Well friends, its been a while. Each and every time I post I always say I will blog more but lets be honest...I never do unless there is something to update on. I feel like I am failing my readers when I don't post or if I have nothing to post about. Its no secret we are taking a break from fertility related treatments and I feel like I am failing you guys by not posting...Thats all...
But tonight...Tonight, I feel the need to lose myself in blogging. I feel the need to empty out my heart. Fertility related??...Well, I guess you can say that...More along the lines of "Life Related". This is our life anyways! Perfectly imperfect.
There is always something going on in our lives. Always. Whether it be something with family members or ourselves, its always something. Most of the times these little things turn into big lessons for us. Making the decision to temporarily stop treatments was the HARDEST decision of my life...No joke. There is not a day that goes by I do not think about the "what if's" and question my decision. The past 8 months have been a time of reflecting, praying, relaxing (well kind of) and most of all learning. Together, B and I have had to learn how to be in love again. Our lives have been surrounded with infertility for more than 6 years now, almost 6 1/2 years. We were on a schedule for so many years that we morphed into that schedule. We WERE the schedule. We had sex on a schedule, we went to appointments that were scheduled. We worked, had school and kept doing it all over again and again...On that same schedule. We had forgotten what it was to love one another in a way that we both so desperately needed...Intimately. We lost intimacy during the storm we are still facing. However, over the past 8 months we have learned how to love one another again, intimately. We are no longer on a schedule. We no longer have sex just because I am ovulating or because I am in my "fertile period" or because I did a trigger shot! We have sex now because we want it! We want each other. Because God made us perfectly imperfect, just for one another!
I know reading this may seem weird or gross to some...But lets be real...This is a REAL situation for couples facing infertility. Not all, but most couples who have battled it for years and years, lose touch with one another. Infertility is stressful and emotional for both the husband and the wife. Its not a cake walk people! Its hard! Its sad! Its depressing! Very very depressing!!! But it doesn't have to mean that you lose touch with your spouse! B and I have made a pact! When we decide to start back treatments we will NOT lose touch of one another again! We will enjoy each other. We will cherish our journey and not despise it! We will be intimate with one another because that is what God wants for us to do! Not because we are only trying to reproduce! We promised each other we would not make it a task or a chore-like act. It will be an act of love and compassion for one another. We will have a date night every week. We will put our cell phones down at dinner and we will ask questions. We will take as many breaks and "relax" periods as we need! We will pray and we will praise our Lord for each and every thing he has done and how far he continues to bring us on this journey!!! He is worthy of all praise! Regardless of how terrible our situation may be or seem to be, He is worthy!!
For those that do not know, I have just started the Registered Nursing program! I am very excited and so very thankful for God springing this opportunity on me kind of last minute! I am only 2 weeks in, but I know this is where I should be! For now, B and I are just going to take it one month at a time. We will continue to pray and ask God for our miracle! We will continue our medications and continue "planned" intercourse! But nothing like what we were doing as far as a schedule goes. We are going back soon to see our Specialist and we are going to discuss options for non aggressive treatments and medicated cycles that do not include IUI or IVF. If nothing works between now and next year when I finish school, we will pursue IVF. That is our plan! I have been having quite a bit of ovarian/uterine pain over the past few months and I have missed my cycle 4 months in a row now which is NOT good. I have taken pregnancy test after pregnancy test and all are negative so I know that is NOT the reason for missed cycles. So I will be seeing another specialist in the office of our fertility specialist just for my GYNO issues that are not fertility related.
Thank you all so much for being so supportive and encouraging during this difficult time for us. As I always say, keep us in your prayers. Our miracle has yet to arrive but he/she will come on God's schedule. Not our schedule. And when that time comes, it will be perfect! We cannot wait for God to bless our family with the gift of a Child! I want nothing more than to be a Mother. That is the one thing I know for sure about my life. I am meant to be a Mother. Brandon is meant to be a Father. We love you all and I will keep you updated on how things go from here. Please don't stop praying for us!
XOXO~Kristie
