The past 6 weeks have been extremely hard for me. And I absolutely cannot stress how EXTREMELY emotional it has been as well. We had Easter with my family and then went to Brandon's parents to finish out the afternoon and see our Niece and 2 Nephews whom we never see very much (even though they live less than 20 minutes from us, but that story would take up a whole other blog). I absolutely LOVE spending time together as a family but this year was much different for me. I can't say why exactly because I can't pin point it myself but I wasn't feeling it. Maybe all of the hormone changes have something to do with it, I am not sure. I am short fused any way, but extreme short fuse would be considered the new normal for me lately. I just dont have the patience for anything or anyone. Especially when someone tells you how you should be feeling during all of this when they have never had to feel this way or go down this road in their own lives. Or when they have gone down this road, minus the actual Reproductive specialist visits (only GYN) but pretend like it never happened and their journey was a fluke...Come on!! I may not be excited to be on this journey but I am proud of it. It is nothing to be ashamed of AT ALL!! If I have learned anything at all during the last 5 years of Infertility struggles it is that there are more people going through it than you could ever imagine. I didn't realize this until recently ( well about a year or so ago ). We learn as we go on this road. But it makes me angry to see those that beat their struggles and refuse to admit to how they got where they are! God sent you on this journey for a specific reason. We may not know what that reason is, but we know there is a purpose. One day I will look bad and smile on all of the tears and terrible days I have had and will have in the coming months. But I find peace in knowing that when God promises something to us, He keeps His promises.
Wednesday April 10th, I had my Insulin Resistance follow up and got the pleasure of meeting another one of the Reproductive Specs in the office (Dr. P) whom I have come to LOVE so much! Since the past 4 weeks have been very troubling for me, right about the time she asked me how I was feeling and that she could tell on my face that something was not right...I immediately started to cry....and cry....and cry....and cry some more. For the 2 hours that we were in the office, I cried about an hour of it. But once I got it all out and Dr. P gave me a BIG reassuring hug, I felt so much better. She explained that how I feel is nothing but NORMAL (yes, normal..LOL) and that there will be many more days that I will feel this same way! I have lost all together 48 lbs since September 1st (GO ME!!). Although that is a great accomplishment, I still feel like it is just not enough. The weight is NOT the issue here but the more weight I lose the lower my insulin levels will stay and lower my testosterone levels will stay so that I will be able to actually carry a baby boy or girl past the first trimester. Right now, nothing has changed. My insulin levels are lower however, not low enough for the high risk of miscarriage to be lower (spoken with my worst sad face I could possibly make). Dr. P said that things are on the right track, no set backs, just need to keep moving forward with what I am doing now. She said that I could start looking into eating foods with a Glycemic index less than 20 (the normal for someone on a healthy diet is less than 40...Yes, mine is much lower) which means I could find some fruit that has a low glycemic index like berries (which by the way I was told to eat because they have great antioxidant properties as well as other health benefits). Dr. P also wants me to start going to an Infertility/Life Counselor. I think this will be beneficial too. They know how to interpret how I feel about it all since they specialize in patients who are dealing with Infertility issues. Holding it all in is not being beneficial and is causing way too much stress to build up and emotions to build up. So it needs to be addressed so I will be able to actually get pregnant to begin with. Cortisol is the hormone our body releases when we are stressed. Cortisol blocks all kinds of other hormones from actually doing what they are suppose to, like produce eggies!! And we sure enough, can't have that! So I think it is vital for this journey to stroll on in the best direction.
Other than that, we both ( Brandon and myself ) are to continue with the medication we are currently taking, no increase of anything (PTL cause I dont think I could handle an increase of any of it as bad as I feel just with my dosages now) and we will come back in 4 weeks (May 1st to be exact) to have an appointment with Dr. L, our actual Reproductive Spec. and we can decide then if IVF is still our only option (which as of today it is our ONLY option) or if we could attempt a natural plan (planned intercourse taking Ovulation stimulating meds) or attempt an Intra Uterine Insemination. Brandon wants to attempt a natural plan first to see if that will get us anywhere, but I am pushing more toward the IUI because there is a better chance of a pregnancy that way without doing IVF or just waiting on a positive pregnancy test at home. I know that God will be present in this decision and I must say I am excited to see how things work out at our next appointment. Hopefully, if all goes well, I will be able to stop my BC pills and start the ovulation stimulating meds for a May cycle ( praying praying praying ). We are pushing for a February or March baby so I pray that is in God's plan for us as well!
So, over the next 4 weeks we will be needing you all to pray for us!! God is working in this, we can definitely tell! It is still a long road ahead, but maybe not as long as we have already spent ( last week of July will mark 5 years we have been trying to conceive ). I am thankful for this journey and the lessons we are learning, the people that we have met and the FAITH we are growing through it all. Brandon and I are growing a bond like no other and such a stronger love for one another than we could've ever imagined. Our struggle is making us so much stronger than the average person! Thank you Lord for blessing us with so much already!
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