I haven't been as diligent with blogging lately as I initially was. Maybe it is because this whole journey is burning me out...Sometimes I just need a breather away from everything "fertility" related. Usually a day or two but not weeks. Man I am slacking!
Okay, so I wanted to update everyone where we stand right now with our treatments and cycles, etc.
We are currently taking a much needed break from treatments. We are still taking the medications however we are not going in for the many ultrasounds and pokes and prods. We are just hanging out at home, trying to re find one another. Infertility is hard on the individuals experiencing it by all means. But, it can take its toll on your marriage and other relationships as well. And let me just say, my marriage and the relationship my husband and I have, has definitely did a nose dive into the dirt over the past few years. The main issue isn't really the infertility. Its mainly family issues that continue to plague us year after year due to jealousy and enviousness and just plain sickness. I have never seen people, especially family (in my case...extended family would be more appropriate because I do not consider for the most part "family") try to ruin a young marriage but boy oh boy was I wrong! So, we will deal with what we have to, cut out what we have to, do whatever in our power to make this work. After all, we still love each other...We just have to find the romance and erotic pleasure we once had, prior to baby making and doctors. All of the "fun" of sex just goes away when you are on a calendar every single month. Its the spur of the moment sex that makes my heart go pitter patter...Not the "Get in here, we are on CD 15 and need to be doing the baby dance". Even if you aren't in the mood, you learn to "lay there" and take one for the team. Well, it gets unhealthy and causes arguments and disagreements...So we have decided to put our marriage and our relationship up front for the moment. After all, who wants to bring a baby into a screwed up relationship situation...NOT US!
I have stayed in contact with our care coordinator about our next steps. I have not given a start date but we are shooting for July or August to start back our treatments. However, I need to be doing some major No Carbing before and I have lost my will power to do it. I am addicted to food...bottom line...I always have been. Everything we do is planned around breakfast, lunch or dinner plans. Most healthy food tastes like crap. So I stick to what I know and it gets boring. So then I fall off the wagon only to be drug behind it with road rash to remind me of the struggle (LOL). I gotta figure something out before I gain back the 50 lbs I lost last year.
I will be randomly updating with a few different types of posts. I want to share my testimony with everyone who reads and follows my blog and our journey. God has gotten me where I am today and has gotten me to be able to write about our journey, in hopes of helping others. My goal from the beginning, as I have said a million times, was to just "BE REAL"! I am being as real and I possibly can because I want everyone to know what it is really like, not sugar coated or fancied up. This is real life. The real life of Kristie and Brandon and our journey to become parents. It isn't a great journey, but it is ours. This is what God chose for us to endure temporarily (because I know He will bless us with a baby).
Thank you all for always asking for updates and emailing questions or concerns you have. I LOVE LOVE LOVE answering your questions and providing feedback to your situations. I love you all and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the prayers. Please keep them coming. We are still on the journey. We have not given up and never will until the fat lady sings...Well, really until God says so. But we have NOT given up! We are just taking a breather! Treatments are intense and costly. We have been aggressively being treated for over a year and half with no breaks. Prior to that, I was being aggressively treated for 3 years, with no breaks. So it is time for a break. And it is okay to take a break every now and again. You have to find yourself in all the hustle and bustle of infertility treatments. Do not give up either!!
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Saturday, May 10, 2014
Mother's Day...The day I used to dread....
Mother's Day....
Yes, "Mother's" Day...The day we celebrate our Mothers, Grandmothers and...being a Mother...Well, not us infertile ladies....It happens to be a sad day for us...It reminds us of what we don't have. It reminds us of the control we don't have over our bodies. It reminds us that our dreams are yet to be fulfilled. It is a big, stinky day of "reminders" for us.
That was just how I saw Mother's Day for the past 5 years. I dreaded it. I actually hated it (God says we shall not hate, but to be honest, He knows how bad I really really didn't like Mothers Day). I celebrate my Mother, my Grandmother and my Aunt of course. 3 women who have had a major impact in my life. I celebrate the fact that my best friend is the most amazing Mother there is and I pray I can one day be just a portion of the Mother she is. There is so much to celebrate, even in the midst of the pain I feel.
Ever since I found Jesus in 2011, my life has not been easy by no means. But I have a peace about the things that are happening in my life. Whereas before I didn't feel there was any hope at all for me. I didn't want to wake up the next day many nights because I was so miserable. I suffered from an intense level of grief from losing my Dad so tragically. I suffered an intense level of grief for the baby I have yet to conceive and meet. I felt like a failure for quitting school and deciding to let my husband follow his dream of starting his own business. I felt like a failure for not being able to give my husband a child of his own. I-felt-like-a-huge-FAILURE! But then one day, I realized something....There are people in this world and even in our little town that have been through some amazingly tragic, tough times and they have a relationship with Jesus Christ and they have HOPE! I wanted that. I wanted to not feel so depressed and sad all the time. So I made the decision to ask God to forgive me for my past and for a chance to start new with a new heart filled with joy, hope, faith and happiness. A chance for a new path in this life and to understand the journey I am on. God gave me HOPE! He gave me a second chance! There are still days where I do not feel very much like a Christian because I doubt, I get angry, I say bad words when I get angry and I above all else, worry my self to death. But if we were to never have a bad day or a bad time in our lives, even as Christians, we would never need God!
With that said, this Mother's Day is a new one for me! I have learned that being a Mother is not just bringing a tiny human into this world through birth. Being a Mother is bringing life to anyone! If you meet a stranger and you say something nice to them, you have brought them a since of what life is all about. That is being a Mother. Motherhood is a desire that God gives each and everyone of us women. He gives it to us, not just to have a child of our own. He gives it to us, so that we can breathe life into this world and Mother his creation! Being a Mother in the image of God is bringing forth new life, nurturing those on her path. Being a mother is teaching good things. Not just to a child in which she bore but to anyone who crosses her path! Each and everyone of us, has a Mother's heart!!
For the past 6 years I have put a child I have yet to conceive above all else in my life. He/she has been my number one priority in everything I have done. That my friends, is the heart of Mother.
This Mother's Day, please remember those that are grieving this day. Say a prayer for the Mother's who have lost a baby whether it be through a miscarriage or a baby that was born and left too soon. Say a prayer for those that are doing everything in their power to conceive a child. No one knows these paths and the hurt and pain that are on them, unless you have walked in them yourself. Celebrate your Mother, Grandmothers, Aunts and friends. Having a baby and being a "Mom" is one of the greatest blessings one could ever receive! Having a Mother's heart is knowing that is true!
Happy Mother's Day to all of the Mother's out there reading this post! Even the ones like me, who is still trying...Happy Mother's Day!!
Yes, "Mother's" Day...The day we celebrate our Mothers, Grandmothers and...being a Mother...Well, not us infertile ladies....It happens to be a sad day for us...It reminds us of what we don't have. It reminds us of the control we don't have over our bodies. It reminds us that our dreams are yet to be fulfilled. It is a big, stinky day of "reminders" for us.
That was just how I saw Mother's Day for the past 5 years. I dreaded it. I actually hated it (God says we shall not hate, but to be honest, He knows how bad I really really didn't like Mothers Day). I celebrate my Mother, my Grandmother and my Aunt of course. 3 women who have had a major impact in my life. I celebrate the fact that my best friend is the most amazing Mother there is and I pray I can one day be just a portion of the Mother she is. There is so much to celebrate, even in the midst of the pain I feel.
Ever since I found Jesus in 2011, my life has not been easy by no means. But I have a peace about the things that are happening in my life. Whereas before I didn't feel there was any hope at all for me. I didn't want to wake up the next day many nights because I was so miserable. I suffered from an intense level of grief from losing my Dad so tragically. I suffered an intense level of grief for the baby I have yet to conceive and meet. I felt like a failure for quitting school and deciding to let my husband follow his dream of starting his own business. I felt like a failure for not being able to give my husband a child of his own. I-felt-like-a-huge-FAILURE! But then one day, I realized something....There are people in this world and even in our little town that have been through some amazingly tragic, tough times and they have a relationship with Jesus Christ and they have HOPE! I wanted that. I wanted to not feel so depressed and sad all the time. So I made the decision to ask God to forgive me for my past and for a chance to start new with a new heart filled with joy, hope, faith and happiness. A chance for a new path in this life and to understand the journey I am on. God gave me HOPE! He gave me a second chance! There are still days where I do not feel very much like a Christian because I doubt, I get angry, I say bad words when I get angry and I above all else, worry my self to death. But if we were to never have a bad day or a bad time in our lives, even as Christians, we would never need God!
With that said, this Mother's Day is a new one for me! I have learned that being a Mother is not just bringing a tiny human into this world through birth. Being a Mother is bringing life to anyone! If you meet a stranger and you say something nice to them, you have brought them a since of what life is all about. That is being a Mother. Motherhood is a desire that God gives each and everyone of us women. He gives it to us, not just to have a child of our own. He gives it to us, so that we can breathe life into this world and Mother his creation! Being a Mother in the image of God is bringing forth new life, nurturing those on her path. Being a mother is teaching good things. Not just to a child in which she bore but to anyone who crosses her path! Each and everyone of us, has a Mother's heart!!
For the past 6 years I have put a child I have yet to conceive above all else in my life. He/she has been my number one priority in everything I have done. That my friends, is the heart of Mother.
This Mother's Day, please remember those that are grieving this day. Say a prayer for the Mother's who have lost a baby whether it be through a miscarriage or a baby that was born and left too soon. Say a prayer for those that are doing everything in their power to conceive a child. No one knows these paths and the hurt and pain that are on them, unless you have walked in them yourself. Celebrate your Mother, Grandmothers, Aunts and friends. Having a baby and being a "Mom" is one of the greatest blessings one could ever receive! Having a Mother's heart is knowing that is true!
Happy Mother's Day to all of the Mother's out there reading this post! Even the ones like me, who is still trying...Happy Mother's Day!!
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
National Infertility Awareness Week
There are 7.4 Million women in the United States alone, that suffer from Infertility currently. This doesn't include the men who are diagnosed with being infertile or having fertility issues that are being treated.
This means that there are 7.4 Million "Mommy's at heart" who are waiting not so patiently for their dreams to come true and their miracle to be given! Myself included!!This also means, that there are 7.4 Million women suffering from Infertility and may or may not ever become a Mommy through giving birth to their own baby.
Being infertile is NOT easy!! It is NOT something that us women use as a crutch or a way to get pity from others. Usually the ones who have smart mouthed comments about us women who are struggling with infertility, are those that have no idea what being infertile is about or what it feels like. It is mostly women who have children of their own. As I have said numerous times, ignorance is one of the hardest things to try to deal with while trying to handle being infertile. Which is a lot of the reason I started this blog....To bring awareness to what someone who is experiencing infertility actually goes through. To bring light to this dark situation. To make the ignorant ones more knowledgeable of what infertility is and why it is difficult to struggle with. To put all of the bull crap comments aside and to bring forth facts. Facts that will one day, change the way people think about Infertility. Facts that will one day, hopefully and prayerfully, bring insurance companies to see that infertility is a medical diagnosis, a disease of the reproductive system, so they will start covering diagnostic testing, treatments such as IUI or timed intercourse cycles with medications and Invitro Fertilization treatments! Not just one or 2 cycles like some companies cover today, but as many as needed for those that have had failed cycles and still have the desire to be parents and no funds to cover the costs.
Not one person should be turned down from having a baby because they do not have thousands of dollars to pay for the treatments to make their dreams come true. Its just not fair!
I pray on a daily basis, more than once a day for God to bless Brandon and I with a positive HcG pregnancy test. I have prayed for many years for this positive test and it has not been in God's perfect plan for us, yet. That doesn't not mean I will give up. It means, I will continue to pray through the terrible storm we are in. I will continue to share my story in hopes that others will feel more comfortable to share their stories. This is how you raise awareness folks!!
On my Facebook page earlier today I posted about the costs of treatments. Just from estimating, in the last 16 months, Brandon and I have invested close to $27,000 in our journey. This doesn't include lab work and other less major things we have had to pay out of pocket for. This also doesn't include the gas it takes to drive to the appointments that are over an hour and half from home. During a cycle, we go to our Doctor's office 3 times a week (or more) depending on how well things progress. That is $60 for that week, just in gas to go to and from the Doctor. So we have a small fortune invested in gas over the past 16 months with our current Doctor. None of these figures include the prior 3 years we spent with a Doctor at Shands who didn't help us at all...Only wanted to do biopsies and lab tests and medications, none of which found anything or helped anything at all...Anyways, my point of sharing this is not to complain because I can tell you every single penny of what we have invested will be more than worth it in the end. I share this simply to "bring awareness" into what it takes to pursue infertility treatments! It is not cheap!!! And like I said, insurance companies just do not offer coverage for infertility treatments. Some will cover diagnostics, medications and lab work, but most all insurance companies do not cover the actual procedures such as IUI and IVF.
I will leave you with this...SHARE YOUR STORY!!!!
You never know when God will be using YOUR story to help others!! There have been times when I didn't want to put our personal business out there for the whole world to view. Then, I felt in my heart that this is about God and not about me. This journey of Infertility is about God, not about me! No matter what happens, God will get all of the glory and praise!! God does not owe us nothing! We owe him our lives. After all, Jesus gave his life for us! So no matter what, we have to remember that every single aspect of my story, your story, EVERYONE'S STORY, is all about God and not about us!
Ecclesiastes 7:14 "When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider; God has made the one as well as the other."
No matter your situation right now, no matter your story or your journey...Praise God for being with you during it! Imagine how bad it could really be, without God as your comforter! WOW. I do not ever want to imagine that! Stay faithful, stay strong! To my fellow infertile friends who are on this journey with us....Heads up, pray without ceasing, praise God for the light he has given you in the darkest of your days, praise God for not giving you anything but his greatest blessings. Stand strong my friend! Our days are coming! God will give us the desires of our hearts! And if he doesn't plan on it, I pray that he remove that desire from our hearts!
Stay tuned guys...Brandon and I are currently going to take a little bit of a break to find ourselves again. During treatment, you get caught up in the calendar....You forget the romance and the love and the passion of being with just each other. We lost that over the past 4 years and really lost it over the past 16 months. So it is time for us to recollect ourselves. It is time for me to let my body have a break from all of the harsh medications. We are going to start back into treatment in July hopefully, after our anniversary. In the mean time, I will start sharing my testimony with everyone. I haven't forgot about it. I am praying for God to give me the right words to say when I decide to type up the posts. So bare with me. I know there are a lot of you who only know our infertility story, but do not know about my Christ journey and how I got to where I am today in my faith.
Monday, April 7, 2014
Sometimes, the answer is "Not yet"
The title of this post says it all...Sometimes God's answer is "no" or "not yet"....Its hard to swallow but it is just how it goes.
This morning at 7am I was up getting ready to go have my blood drawn. As I was getting dressed, doing my makeup and fixing this mess of hair I have on my head, all I could think about was how today may be the day our lives will change forever, in such a fantastic way! Then, in the back of my mind I always have that little voice telling me to "learn from past disappointments and do not get your hopes up, Kristie". So then the excitement of what the day may bring, turns to fear and nervousness. As always....
After going to breakfast with my loving husband, going to Walmart and getting a new bedspread I have had my eye on for while now and coming home to do the usual sit and wait routine, we finally got a call from our nurse. I could tell by her voice, as I always have been able to from past cycles....It was negative. N-E-G-A-T-I-V-E
God's answer for this cycle was N-O!
Of course I was totally devastated....Completely and utterly devastated. My heart IS broken...again. But it will heal, in God's time. I just wish some people could see the pain we experience going through this type of aggressive treatment. Its NO joke, that is for sure.
All blood work came back normal, ovulation was successful...The only explanation was (in the words of our nurse) "It just didn't take". My HcG level was 4 and anything less than 5 means "NOT PREGNANT". I have eggs, beautiful eggs that mature on command with the medication and Brandon has sperm, it may not be ten million plus, but there is sperm there. This is a perfect example of "IT JUST ISN'T GOD'S PERFECT TIMING".
Of course stress is always a factor and I happen to be the most stressed out person on the planet right now. I pray daily for God to take away the stress, but I feel like unless I move to another state or another country...I will still be stressed. The problem now is that unless I can learn to control it, I will probably never get pregnant or maintain pregnancy. I have tried the "stress management" therapy and it was not successful. I will just continue to pursue God, because He is the only way to be stress free!
God doesn't always give us the answers we want in life. For 6 years now, I have gotten a big fat "NO" every month. As long as I dwell on the "NO", I cannot see all of the "Yes" answers we have gotten from God. So with that said, I am starting a prayer box. Both Brandon and I are going to write our prayers and put them in the box. At the end of each week, we are going to go through the box and see everything God has answered. I really believe this will open my eyes to everything I am so blessed by. I am pretty excited about it.
Right now, the only thing I can do is pray for strength and peace. I know in my heart that I will be a Mother one day. I just don't know when that day will come. In the mean time, I pray for the financial means to continue this treatment as we all know it is very expensive. I pray for strength to be able to emotionally handle it and to continue on this journey. I pray for peace and understanding of what is going on. I pray that whatever the reason, God will be glorified in all of this and every single step of the way in this journey we are on.
Thank you all so much for your prayers. Please continue to keep us in your prayers as we continue on this journey. We are not giving up. Right now we wait to find out what our doctor wants to do as far as treatment for this next cycle. I am sure, more meds and stronger meds. I know that at some point, God will open my womb and bless us with a baby! Until then, I will continue to praise Him!
Stay tuned for the next post. I will be sharing my testimony in my next post and you do not want to miss what God has done in my life. I love you all!! Thank you again for all of the prayers and for supporting us in this journey. It is still not over and we can definitely still use your prayers. Prayer works as it is the direct connection to our Lord and Savior! Keep them going up specifically for a positive pregnancy test and a healthy pregnancy (when that time comes).
This morning at 7am I was up getting ready to go have my blood drawn. As I was getting dressed, doing my makeup and fixing this mess of hair I have on my head, all I could think about was how today may be the day our lives will change forever, in such a fantastic way! Then, in the back of my mind I always have that little voice telling me to "learn from past disappointments and do not get your hopes up, Kristie". So then the excitement of what the day may bring, turns to fear and nervousness. As always....
After going to breakfast with my loving husband, going to Walmart and getting a new bedspread I have had my eye on for while now and coming home to do the usual sit and wait routine, we finally got a call from our nurse. I could tell by her voice, as I always have been able to from past cycles....It was negative. N-E-G-A-T-I-V-E
God's answer for this cycle was N-O!
Of course I was totally devastated....Completely and utterly devastated. My heart IS broken...again. But it will heal, in God's time. I just wish some people could see the pain we experience going through this type of aggressive treatment. Its NO joke, that is for sure.
All blood work came back normal, ovulation was successful...The only explanation was (in the words of our nurse) "It just didn't take". My HcG level was 4 and anything less than 5 means "NOT PREGNANT". I have eggs, beautiful eggs that mature on command with the medication and Brandon has sperm, it may not be ten million plus, but there is sperm there. This is a perfect example of "IT JUST ISN'T GOD'S PERFECT TIMING".
Of course stress is always a factor and I happen to be the most stressed out person on the planet right now. I pray daily for God to take away the stress, but I feel like unless I move to another state or another country...I will still be stressed. The problem now is that unless I can learn to control it, I will probably never get pregnant or maintain pregnancy. I have tried the "stress management" therapy and it was not successful. I will just continue to pursue God, because He is the only way to be stress free!
God doesn't always give us the answers we want in life. For 6 years now, I have gotten a big fat "NO" every month. As long as I dwell on the "NO", I cannot see all of the "Yes" answers we have gotten from God. So with that said, I am starting a prayer box. Both Brandon and I are going to write our prayers and put them in the box. At the end of each week, we are going to go through the box and see everything God has answered. I really believe this will open my eyes to everything I am so blessed by. I am pretty excited about it.
Right now, the only thing I can do is pray for strength and peace. I know in my heart that I will be a Mother one day. I just don't know when that day will come. In the mean time, I pray for the financial means to continue this treatment as we all know it is very expensive. I pray for strength to be able to emotionally handle it and to continue on this journey. I pray for peace and understanding of what is going on. I pray that whatever the reason, God will be glorified in all of this and every single step of the way in this journey we are on.
Thank you all so much for your prayers. Please continue to keep us in your prayers as we continue on this journey. We are not giving up. Right now we wait to find out what our doctor wants to do as far as treatment for this next cycle. I am sure, more meds and stronger meds. I know that at some point, God will open my womb and bless us with a baby! Until then, I will continue to praise Him!
Stay tuned for the next post. I will be sharing my testimony in my next post and you do not want to miss what God has done in my life. I love you all!! Thank you again for all of the prayers and for supporting us in this journey. It is still not over and we can definitely still use your prayers. Prayer works as it is the direct connection to our Lord and Savior! Keep them going up specifically for a positive pregnancy test and a healthy pregnancy (when that time comes).
Thursday, March 27, 2014
The "wait" is the hardest part
Okay, so I know I have to catch everyone up on some things with our current cycle! Its been a while but I have been under the weather....seriously, under the weather. Every cycle we do, I feel like I have been ran over by a train. I am thinking that is mostly due to the fluctuation in my hormones since they go from one extreme to another. I mean, we are medically inducing a natural process after all.
Well, aside from the allergic reaction I had to one of the injections, the cycle went pretty good. It didn't turn out as we had initially planned but I am thanking God for absolutely anything at this point! After all, He is the reason we are here and progressing. And for that I am so thankful, no matter the outcome.
Even with the new injections and increase in dosage, I still only had one fully mature follicle. There were lots of smaller ones but the matured one dominates and kind of stops the growth of all the others. We are so thankful for this one follicle. So very thankful!
So, the good news of the whole cycle and something that really caught us off guard is that the one follicle I had, fully matured FIVE DAYS before the anticipated date!!!!!! Yes, FIVE WHOLE DAYS!!! So our IUI was moved up 3 days sooner. It made me nervous because we were suppose to abstain from intercourse for 4 days this cycle in hopes of getting a higher total motile sperm count, but we did get to abstain for 3 days so for that we are thankful. However, Brandon's count the day of the IUI was still only 4.8 million so we are just going with that number. It is the exact same as last cycle. I have came to the conclusion that God is working something great out of this for us and with a count of 4.8 million and only one mature follicle....It will be a true miracle to get pregnant on such low numbers, but you know what? My God is in the miracle business!!!
For now, we are still in the waiting game. I still feel like poo, but I am starting to feel a little better each day. I am trying to keep my stress level to a minimum and just relax for the next 16 days, as hard as that will be. I am suppose to be eating NO carbs however, that has been a huge task for me because even when I am just having my normal monthly visit from FLO, I crave sweets and starches! So with my hormones being so extreme, I crave these things more and it literally makes me want to crawl in a hole and stay there for the remainder of this cycle!!!
We are so blessed with certain people who have been such a great support system for us during the past couple of years that we have actively been pursuing our dreams. I could not imagine how we would've made it this far without our faith and our support system. You all know who you are and we love you and are so thankful for you in our lives.
My goal when I first started this blog, was to bring awareness to Infertility and those that are suffering with it. When I first boarded the "Infertility Express" I didn't have a clue what I was heading in to. No clue! Without those that are willing to share their story, I would've been so lost and clueless! I wanted to return the favor and make sure that those who are secretly suffering with infertility, know that they are NOT ever alone and there is always someone there to help you and answer your questions or offer support! This journey is shaping me into a person I never even imagined I could ever be. My faith has grown so much and for that I am ever so grateful. It makes me sad that God has to use our struggles and our sufferings to really bring His light through us, but in a lot of people, God is not fully glorified, if glorified at all, through our good times and our triumphs. I have made a pledge with myself, that even though God may not answer my prayers or give me the desires of my heart, I will still love and glorify Him in all aspects of my life. After all, He is the final Judge and I want Him to be proud of me and the decisions I made, the life I chose to live!
Please keep Brandon and I in your prayers as we wait! Please pray specifically that I will remain calm and stress free throughout the next 16 days. I do not want any unwanted hormones released that may cause the baby not to attach to my uterine wall! So please pray that this is the end to our wait! That our dreams will finally come true and our prayers for a little miracle baby will be answered!! We love you all and are so thankful for each one of you and your prayers!!!
Well, aside from the allergic reaction I had to one of the injections, the cycle went pretty good. It didn't turn out as we had initially planned but I am thanking God for absolutely anything at this point! After all, He is the reason we are here and progressing. And for that I am so thankful, no matter the outcome.
Even with the new injections and increase in dosage, I still only had one fully mature follicle. There were lots of smaller ones but the matured one dominates and kind of stops the growth of all the others. We are so thankful for this one follicle. So very thankful!
So, the good news of the whole cycle and something that really caught us off guard is that the one follicle I had, fully matured FIVE DAYS before the anticipated date!!!!!! Yes, FIVE WHOLE DAYS!!! So our IUI was moved up 3 days sooner. It made me nervous because we were suppose to abstain from intercourse for 4 days this cycle in hopes of getting a higher total motile sperm count, but we did get to abstain for 3 days so for that we are thankful. However, Brandon's count the day of the IUI was still only 4.8 million so we are just going with that number. It is the exact same as last cycle. I have came to the conclusion that God is working something great out of this for us and with a count of 4.8 million and only one mature follicle....It will be a true miracle to get pregnant on such low numbers, but you know what? My God is in the miracle business!!!
For now, we are still in the waiting game. I still feel like poo, but I am starting to feel a little better each day. I am trying to keep my stress level to a minimum and just relax for the next 16 days, as hard as that will be. I am suppose to be eating NO carbs however, that has been a huge task for me because even when I am just having my normal monthly visit from FLO, I crave sweets and starches! So with my hormones being so extreme, I crave these things more and it literally makes me want to crawl in a hole and stay there for the remainder of this cycle!!!
We are so blessed with certain people who have been such a great support system for us during the past couple of years that we have actively been pursuing our dreams. I could not imagine how we would've made it this far without our faith and our support system. You all know who you are and we love you and are so thankful for you in our lives.
My goal when I first started this blog, was to bring awareness to Infertility and those that are suffering with it. When I first boarded the "Infertility Express" I didn't have a clue what I was heading in to. No clue! Without those that are willing to share their story, I would've been so lost and clueless! I wanted to return the favor and make sure that those who are secretly suffering with infertility, know that they are NOT ever alone and there is always someone there to help you and answer your questions or offer support! This journey is shaping me into a person I never even imagined I could ever be. My faith has grown so much and for that I am ever so grateful. It makes me sad that God has to use our struggles and our sufferings to really bring His light through us, but in a lot of people, God is not fully glorified, if glorified at all, through our good times and our triumphs. I have made a pledge with myself, that even though God may not answer my prayers or give me the desires of my heart, I will still love and glorify Him in all aspects of my life. After all, He is the final Judge and I want Him to be proud of me and the decisions I made, the life I chose to live!
Please keep Brandon and I in your prayers as we wait! Please pray specifically that I will remain calm and stress free throughout the next 16 days. I do not want any unwanted hormones released that may cause the baby not to attach to my uterine wall! So please pray that this is the end to our wait! That our dreams will finally come true and our prayers for a little miracle baby will be answered!! We love you all and are so thankful for each one of you and your prayers!!!
Thursday, March 6, 2014
The next step!
WOW! It's been quite a while since my last post! 4 weeks to the date, to be exact! It has been really nice to take a break from treatment, from blogging, from certain people (as rude as that sounds) and from some of the stressful aspects of my life and to just focus on my school work, our new church, my life group and my family! It has been refreshing. However, this baby isn't going to make itself, so it is time to get the show back on the road. Here is a recap for those of you just joining me on this journey! I know there are some newbies and I want everyone to know our whole story!
So, here we are. Five years and 8 months later. Still pursuing our dream...Our miracle! I am so thankful that God has given us the strength, peace of mind and financial ability to pursue our Miracle!!
Last week, Brandon had another SA done and I had an appointment with Dr. L and really got a whole new outlook on this entire journey from here on out (well, I would say this came from lots and lots of constant prayer). We have a whole new plan of treatment because I have quit responding to some of the medication we have used prior. I am ever so thankful for such an amazing Doctor. I could never thank him enough for being so compassionate and caring about his patients and for the desire we have.
Today, I had my baseline ultrasound to check and make sure everything looks good and we are safe to move forward with the cycle. Everything looked great, other than my ovaries looking very polycystic, but she wasn't concerned and said we are clear to move forward. Saturday I will stop my birth control (used only to keep the cysts off of my ovaries and to give me the estrogen I need) and wait for a break through bleed somewhere around Tuesday. Next Friday I will take an at home pregnancy test and if it is negative, Saturday I will take all of my oral medication. We go back in about a week and a half to check and see how things are looking. Then we will have to bring out the big guns...The new injections! I am scared of how I will feel since every cycle has made me feel terrible and has caused so much pain. Since the new injection is to stimulate my ovaries to make more eggs, I can only imagine what I will feel like, but you know...My God is bigger than anything and will not give me any more than I can handle. After all, look at how far He has brought us!!
Without putting Jesus Christ first in my life and really growing in my faith recently, I would never be able to write this blog. I would never be able to say that I am content right now and that God WILL make me a Mother! Do not give up on pursuing your dreams because you are afraid! Do not let fear stand in the way of doing what God has set up for you to do! I am right where God wants me to be right now at this point in my life. I definitely wouldn't consider that selfish my friends!! I am being obedient!! God does NOT make mistakes in our lives. He has it planned out well before we were created. He loves us in a way you could never imagine and never wants us to hurt or be sad. He wants us to live a life of happiness and joy. But does that mean we will never experience hardship, pain, sadness, anger, financial problems, family problems, etc....?? Heck no!! Look at what Jesus had to endure! We are definitely not better than Jesus, so our problems are nothing compared to what He experienced.
If any of you take anything from reading my blog I want it to be this....
God is in control of every aspect of our lives. Whether you believe in God or not, He still has control! If you give Him your life, you will go far! I have endured so much hardship, infertility not being the only one either. But every thing we experience adds a spark of flavor and depth to our testimony and our overall story that God has written! If you are experiencing any hardship whether its infertility, marriage or financial problems, problems at work or just a plain ole' jacked up life...GOD IS IN CONTROL!!! He is in control of it all, just pray and let Him do what He has planned. It makes it much easier when we go with His flow instead of fighting it. Its like trying to avoid a spanking as a child...The more you run around the house acting crazy, trying to avoid it, the worse it is when your Mom or Dad actually catch up to you and spank your ever loving butt! God just sits back and watches us run around acting crazy trying to avoid the flow of His plans for us. But once we give in and let it just happen, its so much easier than putting up a fight.
I will keep you all updated as we continue on! Please please please be in prayer for us!! This cycle is our last resort before IVF. Of course we can do this type of IUI cycle as many times as we feel necessary, however there is nowhere to go except IVF from here. So please, please pray that we will be blessed with our little miracle come April! Thank you all for the love and support you have given us!! I love you all!!
- July 28, 2008 is the day we started trying to conceive. We started with the OBGYN and tracked things from there but 2 years went by and NOTHING.
- November 2010 I started seeing a Reproductive Endocrinologist at Shands UF. Rather than focus on the fact I have been trying to conceive with no luck for over 2 years, she focused on the reality that I may have endometrial cancer, preventing pregnancy and causing the terrible random bleeding I endured. So I went through an endometrial biopsy (extremely painful due to the endometrial lining being so thick) and it turned out I did not have cancer (PTL). Lab work indicated Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, which would explain the abnormal cycles I had, excess hair growth on my face and no baby. The doctor ordered a Semen Analysis at this time for Brandon and he refused to get it done for reasons unknown to me at the time. So I left it alone.
- We endured the next 2 years with the RE at Shands with no success due to the Doc being more concerned about me being overweight than helping with my infertility. I was told 10 to 20 lbs would get my cycles back to normal and I could possibly get pregnant on my own...WRONG!
- September 2012 I started seeing a Bariatric physician who helped me lose close to 60 lbs in about 4 months. Well...Still no baby...Normal cycles, yes, but still no baby.
- January 2013 we started going to our Reproductive specialist we are currently with now. Over the past 14 months we have endured extensive testing, more testing, lab work, bad news, testing of our faith, one failed timed intercourse cycle with injections and oral medications, finding out I have a genetic disorder that could prevent healthy pregnancies and cause miscarriages, 2 failed intrauterine insemination cycles...one with injections and oral medications and one they call a minimal stimulation cycle with 2 injections and oral medications. Brandon's sperm count has went from barely 5 million to 129 million back down to 4 million over the course of the past 12 months.
So, here we are. Five years and 8 months later. Still pursuing our dream...Our miracle! I am so thankful that God has given us the strength, peace of mind and financial ability to pursue our Miracle!!
Last week, Brandon had another SA done and I had an appointment with Dr. L and really got a whole new outlook on this entire journey from here on out (well, I would say this came from lots and lots of constant prayer). We have a whole new plan of treatment because I have quit responding to some of the medication we have used prior. I am ever so thankful for such an amazing Doctor. I could never thank him enough for being so compassionate and caring about his patients and for the desire we have.
Today, I had my baseline ultrasound to check and make sure everything looks good and we are safe to move forward with the cycle. Everything looked great, other than my ovaries looking very polycystic, but she wasn't concerned and said we are clear to move forward. Saturday I will stop my birth control (used only to keep the cysts off of my ovaries and to give me the estrogen I need) and wait for a break through bleed somewhere around Tuesday. Next Friday I will take an at home pregnancy test and if it is negative, Saturday I will take all of my oral medication. We go back in about a week and a half to check and see how things are looking. Then we will have to bring out the big guns...The new injections! I am scared of how I will feel since every cycle has made me feel terrible and has caused so much pain. Since the new injection is to stimulate my ovaries to make more eggs, I can only imagine what I will feel like, but you know...My God is bigger than anything and will not give me any more than I can handle. After all, look at how far He has brought us!!
Without putting Jesus Christ first in my life and really growing in my faith recently, I would never be able to write this blog. I would never be able to say that I am content right now and that God WILL make me a Mother! Do not give up on pursuing your dreams because you are afraid! Do not let fear stand in the way of doing what God has set up for you to do! I am right where God wants me to be right now at this point in my life. I definitely wouldn't consider that selfish my friends!! I am being obedient!! God does NOT make mistakes in our lives. He has it planned out well before we were created. He loves us in a way you could never imagine and never wants us to hurt or be sad. He wants us to live a life of happiness and joy. But does that mean we will never experience hardship, pain, sadness, anger, financial problems, family problems, etc....?? Heck no!! Look at what Jesus had to endure! We are definitely not better than Jesus, so our problems are nothing compared to what He experienced.
If any of you take anything from reading my blog I want it to be this....
God is in control of every aspect of our lives. Whether you believe in God or not, He still has control! If you give Him your life, you will go far! I have endured so much hardship, infertility not being the only one either. But every thing we experience adds a spark of flavor and depth to our testimony and our overall story that God has written! If you are experiencing any hardship whether its infertility, marriage or financial problems, problems at work or just a plain ole' jacked up life...GOD IS IN CONTROL!!! He is in control of it all, just pray and let Him do what He has planned. It makes it much easier when we go with His flow instead of fighting it. Its like trying to avoid a spanking as a child...The more you run around the house acting crazy, trying to avoid it, the worse it is when your Mom or Dad actually catch up to you and spank your ever loving butt! God just sits back and watches us run around acting crazy trying to avoid the flow of His plans for us. But once we give in and let it just happen, its so much easier than putting up a fight.
I will keep you all updated as we continue on! Please please please be in prayer for us!! This cycle is our last resort before IVF. Of course we can do this type of IUI cycle as many times as we feel necessary, however there is nowhere to go except IVF from here. So please, please pray that we will be blessed with our little miracle come April! Thank you all for the love and support you have given us!! I love you all!!
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Opinions
When Brandon and I first started this journey some 5 years 6 1/2 months ago, I never realized how cruel people could actually be to someone experiencing such pain/grief. For the most part, I kept our struggle, the doctor's appointments, etc...all secret, even to my own family. In the beginning, I assumed I was the only one I knew who was experiencing this struggle. Of course I had known people that it "took a while" however, I didn't know anyone at the time that was struggling and under the care of a reproductive endocrinologist. So, for the most part, I felt very much alone.
Over the past 5 1/2 years, I have really dealt with some rude comments, even from family. For the most part, I just blew it off because ignorance from others is definitely something you deal with when they have no clue about your struggle or your journey. When people don't know what the journey is all about and what infertility really is...Well, they just assume things and 9 out of 10 times, the assumptions are 100% wrong!! Or they "GOOGLE" stuff, all of which they assume is correct information...99% of the time, it doesnt apply to our journey!
After someone saying this past week (I am sure it has been said more than just this past week, but it just surfaced this past week) that I am selfish for wanting to be a mother, because I am:
Over the past 5 1/2 years, I have really dealt with some rude comments, even from family. For the most part, I just blew it off because ignorance from others is definitely something you deal with when they have no clue about your struggle or your journey. When people don't know what the journey is all about and what infertility really is...Well, they just assume things and 9 out of 10 times, the assumptions are 100% wrong!! Or they "GOOGLE" stuff, all of which they assume is correct information...99% of the time, it doesnt apply to our journey!
After someone saying this past week (I am sure it has been said more than just this past week, but it just surfaced this past week) that I am selfish for wanting to be a mother, because I am:
1) Putting myself first
2) Putting my desire to be a mother above anyone or anything else
3) Risking Brandon's health as well as my own
I have had to take a step back and gather myself.........As I said earlier....Ignorance is a given when people do not have a clue...This coming from someone who knows absolutely NOTHING about what Brandon and I have gone through. Only what has been told to them from others who know absolutely NOTHING about what Brandon and I have gone through.......
Anyone who has experienced infertility and is or has undergone treatments will tell you...
IF THERE IS A WAY AROUND GETTING HELP FROM A SPECIALIST AND PAYING RIDICULOUS AMOUNTS OF MONEY, GOING THROUGH RIDICULOUS AMOUNTS OF TESTING, INJECTIONS, MEDICATIONS, LAB WORK, EMOTIONAL STRESS, MARITAL STRUGGLES, BLAME, ETC ETC ETC....WE WOULD NOT BE DOING THIS IF WE DID NOT HAVE TO DO IT IN ORDER TO BE A MOTHER AND FATHER!!!!! IT WAS NOT SOMETHING WE ASKED TO HAPPEN TO US! IT WAS NOT A CHOICE!
I do not in any way, shape or form, see wanting to be a mother as being selfish! Yes, my way of becoming a Mother is not the easy way! I will not get the pleasure of unexpectedly popping up one morning, a week or two late on my period, and say to myself "Maybe I should take a pregnancy test...."
At this point, due to actual medical issues, our only option for conceiving is AGGRESSIVE INFERTILITY TREATMENTS, not just the basic IUI and possibly IVF!
And, by no means, am I sitting here behind this computer screen having to give an explanation of anything that has to do with WHY or HOW about our journey. I just feel that over the past few days, I needed to post this because someone else may be dealing with the same emotions or same ignorance from people and I want them to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!
This journey is not easy and for anyone to say that it is...Well, then that just proves you were never actually on this journey. There are days when you sit and cry all day, praying for God to just give you the strength to make it through one more cycle and praying for that cycle to please be successful because you just dont think you can take it anymore. There are days when you want to give up! There are days when you feel like punching people in the face when they give you their "ignorant advice" and their stupid comments! But, you keep praying for the strength to deal with it! To keep moving on!!
For those of you who dont know, it takes 2 people (male and female) to conceive a baby...When you get into actually doing infertility treatment, for those of you that don't know, it costs ALOT OF MONEY!!! Which if one spouse or the other did not approve or did not want to do the treatments, do you think they would pay the obscene amount of money for the treatments, medications, lab work, injections, etc etc etc....??? NO! This is a decision that Brandon and I made together!! Like most husbands and wives SHOULD do! Everything we do, we do together...It was not my decision or his, it was OURS! Years ago, Brandon did not want to get his semen analysis done...Therefore, he didn't until 3 years later...I never pressured him or said one word to him because I did not honestly know WHY he didn't want to get it done. We talked about our struggle and about the appointments I was attending monthly, but we never discussed the reason for him not wanting to go. I assumed he was uncomfortable and I felt that he would come around sooner or later. It hurt me, because I felt like he didn't care if he knew that his sperm was okay or not. But I never let my hurt, come between us and our marriage. Because I love him that much! So, if I was putting my desire to be a Mother above anyone or anything else, I could have left him right then and there, or I could have given him an ultimatum and told him, "Either you get it done now, or I am gone". So, again...Never assume!
Now that my rant is over...I wish to move along from this...I just want to get awareness out there about Infertility! And how mine and Brandon's Faith in God, has gotten us where we are today!! To really show others what is possible when you put God first! This post may not seem very "Christ-like" to some but being blunt and being on sins side, is two different things. I want everyone to know the reasoning behind why Brandon and I have chosen to continue on with this journey. Honestly, its because we have no other choice. Adoption costs between $30,000 and $50,000 from start to finish and sometimes more than that (for those that keep saying "there are plenty of children out there that need good homes and loving families"...) And honestly, if I have the opportunity to at least try to have my own biological child, I am going to do everything in my power to make that happen. And if it doesn't, then we will consider our options from that point on. But that is not anyone's decision except mine and Brandon's! And we would have to pray about it very hard before we made a decision.
I love getting comments, encouraging us and praying for us! We appreciate it more than any one of you could ever imagine! My only request is this... If you ever have questions, concerns or comments about our journey, DO NOT HESITATE TO ASK ME!!! Brandon will even be glad to answer "manly" questions for any of your men that may not fully understand the male role in all of this! I would rather someone ask me a million questions, than go on thinking what they assume is correct! Most of the time, it is not...No matter if you are a medical professional or not...You may not always know the whole story! So please don't hesitate to ask us! I love answering questions and talking about our journey with people! It is healing for me! Which is why I do this blog, for the most part! Awareness and healing!!
I love you all, and thank you again for the prayers, comments, messages I receive with every post!! We are still on a long journey, however hopefully after everything gets fully figured out (sperm count, lack of follicles, low progesterone level this cycle, thin uterine lining, etc etc etc) we will be on our way to the start of a new journey!! I will keep you guys updated as we continue on. As of right now I am waiting on an appointment date and Brandon has to get another semen analysis done within the next 2 weeks...So you know what that means for us...No "lovey dovey" for a minimum of 3 and no longer than 5 days. (He better get on the ball before Valentines Day! Bahahahaha) So, keep the prayers coming!!
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