"Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails"

I will never understand in this life, why it is so hard for Brandon and I to become parents, yet the ones who do not appreciate it nor deserve it, it just happens for them....

Yesterday morning I got up bright and early and got to the lab at 7:45am to have my blood drawn for my beta HCG test (pregnancy test)....I sent our nurse an email and asked her if she could please call us as soon as she gets the results because Brandon had to leave at 1pm for work and wouldn't get off until after 10pm. She emailed me back about 10:45 and said she would call as soon as she got the results. At 11:15 (give or take) she called and I knew when I saw the number on caller ID, that I would not be getting good news. I knew it in my heart, as I had the last 2 weeks. Sure enough, by the tone of her voice when she said "Hello Kristie" kind of monotone, I knew my heart was right. It was a BIG FAT NEGATIVE.....AGAIN....

Love this reminder of God's faithfulness

At this point, I couldn't even cry....I have been praying specifically for God to give me peace and understanding, as well as strength to deal with our answer. And I must say he did just that. My heart is so broken again but God is putting the pieces back together as we speak. I cried for 15 minutes, by myself in our spare bedroom, I asked God why and to please show me what we need to be doing...Are we suppose to be doing this at all? Will it ever happen for us? Why not us? I couldn't help but feel a little bit angry. Angry because so many women are so blessed but do not appreciate their blessing....Some women can be so bitter, jealous and envious to a point of ruining marriages and relationships...Yet they were blessed to be called a Mother. I am not sure what God is trying to tell me...I wish I could stand right in front of Him and Him tell me "this is the path you should be on and this is what  you need to be doing" or "this is why you have not or will not be able to get pregnant with a child of your own". Until I pass on, this will never happen but I pray that I will be able to hear that still small voice telling me what to do from here. I will NOT give up on my dream of becoming a Mother. EVER! (for the one who thinks and hopes we will because of  their own selfishness and jealousy...No names mentioned but they know who they are).

I cannot thank each of you enough for praying for us. Please do not stop. Emotionally right now, I need them more than ever. My heart hurts. I am praying for God to show us the way and for Him to bless us soon. The same prayer I have prayed for 5 years and 6 months (2 days ago hit the 5 1/2 year mark for us trying to conceive...WOW).

I still have so much to be thankful for. I have a super supportive family consisting of my Mom, brother, Aunt, cousin, my best friend Addie and my Nana and Papa! My husband is my shoulder to lean on, he tries to keep me positive and grounded in this whole process. Without my family I am not sure how we would make it through. It is nice to have people who care and are there for us even when they have no idea what I am going through because infertility has never surfaced in my family until Brandon and I started trying. It is such a mystery. Especially when at this point, it is pretty much unexplained.....Since they are not concerned with Brandon's sperm anymore and I make beautiful little eggs and ovulate on command. It makes it harder when there is no explanation.

(This is what I feel God is saying)

This just reminds me that it is ALL in God's timing. When there is no explanation for something, after being treated for 4 years by medical doctors...My friends, that right there is God's way of saying..."This is my doing, my plan for you. Stay strong my Child, for I've got this!" Well, that is what I think He is saying!


At this point, our plan consists of waiting (YES WAITING) for my monthly visitor to come (Yes, Flo) and then I will start back on my 2 to 3 weeks of birth control to ensure no cysts form over the next few weeks that would prevent any follicles from forming. Our nurse will be having a meeting with our Doctor on Wednesday when he is back in the office about what our next step is as far as treatment. Brandon wants to go straight for IVF this time but I feel that God is leading me somewhere else. I feel in my heart IVF should be our very last resort, no just financially, but I want to get pregnant as natural as possible if I can. Supposedly, they are not concerned with Brandon's 4.8 million sperm at this point. Our nurse discussed it with Dr. L and he said it is to be expected for there to be a fluctuation in sperm count and quality over the period of treatment. According to my chart, only 1 follicle was actually mature, despite the fact I was told there were 2 and that one was fully mature on that last ultrasound before our IUI, but the HCG injection would bump the other up to its desired size...I guess that didn't happen. My Beta HCG level was 2.9... which means there was a "possible implantation that failed"...Yes, that makes my heart hurt even more to know that my uterine lining was pretty thin 2 days before my IUI and was never checked again prior to make sure it would be thick enough after taking the Estrogen pills for 2 days...That will be a matter of discussion at our next appointment. We are NOT giving up people!! We have made it this far. As bad as I would like to give up because emotionally this is the hardest thing in my life I have done besides bury my Dad. That is how bad it hurts. And no one understands this unless you have been on this journey.

For anyone reading this that is going through this with us, please know that you are not alone. Ever! There is always someone who feels your pain. But my only words of advice...Trust God, Pray without ceasing, DO NOT GIVE UP! God will bless us, but not a moment too soon! I love you all! And thank you again for praying for us and being with us on this journey.

Faith as small as a mustard seed

As I sit here today thinking back over the past year, I can't help but feel sad and thankful both at the same time.

When we started our current journey with our newest Doctor on January 16th, 2013, I really had faith that it would not take long and we would be closing this chapter of our book and starting the next one. But, God had other plans, as I have said all along.

I am sad because my dreams have still not came true, my prayers for a healthy happy little miracle has yet to be answered. I am thankful because I have came so far, spiritually...Still working on my emotional thing, but its hard to always be so positive when it seems like the world around you is crashing down and all of your hopes and dreams are crashing down with it. It is hard when you have no choice but to let certain relationships go, even when its family, because it is toxic to your life, health, fertility, and your general emotional well being. People that are unhappy with their life will always try to make everyone else around them unhappy as well. And when you throw jealousy into the mix, a very long drawn out bout with jealousy, well....It makes for a very toxic area of your life and that had to go. I am thankful for this journey showing me who is real, who is with us on this journey, who is honest, caring, loving, supportive, who is there whether it is a good moment or a bad moment. Those that are genuinely there because they love us, not because they need a certain "feeling" out of a situation to make themselves look and feel like they accomplished something by being there for their own family when they need them. I am thankful for that.

I am thankful because I have been able to testify to God's grace and faithfulness. Even though I may not be pregnant yet (key word: YET), God has done major work in my life and if it wasn't for this journey, I wouldn't be where I am today. I have a long way to go, a very long way, but I am no where near where I used to be when I was living without my heart and my eyes focused on Him and His faithfulness.

Our journey may be coming to an end, as we are awaiting our Beta HCG test very soon (not offering the date because I wish to keep that one little tad bit of information "secret" until we know the result). I know that God already has His perfect plan all layed out for us, and He already knows if my miracle has arrived in my belly! Please continue to pray for us, because it is not over yet.

I will leave you with this verse that has really played on my heart recently. I have always felt like I needed to be a certain way, pray a certain way, think a certain way, etc etc etc...in order for God to be proud of me, hear my prayers, or even answer my prayers. Boy was I wrong!

Luke 17:6 says "And the Lord said, “If you had faith like a grain of mustard seed, you could say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be uprooted and planted in the sea,’ and it would obey you."

All we need a little bit of faith and BIG things can happen! Of course, it still will only happen in God's perfect timing!

Waiting our life away!

I know I have said this before but I think I spend more time in "waiting" than I do anything else. Well, besides doing laundry but that is a whole other story (a sad one too because it is only my husband and I in our home and he dirty's more laundry than a newborn I think). God makes us wait, not because he is punishing us, even though it seems that way, but He makes us wait because our lives are all based on His perfect timing for everything that happens. Nothing will come a moment too soon.

We had both of our IUI's last week and even though I was devastated that we only got 4.8 million sperm the first collection and 2.1 the second collection, no matter how many there are, even if only 1...God can make it happen with just that one perfect little sperm. I had 2 really good size follicles both over a 20 mm so that was fantastic. I was expecting more since we decided to go with the minimal stimulation cycle with Follistim however, it didn't work as I had planned. Really a waste of money on injections that didn't perform. But we live and we learn. At least now I know that I will not use these again if we are not recipients of that big fat positive this month.

Speaking of that BFP, we will find out next week...OMGoodness!! Next week. I only have this week and half of next week to contain the nerves...Even though that is not happening. I am a lot more at peace this cycle though. Not sure if I just realized that the last cycle being a failure literally almost killed me and ended with a hospital stay and a $35,000 hospital bill...or if God has finally answered my prayers for the worry to be wiped away. I am going with number 2 because God is good and He will always prevails over some stupid hospital stay! Even though I must say God was with me during that hospital stay. We found out some things that needed to be addressed, stress being one of those things and probably the most important. But anyone who has experienced this journey will tell you the same thing...It. Is. Stressful.

For now we are just waiting, once again! I have been reminding myself over and over again that God has even made some of the most important Biblical figures wait too. After all, Sarah was 90 years old and Abraham was 100 years old when she gave birth to their son Isaac. I pray God doesn't make me wait that long but just knowing that these Biblical figures waited so long before God gave them their miracle, gives me hope! If you too are in the "waiting" period for whatever it is you have been praying for, please know that God hears you (if you are his Child) and He will give you the desires of your heart in His timing, now yours. This is a big thing I have had to learn. It is all in God's perfect precious timing!

Please keep praying for us. We still have a little bit to wait to find out if our miracle has happened! Please pray specifically that my anxiety will not surface! Usually getting closer to the day and on the day of our test, I am a nervous wreck and I just pray that God will contain this and take it away from my body!! Thank you all so much for your prayers! Much love!! XOXO

Minor setback but we are still so blessed

Today we went in for our final ultrasound of the cycle...Needless to say it was such a blessing to see that we have one egg that is fully mature at 20mm and one that is 15mm, which still needs a little time (Follistim didn't really work like we planned)...My uterine lining is pretty thin right now, which is not so great. We are still scheduled for our IUI procedures tomorrow afternoon and Wednesday morning. I have to inject estrogen into my vagina (TMI but hey, that is what you have to do with it)  for the next 2 days (including today) to hopefully get my lining where it needs to be at an 8 so if our miracle does happen this month, it will have somewhere to hang out for the next 9 months.  Now I know how Khloe Kardashian feels with a thin uterine lining...Discouraged!!

I will do my HCG injection tonight to release my eggs to be on track for possible conception over the next 2 days. Please please, keep us in your prayers. I pray this is our last month on this roller coaster ride. I am so ready to finally be a Mommy and get this all over with! It has definitely been the longest, hardest 5 1/2 years of my life. Thank you all for thinking of us and for following along as we tackle one of the hardest journey's and obstacles anyone could face. I know this post was short, but there really isn't much to update on. I will not be on within the next couple of days, as I am in a lot of pain in my lower back and the nausea is kicking in. I will be in bed, to assure I do not get that yucky ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome I got last cycle.

I will leave you with this verse! One of my favorites that I have clung to during many of my worse days.

We continue to be blessed!

Each and every appointment we go to with our Reproductive Specialist is a blessing right in our face or one in disguise. On Friday January 10th we went in for our follow up ultrasound to check and see how many little eggs we have maturing on each ovary this month. One week ago today, I took my letrizol pills to jump start the growing process. I haven't felt 100% this week but it has been so much better than previous cycles with no nausea or anything. Praise the Lord, because I have been praying for a pain free, nausea free cycle! Hopefully it will continue.

The ultrasound from Friday was great. We have 3 maturing follicles (eggs) and one is almost mature but the others are needing an extra little push. That is on my left ovary. The right has a few smaller ones that most likely wont get fully mature but who am I to say what can or can't happen. My God is way bigger than anything and just like the last cycle we did, he can prevail in making these eggs mature way faster than the Doctors think. I will just let him do the work!

 So I started Follistim injections last night as well to just give them all that extra little push to get to growing! I have not done these as of yet so I have been kind of worried at how they would make me feel. Well, after last nights first and largest dose, I feel crampy which is expected and have been really tired and feeling ran down...Not sure if that is from the injection or the weather, probably a little of both but any way I put it, it is not nausea or severe pain so I am thankful for that!!

I will continue the Follistim every night until Tuesday when our IUI #1 is planned. I will go back in on Monday morning for my final ultrasound of the cycle to get the definite on how many mature little eggs we will have to work with. Or should I say, how many Brandon's little guys have to work with! Either way, we will know how many possible babies there may be! And that makes me excited. I know there will at the least be 3 that will be a perfect size for conception so you never know! If God see's that this is our time, triplets may be in order!! I have only asked God to bless us with ONE sweet little blessing and I would never ask for another one! And just to think that there is a chance that we could have multiples is such a huge blessing! God will not give me more than I can handle. Either way it goes, He will receive ALL of the glory and praise! After all, if it wasn't for God, we would never have made it this far!

 I feel that sometimes my family or my husbands family has NO idea what we go through and I was assured that recently. They have NO clue. Some just dont ask because honestly, they dont care and others just dont see it as a big deal. I have read so many posts on one of my Facebook groups that other people are having this same issue with family and friends so I just decided that I was not alone and that my family or my husbands family is not the only ones who have no idea. I was talking to a friend the other day and when asked about this whole process and how scary it is to think about all I could say is this is the worst experience I have ever been through, next to losing my Dad. The emotions, the stress, the wondering, the worry, the begging and pleading of God to just show you why or what the future holds and last but not least, the grief. Yes, I said it...Grief! Each and every month that you are doing a cycle with a fertility doctor, or taking medication given to you by your GYN, that you get a big fat negative test....It is a loss...That is the best way I can describe it! And I am not the only one who feels this way either. Fellow women who are experiencing this with me, feel the same way. Every month there is no positive test is a loss in our world. We grieve it just as if we have lost someone we love. "Why would you compare your fertility experience to losing a loved one?" some may ask....Well, unless you have experienced it yourselves, it is hard for you to question how we feel. Think about it this way, you go all month praying and praying for this one thing to happen. Then you actually get this feeling that "We may finally be pregnant!!" and you go about 2 weeks thinking you are...You trick yourself into thinking you are pregnant because you feel nauseous only due to your hormones getting ready to make you have your period....Your boobs get sore as all get out for the same reason but you get your hopes all up and think "this is it! We have to be pregnant! I have all the symptoms...nausea, sore boobs". Then you get excited! And when you get your period, or a negative at home pregnancy test or even worse, a call from your Reproductive Spec office saying "I am sorry I dont have good news. The cycle did not take this time.", you literally get an overwhelmingly strong feeling of total loss! Total and complete loss. You hang up the phone and cry for hours and hours....Inconsolable tears....

With all of that being said my friends and family, this journey has been one that I never want to be on again. One that I have no idea how I would have ever gotten this far, only with Jesus by my side. I do not wish Infertility on my worst enemy. It has been the absolute most horrible 5 years of my life. I am thankful though, because I was lead to accept Jesus Christ as my personal savior and I have met some amazing people that will remain lifelong friends of ours. I have been able to testify to how great and amazing our God is and continues to be to a wretch like me! Someone who talked bad about people and bad about myself....Someone who cursed and drank. Someone who was so angry at God for my Dad being taken away from us too soon...Someone who has been angry at God for not allowing me to have children yet but giving this complete blessing to those who don't deserve it at all....Jesus Christ has been here for me when family has not! Jesus Christ has been here for me even when my husband hasn't been. He makes us all promises that we can be reminded of each and every day if all we did was just read His word! He will not break those promises to us! I can't think of someone better to give your life too than someone who absolutely will never give up on you, will love you unconditionally no matter what you do, makes promises that He will actually keep and someone who has died for you so that you may live eternal life in Heaven and so your sins that you commit daily are wiped clean and are thrown as far as the east is to the west away from God's view. He forgives you for EVERYTHING you do as long as you ask for His forgiveness. Isn't that just amazing?? I think so! Which is exactly why I am thankful for this journey leading me to Him! Because no matter who thinks what, I can be a hippocrite in your eyes...I can be whatever you want me to be, but while you are suffering here on earth, I will be rejoicing in Heaven with my loved ones who have gone on before me! You can be there too!! All you have to do is ask Jesus to be your personal Lord and savior. Ask for him to forgive all of your sins and make you NEW! To come into your heart! Its an amazing feeling and to know that you will not perish but have everlasting life is an even more amazing feeling!!

I will leave you today with this. God's love never fails. It is eternal! Absolutely, without a doubt, I never would be where I am today if it wasn't for the love of Jesus Christ! I wouldn't be here writing this post or any other post for that matter. We wouldn't be this far on our journey if it wasn't for Jesus Christ having His hands on us and hearing every single prayer that has gone up for us! We are so thankful for each and every one of you that has prayed for us. Please continue to pray as we have a really stressful couple of days coming up then a super stressful 16 days to wait on our "test day". Thank you all and we love you!!

New Year~New Hope

Since today is January 1st 2014, I figured I would start the new year out with a new blog post. I have so much to be thankful for in 2013. So I just couldn't pass up an opportunity to show how awesome our God is and what He has done for me and my husband. After all, He should get all the glory in everything!

We started out the year with a new Reproductive Specialist thanks to a friend of mine referring us to him. I will forever be so grateful and thankful for this person and all of the information they have given me and for leading me to Dr. Lipari and his staff. I can remember to this day the feeling I had walking into this first appointment. I had a feeling that day that made me think our waiting 4 years had finally come to an end and we would be expecting our first miracle within a few months. Little did I know at that point, God had other plans and He already knew the path and pain I would experience during this time.

Over the past 11 months, I have gone through so many lab tests I can't even count...invasive procedures checking for reproductive issues, medications that have made me so very sick, a terrible upset stomach every single day since January 17th when I started an increased dosage of Metformin..., 2 failed cycles including 2  back to back IUI procedures and one timed intercourse cycle...A trip to the hospital only 15 hours after finding out that my dreams had not come true that month resulting in atrial fibrillation and tachycardia and a over night stay in the Progressive Care Unit. I have started counseling to learn to deal with my crazy life and to help me in my walk with Jesus! My husband and I together have recently within the last month and a half decided to attend marriage counseling with the same Christian counselor to help us learn to deal with the emotional toll infertility has on marriages, including our own. I would say this year has flown by, but to me it has taken its emotional toll on me and I am not sad to see 2013 go. It means I am another year older and still childless, but it also means a new year has come with new opportunities and new hope! So that makes me happy and gives me strength to keep going on this journey.

Some people often ask me why I put my personal life out there for the world to read. Well, to be honest, starting this blog back in February 2013 was the BEST thing I ever decided to do for many reasons. One being I get to "vent" my feelings without being face to face with someone who may not care or may not understand why I "feel" the way I do. Being able to type my feelings out is so very therapeutic for me and I absolutely feel I should've been a journalist or a writer as my profession because I love to write. The second reason I believe this has been the best thing I have ever done, is simply because it allows me to be a vessel for God to deliver a message to so many people that may have otherwise not received it. Since starting this blog, I have grown in my faith tremendously. It has given me the "practice what you preach" attitude and helps me to really see myself as the world see's me. And last but not least, I want to be able to let everyone know that is going through infertility themselves and the ones around us all that may or may not understand what it is or what it is like to be around someone who is battling infertility, well, I want to give an inside view into what is does emotionally, physically and  mentally to battle infertility. It is NOT easy and I think in the beginning some people including some of my own family, had absolutely NO idea what it was all about. It isn't just going to a doctor and getting some pills or having sperm injected into your vagina...And it definitely isn't just having someone "make" your baby in a laboratory somewhere in some doctors office....There is so much more to infertility treatments than any of that. And that has been my goal all along, to make sure people understand what it is like to walk in our shoes.


I will close by saying I have been so blessed by being able to bring our story to you. I love receiving comments and messages from all of my faithful readers and fellow infertility friends. I love to hear others' stories as well. I pray that 2014 will bring baby dust to myself and  all of my friends and people I don't even know who are battling infertility. I pray that in 2014, people who do not understand what someone who is battling infertility goes through, will come across my blog and be opened up to what the life of infertility brings. I pray that God will bless each and every one of you who read this blog. Keep praying for us, as we always need your prayers. Keep the faith and never lose hope because God has brought my husband and I this far after all of these years and I know He will do the same for all of you. Please feel free to email me at my century link email posted in my information section. I love to chat about our story and help in any way I can. I hope you all have a wonderful new year!!! Stay tuned for much more exciting things for us this year. It may not all be rainbows and ponies, sunny skies and beautiful flowers...But it is our life, our story, our journey! And with Jesus at the wheel who knows where we will go!!