Over the past 5 1/2 years, I have really dealt with some rude comments, even from family. For the most part, I just blew it off because ignorance from others is definitely something you deal with when they have no clue about your struggle or your journey. When people don't know what the journey is all about and what infertility really is...Well, they just assume things and 9 out of 10 times, the assumptions are 100% wrong!! Or they "GOOGLE" stuff, all of which they assume is correct information...99% of the time, it doesnt apply to our journey!
After someone saying this past week (I am sure it has been said more than just this past week, but it just surfaced this past week) that I am selfish for wanting to be a mother, because I am:
1) Putting myself first
2) Putting my desire to be a mother above anyone or anything else
3) Risking Brandon's health as well as my own
I have had to take a step back and gather myself.........As I said earlier....Ignorance is a given when people do not have a clue...This coming from someone who knows absolutely NOTHING about what Brandon and I have gone through. Only what has been told to them from others who know absolutely NOTHING about what Brandon and I have gone through.......
Anyone who has experienced infertility and is or has undergone treatments will tell you...
IF THERE IS A WAY AROUND GETTING HELP FROM A SPECIALIST AND PAYING RIDICULOUS AMOUNTS OF MONEY, GOING THROUGH RIDICULOUS AMOUNTS OF TESTING, INJECTIONS, MEDICATIONS, LAB WORK, EMOTIONAL STRESS, MARITAL STRUGGLES, BLAME, ETC ETC ETC....WE WOULD NOT BE DOING THIS IF WE DID NOT HAVE TO DO IT IN ORDER TO BE A MOTHER AND FATHER!!!!! IT WAS NOT SOMETHING WE ASKED TO HAPPEN TO US! IT WAS NOT A CHOICE!
I do not in any way, shape or form, see wanting to be a mother as being selfish! Yes, my way of becoming a Mother is not the easy way! I will not get the pleasure of unexpectedly popping up one morning, a week or two late on my period, and say to myself "Maybe I should take a pregnancy test...."
At this point, due to actual medical issues, our only option for conceiving is AGGRESSIVE INFERTILITY TREATMENTS, not just the basic IUI and possibly IVF!
And, by no means, am I sitting here behind this computer screen having to give an explanation of anything that has to do with WHY or HOW about our journey. I just feel that over the past few days, I needed to post this because someone else may be dealing with the same emotions or same ignorance from people and I want them to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!
This journey is not easy and for anyone to say that it is...Well, then that just proves you were never actually on this journey. There are days when you sit and cry all day, praying for God to just give you the strength to make it through one more cycle and praying for that cycle to please be successful because you just dont think you can take it anymore. There are days when you want to give up! There are days when you feel like punching people in the face when they give you their "ignorant advice" and their stupid comments! But, you keep praying for the strength to deal with it! To keep moving on!!
For those of you who dont know, it takes 2 people (male and female) to conceive a baby...When you get into actually doing infertility treatment, for those of you that don't know, it costs ALOT OF MONEY!!! Which if one spouse or the other did not approve or did not want to do the treatments, do you think they would pay the obscene amount of money for the treatments, medications, lab work, injections, etc etc etc....??? NO! This is a decision that Brandon and I made together!! Like most husbands and wives SHOULD do! Everything we do, we do together...It was not my decision or his, it was OURS! Years ago, Brandon did not want to get his semen analysis done...Therefore, he didn't until 3 years later...I never pressured him or said one word to him because I did not honestly know WHY he didn't want to get it done. We talked about our struggle and about the appointments I was attending monthly, but we never discussed the reason for him not wanting to go. I assumed he was uncomfortable and I felt that he would come around sooner or later. It hurt me, because I felt like he didn't care if he knew that his sperm was okay or not. But I never let my hurt, come between us and our marriage. Because I love him that much! So, if I was putting my desire to be a Mother above anyone or anything else, I could have left him right then and there, or I could have given him an ultimatum and told him, "Either you get it done now, or I am gone". So, again...Never assume!
Now that my rant is over...I wish to move along from this...I just want to get awareness out there about Infertility! And how mine and Brandon's Faith in God, has gotten us where we are today!! To really show others what is possible when you put God first! This post may not seem very "Christ-like" to some but being blunt and being on sins side, is two different things. I want everyone to know the reasoning behind why Brandon and I have chosen to continue on with this journey. Honestly, its because we have no other choice. Adoption costs between $30,000 and $50,000 from start to finish and sometimes more than that (for those that keep saying "there are plenty of children out there that need good homes and loving families"...) And honestly, if I have the opportunity to at least try to have my own biological child, I am going to do everything in my power to make that happen. And if it doesn't, then we will consider our options from that point on. But that is not anyone's decision except mine and Brandon's! And we would have to pray about it very hard before we made a decision.
I love getting comments, encouraging us and praying for us! We appreciate it more than any one of you could ever imagine! My only request is this... If you ever have questions, concerns or comments about our journey, DO NOT HESITATE TO ASK ME!!! Brandon will even be glad to answer "manly" questions for any of your men that may not fully understand the male role in all of this! I would rather someone ask me a million questions, than go on thinking what they assume is correct! Most of the time, it is not...No matter if you are a medical professional or not...You may not always know the whole story! So please don't hesitate to ask us! I love answering questions and talking about our journey with people! It is healing for me! Which is why I do this blog, for the most part! Awareness and healing!!
I love you all, and thank you again for the prayers, comments, messages I receive with every post!! We are still on a long journey, however hopefully after everything gets fully figured out (sperm count, lack of follicles, low progesterone level this cycle, thin uterine lining, etc etc etc) we will be on our way to the start of a new journey!! I will keep you guys updated as we continue on. As of right now I am waiting on an appointment date and Brandon has to get another semen analysis done within the next 2 weeks...So you know what that means for us...No "lovey dovey" for a minimum of 3 and no longer than 5 days. (He better get on the ball before Valentines Day! Bahahahaha) So, keep the prayers coming!!
