For the men with empty arms and full hearts!

Each year for the past 6 years, when Mother's Day rolls around, I dread it...I cry and wish and cry and hope and cry...and cry...It is a sad day for me because I want nothing more than to be able to celebrate God blessing me with a child that will call me "Mommy" (or whatever else they want to call me). I know how broken hearted I am on Mother's Day and I know Father's Day for so many men is a sad day too (even though they may not admit it or show it). My hubby being one of those men.

Father's Day is a day for us to celebrate the men in our lives who have taught us something that will forever be engraved on our hearts and our lives. Father's Day is a day to celebrate the men in our lives who have showed unconditional love and affection to us when we needed it the most and most likely did not deserve it. Father's Day is a day to celebrate the men in our lives who are special to us for so many reasons. Now, did I say that any of those men have to be our Dad's? Of course not!! Although 99.9% of the men in our lives who have done all of the above is our Daddy! Some may not have an actual "father" to celebrate for whatever reason. That man may be a grandfather, an uncle, a friend of the family, a step father, a brother, a cousin or just a good friend. Let's not link Father's Day or Mother's Day to just our Mom and Dad!

With that said, I want to take time out to say a few things about my husband! He may not be a "father" yet in the traditional sense, but let me tell you, this man has a Father's heart for sure. He is a big kid with a giant heart who loves unconditionally and is affectionate, who teaches new things to me on a daily basis, who is always 100% into the lives of others with his whole heart and is more than special to me! He works his butt off for his family and never complains not one bit. He loves me when I am not loveable. That, my friends, is a Father in the making! God has given my love, the heart of a Father. Although we are still waiting on that precious little one of ours to ascend from Heaven, Brandon is still a Father in so many ways! I can't say that our marriage is perfect or that he is perfect. No one is perfect. We all have our faults, marriages are not always the best especially when you are going through infertility and sometimes we feel as though we just can't do it anymore. But right now, in our lives and on this Father's Day, I have to say that God doesn't make mistakes (as if we didn't already know this). God put Brandon in my life when he did for a reason. He planned out our lives from the beginning and each of us were already in the plan for one another. Our infertility was already there too. God has it all planned out. God gave Brandon his very own heart...The heart of a Father! And he made him especially for me! For that I am so thankful!

For all of you men out there who are longing to be able to celebrate "Father's Day", now is just as good of a time as when you have a child in your arms. Each and every one of you, who are saved and has Jesus in your heart, has the heart of a Father! We have the Holy Spirit in our hearts to guide us each day and night. That Holy Spirit is the Spirit of God my friends!! And God is our Father!!! Don't ever feel that you are not a Father just because you do not have children on this earth! As I have said before about being a Mother, it is not just about having a child of your own in your arms or about being called "Daddy". Its about leaving something special on the hearts of those you are around. Its about teaching others things about life or whatever, and leaving that on their hearts. My Brandon is definitely a Father in my eyes. And I know that in God's time, he will be holding his baby in his arms for the first time.

I must say I am so thankful for a Heavenly Father that loves me at my worst, forgives me when I am not worthy of being forgiven, listens to me when I cry and yell at Him for not giving me what I want when I want it and blesses me more than I notice sometimes. I am thankful for a Heavenly Father who makes promises that He keeps and gives me hope when I am not so hopeful. He loves me unconditionally when I am not loveable at all. For this I am ever so thankful!

My Dad is not here with me on this earth anymore. That doesn't mean I cannot celebrate the 22 years I got with him on this earth. I miss and love him more than I could ever express but I know he is in such a better place. Don't get me wrong...I am selfish! I want him here with me and my family. I can assure you that even if he had the chance to come back to this earth, you best believe he would not want too! I have a Papa that has always been like a Father to me and has always shown all of us grand kids unconditional love and support! I am so thankful for him and his guidance (that I almost always never applied to my own life and wish I had) and his unconditional love! This Father's Day I will celebrate these things!

I am so blessed in my own life with great men who have left lasting impressions on my life! I am so thankful for the "Father's" I get to celebrate this Father's Day! For all of you men out there with empty arms this Father's Day, I am thinking of you and praying for you! God will fill those arms of yours when the time is just right!! Never lose hope!!

Recently in Lutherville...

I have had a lot of people ask why I haven't updated my blog in a few weeks. So, I figured I would post and let everyone know how things are currently going for us on this journey to become parents.

In my last post, I let everyone know that Brandon and I have decided to take a short break to "recollect" ourselves and just let my body relax for a bit. We are still on that same road, waiting to decide when will be the best "starting back date" for us. We have been praying about it and God hasn't spoken to us yet with when is a good time.

Emotionally, making a decision to take a break has been the hardest of my life. The "what if" is killing me, but I know physically I need to take some time for me. Even mentally, I need some time. The past 6 years I have religiously tested every single month, at the least with 2 tests. I have practically used my husband, most of the time, as just a sperm donor. I have lost who I am in this whole emotional mess I am in. I have taken basal temps, charted what was supposed to be ovulation that never happened, lay with my butt in the air for hours and hours and hours, checked for cervical mucus (gross I once thought but now if its there it is such a blessing),  taken all kinds of weird vitamins, drank special teas, ate special food, lost 50 pounds (which still isn't enough), seen 5 different doctors including 3 GYN and 2 Reproductive Endo,  had biopsies of my uterus, exam after exam after exam, probably would be a 2 or 3 gallon blood giver by now if it was being measured with all of the lab work I have had done over the past 6 years, been sick almost every month for the past 2 years due to medication additions and adjustments including one hospital stay for a jacked up heart, had to see a shrink and a therapist, lost friends, lost enough money to buy a brand new home,  starting to lose a marriage that I so deeply do not want to lose because we have neglected one another in the midst of trying to conceive, quit my job to pursue treatments and work on my BA....I am sure so many more things have occurred but right now my brain is at its whits end so that is all I can recollect right now.

With all of that said, there are some pretty good things that have came out of this. I wouldn't want to leave those things out! This is how God is working in my life!  For instance, I have met some pretty amazing people on this journey! Life long friends and some do not even live here and I may not ever meet them in person because they live across the country. But these ladies have been so supportive, loving and caring that I will always have a special place in my heart for them. The most important thing is that I came to really know Jesus through this journey! I got saved on April 20, 2011 after getting to the end of my own personal, lonely rope. I knew that the only way I was going to make it was by finding Jesus and starting a relationship with Him! Since then, I have had the amazing opportunity to share God's faithfulness through this journey by writing this blog and being able to speak to women on a one to one basis and most recently spoke at my church on Mother's Day about our story. Although I am always generally negative about this whole journey (there isn't much positive about wanting something you can't have), there are specific reasons I am thankful for it, like the ones above! In every miserable, depressing journey, there are always a few things God sends us to show us that He is at work in it. This story of mine is a great example!

For those that have asked me through Facebook, we are NOT "giving up" or stopping treatments. Right now, our Doctor wants to work a few things out with Brandon's sperm (at my request) which is still low in numbers. Doc thinks more than 3 million is great for IUI but I still feel like we need as many as we can possibly get!  He will go in for another semen analysis here soon and we will go from there. If the count has gone up then we will stay where we are, not adding in any new meds for him and pray for God to give us the answers we are looking for as to when we should start back treatments. Right now I am trying to make a decision about school and our future. I already know I will be a stay at home Mom because this is something Brandon and I have talked about for a very long time now. But I want to have a good career that I can fall back on in the instance we need it. So that is important to us right now too, that we make the right decisions. I know if we continue treatments, I will not be able to start any type of program because with my blood pressure and my A-Fib I would be most likely high risk and I do not know what will come of that and pregnancy mixed together. And of course, our baby or babies will ALWAYS come first!

Please join us in praying for answers! We are praying specifically for God to manifest to us when we should go back and do another round of treatments. We are praying for Brandon's count to be more than 10 million on his next analysis! We are also praying for God to guide us in what our next step will be for treatment. We are currently talking IVF but have not made any decisions, considering the amount of money it costs for IVF ($8,000-$10,000 for one cycle depending on what type of IVF we do) and the toll it takes on my body. Plus our Doctor has told us many times that we do not need IVF because nothing is wrong other than a low but not severely low, sperm count. So we are praying for answers to all of that right now. God will not lead us down the wrong path. We have faith that He will work it all out for our good! I love getting messages from you guys asking questions and being concerned for us! I love the encouragement because even the most faithful gets down in the dumps every now and then (not that I am the most faithful but I am working on it). It really helps me get through! Thank you all for the kind words and prayers! Keep them coming! Also, please pray for healing for my heart. I have been having some more issues with palpitations most likely bouts of A-Fib again as well as an unstable blood pressure (high). I know its stress because I have been stressing about many things including when to start another round of treatment. So please pray for that as well!! I love you all and I will continue to pray for all of my fellow infertility sisters! God is with us ladies!! Always with us!!!
P.S: I haven't forgotten about blogging my personal testimony of how and why I found Jesus when I did. I am still praying about that too!

(Disclaimer: Everything in my blog posts is my own personal experience. We each have our own story)