Yet another disappointment...

You read it right...ANOTHER disappointment on this lonely, winding road of Infertility. Here's recap of the past couple of weeks...

• After the last appointment with Dr. L, I was pretty upset and not being very faithful at that point. With Brandon's sperm count decreasing instead of increasing as we had hoped and prayed, I had really started to look out into a cloudy haze. At this point, I feel helpless and hopeful all at the same time. I can't loose hope nor faith in God, even though it is so hard to keep up right now. 
• Wednesday May 15th we started B's new HCG injections for his borderline low testosterone levels and to boost his sperm count. It was rather interesting giving someone that is frantically scared of needles, an injection, even though the needles are small and the pain minimal (or at least I would think so..I was very gentle!!)  he still thought I was diving into him with a knife. But he then realized it wasn't that bad after all and now we are fixing to be on injection #3 (tomorrow) and he took the last one like a true champ! I keep telling him he is definitely taking one for the "team"!! Ha ha!
• For about 3 weeks now I have had this super nagging and painful headache that no matter how much Tylenol or Aleve I take, it will NOT go away!! Turns out, I am assuming from the stress of numerous things, my BP is sky high. Needless to say I had hurt long enough and last Wednesday I went to the Doctor and got no help. My BP was 198/102 and before I left the office it has decreased to 158/102 which is still not good. I contacted Dr. L's office to ask about the meds he was to start me on to help with ovulation so we can "try" while Brandon is on the injections. As Dr. L had said in our last visit "If it happens, it happens!" Needless to say that my call to his office did not end well, as I definitely did NOT get the news I was hoping for once again. Our care coordinator said that Dr. L is not going to do any more treatment until my BP is completely under control and he has a letter from my Primary Care Provider stating I am cleared to do fertility treatments! After I hung up that phone call I had a terrible knot in my stomach that has yet to go away. But, this leads up to today and me finding a new Primary Care Physician because the old D.O I was going to...Well, I wont go there but thanks to her not doing anything about my BP, I am now on fertility restriction...

Today I had my first appointment with Beth...She is Dr. Kaye's ARNP but let me tell you...She is the most knowledgeable and likable person I have been to this far in our TTC journey (besides Dr. L and his staff, of course). We talked about our fertility journey and where we stood on that ground and we discussed possible causes of my terrible headaches and BP spikes. She is concerned with my kidneys and the blood flow I may or may not be receiving to them. That is a big cause of high BP and since I was diagnosed at 17 with hypertension and never had a BP workup other than just throwing medication at me, it was time to do so and check out my kidneys. I explained the extreme nausea and dizziness which could be from my high BP but also if there is a problem with my kidneys, depending on what the problem may be, I could be getting the nausea and dizziness from that. She did an EKG which checked out perfect, praise the Lord! I went this afternoon and had a full renal ultrasound and renal Doppler to check the peak flow of the arteries and veins coming to and from my kidneys. I am a little nervous about it but what ever happens will happen. Everything is meant to add to our testimony! I also have to do a 24 hour urine analysis to check numerous things that could cause my BP to increase. I am not looking forward to that since it requires me to stay home for 24 hours but hey...That means some rest time!!

I was suppose to go back to Dr. P for my IR follow up next Wednesday but I am not sure if that will be possible if I don't get cleared by then from Dr. Kaye. I pray I will but I also pray that they find whatever is causing my BP to go so extremely high and fix that problem. Pregnancy will be hard enough with high BP much less to have it uncontrolled prior and that means it will just be much worse and could cause terrible issues during pregnancy. And the Lord knows that is the very last thing I ever want. If I can get it fixed before our miracle happens, then I will do everything in my power, EVERYTHING, to get it fixed to ensure that myself and our little miracle will be A-okay! So for now, we just wait...Once again! Please keep me in your prayers and pray that they will find out what is causing this issue. Thanks a bunch!!

To add a side note...tomorrow May 22, will be 5 years since my Dad lost his life in a horrible accident. Since that time, my life and my family's life has not been the same and never will be. I could never express in words how much I miss my Dad and his laugh. I miss Sunday dinner at my Mom's, cause anyone that knew my Dad, knew he LOVED to eat and he loved Sunday dinners. I can't believe it has been 5 years already and I still grieve for him the same as the day we lost him. The only difference is I have learned how to better handle my grief, how to live with it, as it not so fresh and new anymore. It will never get better, it will only make us more numb to the pain of how much we miss him and wish to hug him and tell him how much we love him. He is gone from this life, but is living a much better, care free life with Jesus! And I will be happy to see him on the other side of this world, when that time comes! Rest in Peace Dad! You are gone but never ever forgotten!

God's plan is better than our plan

Today has been one of the hardest days and appointments we've had thus far on our journey with Dr. Lipari. I had my 4 week Insulin Resistance follow up, Brandon had another semen analysis and we had our plan of treatment appointment together (which I thought at one point wasn't gonna happen thanks to a mess up on the scheduling lady's part...long story).

The whole ride to Jacksonville this morning was emotional for me. Every time we have an appointment the ride is very emotional but today was much worse. I had high hopes for this appointment and I had a little something nagging at me that was saying "Do not get your hopes up, Kristie!! This may not be as great as you have planned!" I assume it was God's way of taking the edge off and attempting to make it less emotional but of course my heart was saying "Today is going to be a great day and a great appointment!" I now know why God was nagging at me to NOT get my hopes up because it was a disastrous appointment (or so I think) and with my hopes as high as I had them, it made it so much worse.

We arrived at 10:15am even with leaving our house at 8:45am, thank you Jacksonville morning traffic! From the reminder phone calls we got 3 days ago and the times I wrote down on my calendar, I was under the impression that Brandon had his appointment for his semen collection at 10:30am and my appointment at 11:30am would permit a good bit of time for them to give us a preliminary result on his total motile sperm count. Little did I know that it would most definitely not work that way, at all! They took us both back at 10:20 with me thinking that I was going with Brandon but actually they were taking me back for my appointment with Dr. Paschall, NOT Lipari because they had me scheduled for 10:20 with Dr. Paschall!!!! I immediately told the little nursing assistant that something was definitely wrong and told her about the times of our appointments and why we made them at those times. Well, the scheduling lady took it upon herself to ignore the big fat writing in our chart that Dr. Paschall wrote at our last appointment for us to have a "plan of treatment appointment with Dr. Lipari"!! Man was I one unhappy camper!! The poor nursing assistant did everything she could and finally figured out that I was not lying and it was their mess up. So I went my way to my appointment while Brandon did his semen collection for his analysis.

I have to say that I have come to truly LOVE Dr. Paschall and her caring, loving characteristics. She immediately came in the room and gave me the biggest hug and said that she will make sure that Dr. Lipari came in to see us for exactly the reason why we there and that she did. After my one and half hour appointment with her, Dr. Lipari came in to discuss what our options are. Little did I know that I would get news that I was NOT expecting by no means! Brandon's total motile sperm count went down....YES DOWN NOT UP!!! I cried and cried and cried because I had my hopes so high that we would get to go into our first cycle like as soon as Monday, but as I have stated many times, God plans are much better and He definitely has a plan, it is just the waiting part I am having a hard time with. Dr. Lipari said that I am doing fine, I just need to continue on the regimen I am taking now, sick and all! He said that right now our only option is to do an IVF cycle if we are looking to get pregnant like yesterday...But he wouldn't recommend that because the chances of pregnancy for us right now is only 2-5% with a 40% chance of miscarriage (which has come down from the 60% chance I had of miscarriage at our appointment 8 weeks ago). We are making improvements, little baby steps at a time, but it still doesn't make it sting any less when you hear that your husband has been taking meds for 8 weeks to increase his sperm count, then get the results and it has actually gone down about 2 million from last time. We have done everything by the book, I have even actually got Brandon wearing boxers and not briefs (after 20 something years of wearing briefs this is a huge deal) and I have got him to take cool showers and not the burning hot ones he used to take. He takes his meds on point each day he is supposed to....I just don't get it. Dr. Lipari said that he thinks that the reason is because we need to take action and treat his low testosterone levels as well as treating his low sperm count. That way we are actually taking care of an underlying cause for the sperm count being so low. So he prescribed B some HCG injections that I will of course have to give him 2 times a week for the next 6 weeks. It takes approximately 70 days for a male to make new sperm. So this will give us a close enough point to see if the HCG in combination with the Letrizol pills will work for him. Dr. Lipari is very optimistic and he sat with us for about an hour and 45 minutes going over every little detail and even told us some personal stories of the infertility roller coaster he and his wife also went down. He let me know that if I didn't feel like I do, he would be worried. Every emotion I am feeling is completely normal, even though sometimes I feel like a crazy person who needs to possibly be checked into Vista for 72 hours. Dr. Lipari said with a smile on his face "You WILL get pregnant sweetheart! It is a just a matter of working out the kinks for the best possible pregnancy we can give you!" and I am so thankful for an honest, caring Doctor who is NOT out to just go straight into IVF when it is possibly not going to be necessary if we just put our faith and hope into God's timing!! I agreed with Dr. Lipari and told him that no matter how bad I want to become a Mommy right now, I couldn't bare the thought of miscarriage if there is something I can do about it, so we are going to go for the injections and continue on the nutrition plan to keep my insulin under control.

I know that God is just adding to our testimony. I know His plans are so much bigger and better than any of the plans that Brandon and I have for our own lives. I have to really stay focused on God's bigger picture and not dwell in the pity of my own struggle and try to be optimistic (as hard as it will be...I am not the most positive person at this point). I told the Doctor today, while in tears, that I feel defeated. And as I said that to her I could see in the back of my mind, God hanging his head. I am sure He feels like I have lost faith in Him and at some point I could say that is true. But being a Christian is an every day job! God knows that we will have doubts and get in the dumps about stuff and that is when He works his miracles. He knows that is when we need Him the most!! Today I have thought a lot about this verse and I am so thankful and blessed to know that God's promises are NEVER broken promises.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11


As I close this post tonight, I am without a doubt sad and in a funky mood. It has been a hard day and I definitely did not get the news I had hoped for. But no matter how sad I am nor how funky I feel, I know deep down in my heart that God is with me through all of this. I just have to put my faith in Him.

I will go back in 4 weeks for another follow up to go over the lab work I had drawn today. Brandon will go back in 6 weeks for his next SA. Next week we will go back in for a "mixing and injection teaching" so that I can give Brandon this new medication. Please keep praying for us each day! I know our blessing is right around the corner!