those that are grieving this day. Say a prayer for the Mother's who have lost a baby whether it be through a miscarriage or a baby that was born and left too soon. Say a prayer for those that are doing everything in their power to conceive a child. No one knows these paths and the hurt and pain that are on them, unless you have walked in them yourself. Celebrate your Mother, Grandmothers, Aunts and friends. Having a baby and being a "Mom" is one of the greatest blessings one could ever receive! Having a Mother's heart is knowing that is true!

Happy Mother's Day to all of the Mother's out there reading this post! Even the ones like me, who is still trying...Happy Mother's Day!! 

National Infertility Awareness Week

Many of you who read this blog are on my Facebook. You have seen my numerous posts regarding National Infertility Awareness Week. For those of you in other parts of the nation or even in another country, this is so extremely important to me for so many different reasons.

There are 7.4 Million women in the United States  alone, that suffer from Infertility currently. This doesn't include the men who are diagnosed with being infertile or having fertility issues that are being treated.

This means that there are 7.4 Million "Mommy's at heart" who are waiting not so patiently for their dreams to come true and their miracle to be given! Myself included!!

This also means, that there are 7.4 Million women suffering from Infertility and may or may not ever become a Mommy through giving birth to their own baby.

Being infertile is NOT easy!! It is NOT something that us women use as a crutch or a way to get pity from others. Usually the ones who have smart mouthed comments about us women who are struggling with infertility, are those that have no idea what being infertile is about or what it feels like. It is mostly women who have children of their own. As I have said numerous times, ignorance is one of the hardest things to try to deal with while trying to handle being infertile. Which is a lot of the reason I started this blog....To bring awareness to what someone who is experiencing infertility actually goes through. To bring light to this dark situation. To make the ignorant ones more knowledgeable of what infertility is and why it is difficult to struggle with. To put all of the bull crap comments aside and to bring forth facts. Facts that will one day, change the way people think about Infertility. Facts that will one day, hopefully and prayerfully, bring insurance companies to see that infertility is a medical diagnosis, a disease of the reproductive system, so they will start covering diagnostic testing, treatments such as IUI or timed intercourse cycles with medications and Invitro Fertilization treatments! Not just one or 2 cycles like some companies cover today, but as many as needed for those that have had failed cycles and still have the desire to be parents and no funds to cover the costs.

Not one person should be turned down from having a baby because they do not have thousands of dollars to pay for the treatments to make their dreams come true. Its just not fair! 

I pray on a daily basis, more than once a day for God to bless Brandon and I with a positive HcG pregnancy test. I have prayed for many years for this positive test and it has not been in God's perfect plan for us, yet. That doesn't not mean I will give up. It means, I will continue to pray through the terrible storm we are in. I will continue to share my story in hopes that others will feel more comfortable to share their stories. This is how you raise awareness folks!!

On my Facebook page earlier today I posted about the costs of treatments. Just from estimating, in the last 16 months, Brandon and I have invested close to $27,000 in our journey. This doesn't include lab work and other less major things we have had to pay out of pocket for. This also doesn't include the gas it takes to drive to the appointments that are over an hour and half from home. During a cycle, we go to our Doctor's office 3 times a week (or more) depending on how well things progress. That is $60 for that week, just in gas to go to and from the Doctor. So we have a small fortune invested in gas over the past 16 months with our current Doctor. None of these figures include the prior 3 years we spent with a Doctor at Shands who didn't help us at all...Only wanted to do biopsies and lab tests and medications, none of which found anything or helped anything at all...Anyways, my point of sharing this is not to complain because I can tell you every single penny of what we have invested will be more than worth it in the end. I share this simply to "bring awareness" into what it takes to pursue infertility treatments! It is not cheap!!! And like I said, insurance companies just do not offer coverage for infertility treatments. Some will cover diagnostics, medications and lab work, but most all insurance companies do not cover the actual procedures such as IUI and IVF.

I will leave you with this...SHARE YOUR STORY!!!!

You never know when God will be using YOUR story to help others!! There have been times when I didn't want to put our personal business out there for the whole world to view. Then, I felt in my heart that this is about God and not about me. This journey of Infertility is about God, not about me! No matter what happens, God will get all of the glory and praise!! God does not owe us nothing! We owe him our lives. After all, Jesus gave his life for us! So no matter what, we have to remember that every single aspect of my story, your story, EVERYONE'S STORY, is all about God and not about us!

Ecclesiastes 7:14 "When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider; God has made the one as well as the other."

No matter your situation right now, no matter your story or your journey...Praise God for being with you during it! Imagine how bad it could really be, without God as your comforter! WOW. I do not ever want to imagine that! Stay faithful, stay strong! To my fellow infertile friends who are on this journey with us....Heads up, pray without ceasing, praise God for the light he has given you in the darkest of your days, praise God for not giving you anything but his greatest blessings. Stand strong my friend! Our days are coming! God will give us the desires of our hearts! And if he doesn't plan on it, I pray that he remove that desire from our hearts!

Stay tuned guys...Brandon and I are currently going to take a little bit of a break to find ourselves again. During treatment, you get caught up in the calendar....You forget the romance and the love and the passion of being with just each other. We lost that over the past 4 years and really lost it over the past 16 months. So it is time for us to recollect ourselves. It is time for me to let my body have a break from all of the harsh medications. We are going to start back into treatment in July hopefully, after our anniversary. In the mean time, I will start sharing my testimony with everyone. I haven't forgot about it. I am praying for God to give me the right words to say when I decide to type up the posts. So bare with me. I know there are a lot of you who only know our infertility story, but do not know about my Christ journey and how I got to where I am today in my faith.