Every year for the last, I'd say 6 years (since before Brandon and I got married), we would go shopping together for our family for Christmas. Every year as we go through all the sales ads for Black Friday, etc...We would sit and talk about how much awesome stuff we could get for our baby! And every year, as we go through those ads, we say this same line "Hopefully next year we will be buying for our very own baby and will get to add a new family ornament to our tree...". Little did we know all those years ago, 6 + years later we would still be saying that same line...
Over the past year, I would say this journey has taken its toll on me...I went into our first appointment with our new doctor January of this year and I just knew in my heart that I would be pregnant in a couple of months with his help. After going to a Specialist for more than 3 years that didn't want to help us, only wanted our money, I just knew that this was our answer to a long time prayer. I just knew that this year, Christmas was going to be so much different for us. Life as we knew it, would be so much different, I just knew it. I was giddy, excited, nervous...Now, almost 1 year later (with the new specialist) and I am not giddy, excited or nervous about anything. I am sad, worried and I catch myself feeling hopeless some days. And when the holidays come around, it makes it all the more sad for me...
Christmas was my Dad's favorite. He loved waking us up on Christmas morning. I think most Christmas mornings, my Dad was more excited than we kids were. Christmas is hard for me anyways, because I miss such a huge part of my life so very much that it kills me. I miss living at home and waking up Christmas morning with my family (mom, dad and brother). As I look back over the past years, so many things have changed in our life. So very many things. It really seems so unfair. There is no other way to explain it. I do believe that if some people only knew the struggles that I face, they would be a little more considerate...maybe a little more understanding. But for those that have never been smacked in the face by tragedy, after tragedy (literally 3 years apart), for those who have never dealt with infertility for more than 5 years, for those that have never walked a mile in my shoes....Its hard to be judgmental of my life.
I struggle on a daily basis to keep my faith up! I know and I believe from the bottom of my heart and soul that God loves me and God has a plan for me and Brandon. I truly believe that God is going to bless us far beyond measure. My biggest down fall is wondering "when" this will happen...I know that God is using me...He is truly using me and I feel it all the time. That alone is such a huge blessing to me.
As I sit and look at all of the beautiful new babies, new family Christmas pictures, Baby's first Christmas pictures, etc etc etc....I can't help but be so very sad...So very sad that yet another Christmas is passing by and we still do not have our precious little miracle...I can't help but be envious of everyone getting to enjoy the journey of motherhood, those that appreciate it anyways (not the ones who take advantage of it). It isn't just about getting to take Christmas pictures or shop for cute baby toys and clothes for Christmas...There is so much more to it. Christmas is a time for joy and happiness. A time to spend with family and celebrate the birth of Jesus. Growing up I can remember the excitement and pure joy of Christmas time. I do not feel that this year...It makes me sad because this is my favorite time of year and I want nothing more than to share the joy and magic of Christmas with our very own child. But, I know that God will get me through this. He will give me the desires of my heart, if I pray in His name and if I stay faithful, but only in His timing. I just really wish that His timing was now.
So, anyways...enough of the pity party. I must move on from another disappointing "plan" I had for myself last year this time. But, I will say it again...Hopefully and prayerfully, next Christmas season we will be celebrating the birth of Jesus and the birth of our precious miracle or miracles...We shall see!! For now I leave you with this bit of advice...
It is okay to feel sad. It is okay to cry and be angry. God knows that we are sad because our hearts are missing a piece of something we believe to be the one thing that will make us happy and whole! But really, if we all just remember that God loves us, and if we put our faith and hope in Him, we will be happy and whole. He truly loves us so much that He sent his only son to die for us. I mean honestly, what man do you know today, that will be crucified on a cross, beaten to almost unnoticeable, all because he wanted to make sure our sins are forever forgiven?? I can tell you, I know absolutely no man that would do that. Except Jesus!! Jesus died so that we can live happy, healthy, faith filled, Christ centered lives. All for us! And when we actually think it out loud like that, that my friends is unconditional love. I may want a baby so bad that it is killing me. And God wants that for me too. But not a moment too soon. All of the follicles I have had in the past, well, those were not my baby! Not one of those were God's choice for my little miracle. And I have to keep the faith and know that one day, God will give me the one and only thing I want in my life...pure joy of being a Mommy, pure unconditional love.I will look at that same TV monitor that I have looked at for almost 12 months now, and I will see our precious miracle finally! So, have your cry and feel sorry for yourself. Its okay. But get up, shake it off and smile. Thank God for the tears. They make you stronger...They make you who you are! And they are shaping your testimony! Love you all!
A little tidbit...I will go back to the Doctor next week. To decide on the date for our next IUI cycle. Since there are a lot of new medications being brought into the mix now, there are a lot more dates to plan out. They will also go over the results of my genetic testing...Please keep us in your prayers. We continually need them!
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