"Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails"

I will never understand in this life, why it is so hard for Brandon and I to become parents, yet the ones who do not appreciate it nor deserve it, it just happens for them....

Yesterday morning I got up bright and early and got to the lab at 7:45am to have my blood drawn for my beta HCG test (pregnancy test)....I sent our nurse an email and asked her if she could please call us as soon as she gets the results because Brandon had to leave at 1pm for work and wouldn't get off until after 10pm. She emailed me back about 10:45 and said she would call as soon as she got the results. At 11:15 (give or take) she called and I knew when I saw the number on caller ID, that I would not be getting good news. I knew it in my heart, as I had the last 2 weeks. Sure enough, by the tone of her voice when she said "Hello Kristie" kind of monotone, I knew my heart was right. It was a BIG FAT NEGATIVE.....AGAIN....

Love this reminder of God's faithfulness

At this point, I couldn't even cry....I have been praying specifically for God to give me peace and understanding, as well as strength to deal with our answer. And I must say he did just that. My heart is so broken again but God is putting the pieces back together as we speak. I cried for 15 minutes, by myself in our spare bedroom, I asked God why and to please show me what we need to be doing...Are we suppose to be doing this at all? Will it ever happen for us? Why not us? I couldn't help but feel a little bit angry. Angry because so many women are so blessed but do not appreciate their blessing....Some women can be so bitter, jealous and envious to a point of ruining marriages and relationships...Yet they were blessed to be called a Mother. I am not sure what God is trying to tell me...I wish I could stand right in front of Him and Him tell me "this is the path you should be on and this is what  you need to be doing" or "this is why you have not or will not be able to get pregnant with a child of your own". Until I pass on, this will never happen but I pray that I will be able to hear that still small voice telling me what to do from here. I will NOT give up on my dream of becoming a Mother. EVER! (for the one who thinks and hopes we will because of  their own selfishness and jealousy...No names mentioned but they know who they are).

I cannot thank each of you enough for praying for us. Please do not stop. Emotionally right now, I need them more than ever. My heart hurts. I am praying for God to show us the way and for Him to bless us soon. The same prayer I have prayed for 5 years and 6 months (2 days ago hit the 5 1/2 year mark for us trying to conceive...WOW).

I still have so much to be thankful for. I have a super supportive family consisting of my Mom, brother, Aunt, cousin, my best friend Addie and my Nana and Papa! My husband is my shoulder to lean on, he tries to keep me positive and grounded in this whole process. Without my family I am not sure how we would make it through. It is nice to have people who care and are there for us even when they have no idea what I am going through because infertility has never surfaced in my family until Brandon and I started trying. It is such a mystery. Especially when at this point, it is pretty much unexplained.....Since they are not concerned with Brandon's sperm anymore and I make beautiful little eggs and ovulate on command. It makes it harder when there is no explanation.

(This is what I feel God is saying)

This just reminds me that it is ALL in God's timing. When there is no explanation for something, after being treated for 4 years by medical doctors...My friends, that right there is God's way of saying..."This is my doing, my plan for you. Stay strong my Child, for I've got this!" Well, that is what I think He is saying!


At this point, our plan consists of waiting (YES WAITING) for my monthly visitor to come (Yes, Flo) and then I will start back on my 2 to 3 weeks of birth control to ensure no cysts form over the next few weeks that would prevent any follicles from forming. Our nurse will be having a meeting with our Doctor on Wednesday when he is back in the office about what our next step is as far as treatment. Brandon wants to go straight for IVF this time but I feel that God is leading me somewhere else. I feel in my heart IVF should be our very last resort, no just financially, but I want to get pregnant as natural as possible if I can. Supposedly, they are not concerned with Brandon's 4.8 million sperm at this point. Our nurse discussed it with Dr. L and he said it is to be expected for there to be a fluctuation in sperm count and quality over the period of treatment. According to my chart, only 1 follicle was actually mature, despite the fact I was told there were 2 and that one was fully mature on that last ultrasound before our IUI, but the HCG injection would bump the other up to its desired size...I guess that didn't happen. My Beta HCG level was 2.9... which means there was a "possible implantation that failed"...Yes, that makes my heart hurt even more to know that my uterine lining was pretty thin 2 days before my IUI and was never checked again prior to make sure it would be thick enough after taking the Estrogen pills for 2 days...That will be a matter of discussion at our next appointment. We are NOT giving up people!! We have made it this far. As bad as I would like to give up because emotionally this is the hardest thing in my life I have done besides bury my Dad. That is how bad it hurts. And no one understands this unless you have been on this journey.

For anyone reading this that is going through this with us, please know that you are not alone. Ever! There is always someone who feels your pain. But my only words of advice...Trust God, Pray without ceasing, DO NOT GIVE UP! God will bless us, but not a moment too soon! I love you all! And thank you again for praying for us and being with us on this journey.