When will be God's time for us?

Over the past week, a lot has happened....Yesterday, my husband woke up and wasn't feeling well. He could tell his heart rate was extremely fast and not beating in a normal sinus rhythm so we immediately called his Cardiologist. They recommended he come in for an EKG immediately so off to Gainesville we went. Once we got there he was in Atrial Fibrillation. He went into A Fib back in June and they had to give his heart an electrical shock to put it back into normal rhythm. The Doctor that was available looked it over and came in not even 5 minutes later and told us he had already called over to the hospital and that Brandon needed to get over there immediately for another cardioversion. At this point, once again, both of us are scared. Of course Brandon was scared, he is 27 years old and having heart problems....Its scary at any age but we are too young for this right?? WRONG! Things like this know no boundaries.

We got to the ER and they checked him in, sent him back to the Interventional Observation Unit where they keep patients who undergo cardiac catherizations, stress tests, etc...A very nice, lady cardiologist came in and explained what she would be doing and that Brandon would have to be on some more medications to keep his heart in rhythm, hopefully. She said if it goes back out of rhythm again, we will need to consider other options such as a Cardiac Ablation, where they will go in and burn out a small part inside the heart where the arrhythmia is occurring. We are praying it will not get to this point. Please keep him in your prayers. He is feeling much better, a little tired and dizzy from the new medications they have him on. He will have to go back next week for another EKG to make sure everything is okay and then he will have a follow up with his cardiologist in the beginning of November.

Today....well....today was our pregnancy test....

The Intrauterine Insemination we did this month did not take. We are not pregnant....again....

I am heart broken to say the least. How much more can I take? I am trying so hard to keep all the faith in the world, and I do know that God will give me a baby in His time, but I can't help but question "When is God's time for us?" I know, I know...We are NOT to question God's perfect timing. Today, I have questioned a lot of things I shouldn't. I know that God has put me on this path for a reason. The last 5 years have been the hardest years of my whole life, so far... and I pray I never have to relive a single moment of them. I have been dealing with the death of my Daddy, being infertile and wanting a baby so bad it almost kills me....What more can I handle? God will not give us more than we can handle but as the saying goes, He is trusting me way too much....I really tried all month to not get my hopes up...And I thought I was doing a good job of it...until I got that dreaded phone call this afternoon and I completely lost it...It hit me so hard this month for some reason. I will make it through as I have every month for the last 5 years and 2 months. I will get through this with my husband right by my side, God in my heart and some amazing people God has placed in my life. People who are genuine and truly care about our situation and want this for us as much as we want it. People who feel the emotions right along with us. People who have and will be there for us the rest of this journey and long after this one is over and a new one begins. People who do not make excuses about not having time to call or come by and show concern due to work and other activities they plan that seem to be more important than family...(sorry had to throw that in there because this really gets to me). People that I am ever so grateful we have in our lives. I could never thank God enough for them and their friendships and their love and concern for us.

So, I will take time to process this. I will cry as I have all afternoon. I will question, but I know the answers are far beyond this world. The lesson I have learned this week is never take the ones you love for granted. I have been so caught up in our infertility and our IUI this month, I have over looked a lot things and my husband has been one of those things. As I have always said, God sometimes uses tragedy/sickness/etc...to make us see what is most important in life...To wake us up! This has been so clear to me. I am so thankful that God kept Brandon safe and healed his heart. I am so thankful that he is okay. I could never be able to live without him. He has been the love of my life for over 12 years now. He is my best friend and to see him sick tears me up. I love him so much and no matter how long we have been trying to have a family, nothing matters more than him being here to share our life together...Absolutely NOTHING!

We are scheduled to go back to meet with Dr. L about another route for this journey, something more aggressive. We will continue to pray that God will bless us with our little miracle and soon. We know that He will bless us. It is learning to be patient and just wait on Him that is the challenging part. I want to thank you all for praying for us. And for praying for Brandon. You are all apart of our journey and I appreciate the love and support. God is still good and God is still God. No matter the outcome of today, there is always another month. God will prevail in this for us. And for those of you on this journey too, He will get you there as well! Do not give up...As I have not. Keep going and just wait on the Lord.

Nerves...Oh Nerves...Will get the best of me yet!!!

Okay, so I know I said I would blog more often but I have a good excuse this time...Well, no I really dont have a good excuse this time. Anyways, I am blogging now and we have a very stressful time coming up for us and we really need your prayers.

My blood pregnancy test is coming up soon (really soon...But I am not posting a date to give us our time with the results either way it goes)...I am trying to be cautiously optimistic because last month the big fat negative result really gave me a punch in the gut...I was so devastated. But just like I said last month, we take time to cry and grieve and be angry at our bodies for that time, then we wake up and get ready for the next cycle. I try to keep telling myself  "There is always next month"! As hard as it is to fully understand it myself. But there is always next month.

I feel deep down that God is fixing to make some pretty amazing things happen in our lives. I am really excited and scared at the same time because I know exactly what it feels like to get my hopes shot down. I have done it every month for 5 years 2 months and 20 days. I have got my hopes up that just maybe, just maybe...This would be our month. That month came and went and here we are...Still no baby, yet!! But if I am pregnant, right now this very moment, I am 3 weeks and 5 days with our little miracle(s). And that makes me feel so excited!!!! It makes me feel excited there is a chance I may have 2 amazing little blessings growing inside me right now at this very moment. God is so good and He makes absolutely NO mistakes and I am thanking Him even in the darkest of days. Even in the days I feel that I will never get off this roller coaster called "Infertility". I saw a picture somewhere the other day that said "If Monday was a person, I would punch her in the face"...Well I feel that way about "Infertility"! If Infertility was a person, I would like to punch her in the face too!! But, you know, even though this has been one of the most difficult times of my life, had it not been for this journey there are so many things I would never have experienced...So many people I never would've met and gained beautiful friendships over and I never would've gotten so close to Jesus! I guess in our darkest of times, we realize that God is our only way out of the dark. God will bring us to the light, where all things are beautiful and where blessings and miracles happen when we just believe in Him! And believe in His timing! I am by no means a "perfect" Christian. I don't think anyone is. But I can tell you, I have let people into my life, my very personal life and personal details through this blog. I have exposed my life to you all. One thing someone will never call me is a Hypocrite. I lay it out there. And I am honest. This journey is NOT easy and it never will be for anyone. There are times when you will want to just absolutely give up. I have been there. More than once. And I can tell you, those moments will help you grow. They have helped me to understand that I, as an individual person, have no control over things like this. Even though I have a really hard just giving all of my troubles to God, I understand that I have no control over them. I pray for God to help me to give it all to Him. And let Him handle it. Especially in the coming days, I will need God just to handle it. To take my fear away and handle it!!

Please keep us in your prayers this week. I thank God for all of my readers and all of the prayers you all are sending up for us and our sweet little miracle(s) to be. I am firm believer in the power of prayer and I thank you all!!

And now we wait!

Well, the past couple of days have been some of the most challenging so far. I am more than thankful for each day we get to further our journey and learn more about this process and what we have to look forward too. However, I am so glad this cycle is over for now. It has been difficult for me, medically.

Monday I went for an ultrasound to see exactly how big my follicles were. I had one 20mm and one 12mm and a few others that were around 10mm. I was so thankful for that because last month my biggest follicle was an 18mm. However, Monday night, Brandon and I prayed together, that on Tuesday everything would go smooth and if it was in His will, that the other follicle would grow to an 18 or a 20! Well, I must say that from experience, our God is a BIG God and he does answer prayers. When we got to the office yesterday afternoon, I told the nurse that I had been having a lot of pain in my lower abdomen, alot of nausea and dizziness only since yesterday morning. I had been having some discomfort for about a week now but that is only due to my ovaries getting bigger with the growth of the follicles. Well, to be on the safe side, one of our favorite ARNP's, Susan, wanted to do an ultrasound to make sure there wasn't something going on before they did our first IUI. Well, the follicle on my left ovary that was 12mm on Monday had grown to over 20mm!!!!!!!!!!!!! Did I say that our God is so very good???!!!!!!!! Such an answered prayer!! The only problem was, I had developed Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome....This is from my ovaries being so enlarged and the fact that I had many folllicles this month. Fluid accumulates in the abdomen and can potentially move to the chest area if not monitored. I have a little bit of fluid in my lower abdomen, therefore I am now on bed rest, light bed rest...I can get up and walk around a little bit in order to keep blood from clotting. I am so thankful this was found and is being monitored.

On another good note, when the embryologist came in to see us yesterday, she said that they were able to get 3 million sperm after they washed them!!! Which is a fantastic number considering there was only a 2 day gap between the collection and our last planned intercourse date. So yet, another answered prayer!!! God has been and still is so so good!!!

Today was our final insemination. Due to me not feeling so great, I now have some pain medication and some anti nausea medication. Which I am so thankful for. The embryologist was able to get 2.8 million sperm after the wash today! YAY! So, now we are back in the waiting game. I will not be posting the date for our pregnancy test, due to the fact I had so many messages last month and due to the emotional side of this day, I feel I just need to let it be a family thing! Once we get a positive test, I have big plans for a pregnancy announcement so the more secretive I can be the better!! After all, my husband and my family and I have waited for a positive pregnancy test for 5 years, 2 months and 12 days!! This will be the most joyful time of our lives and I do believe that our family should get to celebrate with us before we announce our fantastic news to the rest of our friends! Now, I am not saying that it will be positive but I have faith that God is going to bless us this month! And within the next 2 weeks, we will know whether it is God's time for us! I am so excited to see what is in store for us!

Please keep us in your prayers! Please pray that this Hyperstimulation syndrome will take care of itself and not turn into something more serious. God is so good and we are a great example of God's work! Look how far we have come on this journey! Look how far prayer and faith has gotten us! I am so grateful!! Absolutely so very grateful! We have gained friendships that will last a lifetime just by sharing our journey and we are helping others on their journey as well! God places us in the right place at the right time but it is up to us to do His work! Thank you for your thoughts and prayers! Keep them coming!! Love you all!

Follies, Follies and more Follies!!

On Wednesday this week we had our first appointment of this cycle with the ARNP at Dr. L's office, Susan. I absolutely couldn't have ever prayed for a better group of Doctors and ARNP's. They are all amazing. We had 8 follicles maturing (my amazing husband said I am preparing for the Easter Bunny LOL). 6 on my left ovary and 2 on my right ovary, which is a lot more than last months. Last month we had about 12 total but there were a lot of 8mm and 7mm sizes last month which ended up resulting in one 18mm, one 17mm and a 12mm (if I remember exactly right). Usually 20-22mm is ideal so last month they weren't ideal but they still released and of course as you all know, we got a "big FAT negative".

We went back again today to see all of the little follies and we have one 15mm, 12mm, 10mm and a couple 8mm. She said I would most likely end up with 3 matured for the IUI procedures on Tuesday and Wednesday this coming week. We will see for sure on Monday when we return back for our final ultrasound before the IUI's to see exactly what we are working with this month. I know that God has this and we will have great results. I can just feel it.


 I always promised to be honest and open about everything involving my Infertility Journey and that is what I am doing. This blog portrays 100% exactly how I feel! God didn't skimp when he gave me honesty and openness! That is for sure. I just hope you all understand the point of this blog. To open the eyes of those that have no idea about Infertility and the treatment process. To help those going through Infertility better understand what is happening to them and their bodies and why they feel the way they do emotionally. The number one reason and purpose of this blog is to let everyone know, that no matter what life throws at us, even infertility, God will get us to destination Motherhood! GOD WILL GET US THERE!!! Whether through IVF, IUI, adoption...What ever it may be, if God gives us the desire to be a Mother, he will not tantalize us! He will make us Mommies (thank you Sarah)!! I want to show everyone that even the average person, like myself, not raised in church, never a real "faithful" person prior to getting saved in April 2010, can lean on God and can be faithful even in the hardest of times. It is by no means easy. I can honestly say, I get down and out sometimes but only for a moment. The next day starts a new day and out with the tears, out with the sadness and worry and on with the positivity and progression!! I love being able to say that God is the only one that has helped me get through all I have been dealt in the past 5 years. My husband has been the next best thing of course but God and his promises has gotten me here! Exactly where I am right now. I am able to share our journey with you all in total confidence and with total and complete honesty! I read on another blog I follow about an Infertile couple, that once you are able to share your story, you are starting to heal from it. I do believe that. We have traveled this road for quite sometime now and of course I still get frustrated with the "wait" and I still get discouraged but that is okay. We all get that way sometimes. I would seem to think we wouldn't be human if we weren't upset, frustrated, discouraged only for a moment when things do not go our way. But, as I have said, it is only for a time. We pick ourselves back up and keep moving. That is the part of true healing and being content with the way things are moving along. Ever since we started going to Dr. L and his staff, I must say I felt content that he would help us fix the problems and make me a Mommy. And he is doing just that. We are just waiting now for God to bless us with our little miracle. Our true miracle child that we never thought we would have or hold. God is good and will prevail in our situation. If you are going through this same thing, DO NOT GIVE UP HOPE! You have alot of support and there are so many in your shoes. Just keep the faith and pray to our God every chance you get! He hears our prayers and He will give us all the desires of our hearts! I love you all and I am so thankful for all of my readers. It keeps me going to know that I have so many following us and praying for us on this journey! It is humbling to know when I have helped someone on their own journey to Motherhood. And I can only thank God for all of this!

Until next time, keep praying for us!! Our procedure for the IUI is scheduled for Tuesday and Wednesday. Pray for growing little follicles!! We need them to get to 20mm!!

Another day in infertile paradise

Good afternoon to all of my amazing readers! As I sit here today typing my latest blog post, I can't help but feel excited, overwhelmed, faithful, fearful, worrisome, loved, super duper blessed and extremely stressed!! Yes, I think I too, should be checked into a hospital for a bit with all of those emotions but you know, the Ultimate Physician (mind, body and spirit healer) has my back!!! I just know He does! And like everyday, today is a brand new day!!

And the start to another cycle for us!! I will be taking a home pregnancy test in the morning to make sure I am either pregnant or not before I take (10) pills tomorrow to jump start the follicle growing process!!! I can sit here right now and remember how excited I was last cycle when we started the follicle growing process....Ahhh....It seems like yesterday but its already been almost 2 months ago now...Time flies when your either stressed out to the max or having fun!! I have had a little bit of both of those going on lately! More stress though! Man, the stress of going through these cycles is a lot but I keep seeing a dear friend of mine posting all of her baby girl's pics and I can't help but feel so optimistic that God has amazing plans for me and Brandon! AH-Mazing plans!!! I can just feel it!

A few posts ago I blogged about lessons I have learned. Well, every day I learn a new lesson to be honest but today I learned to NEVER underestimate the power of prayer and believing in Jesus!! There has been a lot on my mind for quite some time now and I finally decided to just let it go and let God handle it. I was once told that if I have no control over it, then just let God control it! He has all of the control in the world. And because He loves me so much, He wants to take care of my problems and He wants me to just let Him have them all!! I spent a few hours this past Sunday with my Great Grandmother who is 92 years old. She has always been a big part of my life ever since I was born. I always love hearing all of the old stories of when my Dad was little and all the trips they went on when my Great Grandfather was alive. He has been passed away now for 34 years and my Granny has lived alone and in the same home they built together for all of these years. Never remarried, never dated another man...nothing. She lost a daughter when she was a teenager in a terrible accident when a train hit their car. She has lost all of her grandchildren and her husband as well. At 92, she told me that the only way to get through the difficult times in your life, is to just tell the Lord, "Lord, I can't deal with this on my own. I really need your help. I am giving it all to you" I think this is some of the best advice I have gotten from her. And right at the perfect time when I needed to hear that the most. With all of the sadness, grief, death, stress etc....I have dealt with in my life, and now the infertility journey we have been placed on too for the past 5 years, I can honestly say, that my only option is to let God handle it. It is all out of my control! There was nothing I could do about my Dad getting killed. There is and wasn't anything I could do about being infertile. The Doctors had to help me and Brandon figure it all out. We couldn't have done that part on our own. Of course we have had to put in effort as well. After all, God will only help those that can also help themselves. Even though He can do all of the work, doesn't mean He will. We have to put in a little bit of effort to show God that we really want this or that to happen and we are willing to do whatever we have to in order for it to happen.

So, for now as always, we wait to see the follicles grow!!! I go back to Dr. L on October 2nd and October 4th for ultrasounds of my little follicles to see how big they are! I pray they really grow and that there are lots of them! The more there are that are big enough, the better chance of conception. But as always, anything is possible when our God is involved!! And if it is not His time for us, this will not happen this month and I understand that. But I am being optimistic!! After all, God wants us to be happy and positive! Not sad or worried and all negative Nelly's! Stay tuned for more updates as we board the ship IUI! We are fixing to set sail! Starting tomorrow of course! Please be in prayer for us!! We always need your prayers! I hope and pray that maybe just one of you that read this blog, will figure out that Jesus is the only way! Especially with the Infertility journey we are on together! Let go and let God handle it!! He's got this!!

Never giving up!

So, today I went for my first ultrasound of this IUI cycle and it was a fantastic appointment. I had absolutely NO cysts which is such a blessing! Last month I had 2 but luckily they did not cause us to have to postpone our cycle as they were not producing a large quantity of Estrodol. So this was such an answered prayer!!

 God has been so good to us and we are so undeserving of it. After the BFN (big fat negative) pregnancy test from the cycle last month, I was very down and very close to losing faith. Then something amazing happened and I felt like I had a ton of bricks lifted off of my chest the very next day after we got the call. I knew it was God's way of saying "Okay sweetie! It is time to move on. Its a new day and the start of another cycle for you." I was dwelling so much on the BFN that I wasn't praising God for the big fat positive's He had placed in our lives throughout that cycle month. I had no idea going in to that cycle whether or not I would even ovulate. I had no idea if I would respond to the medication. Well, I did both!! I responded so well to the medication and ovulated perfectly. The Dr. told us today that we have a textbook situation and everything is perfect for conception. That my friends, is a major BLESSING!!

We signed all of our consents today which made it so real that this cycle will be much different from the last one and the fact that what I have prayed for, for so very long is here. For those of you who have absolutely NO idea what an IUI is...It is Intra-Uterine-Insemination. Brandon will have to do a sperm collection and the lab will wash it and get rid of the "liquid" then inject the sperm really close to my fallopian tubes right at the time of ovulation, with a very flexible, long syringe. There is a much better chance of conception due to the fact, the sperm is right there where they need to be. It works well in most all couples that respond well to the medications but I have a tilted Uterus so there is a big chance that the sperm do not make it up far enough to the right place when doing timed intercourse. So, this is our choice. I am not ashamed or embarrassed of choosing to do something more aggressive in order to have my dream come true. Mother's will do anything in the world for their children, and I see this as nothing less. I will do whatever I must do, in order to become a mother. God puts these opportunities in our lives for a specific reason. Sometimes, we just need help and Doctors are God's helpers. Dr. Lipari is a God sent for us and I am ever so grateful for how far we have come since our first appointment with him.

For now, I will take my last birth control pill on Saturday and have a period sometime next week. Then next Friday I will do a home pregnancy test to ensure that I am not pregnant before we proceed with the medications. Next Saturday I will take ALL of my oral medication then that following week we start the every other day Ultrasounds until we get these Follie's big enough to do the IUI! Last night I was not very excited..I must say I was pretty down about this whole process. I think I really got my hopes up too high last month and was let down hard when it was negative. So, as a defense mechanism, my heart is not letting me get too much into this cycle. But I am slowly getting a little more excited about the coming weeks. I cannot wait to get the call that we have a BIG FAT POSITIVE test and then getting to see our baby on ultrasound for the first time not long after that call! I cannot wait! But as we all know, everything is in God's perfect timing, not ours. And believe me, His time will be the absolute PERFECT time!! Thank you all for the encouragement and for taking time out to read my posts each time. I hope and pray that maybe this blog will open the eyes of those that do not know what it is like to be in the shoes of those that are going through Infertility issues. I pray it will help someone that is going through it, to better understand some of the things that they are going through. I pray it will be a vessel for God's work and a way for God to bring even just one person to Christ! I am so thankful for this opportunity and for the fact that I am able to share our story with you all!! Keep praying guys!!! We still need every single prayer we can get!!

Lessons learned, Part 1

I think if anything, over the past couple of months I have learned quite a few valuable lessons. I believe that this is all apart of this journey for us. It is a really big learning experience and the lessons are to be used during our every day lives.

•   I have learned that plans never work! Do not make plans and stick to them, because most likely they will not happen exactly how you planned. Just go with the flow. 
•  Do not trust anyone. Love them? Why yes, of course because that is what God wants us to do is love our brothers and sisters and do not harm them. But trust is something you must be worthy of and just to be on the safe side, always have your guard half way up and half way down. I have learned this will keep you from falling too far when you have trusted and been betrayed. 
• Never say never. I never imagined 6 years ago that I would be where I am today. I never imagined I would want to be a Mother and not be able to get pregnant on my own. I never thought this would happen to me. But I quickly learned to never say never. Anything that could possibly happen in this world, CAN happen to you. Nothing makes you exempt from any of life's trials and tribulations. 
• Do what makes you happy!! This is a big one for me because for the past couple of years I have done things to make everyone else happy. I put things on hold to make others needs be met before my own.  I didn't take very good care of myself and didn't want to lose my job, so I let my blood pressure issue go until I knew that my health is more important and could not be put on hold any longer. After all, my blood pressure issue is what put our cycle on hold for 2 months until it got under control. I made the decision last week to put all the negative things behind me and negative people behind me, so I quit my job and I am happier than I have been in a long while. Do what makes you happy. It may not mean quitting your job, maybe just find another one that will make you happy. Be around people that make you happy. People you dont have to explain yourself too. People that matter in your life!  Happy Happy Happy!!
• Put God first and everything else will fall into place. This could not be more true. I was not raised in church at all. I would occassionally go with my great grandmother to a small church in my home town where maybe 20 members resided. I never read the bible and was never showed that God was the reason for everything around me. God created everything. The Heavens and the Earth. I was never showed that God wants me to live for Him and as long as I have Him in my earthly life, I will have an eternal life in Heaven. Being on this journey, being faithful has not always been so easy and I am tested on a daily basis. However, I have learned that by putting God first, all else will fall in to its appropriate place at just the right time. God's time that is!
• Cry when you need to!!! Yes, I have learned that crying is okay and is a part of life. Cry when you need to. Even if you are in a public place. Emotions make you a true person. People who show no emotion are not alive in side. I can sit and cry for 20 minutes then feel like a new person after. Cry it out then move on. Never forget but do not dwell on whatever it may be that has made you cry. Give it to God. He wants to take on all of our burdens, our sorrows. 
• Lean on the ones you love. Without my amazing husband and my family, I would not be where I am today. When I first started going to church and doing right, of course I would slip and be angry and say things that were not very nice. I got a lot of criticism about being a hypocrite because I went to church on Sundays and tried to do right but had set backs in my walk with Jesus. I would slip up and say a curse word when something didn't go my way or I would get into an argument with my husband or someone else in my family. It is perfectly okay as long as you know you were wrong and you learn from it, ask for forgiveness because our God is so forgiving, then move forward. I lean on those that I love to keep me going on my journey, both with Christ and in trying to become a mother. 
• You are not better than anyone! I would be the first to judge someone that didn't dress appropriately to a function or dress appropriately in general. I was the first to make fun of people.  I was raised that when you go out somewhere, you shower and you look decent (clean clothes, good hygiene, brush your hair). Some people do not care about those things. Or do not have the means to have new clothes, water to shower or soap to clean themselves with, even a hair brush to comb their hair. Some are not fortunate. I have to stop and remember that God wants us to be servants to those people. Help one another. I am hesitant and learning at this still because I am not used to offering a helping hand to someone that has no desire to help themselves, but I have to learn to do it. It is what God would want me to do. Jesus did not see the dirty clothes, the oily hair/skin or the tangled hair. He did not smell the stinch of body odor from an unclean person. He didn't care. We are all the same in God's eyes so it did not matter to him what we look like or smell like. It is how we act that matters the most. The things we do in this life. 
•  Do not wait to do anything! Do not wait to tell someone you love them. Do not wait to give a hug or a kiss to those you love. Do not wait until the "time is right" or "things get better". There is no better time for anything than "NOW"!! I was one that always said I would wait to have children when the time was right and my husband I were settled and right where we wanted to be in life. I was the first to say that I wanted to be "set" before I had babies so I could give them everything they ever dreamed of. Well, like I said first, never make plans because our plans and God's plans for our lives are much different. This has been a huge lesson for me!! Now is the best time for everything!!

Well, I hope that my lessons I have shared today will help one person change their life. Being a happy and stress free person while trying to conceive is a very important component. Stress makes your body produce cortisol which can prevent your body from ovulating. So, don't worry be "happy, happy, happy!!!" (said in my best Papaw Phil voice)