It's a GIRL!

On Friday January 15th, Brandon and I went to a cute and quaint little place called A Stork's View to find out what our little miracle is- Boy or Girl! Turns out, this little amazing miracle is a....GIRL!!

We are so extremely excited!! Brandon has always wanted a baby girl! For this Mama, it has never mattered one way or another. I just want a healthy, happy baby! But of course its exciting to have a sweet baby girl on the way to be best friends with my brother's baby girl Kenzleigh who is due pretty soon!

Its been heavy on my heart lately that in spite of all the joy I have received and the blessing God has given us, there are still many other women and men out there who want nothing more than to be parents. After all, for 7 years 3 months and 6 days Brandon and I wanted the exact same thing. I promised myself that no matter what, whether I had a child of my own eventually or not, I would always always always be sensitive to others and their waiting hearts and I would always advocate for infertility in general. So many people don't even realize that infertility is actually a disease of the reproductive system. Yes, I said it...A disease! Just like cancer, diabetes, etc...That is why there are specialists who see men and women specifically for infertility purposes. Its not just about having a baby...Although that is the primary goal. For some its just finding out what is wrong. Getting answers about their body and why it isn't performing a basic function that men and women were put on this earth to do.

I guess what I am saying is that just because Brandon and I got our prayers answered and have hopped off the infertility roller coaster, does not ever mean I have forgotten what it has taken to get us to this place right now. Infertility and the process of treatments, etc has been and always will be a major part of my life and who I am as a person! It has made me stronger, wiser, more faithful and a better wife to Brandon. It has given me an empathy for those struggling still. I pray for you, you who is still waiting. I haven't forgotten about you, your pain and suffering. I have walked many miles in the shoes you are wearing. So I can firmly say, Ive been there! I know the depression, the anxiety, the grief of another period or a failed cycle, the hardship of trying to balance your marriage with the struggles of infertility! I know how it feels!

As always, my door is always always open! Questions, concerns or just to cry and vent! In the beginning of our journey I had no one to talk too. No one to cry to except my husband. No one to answer my questions except Mr Google! I felt so alone and lost. But eventually when I opened up my door to others, others opened up theirs to me! And for that I am ever so thankful! And I will always have my door open to anyone who needs me! I will always "Pay it forward" and always be a supporter of anyone who has to walk the path we walked! To God be the Glory in all that He has done in our lives! I would NOT ever change a single thing except I would've found Christ sooner in our journey, heck in my life! Without my faith, I am not sure where I would be today! No Doctor, nurse, friend, family member etc, is responsible for what has happened in our lives....God is the One and the Only who has given us this baby! I claimed it, prayed endlessly even when I didn't feel like it or wanted too...And in His perfect time He has given us our prayer, answered and in her 16th week of life! Amen!!

XOXO~ Kristie

When God heals our hearts and answers our prayers

It has almost been a year since I last blogged here....January 17, 2015...WOW

So much has changed since then....

I started the RN program in January 2015, made straight A's, got the Dean's list a couple times and the President's list once for a perfect 4.0 GPA....I really enjoyed it!

Lets fast forward....

Our last fertility treatment cycle has been a year and a half ago...almost 2 years! How can that be? It feels like yesterday! The break at first was the hardest decision I have ever made in my life...Honestly...I wondered "what if we had done one more cycle?" "Would we already have a baby?" "What would life be like now if we hadn't stopped?".....Let me just say, it was the BEST decision we ever made for our marriage, our life in general, our sex life (majorly!!), my spiritual life and my walk with Jesus!

Towards the end of Summer, my brother and sister in law found out that they were expecting a baby...Heartbroken? I was shattered...I tried so hard to be happy and excited because they were and so was my family. After all, we were getting a new baby in our family! But for someone who has experienced infertility for more than 7 years...It wasn't exciting or happiness I felt...It was anger, bitterness, jealousy....Yes...Jealousy...I couldn't understand how someone who wasn't even trying for a baby could just be blessed with one! I cried out to God and asked "Why not me?" for 3 weeks straight...My husband told me that if I didn't snap out of whatever I was in, we were going to a doctor because it wasn't healthy for me to feel so depressed...But my dreams were coming true through my brother....The hardest thing in the world to watch is your dreams unfold in someone else's life...I am not ashamed nor afraid to admit it! But during the 4 weeks that I prayed constantly for answers, God spoke to me in a dream...I have shared this dream with many of my family and friends but I want to share it with my readers too! Because THIS my friends is what shows GOD is FAITHFUL! He takes care of us! And He answers prayers!

So the dream I had took place in Bass Pro Shops....Yes people! Bass Pro Shops! There is a new store opening up this year in a town close to my home town so I immediately thought WOW at that simple detail...My husband and I were there, he was over in the men's clothing section and I was in the women's section when I saw a friend of mine and her Mother and began to talk with them. My friends Mother began signaling for Brandon to come over and here he came through the clothes with a baby carrier strapped to the front of his body. When he got to us my friend and her Mom began to look into the carrier and smile and "ooooh and awwww" over whatever was in it...Brandon took out this baby GIRL and handed her to me as she was beginning to get fussy. I looked at her face and she was the perfect combination of Brandon and I! The most perfect baby girl in this world! So small yet so fierce! I began to walk away from them with the baby and the diaper bag toward the bathroom area where I fed her and changed her. I could actually FEEL her breastfeeding in this dream! It was the most real dream I have ever experienced. But I knew when I awoke, that was my God showing me not to give up on my miracle! That He was going to give me a baby! To quit being sad and rejoice in the life he has given to our family through my neice! Be happy and excited!

From that day forward my whole life changed! I went shopping for the first time without tears or an anxiety attack, in the baby section! I didn't feel sad because I was longing for this for myself! I was excited to be buying stuff for my sweet little niece on the way! That my friends, was a MAJOR deal for me! First time in 7 years I could shop and be happy IN THE BABY SECTION! Wow! God is awesome!

Now, a few months later I am sitting here typing this blog post with so much joy in my heart I can't even put it into words! 7 years, 3 months and 6 days after stopping birth control and seeing a doctor, I AM FINALLY PREGNANT!!

Yes you read it right! I AM PREGNANT! I am currently 13 weeks, 1 day pregnant with a perfect and healthy baby! All thanks to my God! He will get ALL the glory for this my friends! We did no treatments, no medications, no timed intercourse, no schedule, no calendar, no trigger shot, no temps, NO NOTHING!!!! God is good and He is the reason for this miracle!!!

Back in September I was told that my chances of getting pregnant were about 5% or less because my uterus was in really bad shape. I had been bleeding non stop since June, had terrible crippling pain in my pelvis and was awaiting surgery for polyp removal and a D&C! That surgery had been rescheduled due to the doctor needing to do it at the hospital rather than the surgery center. ALL GOD!! Had I had the D&C I wouldn't have gotten pregnant when I did! ALL IN GODS TIME!!!!

No doctor can tell you what your final destiny is....No doctor can tell you that you will never be a Mother and you will never get pregnant, unless of course there is an anatomical issue like missing tubes or ovaries etc...No doctor can tell you what God cannot do! Because ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE WITH GOD!! That has never been more true to me than it is right now at this point in my life! I let God take over and fight my battle for me! And that is exactly what He did! He gave me peace and happiness over a situation I never thought my heart would heal from...And now He has given me the greatest gift of all....A precious, miracle baby! Our rainbow after the storm!

I will continue to blog some throughout this pregnancy to keep everyone updated! For those reading who still have yet to have their prayers answered for their Rainbow, keep praying! Do not give up! When someone tells you "It's in God's time and not ours" BELIEVE THEM! Waiting is the most difficult thing in the world! Waiting on the unknown is even harder! After 7 years I should be a pro at waiting but it is still a challenge for me to this day! But please do not give up! Keep pouring your heart out to Jesus! He hears you! He loves you! He loves you more than anyone could ever love you on this earth! He feels what you feel! When you cry, He cries! Do not give up!

Please keep us in your prayers for a safe pregnancy and a healthy baby! I am high risk due to some preexisting conditions.

** Only a little over  a week and we will be able to put a name to that sweet little face on our ultrasounds!!

Much love and many prayers~
Kristie

This perfectly imperfect life!

Well friends, its been a while. Each and every time I post I always say I will blog more but lets be honest...I never do unless there is something to update on. I feel like I am failing my readers when I don't post or if I have nothing to post about. Its no secret we are taking a break from fertility related treatments and I feel like I am failing you guys by not posting...Thats all...

But tonight...Tonight,  I feel the need to lose myself in blogging. I feel the need to empty out my heart. Fertility related??...Well, I guess you can say that...More along the lines of "Life Related". This is our life anyways! Perfectly imperfect.

There is always something going on in our lives. Always. Whether it be something with family members or ourselves, its always something. Most of the times these little things turn into big lessons for us. Making the decision to temporarily stop treatments was the HARDEST decision of my life...No joke. There is not a day that goes by I do not think about the "what if's" and question my decision. The past 8 months have been a time of reflecting, praying, relaxing (well kind of) and most of all learning. Together, B and I have had to learn how to be in love again. Our lives have been surrounded with infertility for more than 6 years now, almost 6 1/2 years. We were on a schedule for so many years that we morphed into that schedule. We WERE the schedule. We had sex on a schedule, we went to appointments that were scheduled. We worked, had school and kept doing it all over again and again...On that same schedule. We had forgotten what it was to love one another in a way that we both so desperately  needed...Intimately. We lost intimacy during the storm we are still facing. However, over the past 8 months we have learned how to love one another again, intimately. We are no longer on a schedule. We no longer have sex just because I am ovulating or because I am in my "fertile period" or because I did a trigger shot! We have sex now because we want it! We want each other. Because God made us perfectly imperfect, just for one another!

I know reading this may seem weird or gross to some...But lets be real...This is a REAL situation for couples facing infertility. Not all, but most couples who have battled it for years and years, lose touch with one another. Infertility is stressful and emotional for both the husband and the wife. Its not a cake walk people! Its hard! Its sad! Its depressing! Very very depressing!!! But it doesn't have to mean that you lose touch with your spouse! B and I have made a pact! When we decide to start back treatments we will NOT lose touch of one another again! We will enjoy each other. We will cherish our journey and not despise it! We will be intimate with one another because that is what God wants for us to do! Not because we are only trying to reproduce! We promised each other we would not make it a task or a chore-like act. It will be an act of love and compassion for one another. We will have a date night every week. We will put our cell phones down at dinner and we will ask questions. We will take as many breaks and "relax" periods as we need! We will pray and we will praise our Lord for each and every thing he has done and  how far he continues to bring us on this journey!!! He is worthy of all praise! Regardless of how terrible our situation may be or seem to be, He is worthy!!

For those that do not know, I have just started the Registered Nursing program! I am very excited and so very thankful for God springing this opportunity on me kind of last minute! I am only 2 weeks in, but I know this is where I should be! For now, B and I are just going to take it one month at a time. We will continue to  pray and ask God for our miracle! We will continue our medications and continue "planned" intercourse! But nothing like what we were doing as far as a schedule goes. We are going back soon to see our Specialist and we are going to discuss options for non aggressive treatments and medicated cycles that do not include IUI or IVF. If nothing works between now and next year when I finish school, we will pursue IVF. That is our plan! I have been having quite a bit of ovarian/uterine pain over the past few months and I have missed my cycle 4 months in a row now which is NOT good. I have taken pregnancy test after pregnancy test and all are negative so I know that is NOT the reason for missed cycles.  So I will be seeing another specialist in the office of our fertility specialist just for my GYNO issues that are not fertility related.

Thank you all so much for being so supportive and encouraging during this difficult time for us. As I always say, keep us in your prayers. Our miracle has yet to arrive but he/she will come on God's schedule. Not our schedule. And when that time comes, it will be perfect! We cannot wait for God to bless our family with the gift of a Child! I want nothing more than to be a Mother. That is the one thing I know for sure about my life. I am meant to be a Mother. Brandon is meant to be a Father. We love you all and I will keep you updated on how things go from here. Please don't stop praying for us!

XOXO~Kristie

The little reminders

Tonight my husband and I had a date night at Cracker Barrel and Starbucks. It was a great night for us. The weather is cool here in North Florida and it was just nice to get out of the house and spend some time together, talking and making plans (yes, more plans that will probably not go "as planned"). Its crazy  how some little things can be the most gut wrenching reminders of another year being childless...

Last year I can remember having the conversation with my Mom many many times during our holiday shopping trips, that "next year" we would have a baby to buy the "Baby's First Thanksgiving" onesie and the "Baby's First Christmas" outfit...I can remember being in the mall last year before Christmas and looking down at the Santa picture area with all of the Mom's and Dad's with their babies and small children, all dressed up in their holiday best to get that $20 picture with Santa Clause! I remember getting tears in my eyes because I want that more than anything in the world. I want to be able to stand in line with my baby and celebrate the Christmas season with Santa pictures.

Tonight in Cracker Barrell I was once again looking at the "Baby's First Thanksgiving" outfits and the newly displayed "Baby's First Christmas" outfits and ornaments. I just sat there for a moment and rubbed my fingers over the embroidered lettering when tears started to well up in my eyes. When will my season of waiting be over?? When will my heart be full and not so empty?? When will the pain and sadness, enviousness and somewhat jealousy of others being Mommy's go away for me?? When will I get to buy the "Baby's First Christmas" outfit and ornament for our Christmas tree?? When will I be able to say how thankful I am for God giving us a child at the family Thanksgiving dinner?? Just when will it be our time??

What was meant to be a nice relaxing night out with my honey, turned emotional pretty quick. But I sat and talked with my husband about it and realized I was ruining a date night over something I have NO control over, a night I look forward to each and every week we get to go out! Its all in God's hands and there is no reason for me to stress over it or about it anymore. We have given this journey the last 6 1/2 years of our lives. Day in and day out it has been about "baby making"...Temperatures, charting, calendars, ultrasounds, prescriptions, injections, inseminations, new doctors (times 3), hours of sitting in traffic, countless hours lying on the bathroom floor in pain from over stimulated ovaries....It has been our whole life. Every holiday season I am an emotional wreck. I still grieve over the fact that my Dad isn't here for yet another holiday season. It was his favorite time of year and it just totally sucks not having him here anymore to enjoy it. But adding the heartache of wanting to be a Mother and not having control over NOT being one yet just kills me.

This year (after tonight), I am making myself a deal! I am not going to stress over my childlessness anymore! When I feel the urge to just burst into tears over seeing someone's little girl in a beautiful little Christmas dress waiting to see Santa Clause, I am just gonna stop and pray that God will turn the tears and fear and emptiness into something else. Into happiness and joy. Into anything other than what it truly is. My heart will forever ache and be empty without a little piece of myself here to raise and love. But I am going to choose to fill my heart with joy and happiness and Christ! Join me this holiday season and do the same! I know your heart aches too if you are in this with us. Lets choose joy and happiness this holiday season! Lets not let the lack of children in our lives take away from  the true reason for the holiday season!

Until next time, Love you all!!
XOXO~ Kristie

It just isn't the most wonderful time of the year

The holidays are always a hard time for me...Mainly because its another year of holidays without my Dad, but also another reminder of not having children for yet another year of holiday activities... Some of the most cherished memories are those created at Fall Festivals, pumpkin carvings, pumpkin patch's, trick or treating, Christmas shopping, visiting Santa in the Mall, going to Disney for Mickey's Very Merry Christmas Party, going to see Christmas lights and waking up Christmas morning to the huge smiles of your children who are so excited to see what Santa has brought them....Oh what I would give to make these memories with MY own children. Oh what I would give.

Recently I have had a very hard time dealing with our infertility...Not that it isn't hard all of the time but some times is more difficult than others. While you are so excited for those close to you that conceive and have a child of their own, it makes your heart break a little more for yourself and your barrenness. I always read the story of Hannah in 1 Samuel and I am reminded of how faithful our God is, when we are faithful and obedient to Him. It makes me wonder if I am being as obedient as I could possibly be...I know the answer is "Heck No" and then I am reminded of the fact that I am probably what would be called a "Lazy Christian"...I usually sit on the sidelines and watch, instead of diving in head first, taking that leap of faith and doing what God would want me to do. Fear is a huge deal for me. I am NOT usually scared of anything except death and snakes....Yes, death...Losing my loved ones mostly. But talking to others about God scares me because I am not exactly sure I will have all of the answers to the questions they may ask. Who wants to look like an idiot while approaching a subject so precious as our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?? Exactly...No one! (Well, I would think anyways) But needless to say, I often wonder is my lack of obedience in acting on the Word of Jesus is the reason why He hasn't blessed us yet....I know in the Bible it talks about barrenness NOT being a curse but it sure does feel like it. It hurts! Its painful to watch every one around you have what you want and have it with so much ease, no struggle, no nothing...Just "Oh lets try to get pregnant" and BAM...Pregnant! It just sucks.

I am reminded, even in the midst of my self pity and brokenness that GOD IS FAITHFUL! I have watched as a new friend of mine adopted her first son after years of infertility struggles. He is perfect and I truly believe God made him in the womb of another woman, specifically for them. Such an answered prayer in the midst of so much pain and suffering for so many years. This reminds me that even though my plans are not working out for us right now....God is working on a much bigger and better plan for us. Its so hard to stay faithful when you are so broken and hurt, but just knowing that God is already there and has my baby already picked out and waiting for that perfect time, it gives me hope.

Tonight I will go to bed, thanking God for getting us this far and still giving us hope after more than 6 years. I look back and can remember when we first started seeing a Doctor 5 years ago about not being able to get pregnant and I specifically remember being so very scared that it would take a long time. I felt it in my heart...I almost wonder if that was God kind of preparing my heart for this journey in the very beginning. Even though, at that time I didn't even really know Jesus Christ. How did I ever make it without Him in my life. Without His promises and knowing that He is on our side and wants the best for us, even though our best may not be His best.

Tonight, I will go to bed with a grateful heart. I am grateful for this journey, even though I hate it. Even though it isn't something I would wish on my worst enemy. I am grateful because it is making me into the person I am suppose to be. A strong, faithful, Christ loving woman. This journey is our life. It is what was meant to happen to us in order to make us into the people God wanted us to be. I can tell you that I will forever look at being a parent in a whole new light after all of this. It is truly the biggest blessing God can give you. To be able to be a Mommy will be my greatest blessing. And I cannot wait until the day it happens.

Until next time, I just wanted to share my heart with you guys. To all of my TTC sisters, hang in there. God is on our side. Even though we may not be able to see it now, our blessings are in the making! Thank you for the support and love!!

XOXO~ Kristie

How I came to know Jesus Christ!

I have kept wondering how God would lead this blog and where He would lead me with it. I have prayed for a way to continue blogging, but more often and not just during the times we are actually in the middle of treatments or waiting to hear results, etc. I want it to serve a bigger purpose, have a bigger impact on someone's life.

I have decided that today is the day I will share my testimony with everyone. Some may know how I came to know Jesus Christ but many do not. I pray it will bless someone.

To start it off, I will say that as a child, my immediate family NEVER went to church. I cannot remember a time when I actually went to church with my Mom and Dad (although my Mom said as a young child we did attend a small Baptist church in our town). I do remember occasionally going with my Great Grandmother, as she went every time the doors were open. She would buy me thrift store dresses and sweaters, she would redo the buttons and clean them up real nice and off to church we would go. She bought me my very first "adult" size Bible and sewed a homemade cover for it. I loved going to church with her. It was a routine though. You got up, dressed up, went to the service and had lunch out somewhere nice. I enjoyed it. It gave me something to look forward to on Sundays.

There were many factors contributing to "why" I needed Jesus in my life. In 1996, my grandfather died after finding out only a few months prior that he had cancer. This happening not long after my uncle was in a terrible car accident, where he almost died and spent almost a year in the hospital. During the following years, my Uncle (who was more like a brother to me and my younger brother) became addicted to drugs and alcohol. Being on pain killers after his accident, he became addicted to them. He went on to overdose in 2005 and died. It was like apart of my heart was completely ripped from my chest.

 In 2008, while planning my approaching wedding and being fresh in the Cardiovascular Program at Santa Fe College, my Dad was killed in a car accident coming home from Panama City, Fl on May 22. Only a little less than 2 months until my wedding day, my life was completely turned upside down. I can remember asking God "why" about a zillion times on the 1 hour drive back home from St Augustine, FL. I can remember being so angry that this was happening to our family. Why would God punish us like this!!?? What had we done to deserve this? I went on and still got married on July 12, 2008....52 days after my Dad was killed.

Right after getting married, my husband and I both decided that we were ready to start a family of our own. Yes we were young (21 and 22) but we had already done alot of the things young couples wanted to do so we decided if it happens, then so be it. We weren't going to prevent it from happening. Little did we know that we would still not have a baby so many years later. In January 2011 we started going to church with my in laws at Brandon's home church, where he had attended as a child. Over the next 4 months, God completely convicted me during every single service, every bible study we went to on Wednesdays. I was at a point in my life that I felt like I didn't want to live anymore. I was still grieving my Dads death among other family issues that had came up since his death. I felt alone in the world around me...Like I was already dead and looking down at everything happening. It was kind of like God was allowing me to be absent from my own life to see how everyone elses' life had continued while I was allowing the devil and the circumstances of my life to control everything about me. I was angry, extremely angry! I was absolutely hateful to those I loved the most, mainly to my husband. At times I would have violent outbursts of anger for no reason. I hated my life. I hated every single thing about my life. I was done...Until the night of April 20, 2011 at our Wednesday night bible study. That day, I had asked my Father in law to ask our preacher if I could talk to him after the study that night. I can remember being so nervous/scared as to what he would ask me or what I would say to him about my life. I hadn't been no angel. But it was time to change all of that.

That night, I prayed with our preacher and I asked Jesus Christ into my heart, with my eyes filled with tears. My Mother in law was there with me. I can remember walking out of that building with a feeling that tons of weights had been removed from my chest. A sense of relief. I had a chance at a new life. And for that I was so very thankful!

Ever since that Wednesday night bible study where I came to know Jesus Christ, my life has been so much easier, so much more relaxed. Rather than focusing on how terrible my life was, I could focus on how God was blessing me in the midst of the tragedy, the infertilty, the marital issues, the family issues...Everything. I could actually live my life without fear of the unknown.  Don't get me wrong, I still have days, some times weeks where I feel like I am being punished. Its been over 6 years and we have done tons of infertility treatments that have all failed to work...It was like my life was over once again but it didn't last as long as it had in the past, BEFORE I knew Jesus. I had people who would pray for me and I would pray and ask God to help me through it. And of course He did! I am here now, stronger than I have ever been to tell you that Jesus can help you through EVERYTHING in your life. There is nothing too bad or too hard for Jesus to work through. I lost my Grandfather, my Uncle, My Dad... Currently dealing with Infertility, almost lost my husband because I was being selfish...But Jesus has helped me! He has placed people in my life to help me through ALL of this! The things I have no control over. Jesus Christ has saved me from myself!!

You are never too lost for Jesus to save! He can and WILL help you! All you have to do is ask Him to help you! Its THAT easy! Being a Christian is not an easy road to follow, especially when you have the Devil attacking you at every corner. But God promised to send us help in the Holy Spirit that resides in us! That lives in us! No infertility, marital problems or even death can run off the Holy Spirit!

My reason for sharing this with you is simple...There may be that one person out there reading this right now who may not know Jesus Christ at all. There may be that one person out there reading this right now that may know Jesus, but is living like he doesn't exist. Through my struggles, my tragedies, I want to be able to help others. God loves us all! So much that he sent his one and only son to die on the cross for ALL OF US!!! How awesome is that! How amazing is it that someone loved YOU so much, that He sent his ONLY son to die for us a painful, tragic death. It doesn't get anymore unconditional than that.

I may not be a Mother yet...God is seriously making me wait. But during this wait, I know that I can rely on Him to get me through. I can use this time to work on my marriage, make it more centered around Jesus...I can use this time to really dig deeper into His word and find MY purpose! I can use this time to PRAISE HIM!! The one who has given me a reason to live! An everlasting amount of love and a place to call home after this life is over!

 Where are you at in your walk with Jesus?? Do you even have a relationship with Him? Have you lost touch with Him? Take a minute to pray and ask Jesus to come into your heart and take away the pain, the struggles, the addictions, the unfaithfulness, the need for things other than Him....Pray for God to be your Lord and Savior! Ask Him for forgiveness of all of your sins! Confess to Him and ask for forgiveness!

(If you took the time to pray today, I recommend you contacting your pastor or your spiritual adviser and talk about your next step. Welcome to the Family!!! )

 Until next time, thank you all for reading! I love you all and please continue your prayers for us! Pray specifically for God to lead us in the direction we should go. Pray for us to get our miracle!

~Update in baby land~

WOW! It's been a while my friends. I always say I am making more time for blogging and I never do unless something is actually going on here in the lives of Kristie and Brandon and our journey to become parents.

The past few months have been fairly slow in baby land. We haven't done anymore treatments and at this point "I" have made a decision to continue to wait until God tells me what to do. Life has not been easy the past 6 years for me. I have given up on so many things that I love and I can't continue to do so. Trying to become a Mother has consumed my life. Every aspect of it. Every car ride just to town, certain songs, people, TV shows, movies, etc. etc. etc. ALL remind me of my lack of children....Of my body's inability to reproduce and do the ONE single function it was made by God to do! The fact that I am the only one of my high school friends that does not have children makes me cringe. Will it ever happen for me? Why is God not listening to my heart? What have I done to deserve this? What is the point in living if the one thing you want in life is never going to happen for you? These are all questions I constantly sit and ponder. I often sit on my couch in my tiny 2 bedroom 2 bath single wide mobile home and wonder what my purpose is for this life. Every woman with a desire to be a Mother should get that desire fulfilled. Its only but fair. If being a Mother is your whole hearts desire, what else is there for you to do in this life if that one thing can't happen? I can't answer that question at this point. I can say to any other woman out there experiencing these same feelings, you are not alone and God has a plan. God has a plan.

I have been criticized and judged for coming across at some points as negative about our struggle, on many different occasions. Some ask "How can you be so positive on your blog and so negative in person? Isn't that being two faced?" Well, we as humans and as Christians tend to have to fight our flesh on a daily basis. Our spiritual self and our flesh do no align and we have to fight it. I struggle with that. Hence the reason for the not so negative blog that use to put how I really feel in my heart out there for millions to read across the world, and the somewhat negative flesh I live in. But in all seriousness,  I tell each and every one of you, please find me one single positive aspect of this journey in general....Not the 'helping others through", not the "leading others to Christ" or "giving others hope" aspect of what I aim to do with this journey because yes, those are all very positive things that have came out of this journey. But being in the midst of this struggle, away from others, when its just you and your spouse or just YOU by yourself, alone...The emotions are REAL! The anger is REAL! The lack of faith at some points is REAL! The attempt to find true hope in this journey and failing to do so is REAL! Someone can say otherwise early in their journey....I am not a rookie at this...I am a seasoned player of 6 years with  the Infertility game and I am losing. My faith is getting stronger, my hope is being found, my love for Jesus Christ is the strongest its ever been at this point...But I am still angry, upset, emotionally unstable and HURT that my journey to become a Mother is taking so very long with no signs of ending anytime soon. It hurts to see others with their new babies or their children period. It hurts to see Mothers with their children going school shopping. It hurts to not be able to buy things for your children for Christmas and birthdays, or do Easter baskets and holiday crafts! It hurts to not have a child to snuggle when they are sick, teething, upset about their world crashing down when a toy goes missing. It hurts to no have a child to puke on you or wipe snot all over you! IT HURTS!!!! And anyone that says otherwise are NOT on this journey!

I am not sure where God wants me to go with this blog. I am not sure of the path he has for me to take. My desire to be a mother has not gone away but my strength to endure the pain has. Some have made comments that this blog of mine is just for sympathy. To make others "feel sorry for me and what I am going through". It has been said that this blog is ridiculous because so many others go through this and its "only infertility"....Let me just say this...By no means am I looking for sympathy. I want other women to know they are not alone and their feelings are normal and other women, including myself feel the same way they do. I want them to have hope and grow in their faith! I want God to use me and this journey to bring light to Him and what He has done and is doing in me through it all. I want them to know the up's and down's and in's and out's of every aspect of infertility so they won't be scared and they can have strength to move forward. That is why I do this!!! And by the way for all the "its only infertility" people out there....INFERTILITY IS REAL AND IT IS A MEDICAL CONDITION! When your reproductive system is not working correctly, that is a problem. Same as if your Cardiovascular system or your endocrine system isn't working correctly. Reproduction is one of the body's basic functions. Just like breathing...It is just suppose to happen because that is what it is suppose to do. God made Adam and Eve a man and woman for a reason. To reproduce and fill the earth! So never ever, minimize what Infertility is. Unless you have experienced it, do not have an opinion on it. (sorry if that sounds rude). Women who have issues conceiving are checked for things like Cancer of the reproductive organs! Just keep that in mind. It is real people!

I will not say this journey has made me bitter or hasn't made me bitter. But it has shaped me into a very emotional, angry, God loving woman. I have had to take a step back and reexamine all aspects of my life. Financially, this journey has taken its toll on myself and my husband. Emotionally, it has brought me down. My marriage has hit a brick wall and its only because of the lack of attention it has received in the last 6 years. A lack of love and affection. I am not afraid or embarrassed to say it, but infertility has put a damper on  my marriage and my relationship with my husband has gone to the pits. However,   I do believe that God is allowing these emotions and these trials we are experiencing along with the infertility, because He has something major planned for my life (our life) and in that belief I have hope.  I pray for strength and peace daily because both of those things are few and far between lately. I am writing this to hopefully help someone who feels this way right now too! It is okay to feel this way but it is not okay to stay this way for long periods of time. If you need help, seek it! Don't be ashamed of not being okay! I can honestly say infertility has changed my life. In some ways I thought for the worst. But in others for the good. I have became aware of so many things I never knew existed including depression ( I knew it existed just have never experienced it in my own life).

There are so many things we can be bitter about. I could write a book about all of mine. However, that is not what God wants from us. He solely wants us to want him. He wants us to need him. He wants us to put all of our hope, fears, emotions...everything in him. He wants for us to love him and trust him. All of these things seem so simple. They are when you put your mind and your heart to it. God does not want us to hurt. He wants us to be joyful and happy. I believe we can find that in our journey if we just stop looking at the negative of it and just let God have it. Let him do his work with it. Really it isn't about us. It is about what God wants for us out of this whole journey. Yes, it is physically, mentally and emotionally draining. Yes, it is so hard to just let go (I am not even there yet), but with support and love from God's people, people with his very own heart, we can do this! And we will one day know why all of this happened! I often think of what it will be like when God finally says "My child, why did you not trust me? See how wonderful the plans I had for you were. See how much I love you." We just need to be still and wait for God. God loves us at our worst and our best and in between. He LOVES us! He LOVES you!!

I hope and pray that through my pain, one of you will find hope! That is my goal and my prayer every day. I love each and every one of you and I thank you so much for all of the support and prayers. We are not finished with this journey but I am specifically praying for God to guide me on a decision as when and what to do as far as treatment goes. Please pray for us and our marriage and for God to work in my life through this journey. XOXO to all and baby dust to those of you ladies still trying actively to conceive!