My blood pregnancy test is coming up soon (really soon...But I am not posting a date to give us our time with the results either way it goes)...I am trying to be cautiously optimistic because last month the big fat negative result really gave me a punch in the gut...I was so devastated. But just like I said last month, we take time to cry and grieve and be angry at our bodies for that time, then we wake up and get ready for the next cycle. I try to keep telling myself "There is always next month"! As hard as it is to fully understand it myself. But there is always next month.
I feel deep down that God is fixing to make some pretty amazing things happen in our lives. I am really excited and scared at the same time because I know exactly what it feels like to get my hopes shot down. I have done it every month for 5 years 2 months and 20 days. I have got my hopes up that just maybe, just maybe...This would be our month. That month came and went and here we are...Still no baby, yet!! But if I am pregnant, right now this very moment, I am 3 weeks and 5 days with our little miracle(s). And that makes me feel so excited!!!! It makes me feel excited there is a chance I may have 2 amazing little blessings growing inside me right now at this very moment. God is so good and He makes absolutely NO mistakes and I am thanking Him even in the darkest of days. Even in the days I feel that I will never get off this roller coaster called "Infertility". I saw a picture somewhere the other day that said "If Monday was a person, I would punch her in the face"...Well I feel that way about "Infertility"! If Infertility was a person, I would like to punch her in the face too!! But, you know, even though this has been one of the most difficult times of my life, had it not been for this journey there are so many things I would never have experienced...So many people I never would've met and gained beautiful friendships over and I never would've gotten so close to Jesus! I guess in our darkest of times, we realize that God is our only way out of the dark. God will bring us to the light, where all things are beautiful and where blessings and miracles happen when we just believe in Him! And believe in His timing! I am by no means a "perfect" Christian. I don't think anyone is. But I can tell you, I have let people into my life, my very personal life and personal details through this blog. I have exposed my life to you all. One thing someone will never call me is a Hypocrite. I lay it out there. And I am honest. This journey is NOT easy and it never will be for anyone. There are times when you will want to just absolutely give up. I have been there. More than once. And I can tell you, those moments will help you grow. They have helped me to understand that I, as an individual person, have no control over things like this. Even though I have a really hard just giving all of my troubles to God, I understand that I have no control over them. I pray for God to help me to give it all to Him. And let Him handle it. Especially in the coming days, I will need God just to handle it. To take my fear away and handle it!!
Please keep us in your prayers this week. I thank God for all of my readers and all of the prayers you all are sending up for us and our sweet little miracle(s) to be. I am firm believer in the power of prayer and I thank you all!!
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