Today has been one of the hardest days and appointments we've had thus far on our journey with Dr. Lipari. I had my 4 week Insulin Resistance follow up, Brandon had another semen analysis and we had our plan of treatment appointment together (which I thought at one point wasn't gonna happen thanks to a mess up on the scheduling lady's part...long story).
The whole ride to Jacksonville this morning was emotional for me. Every time we have an appointment the ride is very emotional but today was much worse. I had high hopes for this appointment and I had a little something nagging at me that was saying "Do not get your hopes up, Kristie!! This may not be as great as you have planned!" I assume it was God's way of taking the edge off and attempting to make it less emotional but of course my heart was saying "Today is going to be a great day and a great appointment!" I now know why God was nagging at me to NOT get my hopes up because it was a disastrous appointment (or so I think) and with my hopes as high as I had them, it made it so much worse.
We arrived at 10:15am even with leaving our house at 8:45am, thank you Jacksonville morning traffic! From the reminder phone calls we got 3 days ago and the times I wrote down on my calendar, I was under the impression that Brandon had his appointment for his semen collection at 10:30am and my appointment at 11:30am would permit a good bit of time for them to give us a preliminary result on his total motile sperm count. Little did I know that it would most definitely not work that way, at all! They took us both back at 10:20 with me thinking that I was going with Brandon but actually they were taking me back for my appointment with Dr. Paschall, NOT Lipari because they had me scheduled for 10:20 with Dr. Paschall!!!! I immediately told the little nursing assistant that something was definitely wrong and told her about the times of our appointments and why we made them at those times. Well, the scheduling lady took it upon herself to ignore the big fat writing in our chart that Dr. Paschall wrote at our last appointment for us to have a "plan of treatment appointment with Dr. Lipari"!! Man was I one unhappy camper!! The poor nursing assistant did everything she could and finally figured out that I was not lying and it was their mess up. So I went my way to my appointment while Brandon did his semen collection for his analysis.
I have to say that I have come to truly LOVE Dr. Paschall and her caring, loving characteristics. She immediately came in the room and gave me the biggest hug and said that she will make sure that Dr. Lipari came in to see us for exactly the reason why we there and that she did. After my one and half hour appointment with her, Dr. Lipari came in to discuss what our options are. Little did I know that I would get news that I was NOT expecting by no means! Brandon's total motile sperm count went down....YES DOWN NOT UP!!! I cried and cried and cried because I had my hopes so high that we would get to go into our first cycle like as soon as Monday, but as I have stated many times, God plans are much better and He definitely has a plan, it is just the waiting part I am having a hard time with. Dr. Lipari said that I am doing fine, I just need to continue on the regimen I am taking now, sick and all! He said that right now our only option is to do an IVF cycle if we are looking to get pregnant like yesterday...But he wouldn't recommend that because the chances of pregnancy for us right now is only 2-5% with a 40% chance of miscarriage (which has come down from the 60% chance I had of miscarriage at our appointment 8 weeks ago). We are making improvements, little baby steps at a time, but it still doesn't make it sting any less when you hear that your husband has been taking meds for 8 weeks to increase his sperm count, then get the results and it has actually gone down about 2 million from last time. We have done everything by the book, I have even actually got Brandon wearing boxers and not briefs (after 20 something years of wearing briefs this is a huge deal) and I have got him to take cool showers and not the burning hot ones he used to take. He takes his meds on point each day he is supposed to....I just don't get it. Dr. Lipari said that he thinks that the reason is because we need to take action and treat his low testosterone levels as well as treating his low sperm count. That way we are actually taking care of an underlying cause for the sperm count being so low. So he prescribed B some HCG injections that I will of course have to give him 2 times a week for the next 6 weeks. It takes approximately 70 days for a male to make new sperm. So this will give us a close enough point to see if the HCG in combination with the Letrizol pills will work for him. Dr. Lipari is very optimistic and he sat with us for about an hour and 45 minutes going over every little detail and even told us some personal stories of the infertility roller coaster he and his wife also went down. He let me know that if I didn't feel like I do, he would be worried. Every emotion I am feeling is completely normal, even though sometimes I feel like a crazy person who needs to possibly be checked into Vista for 72 hours. Dr. Lipari said with a smile on his face "You WILL get pregnant sweetheart! It is a just a matter of working out the kinks for the best possible pregnancy we can give you!" and I am so thankful for an honest, caring Doctor who is NOT out to just go straight into IVF when it is possibly not going to be necessary if we just put our faith and hope into God's timing!! I agreed with Dr. Lipari and told him that no matter how bad I want to become a Mommy right now, I couldn't bare the thought of miscarriage if there is something I can do about it, so we are going to go for the injections and continue on the nutrition plan to keep my insulin under control.
I know that God is just adding to our testimony. I know His plans are so much bigger and better than any of the plans that Brandon and I have for our own lives. I have to really stay focused on God's bigger picture and not dwell in the pity of my own struggle and try to be optimistic (as hard as it will be...I am not the most positive person at this point). I told the Doctor today, while in tears, that I feel defeated. And as I said that to her I could see in the back of my mind, God hanging his head. I am sure He feels like I have lost faith in Him and at some point I could say that is true. But being a Christian is an every day job! God knows that we will have doubts and get in the dumps about stuff and that is when He works his miracles. He knows that is when we need Him the most!! Today I have thought a lot about this verse and I am so thankful and blessed to know that God's promises are NEVER broken promises.
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
As I close this post tonight, I am without a doubt sad and in a funky mood. It has been a hard day and I definitely did not get the news I had hoped for. But no matter how sad I am nor how funky I feel, I know deep down in my heart that God is with me through all of this. I just have to put my faith in Him.
I will go back in 4 weeks for another follow up to go over the lab work I had drawn today. Brandon will go back in 6 weeks for his next SA. Next week we will go back in for a "mixing and injection teaching" so that I can give Brandon this new medication. Please keep praying for us each day! I know our blessing is right around the corner!
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