The Waiting Room of Life

Well hello!!! Its been a while! Almost a month...I know, I know...I said I would be blogging more but I have had the most emotional, stressful, blah blah blah last 4 weeks...I haven't been this bad in a long time. But, it is time for me to come out of the dumps and move on with LIFE...

LIFE...Life without a baby right now...Life trying to figure out the answers I will never know this side of Heaven....Life questioning things I know I shouldn't...Life of prayer...Life of unspeakable amounts of faith...Life of wanting something so bad it literally consumes every aspect of this thing....called...Life...

Yes...I am moving on with life...MY LIFE!

As hard as it is to say, I am at a peace with the fact that after our BFN (big fat negative) on October 23, we are now having to wait 6 weeks to even think about moving on to another cycle. After our BFN, I just knew that it was God saying "NEVER in a million years will you be a Mother"...But after I collected myself a little bit I knew he was only saying "Not yet my sweet dear Child". God makes us wait for numerous reasons. Reasons we will never understand, right now. Abraham had to wait 100 years for a baby...100 years!!! God could have given him a baby at the drop of a dime...But He didn't. Could you imagine being 100 years old and raising a newborn? God knew it would be physically impossible but our God is so amazing that no matter the physical impairments Abraham may have had, God made him a father! Because God can do that people!!!! If He can do that for Abraham, He can do that for me too!!! He made Hannah wait and then finally gave her a child of her own as well!! So, the moral of the story...If the people of the Bible had to wait, then I guess I will be okay from having to wait too! I am no better than they were!

On November 7th, we had another appointment but this time it was with Dr Lipari for another plan of treatment...Yes, ANOTHER plan of treatment...We had to discuss our options from here on out since the past cycles have not worked. I went into that appointment with a whole new outlook on it. (November 5th, I started going to a Christian counselor to help me learn to deal with this whole thing I like to call life...Let me tell you, it was the hardest decision but the best decision I have ever made for myself and my marriage in my whole life!! I am not ashamed, I am not sick, I am not weak by no means..) I was calm, positive/optimistic and hopeful rather than upset, crying, pessimistic and negative. I did not leave crying or upset my no means from this appointment and I must say it was a first for me. Every appointment we have had with one of the "big guys" aka Dr. Lipari, I have left hopeful but so upset at the road we have had to take to get where we are today. So anyways, Dr. Lipari told us that the reason for us not getting pregnant did not have anything to do with me and my body. I respond very well to the oral medication and the trigger injection to release my eggs. However, Brandon has quit responding to his injections he gives himself 2 times a week...Brandon's sperm count had gone back down to 3 million and 2.8 million at its lowest on the final day of our IUI. He told us that usually they dont even do an IUI on anything less than 2 million because the chances of conception are slim to none. I was devastated and by the look on my husbands face, he was scared and devastated too. He has always blamed himself for us not having a baby yet. And this in some way confirmed his fears and his worries. But Dr. Lipari told us that with another medication they can get it back to the 129 million plus it was a few months ago at his last semen analysis.  He said that the normal for Brandon would be 40 to 60 million sperm after they wash them and do the IUI. So for Brandon, he now has to take another medication to increase the quality and number of sperm for 6 weeks (from November 7th) and then we can go directly into another IUI cycle.

For me, I just have to focus on the No Carb thing...yeah yeah right here at Thanksgiving...I am totally bummed but I am not gonna let it get me in the dumps...I will still enjoy some of the holiday treats and goodies but I will have to focus on the nutrition all other times until we get this thing started. Over the period of the past 7 weeks I have gained 7 lbs of my weight back...Mainly from being an emotional eater. I have always been and will always be an emotional eater....Its just who I am...Food is a comfort for me, junk food that is...But who doesn't love junk food. I am also being tested for a genetic disorder that is caused from a malfunctioning MTHFR Gene. It should be producing folate which is something all women need in order to have normal, healthy pregnancies and not miscarriages or infertility all together. When this gene is not working, instead of producing folate, large amounts of Homosysteine are in the body. This apparently is not good. If I do have this genetic disorder, it could possibly explain my heart issues (high blood pressure, atrial fibrillation) and some of the fertility issues I started out with along with many other things. We are just waiting on those results now too.  Dr. Lipari also said that they will give me a series of injections and oral medications this next cycle which is similiar to the medications they give during an IVF cycle...I am pretty scared because of the way I respond to the medications he has already given me...But anything for my sweet little Angel(s). They want to make sure I have PLENTY of mature follicles...when I say plenty I mean more than 4...Yes, more than 4 follicles...The chances for multiple will increase to about 60%. But I am okay with that. Whatever God gives us! And there still may only be one that will take! And that is perfect too! I am not picky at this point! I just want a healthy, happy baby or babies! And I want to be healthy enough to raise them! So, whatever I have to do to get them here, I will do! It will not be easy, as it hasn't been this whole process. But it will be more than worth the wait when it's all over!

One of the things my therapist told me is that until I put God before infertility and the "want" for a baby, He may never give me a baby...And you know, I believe this! For over 5 years now I have literally let the "want" for a baby consume every aspect of my life. I missed out on my best friends having their babies, their kids birthday parties, weddings, showers...Everything...I was too caught up in it to put my emotions aside and be the friend I should have been. I avoided the baby section of every store and I cried every time I saw a show or a movie and someone either got pregnant or gave birth. I mean hysterically cried. I have not been able to watch A Baby Story at all. This has literally controlled my whole life! But anyways, God wants to be first in our lives, before all other things. After all, He did die a terrible, gruesome death on a cross for my sins so that I may have everlasting life!! She also told me that I needed to pray to God, that even if He doesn't give us a baby of our own, we will still be okay. For a long time I felt that if I never got pregnant I just didn't want to even live anymore. I just thought "what's the point if I can't be a Mommy?"  I was so caught up in having a baby of my own that I didn't really care about the other options. And now that I come to think of it, I have been "okay" the last 5 years without a baby. I will be "okay" without one if God does not give us one of our own. I will be upset of course and I will always wonder why, but we will be okay.  So actually admitting this was a huge step for me and for Brandon. Did I say I am soooooooo very thankful I was led to this therapist!!! Best. Thing. Ever!

For now, we wait until the week of Christmas for anything else to happen! Then I will be on 10 days of oral contraceptives and on with the cycle from there. So about the second week in January we will be scheduled for our IUI's. By the end of January we will know if one of the little follicles I will be growing, was meant to be our little bundle of complete and utter joy! Please, please, please keep us in your prayers. We really need them for Brandon's sperm count to come up, for the new medication regimen they plan on giving me to work wonders in the follicle department, and for God to bless us this time with our answered prayer, our Angel(s)!

Thank you all so much for thinking of us and for reading my blog posts. I am just completely humbled by the feedback and response I have received from women just like me, women who want nothing more than to be a Mommy but God has other plans right now for them as well. God is telling them to "wait" just as He is telling me. I am so thankful that by me simply sharing our journey, our experience, my thoughts and worries, I am able to help others along their journey too. None of us are alone! God is always with us first of all, but we are all in this together! Do not be ashamed to share your story! God is using you and you don't even know it. Our trials are meant to be shared with even just one person. You never know who's life you may change, who you may lead to Christ! Don't give up! We are only in a "waiting room" of life!!!