Okay, so after Wednesday's ordeal with our "big fat negative" pregnancy test, I took it pretty hard...I just knew that with everything being so perfect, all of our tests being exactly where they need to be, the perfect situation with plenty of mature follicles, I just knew that we would get the positive test we have been dreaming of for so many years now...I was so wrong...And I questioned God on so many levels that day. I wanted to know why it is taking so long for us and what does He want us to do in order to make Him happy enough to give us our precious miracle....Even though I know we are NOT to ever question God...I did...
Wednesday night I went to bed feeling fine...I was really tired, considering the events of that day and I had a terrible headache...But otherwise I felt fine. About 4:30am I woke up covered in sweat and my heart was pounding out of my chest. I felt dizzy and lightheaded, nauseous and I just knew I was having a heart attack. I literally knew at that moment I was going to have a heart attack...I woke up Brandon after 3 failed attempts of checking my blood pressure (the machine would not register my BP because it was so high) and I told him to call who he needed too, but I am going to the ER. He called his parents so his Mom could check my pulse rate, since I was too shook up to do so and Brandon was too. She listened to my heart with her stethyscope and immediately knew something was not right. It was beating so fast it sounded like it was fluttering. Atrial Flutter...Not good....So off to the ER I went. I got to the ER around 5:30am and immediately they hooked me up to the EKG machine and after that it was pretty much all a blur for me...I remember about 10 people rushing in the room, putting IV's in both arms and telling me everything will be okay just to focus on my breathing. I heard one of the nurses say alot is about to happen really fast. I was having Tachycardia with a heart rate of 260 bpm....I was also in Atrial Fibrillation...Yes, the same exact heart arrythmia my husband had only 48 hours before. I was scared to death to say the least. After about 2 hours of them working on me and giving me so much medication via IV my heart rate was finally under 200...I was exhausted....My husband was white as the sheets I was laying on...He was scared to death...The ER doctor asked me if there was any way I could be pregnant...I told him no and of course how I knew that...He told me what I didn't want to hear but what I needed to hear....He told me that was a good thing...He said if this had happened early on in pregnancy there is a high chance of miscarriage due to the amount of medications they have to give in this case. One of the IV meds they gave actually stops the electrical conduction of heart and restarts it...That was scary! And hurt so bad. My chest felt like it was going to bust open. After a very long 48 hours, a lot prayer and more prayer, my heart went back into a normal sinus rhythm after an injection they gave me to hopefully convert it that way...Can I just say how amazing our God is? One of the nurses who was monitoring my heart while the injection was going through said if my heart did not convert back to normal sinus rhythm within 10 to 15 minutes, it was most likely it would not convert on its own. Well, my sweet little nurse in the PCU said she was gonna wait...I told her I wanted to wait also before she called the cardiologist and told him the results. Exactly 50 minutes later, my heart converted!!!! I layed in that bed and prayed and prayed so hard that it would work so I wouldn't have to be shocked back into rhythm the next morning....And it worked!!! After a whole day on Wednesday of me sitting and crying wanting to know why God doesn't hear my prayers for a baby....I know why!!!! Because God knew that if I had gotten some really amazing news, and been expecting a little miracle, then this happen with my heart and us lose our little miracle....I couldn't handle that! And God knew that! My mind thinks I am ready but God knows my heart couldn't handle it at that time. God isn't ready yet to make me a Mommy.
God gives us the answers to our prayers that we need....Not always the answers we want! And I am living proof of that. I need to make sure my heart is okay before we further this journey. My cardiologist said it could just be a one time thing. I pray that is true. It was one of the most scariest moments of my life. I really thought something terrible was going to happen to me. But God has his hands on me the whole time.
Moral of this story, NEVER QUESTION GOD!!! God sure showed up for Brandon and I this past week. I told my friend, after Wednesday's news I was so broken hearted. And I was...I am...But God knows this and he knows how to fix the broken hearted. Thank you all so much for your prayers for the both of us! Please continue to pray for us as we make our way on down this road of Infertility. I will not give up on my dreams of becoming a mother. I will not give up on my dreams of dirty diapers, spit up, late nights, early mornings, first words, first steps....I will not give up!! God showed us that there is nothing more important than us! Brandon and I love each other so much that our hearts beat the same for each other. Who else can say that!! We are important to God and if that means holding off on our wants for a little while to make sure we have what we need to live, then so be it. God is with us, every single step of the way. He shows us who means the most to him and who means the most to us. Throughout the week, we found out some stuff about our own families and who cares enough to show up when we need them most. Those that decide to put other things before family, will not be included in our journey or our lives for that matter. We are loving people. I may not be the nicest person, but everything I do and say comes from my heart and from a place where it means something. For those that took out a moment of their time to call, text or facebook message me with kind words, I appreciate you from the bottom of my heart, my broken heart. God will heal us all and give us what we pray for, but not a minute too soon! Only in His perfect timing!!
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