There is no perfect person

I was going to do this as a Facebook status update but I decided that a blog post was more sufficient for the amount of information I am going to give you. Here goes nothing...

While riding to Walmart today by myself, I had plenty of time to think (which is what I usually do when riding in the car alone..IDK...I am weird like that I guess). The past few months have been really challenging for me and I have been bombarded with emotions and thoughts of what my life has been like...From an outside point of view...It is crazy to me how sometimes God gives us an "inside" look into our life and how we act. This has never happened to me before and a few weeks ago I was home alone and sitting on the couch when I just had this thought on how terrible I have been in the past...Today was another one of those days for me while riding to town...

I have not been a good friend, a good daughter, a good sister, a good Christian, a good wife, a good sister in law, a good daughter in law,   a good granddaughter, a good niece, a good cousin....I have NOT been a good person in general over the past years... Buying people things no matter the amount or quantity, does NOT make you a good person! What I thought was "good" was not after all! I have missed weddings, parties, births, birthday parties of my friends children....I was NOT there when people needed me in that kind of way! That emotional/friendship kind of way. When my Dad passed away, ALL of my close friends were there at my grandparents house with me, grieving with me when I needed them all the most. I never re-payed them for being there for me. They were there at my Bridal Shower, when I needed them, and I never re-payed them for that. I should've been there at the bridal showers, the baby showers, the weddings, the birthdays, the births....All the days that were important to them. I wasn't there...And for all of you who are reading this and this was me in your life...I am ever so sorry. I am sorry I missed special days in your lives and in your children's lives. I am sorry our friendships dwindled because of my absence or because of my negligence in our friendship. All of our friendships were important to me and still are. You know who you are and I am publicly saying I am sorry for being a crappy person, a crappy friend.

Now, some of you may see this as weakness or as my conscience getting to me. Well let me say this...A few years ago, admitting I was wrong and saying "I am sorry" was not apart of who I was. Becoming a born again Christian changed me and changed my way of thinking....Most all, it changed my heart. You can say whatever you want about this post...It will not bother me. It takes a much stronger willed person to admit to their wrong doings and ask for forgiveness.

I too must apologize to my family...My side of the family has always been very close. My cousins, my brother and I have grown up on the same piece of property with our family. We have been next door ever since I can remember. My grandparents and my Aunt have been there for me through my entire life for everything. And I could never repay them for their encouragement and love. My Mom has always provided for my brother and I and I could never repay her for her sacrifices. My brother, he is my heart and soul!  Ever since my Dad passed away, our family has been like a loose cannon. You never know when one of us will get angry over nothing and blow up. You never know what to say because you are afraid it will make someone upset or angry. I have had a place in all of this too...It has made me angry that our lives changed so quickly. When someone you love so dearly is tragically torn from your life...well, sometimes it takes a long time to figure out how to live a normal life without anger, guilt and sadness being so prominent. These things never go away, ever, but life becomes "tolerable" and the huge amount of sadness turns into a numbness...You just learn to deal with it. I am sorry to my family for being angry, intolerable, rude, sad and outspoken. I know I have been not so nice to be around for many years. I am sorry for this. You all mean the world to me and I am so thankful for each one of you in my life.


To my husband whom I love more than anything...I am sorry for being absolutely terrible. Death, infertility, adjusting to marriage, school, failure...It all plays a role in who I am and I do not want these things to make me a bad person. I have allowed them to make me a terrible, intolerable, short tempered person. Our marriage has suffered and I am sorry for allowing it. Brandon has been my rock from the first day I met him. He was loving and caring and everything I wasn't, even as a high school teenager. I was never a really loving, caring person. I was rude, outspoken and always joked about things that were inappropriate and I look back now and see just how terrible I was even then, back 12 years ago. But even then, Brandon loved me and cared for me and did anything in the whole world for me. He gave up football after graduation because he didn't want to leave me and he was afraid we wouldn't stay together if he went off to school to play football....Not an easy thing for me to digest and to think about and I honestly think he was not smart for making that decision...But he loved me that much to give up his dream of playing college football. To this day, he allows me to stay at home and focus on our dreams of becoming "Mommy and Daddy" and to go back to school and finish my degree. He works to take care of us and I'm ever so thankful and blessed to say the least, that God gave me someone so amazing to spend the rest of my life with.

Now, why put this on a blog about "infertility"....? Well, going through infertility for the past 5 years and losing my Dad over 5 years ago has gotten me here...It has gotten me to TODAY....Life is about forgiving, asking for forgiveness, saying you are sorry when you are wrong, making positive changes, having friends, being faithful to God in all things....Admitting I am wrong is another step for me in making those positive changes in my life. Living a life of anger, being rude, outspoken, jealousy, sadness, etc....is not what life is about. Give God the opportunity to change you! Its the first step! As I sit back and look at who I was in the past, and who I am today I can see a major difference. Some may say I have a long way to go and I will agree with that. We all have a long way to go. Living in Christ is not easy, it is a daily struggle. It will always be a journey. But for those that know me now and knew me and how I acted years ago, know that for me to apologize for hurting someone, being rude or obnoxious, completely intolerable and definitely NOT Christ-like,...Well, that is a HUGE step for me! And I hope those of you who this post is geared towards know that this is ME! This who I am and who God made! I am by no means perfect, but I am ME! I am again sorry for missing out on very important life events, those I was invited too and those there were no invites sent out for...I am sorry. To my family, I am sorry for everything. Sorry for being crappy!

I love you all and I pray you will all look at your own life and just see if there is someone who you have hurt, offended or just plain "forgot" about...Look and see if there is someone who deserves an apology from you. The moral of the story: Life is too short to hold grudges, be rude, hurt people, offend people and just be plain mean and thoughtless. Jesus did not die on that cross so tragically, for us to sit and be this way. We are to be kind, caring, have love and compassion for one another and help each other. We are to forgive each other of our wrong doings. As hard as it is and has been for me, going to church and learning more about Christ and what it is to be a Christian has been the biggest and best thing that has happened in my life. After all, God gave me this life and I was not living it the way He would approve of. Its a new year for all of us, so lets make the best of it and live it to the fullest with those we love! You never know when your last moment may be on this earth or when someone you love may be taken from you!

 I will leave you with this verse out of the Bible:

2 Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!"

I am so thankful for this opportunity to share this with you and most of all to show that it is okay to admit you are wrong! Stay tuned for more on our journey! We started our treatment cycle on Dec 26th! Everything looked great on ultrasound and I took my last birth control pill last night! So now I just wait for my monthly visitor (aka: Flow) to start over the next few days then I will start the medications! I am more positive about this cycle at this time, than I have been over the past year. Please continue to pray for us as we go through this treatment cycle. It will be more aggressive and I pray there will be no complications like last month! Love you all!!!

This right here...Is God at work my friends!

When I tell you that God surely works in mysterious ways, for the best for us in all He does...I couldn't be a better example if I tried (which I haven't and that makes it miraculous).

About 12 weeks ago or maybe a little less than that, I went to my PCP just because I had a sinus infection and needed some medicine. My PCP was out on maternity leave (go figure, right?) so I had to see another one of the Doctors that day that I had never seen before. Right as she walks in she asked me why I was there and I told her and she started immediately on some rant about how I needed to be tested for MTHFR gene mutation. WHAT????!!! I was kind of thrown off being I was there for a sinus infection. She explained herself and how it could be the reason for my heart issues (high BP), apnea, INFERTILITY, and many other issues I do not have symptoms of. I just knew that she was in there trying to make money, because she said insurance doesn't cover it and it can be costly. Right then and there I just blew it off. She gave me a sticky note with the name of the disorder on it and told me to give it to my reproductive specialist and have him check into it....

Well, on November 7th when we met with Dr. Lipari (our reproductive specialist) I asked him about it. Just because, I am sick and tired of waiting and waiting (waiting and waiting....and more waiting) to figure out this infertility stuff. I keep getting told there is no reason for "me" to not be getting pregnant other than Brandon's sperm count being so low. Well, with the IUI I feel that there is more to it than just a low sperm count. I mean, I had 3 good size mature follicles and he gave 3 million sperm...And it didn't work. So, I just thought to myself, it doesn't hurt to ask. I have nothing to lose at this point.

Well, needless to say, I am thankful to God that in that one visit with that PCP I just knew was trying to get me to do some pointless testing just to benefit their "research" or whatever they are working on, told me about this MTHFR mutation....And I am thankful to God that I questioned Dr. Lipari about it on our last visit and he ordered the testing.

I unfortunately have 2 genetic mutations...Yes 2....As I was told today, there is a chance I could never carry a baby on my own without the help of medication to ensure I can get to full term and even then they cannot say it will actually happen (who can, I mean, God is bigger than any and all Doctors). My body does not make Folate (folic acid or Vitamin B9) which is needed to make sure women do not have miscarriage. The Dr told me today that they only test for this genetic disorder in Mother's who have lost 2 or more pregnancies!!!!! Now for those that do not believe in God, this right here is God at work in my life!!! I would never have been able to emotionally handle losing 2 or more babies....not even one. And had I not mentioned this to our doctor, I never would've been tested for it. Even though I got some awful news, I am so thankful I did not have to experience miscarriage before something was done about this genetic disorder. I will be taking 6 times the normal amount of Folate via prescription until I get pregnant and then at that point there are other things they will have to do in order to assist in me carrying the baby full term without miscarriage or very premature birth, etc.

As of right now, Brandon will have labs drawn in about 2 weeks (somewhere around Dec 19th) which will tell the Doctors whether or not the medication is working in Brandon to make his sperm plentiful. We are still on for another cycle in about 2 weeks, but we shall see exactly what happens around that time. I think they are really on the fence about doing a cycle right now with me but I believe and have faith in a God that is bigger than any Doctor. And since we have found the issues, I believe it can be watched and handled as needed. As sad and angry I have been in the past weeks, I still have faith that it will happen in God's time and God is the ultimate physician! Therefore, no matter what genetic mutation or any other issue there may be, God is bigger than that!

Let me leave you with this. Over the past 5 years, I have cried so many tears, been so very angry to a point that I dont even know myself anymore, took out my emotions on the one person who loves me no matter what (my husband) and who is there for me no matter what, blamed God, blamed my Dad...You name it, I have experienced it...Now today as I sit here and think back over the past years, God was at work the entire time. God knows my heart and He knows I cannot emotionally handle losing a baby. And had I gotten pregnant before now, I would have most likely miscarried since I have a lack of folate and a my body doesn't know what to do with it when I get it from food, vitamins etc... This my friends, is what I call a blessing. A blessing in disguise. I am so thankful that even when I feel I am done with this journey, when I feel I want off of this roller coaster ride, God is there in shining armor protecting me and letting me know He is there! How can you not have faith in God when you experience this first hand? It isn't coincidence people. Nothing is "coincidence" with God! So, as I have said before, cry....be angry....but get up, dust yourself off and keep going! God isn't finished with you and He most definitely isn't finished with me. For any of you experiencing this right along with me, ask your Doctor about MTHFR mutation. It may help solve many unanswered questions in your journey as well!! And it may save your baby's life!! That is the only way I can see it! This has saved my baby's life!!!!!!

Please keep the prayers coming. I do not know what the coming weeks may hold for me and this journey. I pray that each of you reading this, will leave it with a message of hope! Love you all!! Thank you for showing your support and love to me through this! That says so much, as we have some close to us that could care less to know anything about this very difficult journey! Thank you for the prayers!!

My missing "Joy"...

Every year for the last, I'd say 6 years (since before Brandon and I got married), we would go shopping together for our family for Christmas. Every year as we go through all the sales ads for Black Friday, etc...We would sit and talk about how much awesome stuff we could get for our baby! And every year, as we go through those ads, we say this same line "Hopefully next year we will be buying for our very own baby and will get to add a new family ornament to our tree...". Little did we know all those years ago, 6 + years later we would still be saying that same line...

Over the past year, I would say this journey has taken its toll on me...I went into our first appointment with our new doctor January of this year and I just knew in my heart that I would be pregnant in a couple of months with his help. After going to a Specialist for more than 3 years that didn't want to help us, only wanted our money, I just knew that this was our answer to a long time prayer. I just knew that this year, Christmas was going to be so much different for us. Life as we knew it, would be so much different, I just knew it. I was giddy, excited, nervous...Now, almost 1 year later (with the new specialist) and I am not giddy, excited or nervous about anything. I am sad, worried and I catch myself feeling hopeless some days. And when the holidays come around, it makes it all the more sad for me...

Christmas was my Dad's favorite. He loved waking us up on Christmas morning. I think most Christmas mornings, my Dad was more excited than we kids were. Christmas is hard for me anyways, because I miss such a huge part of my life so very much that it kills me. I miss living at home and waking up Christmas morning with my family (mom, dad and brother). As I look back over the past years, so many things have changed in our life. So very many things. It really seems so unfair. There is no other way to explain it. I do believe that if some people only knew the struggles that I face, they would be a little more considerate...maybe a little more understanding. But for those that have never been smacked in the face by tragedy, after tragedy (literally 3 years apart), for those who have never dealt with infertility for more than 5 years, for those that have never walked a mile in my shoes....Its hard to be judgmental of my life.

I struggle on a daily basis to keep my faith up! I know and I believe from the bottom of my heart and soul that God loves me and God has a plan for me and Brandon. I truly believe that God is going to bless us far beyond measure. My biggest down fall is wondering "when" this will happen...I know that God is using me...He is truly using me and I feel it all the time. That alone is such a huge blessing to me. 

As I sit and look at all of the beautiful new babies, new family Christmas pictures, Baby's first Christmas pictures, etc etc etc....I can't help but be so very sad...So very sad that yet another Christmas is passing by and we still do not have our precious little miracle...I can't help but be envious of everyone getting to enjoy the journey of motherhood, those that appreciate it anyways (not the ones who take advantage of it). It isn't just about getting to take Christmas pictures or shop for cute baby toys and clothes for Christmas...There is so much more to it. Christmas is a time for joy and happiness. A time to spend with family and celebrate the birth of Jesus. Growing up I can remember the excitement and pure joy of Christmas time. I do not feel that this year...It makes me sad because this is my favorite time of year and I want nothing more than to share the joy and magic of Christmas with our very own child. But, I know that God will get me through this. He will give me the desires of my heart, if I pray in His name and if I stay faithful, but only in His timing. I just really wish that His timing was now.

So, anyways...enough of the pity party. I must move on from another disappointing "plan" I had for myself last year this time. But, I will say it again...Hopefully and prayerfully, next Christmas season we will be celebrating the birth of Jesus and the birth of our precious miracle or miracles...We shall see!! For now I leave you with this bit of advice...

It is okay to feel sad. It is okay to cry and be angry. God knows that we are sad because our hearts are missing a piece of something we believe to be the one thing that will make us happy and whole! But really, if we all just remember that God loves us, and if we put our faith and hope in Him, we will be happy and whole. He truly loves us so much that  He sent his only son to die for us. I mean honestly, what man do you know today, that will be crucified on a cross, beaten to almost unnoticeable, all because he wanted to make sure our sins are forever forgiven?? I can tell you, I know absolutely no man that would do that. Except Jesus!! Jesus died so that we can live happy, healthy, faith filled, Christ centered lives. All for us! And when we actually think it out loud like that, that my friends is unconditional love. I may want a baby so bad that it is killing me. And God wants that for me too. But not a moment too soon. All of the follicles I have had in the past, well, those were not my baby! Not one of those were God's choice for my little miracle. And I have to keep the faith and know that one day, God will give me the one and only thing I want in my life...pure joy of being a Mommy, pure unconditional love.I will look at that same TV monitor that I have looked at for almost 12 months now, and I will see our precious miracle finally!  So, have your cry and feel sorry for yourself. Its okay. But get up, shake it off and smile. Thank God for the tears. They make you stronger...They make you who you are! And they are shaping your testimony! Love you all!

A little tidbit...I will go back to the Doctor next week. To decide on the date for our next IUI cycle. Since there are a lot of new medications being brought into the mix now, there are a lot more dates to plan out. They will also go over the results of my genetic testing...Please keep us in your prayers. We continually need them!