One blessing at a time

Well....For those that are following our journey, we have gotten some really great news (or so we think anyways)!! No, I am not pregnant (or I could be but we don't know yet) but I did get my progesterone levels back yesterday and the level is 20.9!!!! Which means that I without a doubt ovulated last week with the injections!! YAY!!!! Such an answered prayer!!! Of course it may not seem like a big deal to some of you but let me just tell you...ITS A BIG DEAL!!!! Another blessing from our ever so faithful Father!!!

 Now, we just have to continue to pray and we will go back to the Doctor on Wednesday for the BIG DAY!!! They will draw my blood to check for HcG and see if I am pregnant. Of course I will not find out right away...(UGH RARRRRR) but I should definitely know by the end of the day Wednesday.  In order to respect my emotions and whatever else that day, I will not be posting the outcome of that appointment right away. I know that I have a lot of readers and I am ever so thankful and blessed to have each and every one of you tuning in to what is the most emotional journey of our lives, but I know that it is very early in, when we do get a positive test and many many things can happen in a very short amount of time. Now now...You wont have to wait too long...Just until we know for sure whether or not my levels will continue to rise and be at a healthy place to say....I am definitely pregnant!!!

The past couple of days have been somewhat of a roller coaster, emotionally. As I sit to prepare myself for the best or the worst next Wednesday and I think of all of the amazing things that God has done this far for us, I can't help but think of a sweet family that will be laying their 3 month old baby boy to rest tomorrow. My heart is so heavy and I could never imagine their pain. Yes, I have lost a lot of my loved ones in my family, but to have to say "see you later" to your precious little miracle, is just beyond me. I always turn to my faith in times like this. When my Dad was killed, the only thing going through my mind was "WHY?" and I got 22 years with my Dad.It was the worst thing I have ever gone through in my whole entire life. To have to say "WHY?" after 3 months with your sweet little one would have to be a pain so unbearable. I can't help but pray so hard that God will give them comfort, peace and understanding through such a terrible time in their lives. God is our ultimate comforter. He will wrap his loving arms around us in times like this. He loves us!! We may not see everything in perspective right now but along the way, we will definitely see it!

So, to all of my peeps, please keep this sweet family in your prayers! Keep praying for myself and Brandon as we try to stay calm and not be all stressed awaiting the results of next Wednesdays blood test!!! Thank you all so much for your support and love during this ever so difficult time for us!! And remember "Some miracles come soon; Some come late; And some don't come until Heaven; But for those that embrace the Gospel of Jesus Christ, THEY COME"!!!! Such an amazing and truthful reminder! Chat with you all soon!!!

P.S...Don't we all wish we had a fairy Godmother!!!! Cinderella was a lucky chick!! I could sure put that magic wand to use!!! ha ha!!

Waiting is the hardest part....

It has been a while since I have poured myself into this blog...I am sorry...It has been a rough past couple of weeks. Emotional...yes...mentally...yes...physically...yes....It has been rough!!!

On August 10th, I took (10) Letrizol to jump start the follicle making. On Sunday August 11th, I started feeling very nauseated and had a terrible bout of extreme dizziness and light headed. I figured it was from the medication so I trucked on and waited until our appointment for our first ultrasound to see how many maturing follicles we had. So on August 14th, we went in for our first official appointment to see how mature my follicles were and low and behold we had FIVE! It was very exciting and very emotional to see all the fluid filled little sacs that contained all of my eggies (aka..Potential Baby Luther). To see my husband sitting in the chair watching the screen and getting a huge smile on his face with watery eyes, just absolutely made my heart melt. It definitely is the start to something wonderful!

So we went back on August 16th to check again...They had grown significantly and there was definitely 4 that would hopefully be mature by Monday the 19th for the Doctor to release my eggs for ovulation. Well, I wasn't as "easy" as I should have been over the weekend and on Monday morning we had our next ultrasound (usually the last) to check for exact size of the follicles. Well, I am still so blessed by even the news of only being 2 definite and 1 maybe that would be mature enough to be released. Of course I cried because 4 sure sounded best, but it only takes ONE! So aside from the fact two follicles had disappeared due to me not taking it easy and probably stressing way more than I should have, WE ARE BLESSED TO HAVE FINALLY GOTTEN THIS FAR!!!!

Of course the plan was not on track for releasing these babies on Monday the 19th, nor Tuesday the 20th because they wanted them to get as big as they could before giving me the injection of HcG to release them. I was of course, a nervous wreck and still am for that matter. I had to stay in bed due to the injection giving me an awful reaction at the injection site and causing a softball size knot to appear with a red and feverish spot the size of a softball on the outside of my stomach. I had to focus on timed intercourse (TMI I know but hey this is a blog about our quest to become parents so duh...That is how babies get here!!) and laying with my pelvis tilted...It was a whirlwind of a week for me. I have been so dizzy and since the oral medication and the injection I have had the worst migraine ever of my life. But I keep looking at the prize!!! OUR BABY!!! OUR MIRACLE!!! OUR BLESSING FROM THE LORD JESUS CHRIST!!! That is what keeps me from having a total meltdown and just sitting and crying about it all. I WILL be a Mommy!! I know it!!

Tuesday this week (August 27th) I will go back for another appointment for them to see if I actually ovulated (released all of the mature eggs). Then on September 4th they will draw my blood to see if I am actually PREGNANT!! Oh em Gee!!!! Waiting on this date is the hardest and the longest part of this whole journey we have been on for the last 5 years and 1 month. I have taken a pregnancy test every month for the past 5 years and this time, I will be sitting it out and waiting on the Doctor's office to tell me the dreaded "NO" or the ever so prayed for "YES"! God has been so good to us! This whole journey may be coming to an end very soon and I must say if I could go back and change anything I definitely wouldn't. I would've found Jesus way before I did because He has been my strength along with my husband through this entire roller coaster. It is amazing at the friendships I have made just from talking about this very common thing we call "Infertility"! Some are ashamed and will not talk about it or offer a helping hand to others that are on this journey, but I feel if I can help someone to better understand Infertility as a whole, then God is working in me to do just that!! I am sure I will be updating this week, just to get stuff off of my chest since I am already a nervous wreck about what is or isn't going on in my uterus right now...I wish I could call down there and ask the receptionist is there any visitors hanging out on the uterine lining for the next 9 months!!! ha ha!! Hey, a girl can wish, Jack!!! I love you all and thank you for your prayers!! Keep them coming, as we will definitely be needing them!!!

A sick kind of day...UGH

So, as I sit here in the bed not feeling well at all...(Saturday was the day I had to take my oral fertility medication) I figured pouring myself into my blog would be the best way to get over the blues of this process.
The happenings of this past week has really made me sit and ponder on what could happen in my very near future. I was diagnosed with high blood pressure when I was 17 years old. Genetic, YES. My Dad always had really high blood pressure that he chose to do nothing about. It runs in my family. With that being said, preeclampsia is a possibility of course in every pregnancy. I seem to believe it is a little more possible in my pregnancy or pregnancies, due to the fact I do have high blood pressure prior to becoming pregnant.It has been a fear ever since we started trying to become pregnant, over 5 years ago now. But I have remember that being fearful is without faith. I have to keep the faith and know that God will take care of me during this pregnancy we are praying for this month. God is good ALL of the time.
I must say I am a little nervous about our appointment tomorrow. I go for my first official ultrasound of my little eggies to see how many there are and how big they are getting!! After all, they only have T minus 7 days to be big enough to get fertilized!! They better get on the ball! It makes it all surreal to finally be in a cycle and finally be on the road to becoming parents very soon!! I will update tomorrow again after our appointment with how big our little follicles are getting and how far we are progressing!! YAY! So exciting! Even though the meds are making me feel like I have been ran over by a Mac truck, I am still excited and I know this will all be worth it one sweet day!! Hopefully and prayerfully very soon!

Blessed be the day

As I sit here tonight I can only be so grateful that God has been so good to me when I am so undeserving. This past week we had another appointment (August 1st). Since things are a "GO" for this first (and last hopefully and God willing) cycle we have been praying for, I have lots of ultrasounds that are in my near future and that happened to be the very first one. We got to the office and they took me back to the imaging room and only being the second time I have been in this dreaded room, I was over come with emotions this time. As you walk into these rooms, there are medium sized flat screen TV's on the wall of each room. These are most definitely meant for happy, blessed new Mommy's and Daddy's to see their sweet little miracles. I sat there waiting (not for very long) and imagined how I will feel on the day we go in and get to see our sweet little miracle right before our very eyes on those same TV screens. Such an emotional thing to think about when you have been waiting 5 years and 6 days  to be able to see that tiny little miracle on a stick or a screen for that matter. Blessed be the day!

Any hoo, one of the ARNP's came in and she did the ultrasound to check for cysts and follicles on my ovaries. There was nothing at all on my right ovary (PTL!! The many many cysts that once surrounded both ovaries are GONE thanks to meds and proper PCOS nutrition!!) and 2 pretty good sized black dots on my left ovary that could either be cysts or follicles. The only way to tell is to do a blood test checking for a certain hormone that cysts produce. After a long over night wait for a STAT blood test, the levels came back great and we get to stay on track with the current calendar for this months cycle!!! The big black spots are most likely follicles (yay) so we will be getting a "lefty" this month!! Ha ha!

To back track a little, the beginning of last week I received an email with a calendar for the whole month of August, some consent forms and lab work orders. On the calendar there are numerous exciting dates (the 19th and 20th are intercourse days so those of course are EXCITING!! ha ha) for the month but the most exciting will be August 27th! That is the day we go back and I will have my blood drawn to see if the cycle worked this month. To see if I am PREGGO!!! Just the idea that the day is only almost 23 days away makes me extremely nervous and semi sick to my stomach. I have waited so long for this day to come and I am so thankful that God has blessed us all along this journey with faith and financial means to pursue this rather expensive process to become parents! So long story short....This month is going to be exciting with great news come August 27th! Please keep praying for this month to be "OUR MONTH"!! God is definitely working!!

Before I close this post tonight, I want to close with a little something for someone that may read this post and be thinking "Why in the world is this girl putting all of her personal life out there for the world to see?" Well, to be honest I feel that by writing this very real blog, I will help someone, even if it is just one person, that is going through the same things we have gone through for the last 5 years. That someone like myself, who has avoided friends, places, parties, etc...Because of the emotional toll pregnant friends, kids birthday parties, baby showers, etc...have on someone who is going through infertility. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! Through this journey, God has placed people in my life that never would have been in my life had it not been for this journey. Life long friends. I have a better understanding of each aspect of this journey by having to type the details out for each and every one that reads this blog. I feel that God chose me to help someone in need of better understanding infertility and PCOS, through my blog and to help me grow in my relationship with Him and on my journey to being a better Christian. I am so thankful and not ashamed one bit of what I tell you. I am blessed to be able to get the opportunity to share our story and to hopefully and prayerfully, help someone else on their journey to becoming parents as well.

Stay tuned for more exciting happenings this month!! August IS our month!! Keep us in your prayers!!

There is light at the end of the lonely tunnel!!

As I sit here tonight and think about the happenings of this past week, I can't help but be so so extremely thankful to our amazing God, our Father! For the past 5 years (July 28th will be 5 years to the day I stopped my birth control and had my first appointment with my OB-GYN at the time) I have cried so many tears of sadness, anger, disappointment and worry. For the past 5 years I have bought roughly 120 at home pregnancy tests that have all read "negative". I would sit and wonder why I have not started my period but yet the pregnancy tests are all saying "sorry, not this time". Somewhere in these last 5 years, I have changed and became a different person. To some, it may not seem that way, but to myself I can tell vital things have changed. One mainly being my faith and my belief in our Heavenly Father (the most important change). April 20th, 2011 I gave my life to Christ again and decided that even though I was not being dealt the cards I wanted, I was being dealt the cards that God wanted me to have and I would have to learn to deal with it. It has NOT been easy sticking to my faith during all of the last 5 years and it has not been easy even since April 2011, but I can say, with Faith comes trials! Yes, even the most faithful still have trials in their lives and if they say they do not then don't believe them. God gives us trials because it makes our Faith stronger and our belief in Him stronger! Over the past 5 years, I have grown in my faith. And for that I am ever so thankful!

To start off the amazing past week, on Tuesday July 16th my best friend (more like my sister) gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, Adleigh! I have never been so filled with love! She is absolutely perfect! She was born with Down's Syndrome (they had no idea) but God has put her on this earth to serve a valuable purpose! This sweet baby girl will touch so many lives and I am blessed and thankful to be able to be apart of hers!  Of course I have been enjoying all of the baby snuggles and I just can't get enough of her! When you see such miracles, how is it not possible to believe in God?

Wedneday July 17th, Brandon and I had another appointment with Dr. Lipari. This will mark our 3rd with him (because he is the Big Dog of the fertility world) so I went into this appointment a nervous wreck. I must say I had little faith, even though God has shown us so much love and promise throughout this journey. I am not sure why, but I just figured we would still have to wait "another month". When we got all settled in around the "round table" waiting on Dr. L to come in, Brandon and I sat there and didn't say a word. It was completely silent and I couldn't help but wonder what was going on inside that head of his. Was he scared, nervous, excited....I couldn't read him. But when Dr. L came in I knew he was nervous just as I was (to a point of making myself sick on my stomach). After all I have waited since January this year for this appointment. I have actually waited 5 years for this appointment to be exact. Dr L said how wonderfully excited he was for us to be back in this office with him for this appointment because he had some really great news and alot of information to give us. He started out with how pleased he was with the increase of Brandon's sperm and the decrease of all of my hormone levels (testosterone to be exact). He talked for a while on the importance of each and how everything goes to together (explained meds etc...). He then told us the news we have been waiting to hear "It is time to put you in a cycle, but whenever you guys are ready" (is this man crazy!! I was ready 5 years ago!! ) I told him that Brandon and I have spent 5 years discussing our options all the way to adoption. We have looked at adoption agencies and even filled out questionnaires to a few. I told him we are so ready! He then told us how it will all work and that I will need to be on birth control for 2 weeks (8 to 10 days) then sometime within the next few days our Care Coordinator, Marty, would be contacting us with all of the needed information (Excel sheet with all of the days I will need take certain meds, etc). I will go back in approximately 2 weeks for an ultrasound of my ovaries to see just how many little follicles there are and then he will give me an injection to make me ovulate within 24 hours from the time he gives it to me. From that point, we wait and come back for blood work and more ultrasounds to see if it worked or if we will have to do another cycle. I am praying and I ask you all to please pray, this cycle will work and I will finally get to hear the words "YOU ARE PREGNANT"!!

Becoming a Mother is one of the most important things I want out of this life! I want that unconditional love of being a Mother, the worry, the laughter and all of the happiness that comes with being a mother! I want the dirty diapers, the vomit, the late nights or all nighter's, the tears, the spankings, potty training that all come with being a mother! Not just the good, but the bad as well! Its a package deal and I am so ready and praying that soon I will get all of these things! I am so extremely thankful for this journey and even though it is not over yet, I can see the light at the end of the lonely tunnel. Never give up! God keeps his promises ladies! Hebrews 11:11 says “It was by faith that even Sarah was able to have a child, though she was barren and was too old. She believed that God would keep his promise.” As we all that are traveling on this journey together should believe that God will keep His promises!! Please keep praying and I ask that you please pray for my dear sweet friend Addie and her new little one Adleigh,  as Adleigh goes through testing this week! Please keep them in your prayers for positive feedback from the Doctors and for a healthy little angel baby!! 

Much Love to you all!!

Good things start coming to those who wait...

Well, well, well....Its been a while since my last post. I'm sorry to all of my followers and Googlers who randomly view my blog. Its been a crazy couple of weeks and I haven't felt much into blogging....(I know I should but too many emotions and crazy things happening to focus...) The most important thing for everyone to remember is it is perfectly normal to get down and out and not want to do anything or be apart of anything while traveling down this road (infertlity...in case anyone forgot)...I have been in this "mode" for quit some time but I have come to realize that the phrase "Good things come to those who wait and who have faith in the Lord" is more than true!! Over the last couple of weeks we have had some ups and downs in our journey...Yep, it happens...But it is how we choose to deal with it that truly matters and gets us out of it.

Wednesday June 26th, we had another set of appointments with Dr. P and Dr. L...At first going into this appointment I didn't really feel very "faith-FULL" and I really didn't have a optimistic attitude about it. After all, we have been driving and swerving down infertile highway for about 5 years now. I truly felt this road was never ending and that we were just "lost" on this journey. We have had disappointment after disappointment and my heart has been so broken in so many ways. But, as many have told me over and over again, God puts these trials in our lives for reasons unknown. Mainly to grow our faith in Him and to grow in ourselves also. From time we went back for our first appointment that morning I was just dreading it. Probably nothing new and just getting told to "come back in four weeks and continue everything you are doing now" was old and I already "knew" it so why come pay them to tell me this. But then God performs miracles and just when we think there is no longer any hope....WHAM!! He hits us with good news.

Brandon went back for his semen analysis at 9, then I had my appointment with Dr. P at 10 (which ended up being 10:45 after we waited) and then if we got "good news" on Brandon's semen analysis Dr. L would come in to wrap everything up at 11 (which ended up being 12:45). I never expected to see Dr. L this day. Stemming from my pessimistic attitude I assumed nothing "good" was bound to happen this appointment. But when everything got wrapped up from my appointment and as we were fixing to walk out with my head held down in disappointment again, the lab director brought over the "paper" we were anxiously awaiting...THE COUNT! My heart dropped into my stomach and I started immediately feeling like I was fixing to have an anxiety attack I was so nervous. Dr. P looked at it and then handed it over to Dr. L who was seeing us off at yet another 4 week appointment. Dr. L looked at us both and motioned for us to go back into the conference room we were in previously to go over the results of THE COUNT. Immediately I knew it was bad news, the injections weren't working again....But might I tell you that when I say God is good, He is truly the miracle worker!! Dr. L said that Brandon's sperm count went from 1.8 million to..........52 million normal sperm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The actual count is 129 million!!!!!!!!!! You could never in a million years, have ever imagined the tears and the smile coming rolling down my face!!! I knew immediately that God heard our prayers over the last couple of months for this count to increase this much!!! Dr. L and Dr. P both said that IVF is NO LONGER AN OPTION for us!!! We will not be needing anything that extensive and better yet, he said as long as my body cooperates with the ovulation stimulation drugs, I SHOULD BE PREGNANT BY AUGUST!!!!!!!!!! To top it off, at the last appointment Brandon's testosterone had increased from 200 to 780...Ideal is 500-600 so it was over shot a little but it is easier to bring it down than to try to make it go up if it isn't wanting too. GOD IS MORE THAN FAITHFUL TO HIS CHILDREN, THOSE WHO HAVE FAITH IN HIM AND BELIEVE!!!!So now, we go back on July 17th  see Dr. L for a full consultation and to get my meds started!!!! EEEEEKKKK! I am way past excited for this date!! It could not come fast enough!


 For those of you on this journey with us, please remember that you are never alone and that with a little faith, BIG things happen!! God is always on our side. The devil tries to interfere with that but as long as we stand strong in our faith, the devil will back down. My frown has now been turned upside down and I am overwhelmed with happiness right now and NOTHING will interfere with that. NOTHING!!! It is time for a change in a lot of areas in my life and I am excited for these changes. People and certain situations let you down, but as long as you have faith in all the great things coming for you, being pessimistic turns into being optimistic!! Thank you all for the prayers you have sent up for us!! Keep them coming as we still are not pregnant but it is only a matter of time now!!

The Family Genes

Man has God been throwing missiles at me and Brandon over the last few weeks. I have really been down and out, which is why I haven't posted but then today I realized that blogging is medicinal and I need to be doing what I feel I should be, which is keeping everyone updated about our journey to parenthood, plus release some stress by typing what is on my heart and mind.

May 29th (last Wednesday) I went back to Dr. P for an insulin resistance follow up. I was only down about 2.5 lbs which is terrible I know. The previous 4 weeks were more than stressful and I eat when I am upset or stressed out and worried about something. I guess the technical term for that is an "emotional eater"...But that is me and that is how I cope, along with many other things. Dr. P kept telling me that being "down" any amount of weight is a very positive thing, no matter the exact number. To me, I am looking at the number. 15-20 lbs a month is a goal of mine and I have been hitting it with about 10 to 12 lbs a month until the last month. But otherwise it was a very long, drawn out appointment since we couldn't really make any permanent decisions on a treatment option due to the fact I have not been released from my Internist to resume any stimulation because of my blood pressure issues at the moment. I have been on hold from that and will continue to be on hold until lots of underlying issues are resolved. We discussed a change up on the diet plan and we increased my metformin to 2,000mg daily which is the highest dose we can go to. My vitamin D levels are right where they want them so we have decreased the 50,000 IU dose once weekly to about 10,000 IU weekly spread out. My thyroid levels have gotten right where they want them for conception so that is great to know but we have continued the Synthroid to maintain those levels. Otherwise, we go back June 12th for Brandon to do another semen analysis to see if the HCG injections are working to increase his sperm count. We will also discuss out options once again at this point so that when my BP gets under control we can go ahead with whatever it may be. I will go back June 26th for another IR follow up and to go over lab results again. The story of our lives!

Now, besides the May 29th, disappointing appointment once again, we have had a lot more going on medically. My headaches have not subsided and neither has the chest pain. I had to have an Urgent Echo done on Thursday last week which was not normal (more on that further down this post) and Monday this week, Brandon was rushed from work to the hospital in Lake City via rescue because they assumed he was having a heart attack (scared to death is an understatement of how I felt). Heart attack was ruled out and it turns out he was in Atrial Fibrillation which is an abnormal heart rhythm or arrhythmia. His heart rate was 199 when he arrived. He was admitted and monitored Monday night with no change from just the meds alone, so they decided to cardiovert him which is where they put him under anesthesia and shock his heart in hopes of putting it back in normal sinus rhythm. I was a basket case because I was at home when I got the call, getting ready for a job interview. Luckily and by the grace of God, I made it back in time to see him before they did the procedure. I was so thankful my Nana and Papa was there with me because I was so scared and worried. Thankfully, the procedure worked, for now and hopefully forever, and his heart is beating a little fast but in a normal sinus rhythm. PRAISE OUR ALMIGHTY GOD!!! He got discharged to come home last night under the conditions that he has someone here at home to monitor him and keep an eye on him for about 48 to 72 hours (lucky me!!). I wouldn't have it any other way because God has shown me that I need to focus on what is most important in my life. Material things and worrying about jobs and money have no affect on our LIFE in general. Our health is the most important thing other than our relationship with the One and the Only! My husband and my family are my first priorities and they haven't been prior to this. My health too. If I plan on being a Mommy then I better start paying closer attention to things.

Now about my abnormal Echo-cardiogram....turns out, my pulmonary valve in my heart is not functioning properly. Also the pressure in my pulmonary artery is extremely low. I have to do a STAT sleep study to make sure I am not stopping breathing while I am sleeping. My lungs are not getting adequate blood flow because of the valve malfunctioning. But the good thing is, we are getting it figured out. This could be the cause of my extremely high blood pressure, headaches and the reason I feel like I have been hit by a truck all day from morning to night. Even though I sleep all night and don't wake up, I still feel exhausted from the beginning of morning. We are focused on this right now and the headaches and everything else will be taken care of after. This is most important right now. So please keep this in your prayers! That my doctors will get it figured out ASAP!

So, since at the ripe young ages of 26 and 27 we feel like we are falling apart....We weren't blessed with great family genes and there is nothing we can do about that but we definitely have learned that living a healthy lifestyle is very very important. Even losing 51 lbs myself and with Brandon losing 90 lbs, we still have a long way to go but God will get us there. We trust in the Lord and that He will get us both back where we need to be and that is in baby making mode!!! Please continue to pray for us on this journey! We are having some pretty serious setbacks but they are all for a good reason and God's reasons for things are important. He will never give us more than we can handle, even though I feel like He has WAY too much trust in me right now! I know He loves us and will take care of us!