Sometimes, the answer is "Not yet"

The title of this post says it all...Sometimes God's answer is "no" or "not yet"....Its hard to swallow but it is just how it goes.

This morning at 7am I was up getting ready to go have my blood drawn. As I was getting dressed, doing my makeup and fixing this mess of hair I have on my head, all I could think about was how today may be the day our lives will change forever, in such a fantastic way! Then, in the back of my mind I always have that little voice telling me to "learn from past disappointments and do not get your hopes up, Kristie". So then the excitement of what the day may bring, turns to fear and nervousness. As always....

After going to breakfast with my loving husband, going to Walmart and getting a new bedspread I have had my eye on for while now and coming home to do the usual sit and wait routine, we finally got a call from our nurse. I could tell by her voice, as I always have been able to from past cycles....It was negative. N-E-G-A-T-I-V-E

God's answer for this cycle was N-O!

Of course I was totally devastated....Completely and utterly devastated. My heart IS broken...again. But it will heal, in God's time. I just wish some people could see the pain we experience going through this type of aggressive treatment. Its NO joke, that is for sure.

All blood work came back normal, ovulation was successful...The only explanation was (in the words of our nurse) "It just didn't take".  My HcG level was 4 and anything less than 5 means "NOT PREGNANT". I have eggs, beautiful eggs that mature on command with the medication and Brandon has sperm, it may not be ten million plus, but there is sperm there. This is a perfect example of "IT JUST ISN'T GOD'S PERFECT TIMING".

Of course stress is always a factor and I happen to be the most stressed out person on the planet right now. I pray daily for God to take away the stress, but I feel like unless I move to another state or another country...I will still be stressed. The problem now is that unless I can learn to control it, I will probably never get pregnant or maintain pregnancy. I have tried the "stress management" therapy and it was not successful. I will just continue to pursue God, because He is the only way to be stress free!

God doesn't always give us the answers we want in life. For 6 years now, I have gotten a big fat "NO" every month. As long as I dwell on the "NO", I cannot see all of the "Yes" answers we have gotten from God. So with that said, I am starting a prayer box. Both Brandon and I are going to write our prayers and put them in the box. At the end of each week, we are going to go through the box and see everything God has answered. I really believe this will open my eyes to everything I am so blessed by. I am pretty excited about it.

Right now, the only thing I can do is pray for strength and peace. I know in my heart that I will be a Mother one day. I just don't know when that day will come. In the mean time, I pray for the financial means to continue this treatment as we all know it is very expensive. I pray for strength to be able to emotionally handle it and to continue on this journey. I pray for peace and understanding of what is going on. I pray that whatever the reason, God will be glorified in all of this and every single step of the way in this journey we are on.

Thank you all so much for your prayers. Please continue to keep us in your prayers as we continue on this journey. We are not giving up. Right now we wait to find out what our doctor wants to do as far as treatment for this next cycle. I am sure, more meds and stronger meds. I know that at some point, God will open my womb and bless us with a baby! Until then, I will continue to praise Him!

Stay tuned for the next post. I will be sharing my testimony in my next post and you do not want to miss what God has done in my life. I love you all!! Thank you again for all of the prayers and for supporting us in this journey. It is still not over and we can definitely still use your prayers. Prayer works as it is the direct connection to our Lord and Savior! Keep them going up specifically for a positive pregnancy test and a healthy pregnancy (when that time comes).