Yet another disappointment...

You read it right...ANOTHER disappointment on this lonely, winding road of Infertility. Here's recap of the past couple of weeks...

• After the last appointment with Dr. L, I was pretty upset and not being very faithful at that point. With Brandon's sperm count decreasing instead of increasing as we had hoped and prayed, I had really started to look out into a cloudy haze. At this point, I feel helpless and hopeful all at the same time. I can't loose hope nor faith in God, even though it is so hard to keep up right now. 
• Wednesday May 15th we started B's new HCG injections for his borderline low testosterone levels and to boost his sperm count. It was rather interesting giving someone that is frantically scared of needles, an injection, even though the needles are small and the pain minimal (or at least I would think so..I was very gentle!!)  he still thought I was diving into him with a knife. But he then realized it wasn't that bad after all and now we are fixing to be on injection #3 (tomorrow) and he took the last one like a true champ! I keep telling him he is definitely taking one for the "team"!! Ha ha!
• For about 3 weeks now I have had this super nagging and painful headache that no matter how much Tylenol or Aleve I take, it will NOT go away!! Turns out, I am assuming from the stress of numerous things, my BP is sky high. Needless to say I had hurt long enough and last Wednesday I went to the Doctor and got no help. My BP was 198/102 and before I left the office it has decreased to 158/102 which is still not good. I contacted Dr. L's office to ask about the meds he was to start me on to help with ovulation so we can "try" while Brandon is on the injections. As Dr. L had said in our last visit "If it happens, it happens!" Needless to say that my call to his office did not end well, as I definitely did NOT get the news I was hoping for once again. Our care coordinator said that Dr. L is not going to do any more treatment until my BP is completely under control and he has a letter from my Primary Care Provider stating I am cleared to do fertility treatments! After I hung up that phone call I had a terrible knot in my stomach that has yet to go away. But, this leads up to today and me finding a new Primary Care Physician because the old D.O I was going to...Well, I wont go there but thanks to her not doing anything about my BP, I am now on fertility restriction...

Today I had my first appointment with Beth...She is Dr. Kaye's ARNP but let me tell you...She is the most knowledgeable and likable person I have been to this far in our TTC journey (besides Dr. L and his staff, of course). We talked about our fertility journey and where we stood on that ground and we discussed possible causes of my terrible headaches and BP spikes. She is concerned with my kidneys and the blood flow I may or may not be receiving to them. That is a big cause of high BP and since I was diagnosed at 17 with hypertension and never had a BP workup other than just throwing medication at me, it was time to do so and check out my kidneys. I explained the extreme nausea and dizziness which could be from my high BP but also if there is a problem with my kidneys, depending on what the problem may be, I could be getting the nausea and dizziness from that. She did an EKG which checked out perfect, praise the Lord! I went this afternoon and had a full renal ultrasound and renal Doppler to check the peak flow of the arteries and veins coming to and from my kidneys. I am a little nervous about it but what ever happens will happen. Everything is meant to add to our testimony! I also have to do a 24 hour urine analysis to check numerous things that could cause my BP to increase. I am not looking forward to that since it requires me to stay home for 24 hours but hey...That means some rest time!!

I was suppose to go back to Dr. P for my IR follow up next Wednesday but I am not sure if that will be possible if I don't get cleared by then from Dr. Kaye. I pray I will but I also pray that they find whatever is causing my BP to go so extremely high and fix that problem. Pregnancy will be hard enough with high BP much less to have it uncontrolled prior and that means it will just be much worse and could cause terrible issues during pregnancy. And the Lord knows that is the very last thing I ever want. If I can get it fixed before our miracle happens, then I will do everything in my power, EVERYTHING, to get it fixed to ensure that myself and our little miracle will be A-okay! So for now, we just wait...Once again! Please keep me in your prayers and pray that they will find out what is causing this issue. Thanks a bunch!!

To add a side note...tomorrow May 22, will be 5 years since my Dad lost his life in a horrible accident. Since that time, my life and my family's life has not been the same and never will be. I could never express in words how much I miss my Dad and his laugh. I miss Sunday dinner at my Mom's, cause anyone that knew my Dad, knew he LOVED to eat and he loved Sunday dinners. I can't believe it has been 5 years already and I still grieve for him the same as the day we lost him. The only difference is I have learned how to better handle my grief, how to live with it, as it not so fresh and new anymore. It will never get better, it will only make us more numb to the pain of how much we miss him and wish to hug him and tell him how much we love him. He is gone from this life, but is living a much better, care free life with Jesus! And I will be happy to see him on the other side of this world, when that time comes! Rest in Peace Dad! You are gone but never ever forgotten!

God's plan is better than our plan

Today has been one of the hardest days and appointments we've had thus far on our journey with Dr. Lipari. I had my 4 week Insulin Resistance follow up, Brandon had another semen analysis and we had our plan of treatment appointment together (which I thought at one point wasn't gonna happen thanks to a mess up on the scheduling lady's part...long story).

The whole ride to Jacksonville this morning was emotional for me. Every time we have an appointment the ride is very emotional but today was much worse. I had high hopes for this appointment and I had a little something nagging at me that was saying "Do not get your hopes up, Kristie!! This may not be as great as you have planned!" I assume it was God's way of taking the edge off and attempting to make it less emotional but of course my heart was saying "Today is going to be a great day and a great appointment!" I now know why God was nagging at me to NOT get my hopes up because it was a disastrous appointment (or so I think) and with my hopes as high as I had them, it made it so much worse.

We arrived at 10:15am even with leaving our house at 8:45am, thank you Jacksonville morning traffic! From the reminder phone calls we got 3 days ago and the times I wrote down on my calendar, I was under the impression that Brandon had his appointment for his semen collection at 10:30am and my appointment at 11:30am would permit a good bit of time for them to give us a preliminary result on his total motile sperm count. Little did I know that it would most definitely not work that way, at all! They took us both back at 10:20 with me thinking that I was going with Brandon but actually they were taking me back for my appointment with Dr. Paschall, NOT Lipari because they had me scheduled for 10:20 with Dr. Paschall!!!! I immediately told the little nursing assistant that something was definitely wrong and told her about the times of our appointments and why we made them at those times. Well, the scheduling lady took it upon herself to ignore the big fat writing in our chart that Dr. Paschall wrote at our last appointment for us to have a "plan of treatment appointment with Dr. Lipari"!! Man was I one unhappy camper!! The poor nursing assistant did everything she could and finally figured out that I was not lying and it was their mess up. So I went my way to my appointment while Brandon did his semen collection for his analysis.

I have to say that I have come to truly LOVE Dr. Paschall and her caring, loving characteristics. She immediately came in the room and gave me the biggest hug and said that she will make sure that Dr. Lipari came in to see us for exactly the reason why we there and that she did. After my one and half hour appointment with her, Dr. Lipari came in to discuss what our options are. Little did I know that I would get news that I was NOT expecting by no means! Brandon's total motile sperm count went down....YES DOWN NOT UP!!! I cried and cried and cried because I had my hopes so high that we would get to go into our first cycle like as soon as Monday, but as I have stated many times, God plans are much better and He definitely has a plan, it is just the waiting part I am having a hard time with. Dr. Lipari said that I am doing fine, I just need to continue on the regimen I am taking now, sick and all! He said that right now our only option is to do an IVF cycle if we are looking to get pregnant like yesterday...But he wouldn't recommend that because the chances of pregnancy for us right now is only 2-5% with a 40% chance of miscarriage (which has come down from the 60% chance I had of miscarriage at our appointment 8 weeks ago). We are making improvements, little baby steps at a time, but it still doesn't make it sting any less when you hear that your husband has been taking meds for 8 weeks to increase his sperm count, then get the results and it has actually gone down about 2 million from last time. We have done everything by the book, I have even actually got Brandon wearing boxers and not briefs (after 20 something years of wearing briefs this is a huge deal) and I have got him to take cool showers and not the burning hot ones he used to take. He takes his meds on point each day he is supposed to....I just don't get it. Dr. Lipari said that he thinks that the reason is because we need to take action and treat his low testosterone levels as well as treating his low sperm count. That way we are actually taking care of an underlying cause for the sperm count being so low. So he prescribed B some HCG injections that I will of course have to give him 2 times a week for the next 6 weeks. It takes approximately 70 days for a male to make new sperm. So this will give us a close enough point to see if the HCG in combination with the Letrizol pills will work for him. Dr. Lipari is very optimistic and he sat with us for about an hour and 45 minutes going over every little detail and even told us some personal stories of the infertility roller coaster he and his wife also went down. He let me know that if I didn't feel like I do, he would be worried. Every emotion I am feeling is completely normal, even though sometimes I feel like a crazy person who needs to possibly be checked into Vista for 72 hours. Dr. Lipari said with a smile on his face "You WILL get pregnant sweetheart! It is a just a matter of working out the kinks for the best possible pregnancy we can give you!" and I am so thankful for an honest, caring Doctor who is NOT out to just go straight into IVF when it is possibly not going to be necessary if we just put our faith and hope into God's timing!! I agreed with Dr. Lipari and told him that no matter how bad I want to become a Mommy right now, I couldn't bare the thought of miscarriage if there is something I can do about it, so we are going to go for the injections and continue on the nutrition plan to keep my insulin under control.

I know that God is just adding to our testimony. I know His plans are so much bigger and better than any of the plans that Brandon and I have for our own lives. I have to really stay focused on God's bigger picture and not dwell in the pity of my own struggle and try to be optimistic (as hard as it will be...I am not the most positive person at this point). I told the Doctor today, while in tears, that I feel defeated. And as I said that to her I could see in the back of my mind, God hanging his head. I am sure He feels like I have lost faith in Him and at some point I could say that is true. But being a Christian is an every day job! God knows that we will have doubts and get in the dumps about stuff and that is when He works his miracles. He knows that is when we need Him the most!! Today I have thought a lot about this verse and I am so thankful and blessed to know that God's promises are NEVER broken promises.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11


As I close this post tonight, I am without a doubt sad and in a funky mood. It has been a hard day and I definitely did not get the news I had hoped for. But no matter how sad I am nor how funky I feel, I know deep down in my heart that God is with me through all of this. I just have to put my faith in Him.

I will go back in 4 weeks for another follow up to go over the lab work I had drawn today. Brandon will go back in 6 weeks for his next SA. Next week we will go back in for a "mixing and injection teaching" so that I can give Brandon this new medication. Please keep praying for us each day! I know our blessing is right around the corner!

It's been way too long but here is an update!!

Well guys, I am sorry it has been FOREVER since my last post but I must say I took alot of time to think and "try" to get some things in my mind situated. I have to say that this Journey has been and is continuing to be one of the hardest, most depressing, roller coaster rides I have ever been on. And at this point, I feel like I am the only one on it, while I know there are so many others that are on it too right along with me.

The past 6 weeks have been extremely hard for me. And I absolutely cannot stress how EXTREMELY emotional it has been as well. We had Easter with my family and then went to Brandon's parents to finish out the afternoon and see our Niece and 2 Nephews whom we never see very much (even though they live less than 20 minutes from us, but that story would take up a whole other blog). I absolutely LOVE spending time together as a family but this year was much different for me. I can't say why exactly because I can't pin point it myself but I wasn't feeling it. Maybe all of the hormone changes have something to do with it, I am not sure. I am short fused any way, but extreme short fuse would be considered the new normal for me lately. I just dont have the patience for anything or anyone. Especially when someone tells you how you should be feeling during all of this when they have never had to feel this way or go down this road in their own lives. Or when they have gone down this road, minus the actual Reproductive specialist visits (only GYN) but pretend like it never happened and their journey was a fluke...Come on!! I may not be excited to be on this journey but I am proud of it. It is nothing to be ashamed of AT ALL!! If I have learned anything at all during the last 5 years of Infertility struggles it is that there are more people going through it than you could ever imagine. I didn't realize this until recently ( well about a year or so ago ). We learn as we go on this road. But it makes me angry to see those that beat their struggles and refuse to admit to how they got where they are! God sent you on this journey for a specific reason. We may not know what that reason is, but we know there is a purpose. One day I will look bad and smile on all of the tears and terrible days I have had and will have in the coming months. But I find peace in knowing that when God promises something to us, He keeps His promises.

Wednesday April 10th, I had my Insulin Resistance follow up and got the pleasure of meeting another one of the Reproductive Specs in the office (Dr. P) whom I have come to LOVE so much! Since the past 4 weeks have been very troubling for me, right about the time she asked me how I was feeling and that she could tell on my face that something was not right...I immediately started to cry....and cry....and cry....and cry some more. For the 2 hours that we were in the office, I cried about an hour of it. But once I got it all out and Dr. P gave me a BIG reassuring hug, I felt so much better. She explained that how I feel is nothing but NORMAL (yes, normal..LOL) and that there will be many more days that I will feel this same way! I have lost all together 48 lbs since September 1st (GO ME!!). Although that is a great accomplishment, I still feel like it is just not enough. The weight is NOT the issue here but the more weight I lose the lower my insulin levels will stay and lower my testosterone levels will stay so that I will be able to actually carry a baby boy or girl past the first trimester. Right now, nothing has changed. My insulin levels are lower however, not low enough for the high risk of miscarriage to be lower (spoken with my worst sad face I could possibly make). Dr. P said that things are on the right track, no set backs, just need to keep moving forward with what I am doing now. She said that I could start looking into eating foods with a Glycemic index less than 20 (the normal for someone on a healthy diet is less than 40...Yes, mine is much lower) which means I could find some fruit that has a low glycemic index like berries (which by the way I was told to eat because they have great antioxidant properties as well as other health benefits). Dr. P also wants me to start going to an Infertility/Life Counselor. I think this will be beneficial too. They know how to interpret how I feel about it all since they specialize in patients who are dealing with Infertility issues. Holding it all in is not being beneficial and is causing way too much stress to build up and emotions to build up. So it needs to be addressed so I will be able to actually get pregnant to begin with. Cortisol is the hormone our body releases when we are stressed. Cortisol blocks all kinds of other hormones from actually doing what they are suppose to, like produce eggies!! And we sure enough, can't have that! So I think it is vital for this journey to stroll on in the best direction.

 Other than that, we both ( Brandon and myself ) are to continue with the medication we are currently taking, no increase of anything (PTL cause I dont think I could handle an increase of any of it as bad as I feel just with my dosages now) and we will come back in 4 weeks (May 1st to be exact) to have an appointment with Dr. L, our actual Reproductive Spec. and we can decide then if IVF is still our only option (which as of today it is our ONLY option)  or if we could attempt a natural plan (planned intercourse taking Ovulation stimulating meds) or attempt an Intra Uterine Insemination. Brandon wants to attempt a natural plan first to see if that will get us anywhere, but I am pushing more toward the IUI because there is a better chance of a pregnancy that way without doing IVF or just waiting on a positive pregnancy test at home. I know that God will be present in this decision and I must say I am excited to see how things work out at our next appointment. Hopefully, if all goes well, I will be able to stop my BC pills and start the ovulation stimulating meds for a May cycle ( praying praying praying ). We are pushing for a February or March baby so I pray that is in God's plan for us as well!

So, over the next 4 weeks we will be needing you all to pray for us!! God is working in this, we can definitely tell! It is still a long road ahead, but maybe not as long as we have already spent ( last week of July will mark 5 years we have been trying to conceive ). I am thankful for this journey and the lessons we are learning, the people that we have met and the FAITH we are growing through it all. Brandon and I are growing a bond like no other and such a stronger love for one another than we could've ever imagined. Our struggle is making us so much stronger than the average person! Thank you Lord for blessing us with so much already!

A New Day to a New You...Thanks Joyce Meyer

 I was always taught that when you marry someone, your family becomes their family and their family becomes your family. But God has shown me otherwise.

Family is not just blood. I have a "friend" that is more family to me than some of my own family. She knows my whole life story and I know hers, there is no judgement, only truth is spoken. We love each other unconditionally, just like family should. Sometimes even if we don't talk for a week or two or see each other for a month or two, we still know that no matter what time of day or night it may be, we are ALWAYS there for each other. Now that is truly what family is all about.

 I wanted a blog that was truthful of the every day life of a husband and wife plus the infertility lifestyle. Not many people understand the infertility journey. I want to let these people know that not only are they absolutely NOT alone on this journey but also that life in general is not a breeze. People have problems, some that should absolutely stay in the home and not be plastered on a blog, but others that people should be aware of and know that if they are going through these same things, that it is OKAY!!

Every morning I get up and read my Joyce Meyer: A New Day to a New You devotional. It helps me to start the day out with the word of God and to have something to think about in my actions throughout that day. Well, today is one of those days that I know I will need that little glimpse of hope and promise. Today my devotional is about forgiveness and WOW what a strong word for me. I am not one to just let things go (as most of you know if you know me well enough). The bible says that in order for us to reap the benefits of what God has for us, we must be able to forgive. Satan gets at us when we are at a weak point in our lives and holding grudges or being angry at someone for something they did to you is one of the ways that Satan gets into your life. Well not me!! I am done with the grudges and the unforgiveness. If this journey has shown me anything at all, it is that God allows things to happen for a specific reason or purpose. Had this journey not been planned for my life, I would never have needed to lean on God so much and to really study His word to get a better understanding of His promises to barren women. So I feel like the purpose of all of this happening to me and my husband was to grow our faith in Jesus Christ and to lean only on Him in our weakest moments. Thank you Lord for these things!!

Now, speaking of "family", I have some forgiving to do today. Whether an email or text message, I will have to admit to some things and regardless the outcome, at least I will know that I am the better person who stepped up and took the initiative to do the right thing by the both of us. Wish me luck!!

P.S....Today is cycle day 11...IT IS THE FIRST DAY OF MY FERTILE PERIOD!!! YAY!!  Maybe God will bless us this month!!! If it is His will for us to become parents this month then it will happen!! If not, then maybe next month after my appointment and we decide what we want to do (IVF or IUI). We shall see!!! Prayers please for the next 7 days!!!

An update from Luther Fertility Land!

I haven't posted in a few days because nothing much has been going on. We are taking it one day at a time. Still on the diet roller coaster (Oh my gracious!!) and it is getting to me of course. Having to absolutely cut out every kind of carbohydrate there is on the face of this green earth is so past challenging, it is just plain crazy!!!! Even some veggies that I thought I could eat, are on my "DO NOT EAT THESE VEGGIES" list....Really?? Even with all of this, plus doing the Couch to 5K thing, I still dont think I am dropping the weight like I should be. I thought I would have off quite a bit of weight by now but I am only at about 9 lbs...I know I know...9 lbs is a large baby and so far I have lost a total of 41 pounds. But when you are on this journey, you always feel like whatever it is you are doing, is never enough. I just want to become a mother so bad, that I will do whatever it takes. And that "whatever it takes" is not working as well as I thought. I have prayed and prayed for God to give me the strength to endure this journey for as long as it is in His Will for us to, but sometimes it gets trying and you feel like giving up. I can tell you from experience, dont ever give up! No matter what the situation, NEVER give up! Even on days like today when I have craved (like mad woman craving) something sweet and some McDonald's french fries....I have thought about truly giving up...But, I know that when this is all over and I am holding God's precious gift to me and Brandon in my arms, I will never remember the craving of the sweet little something and those McDonald's fries. And I absolutely cannot wait until that day comes! And I know it will!! God promises to give the barren women a child. And I know that when God promises it....It WILL happen!! In Psalm 113:9 it says that "God settles the childless woman in her home as a happy mother of children". Thank you Jesus!!

So, that was just a brief little over view on the "happenings" in Luther fertility land! Nothing too exciting. Yet anyways!! Keep the prayers going up for us!! We will be needing them the rest of way down this winding road!!

From baby steps to big steps!

When I first started on this journey, seeing a pregnant person, going into the baby section of any store, watching television shows that consist of babies or labor/delivery....It all made me very sad. I can remember shopping for my nephew Kolten when he was born and prior to him being born, and just cry and cry every time I would get home or get in the car for that matter. Brandon would always ask me what was wrong. I would usually never answer him. For I knew that he would not understand the pain I felt in my heart, the longing I had for a baby of my very own. Over the last 4 and a half years I have pretty much stayed out of Babies R Us. I went into Buy Buy Baby when Kolten was born and bought a few things but it was a fast trip, in and out quickly. I have had a few people tell me that buying things for their unborn child helped them get through the pain of not conceiving at the time. I have been skeptical because I was so afraid I would 'jinx" our chances of conceiving.

Well, today marked my second time going to Babies R Us and not coming out and having a meltdown in the car. The first time I went was with my Mom a few weeks ago. We went alone and spent an hour and half just looking at everything in the store (and I mean EVERYTHING!!) We had a blast!! I told Mom that day that I wanted to bring Brandon back to look with me. Have some bonding time (I guess). So today we decided to go to Belk and to Babies R Us. Brandon, Mom and myself. Mom bought 2 little newborn sleepers from Belk for me to put up and have when the time comes. We bought one boy and one girl sleeper! I must say this is a huge step for me (Praise the Lord). I have been so depressed and sad over
"baby" things in the past and never would've bought anything to just put up and save for when God blesses us with a little one! I never would've went to Babies R Us 4 years ago (not unless to buy something for someone else).

Without prayer and lots of it, I never would have been able to take this step. I thank God daily for all of the advancements we are making each and every day. For all of the details he is adding to our journey and to His ultimate plan for us! My verse for today is Isaiah 41:13 "For I, the LORD your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, 'Fear not, I am the one who helps you.' "

Sometimes it is hard to see that what we fear is merely petty things. Being afraid is a wasted feeling. God specifically says that we should not be afraid, for He is with us!! I am still a work in progress with my faith and understanding of God's word. But I am seeing a big difference in our journey, ever since I have started praying differently, thinking differently and doing differently. God does not want us to suffer. He does not want us to be afraid or fearful of things. Alot of times, at least for myself, these things are much easier said than done. I am quick to be afraid of a situation or have anxiety about a situation. However, I just need to focus more on being faithful and believe that God will prevail in all situations if and only if, I am faithful to Him!

And then...

Today is one of "those" days for me...Put on a smile for everyone at work so they don't see your pain, then break down in the car on the way home because your heart just aches...Yeah, one of those days. Ever since my Dad died there has been an empty space in my heart and my life. Some people learn to move on from death/loss and grief but some just don't have that about them...I am one that just doesn't have it to move on. Within 6 months, I lost my Dad, got married, attempted to start a family, moved to Atlanta, Georgia....I think that's about it...Then over the next 4 years, still not pregnant but finally getting some answers. That loss is still there though.

Some Psychiatrists and/or Psychologists say that dealing with infertility is a form of loss and grieving is the coping mechanism we tend to use. Makes sense to me. After my Dad died, I cried every day for 3 years. Literally, every single day up until last year I cried at some point because my heart just hurt so bad. For the last 3 and a half years, I have cried every time I see a baby, every time I watch something about a baby being born, every month when "flo" comes to visit and even at those times when I thought to myself "maybe I could be pregnant" when "flo" didn't come at all. Yeah, sounds pretty similar to the tears I have shed over losing my Dad. Sounds like grieving to me. I have been told by some pretty amazing Behavioral Health Specialists that I am still in the grieving process with losing my Dad and until I can get past it, move on and realize that no matter the tears it will never bring him back, that he is in a much better place than I am and death is a part of life! You can not live, without dying. I guess I have to learn that no matter how many tears I cry, they will not make me miraculously pregnant that month. (hmm......)

My point is, it is normal to feel a sense of loss or grief in the infertility process. I have been sad about it for almost 5 years now. When you want something so bad and you have absolutely no control over it getting here....It makes you feel defeated and weak..(and sad too I might add). But I have learned that every tear, every want, every trip into Babies R Us just because you want to look and feel the sweet little things that your baby will one day wear or need. All of that is apart of God's ultimate plan for you and your life. Had my Dad not been killed when he was, I never would've needed God so much that I chose to rededicate my life to Him 2 years later. Had my Dad not died when he did, I never would've went to the doctor when I did to be told that I needed to come off of my birth control and was asked if we were "ready" to become parents(if not we needed to use protection) and then later found out that I have PCOS. None of this would've happened in the order it did, had the Lord not took my Dad so soon. In no way would I ever say that I am glad He took him when He did...I miss my Dad so much it hurts unbearably. But I am thankful that out of all of the sadness, depression, grieving and anger, came love and devotion by me marrying the love of my life...came dedication to the Lord and me wanting to learn more of His word and what He expects of me as a follower of Christ...came answers, long awaited, but we finally have answers! I finally have an understanding that everything happens for a reason and we may not always find out why, but during those times where we do find out why...We become forever thankful and obedient.

Infertility is nothing to be ashamed of. It is nothing to hide or keep secret. Those of us that can talk about it, shed light on the issue and try to make a better understanding to those that have no idea what it is like to be in our shoes. Or for those that are in our shoes, and really feel alone...You are not! I have met some people that are secretive and some that want the world to know that without the help of "special" doctors, God could not have blessed them with their sweet little miracles! It is all about the JOURNEY!! God planned out your journey for you long before you were born! He knew exactly what would happen, long ago! Keep your faith up!! We are all in this together!