I was going to do this as a Facebook status update but I decided that a blog post was more sufficient for the amount of information I am going to give you. Here goes nothing...
While riding to Walmart today by myself, I had plenty of time to think (which is what I usually do when riding in the car alone..IDK...I am weird like that I guess). The past few months have been really challenging for me and I have been bombarded with emotions and thoughts of what my life has been like...From an outside point of view...It is crazy to me how sometimes God gives us an "inside" look into our life and how we act. This has never happened to me before and a few weeks ago I was home alone and sitting on the couch when I just had this thought on how terrible I have been in the past...Today was another one of those days for me while riding to town...
I have not been a good friend, a good daughter, a good sister, a good Christian, a good wife, a good sister in law, a good daughter in law, a good granddaughter, a good niece, a good cousin....I have NOT been a good person in general over the past years... Buying people things no matter the amount or quantity, does NOT make you a good person! What I thought was "good" was not after all! I have missed weddings, parties, births, birthday parties of my friends children....I was NOT there when people needed me in that kind of way! That emotional/friendship kind of way. When my Dad passed away, ALL of my close friends were there at my grandparents house with me, grieving with me when I needed them all the most. I never re-payed them for being there for me. They were there at my Bridal Shower, when I needed them, and I never re-payed them for that. I should've been there at the bridal showers, the baby showers, the weddings, the birthdays, the births....All the days that were important to them. I wasn't there...And for all of you who are reading this and this was me in your life...I am ever so sorry. I am sorry I missed special days in your lives and in your children's lives. I am sorry our friendships dwindled because of my absence or because of my negligence in our friendship. All of our friendships were important to me and still are. You know who you are and I am publicly saying I am sorry for being a crappy person, a crappy friend.
Now, some of you may see this as weakness or as my conscience getting to me. Well let me say this...A few years ago, admitting I was wrong and saying "I am sorry" was not apart of who I was. Becoming a born again Christian changed me and changed my way of thinking....Most all, it changed my heart. You can say whatever you want about this post...It will not bother me. It takes a much stronger willed person to admit to their wrong doings and ask for forgiveness.
I too must apologize to my family...My side of the family has always been very close. My cousins, my brother and I have grown up on the same piece of property with our family. We have been next door ever since I can remember. My grandparents and my Aunt have been there for me through my entire life for everything. And I could never repay them for their encouragement and love. My Mom has always provided for my brother and I and I could never repay her for her sacrifices. My brother, he is my heart and soul! Ever since my Dad passed away, our family has been like a loose cannon. You never know when one of us will get angry over nothing and blow up. You never know what to say because you are afraid it will make someone upset or angry. I have had a place in all of this too...It has made me angry that our lives changed so quickly. When someone you love so dearly is tragically torn from your life...well, sometimes it takes a long time to figure out how to live a normal life without anger, guilt and sadness being so prominent. These things never go away, ever, but life becomes "tolerable" and the huge amount of sadness turns into a numbness...You just learn to deal with it. I am sorry to my family for being angry, intolerable, rude, sad and outspoken. I know I have been not so nice to be around for many years. I am sorry for this. You all mean the world to me and I am so thankful for each one of you in my life.
To my husband whom I love more than anything...I am sorry for being absolutely terrible. Death, infertility, adjusting to marriage, school, failure...It all plays a role in who I am and I do not want these things to make me a bad person. I have allowed them to make me a terrible, intolerable, short tempered person. Our marriage has suffered and I am sorry for allowing it. Brandon has been my rock from the first day I met him. He was loving and caring and everything I wasn't, even as a high school teenager. I was never a really loving, caring person. I was rude, outspoken and always joked about things that were inappropriate and I look back now and see just how terrible I was even then, back 12 years ago. But even then, Brandon loved me and cared for me and did anything in the whole world for me. He gave up football after graduation because he didn't want to leave me and he was afraid we wouldn't stay together if he went off to school to play football....Not an easy thing for me to digest and to think about and I honestly think he was not smart for making that decision...But he loved me that much to give up his dream of playing college football. To this day, he allows me to stay at home and focus on our dreams of becoming "Mommy and Daddy" and to go back to school and finish my degree. He works to take care of us and I'm ever so thankful and blessed to say the least, that God gave me someone so amazing to spend the rest of my life with.
Now, why put this on a blog about "infertility"....? Well, going through infertility for the past 5 years and losing my Dad over 5 years ago has gotten me here...It has gotten me to TODAY....Life is about forgiving, asking for forgiveness, saying you are sorry when you are wrong, making positive changes, having friends, being faithful to God in all things....Admitting I am wrong is another step for me in making those positive changes in my life. Living a life of anger, being rude, outspoken, jealousy, sadness, etc....is not what life is about. Give God the opportunity to change you! Its the first step! As I sit back and look at who I was in the past, and who I am today I can see a major difference. Some may say I have a long way to go and I will agree with that. We all have a long way to go. Living in Christ is not easy, it is a daily struggle. It will always be a journey. But for those that know me now and knew me and how I acted years ago, know that for me to apologize for hurting someone, being rude or obnoxious, completely intolerable and definitely NOT Christ-like,...Well, that is a HUGE step for me! And I hope those of you who this post is geared towards know that this is ME! This who I am and who God made! I am by no means perfect, but I am ME! I am again sorry for missing out on very important life events, those I was invited too and those there were no invites sent out for...I am sorry. To my family, I am sorry for everything. Sorry for being crappy!
I love you all and I pray you will all look at your own life and just see if there is someone who you have hurt, offended or just plain "forgot" about...Look and see if there is someone who deserves an apology from you. The moral of the story: Life is too short to hold grudges, be rude, hurt people, offend people and just be plain mean and thoughtless. Jesus did not die on that cross so tragically, for us to sit and be this way. We are to be kind, caring, have love and compassion for one another and help each other. We are to forgive each other of our wrong doings. As hard as it is and has been for me, going to church and learning more about Christ and what it is to be a Christian has been the biggest and best thing that has happened in my life. After all, God gave me this life and I was not living it the way He would approve of. Its a new year for all of us, so lets make the best of it and live it to the fullest with those we love! You never know when your last moment may be on this earth or when someone you love may be taken from you!
I will leave you with this verse out of the Bible:
2 Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!"
I am so thankful for this opportunity to share this with you and most of all to show that it is okay to admit you are wrong! Stay tuned for more on our journey! We started our treatment cycle on Dec 26th! Everything looked great on ultrasound and I took my last birth control pill last night! So now I just wait for my monthly visitor (aka: Flow) to start over the next few days then I will start the medications! I am more positive about this cycle at this time, than I have been over the past year. Please continue to pray for us as we go through this treatment cycle. It will be more aggressive and I pray there will be no complications like last month! Love you all!!!
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Monday, December 9, 2013
This right here...Is God at work my friends!
When I tell you that God surely works in mysterious ways, for the best for us in all He does...I couldn't be a better example if I tried (which I haven't and that makes it miraculous).
About 12 weeks ago or maybe a little less than that, I went to my PCP just because I had a sinus infection and needed some medicine. My PCP was out on maternity leave (go figure, right?) so I had to see another one of the Doctors that day that I had never seen before. Right as she walks in she asked me why I was there and I told her and she started immediately on some rant about how I needed to be tested for MTHFR gene mutation. WHAT????!!! I was kind of thrown off being I was there for a sinus infection. She explained herself and how it could be the reason for my heart issues (high BP), apnea, INFERTILITY, and many other issues I do not have symptoms of. I just knew that she was in there trying to make money, because she said insurance doesn't cover it and it can be costly. Right then and there I just blew it off. She gave me a sticky note with the name of the disorder on it and told me to give it to my reproductive specialist and have him check into it....
Well, on November 7th when we met with Dr. Lipari (our reproductive specialist) I asked him about it. Just because, I am sick and tired of waiting and waiting (waiting and waiting....and more waiting) to figure out this infertility stuff. I keep getting told there is no reason for "me" to not be getting pregnant other than Brandon's sperm count being so low. Well, with the IUI I feel that there is more to it than just a low sperm count. I mean, I had 3 good size mature follicles and he gave 3 million sperm...And it didn't work. So, I just thought to myself, it doesn't hurt to ask. I have nothing to lose at this point.
Well, needless to say, I am thankful to God that in that one visit with that PCP I just knew was trying to get me to do some pointless testing just to benefit their "research" or whatever they are working on, told me about this MTHFR mutation....And I am thankful to God that I questioned Dr. Lipari about it on our last visit and he ordered the testing.
I unfortunately have 2 genetic mutations...Yes 2....As I was told today, there is a chance I could never carry a baby on my own without the help of medication to ensure I can get to full term and even then they cannot say it will actually happen (who can, I mean, God is bigger than any and all Doctors). My body does not make Folate (folic acid or Vitamin B9) which is needed to make sure women do not have miscarriage. The Dr told me today that they only test for this genetic disorder in Mother's who have lost 2 or more pregnancies!!!!! Now for those that do not believe in God, this right here is God at work in my life!!! I would never have been able to emotionally handle losing 2 or more babies....not even one. And had I not mentioned this to our doctor, I never would've been tested for it. Even though I got some awful news, I am so thankful I did not have to experience miscarriage before something was done about this genetic disorder. I will be taking 6 times the normal amount of Folate via prescription until I get pregnant and then at that point there are other things they will have to do in order to assist in me carrying the baby full term without miscarriage or very premature birth, etc.
As of right now, Brandon will have labs drawn in about 2 weeks (somewhere around Dec 19th) which will tell the Doctors whether or not the medication is working in Brandon to make his sperm plentiful. We are still on for another cycle in about 2 weeks, but we shall see exactly what happens around that time. I think they are really on the fence about doing a cycle right now with me but I believe and have faith in a God that is bigger than any Doctor. And since we have found the issues, I believe it can be watched and handled as needed. As sad and angry I have been in the past weeks, I still have faith that it will happen in God's time and God is the ultimate physician! Therefore, no matter what genetic mutation or any other issue there may be, God is bigger than that!
Let me leave you with this. Over the past 5 years, I have cried so many tears, been so very angry to a point that I dont even know myself anymore, took out my emotions on the one person who loves me no matter what (my husband) and who is there for me no matter what, blamed God, blamed my Dad...You name it, I have experienced it...Now today as I sit here and think back over the past years, God was at work the entire time. God knows my heart and He knows I cannot emotionally handle losing a baby. And had I gotten pregnant before now, I would have most likely miscarried since I have a lack of folate and a my body doesn't know what to do with it when I get it from food, vitamins etc... This my friends, is what I call a blessing. A blessing in disguise. I am so thankful that even when I feel I am done with this journey, when I feel I want off of this roller coaster ride, God is there in shining armor protecting me and letting me know He is there! How can you not have faith in God when you experience this first hand? It isn't coincidence people. Nothing is "coincidence" with God! So, as I have said before, cry....be angry....but get up, dust yourself off and keep going! God isn't finished with you and He most definitely isn't finished with me. For any of you experiencing this right along with me, ask your Doctor about MTHFR mutation. It may help solve many unanswered questions in your journey as well!! And it may save your baby's life!! That is the only way I can see it! This has saved my baby's life!!!!!!
Please keep the prayers coming. I do not know what the coming weeks may hold for me and this journey. I pray that each of you reading this, will leave it with a message of hope! Love you all!! Thank you for showing your support and love to me through this! That says so much, as we have some close to us that could care less to know anything about this very difficult journey! Thank you for the prayers!!
About 12 weeks ago or maybe a little less than that, I went to my PCP just because I had a sinus infection and needed some medicine. My PCP was out on maternity leave (go figure, right?) so I had to see another one of the Doctors that day that I had never seen before. Right as she walks in she asked me why I was there and I told her and she started immediately on some rant about how I needed to be tested for MTHFR gene mutation. WHAT????!!! I was kind of thrown off being I was there for a sinus infection. She explained herself and how it could be the reason for my heart issues (high BP), apnea, INFERTILITY, and many other issues I do not have symptoms of. I just knew that she was in there trying to make money, because she said insurance doesn't cover it and it can be costly. Right then and there I just blew it off. She gave me a sticky note with the name of the disorder on it and told me to give it to my reproductive specialist and have him check into it....
Well, on November 7th when we met with Dr. Lipari (our reproductive specialist) I asked him about it. Just because, I am sick and tired of waiting and waiting (waiting and waiting....and more waiting) to figure out this infertility stuff. I keep getting told there is no reason for "me" to not be getting pregnant other than Brandon's sperm count being so low. Well, with the IUI I feel that there is more to it than just a low sperm count. I mean, I had 3 good size mature follicles and he gave 3 million sperm...And it didn't work. So, I just thought to myself, it doesn't hurt to ask. I have nothing to lose at this point.
Well, needless to say, I am thankful to God that in that one visit with that PCP I just knew was trying to get me to do some pointless testing just to benefit their "research" or whatever they are working on, told me about this MTHFR mutation....And I am thankful to God that I questioned Dr. Lipari about it on our last visit and he ordered the testing.
I unfortunately have 2 genetic mutations...Yes 2....As I was told today, there is a chance I could never carry a baby on my own without the help of medication to ensure I can get to full term and even then they cannot say it will actually happen (who can, I mean, God is bigger than any and all Doctors). My body does not make Folate (folic acid or Vitamin B9) which is needed to make sure women do not have miscarriage. The Dr told me today that they only test for this genetic disorder in Mother's who have lost 2 or more pregnancies!!!!! Now for those that do not believe in God, this right here is God at work in my life!!! I would never have been able to emotionally handle losing 2 or more babies....not even one. And had I not mentioned this to our doctor, I never would've been tested for it. Even though I got some awful news, I am so thankful I did not have to experience miscarriage before something was done about this genetic disorder. I will be taking 6 times the normal amount of Folate via prescription until I get pregnant and then at that point there are other things they will have to do in order to assist in me carrying the baby full term without miscarriage or very premature birth, etc.
As of right now, Brandon will have labs drawn in about 2 weeks (somewhere around Dec 19th) which will tell the Doctors whether or not the medication is working in Brandon to make his sperm plentiful. We are still on for another cycle in about 2 weeks, but we shall see exactly what happens around that time. I think they are really on the fence about doing a cycle right now with me but I believe and have faith in a God that is bigger than any Doctor. And since we have found the issues, I believe it can be watched and handled as needed. As sad and angry I have been in the past weeks, I still have faith that it will happen in God's time and God is the ultimate physician! Therefore, no matter what genetic mutation or any other issue there may be, God is bigger than that!
Let me leave you with this. Over the past 5 years, I have cried so many tears, been so very angry to a point that I dont even know myself anymore, took out my emotions on the one person who loves me no matter what (my husband) and who is there for me no matter what, blamed God, blamed my Dad...You name it, I have experienced it...Now today as I sit here and think back over the past years, God was at work the entire time. God knows my heart and He knows I cannot emotionally handle losing a baby. And had I gotten pregnant before now, I would have most likely miscarried since I have a lack of folate and a my body doesn't know what to do with it when I get it from food, vitamins etc... This my friends, is what I call a blessing. A blessing in disguise. I am so thankful that even when I feel I am done with this journey, when I feel I want off of this roller coaster ride, God is there in shining armor protecting me and letting me know He is there! How can you not have faith in God when you experience this first hand? It isn't coincidence people. Nothing is "coincidence" with God! So, as I have said before, cry....be angry....but get up, dust yourself off and keep going! God isn't finished with you and He most definitely isn't finished with me. For any of you experiencing this right along with me, ask your Doctor about MTHFR mutation. It may help solve many unanswered questions in your journey as well!! And it may save your baby's life!! That is the only way I can see it! This has saved my baby's life!!!!!!
Please keep the prayers coming. I do not know what the coming weeks may hold for me and this journey. I pray that each of you reading this, will leave it with a message of hope! Love you all!! Thank you for showing your support and love to me through this! That says so much, as we have some close to us that could care less to know anything about this very difficult journey! Thank you for the prayers!!
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
My missing "Joy"...
Every year for the last, I'd say 6 years (since before Brandon and I got married), we would go shopping together for our family for Christmas. Every year as we go through all the sales ads for Black Friday, etc...We would sit and talk about how much awesome stuff we could get for our baby! And every year, as we go through those ads, we say this same line "Hopefully next year we will be buying for our very own baby and will get to add a new family ornament to our tree...". Little did we know all those years ago, 6 + years later we would still be saying that same line...
Over the past year, I would say this journey has taken its toll on me...I went into our first appointment with our new doctor January of this year and I just knew in my heart that I would be pregnant in a couple of months with his help. After going to a Specialist for more than 3 years that didn't want to help us, only wanted our money, I just knew that this was our answer to a long time prayer. I just knew that this year, Christmas was going to be so much different for us. Life as we knew it, would be so much different, I just knew it. I was giddy, excited, nervous...Now, almost 1 year later (with the new specialist) and I am not giddy, excited or nervous about anything. I am sad, worried and I catch myself feeling hopeless some days. And when the holidays come around, it makes it all the more sad for me...
Christmas was my Dad's favorite. He loved waking us up on Christmas morning. I think most Christmas mornings, my Dad was more excited than we kids were. Christmas is hard for me anyways, because I miss such a huge part of my life so very much that it kills me. I miss living at home and waking up Christmas morning with my family (mom, dad and brother). As I look back over the past years, so many things have changed in our life. So very many things. It really seems so unfair. There is no other way to explain it. I do believe that if some people only knew the struggles that I face, they would be a little more considerate...maybe a little more understanding. But for those that have never been smacked in the face by tragedy, after tragedy (literally 3 years apart), for those who have never dealt with infertility for more than 5 years, for those that have never walked a mile in my shoes....Its hard to be judgmental of my life.
I struggle on a daily basis to keep my faith up! I know and I believe from the bottom of my heart and soul that God loves me and God has a plan for me and Brandon. I truly believe that God is going to bless us far beyond measure. My biggest down fall is wondering "when" this will happen...I know that God is using me...He is truly using me and I feel it all the time. That alone is such a huge blessing to me.
As I sit and look at all of the beautiful new babies, new family Christmas pictures, Baby's first Christmas pictures, etc etc etc....I can't help but be so very sad...So very sad that yet another Christmas is passing by and we still do not have our precious little miracle...I can't help but be envious of everyone getting to enjoy the journey of motherhood, those that appreciate it anyways (not the ones who take advantage of it). It isn't just about getting to take Christmas pictures or shop for cute baby toys and clothes for Christmas...There is so much more to it. Christmas is a time for joy and happiness. A time to spend with family and celebrate the birth of Jesus. Growing up I can remember the excitement and pure joy of Christmas time. I do not feel that this year...It makes me sad because this is my favorite time of year and I want nothing more than to share the joy and magic of Christmas with our very own child. But, I know that God will get me through this. He will give me the desires of my heart, if I pray in His name and if I stay faithful, but only in His timing. I just really wish that His timing was now.
So, anyways...enough of the pity party. I must move on from another disappointing "plan" I had for myself last year this time. But, I will say it again...Hopefully and prayerfully, next Christmas season we will be celebrating the birth of Jesus and the birth of our precious miracle or miracles...We shall see!! For now I leave you with this bit of advice...
It is okay to feel sad. It is okay to cry and be angry. God knows that we are sad because our hearts are missing a piece of something we believe to be the one thing that will make us happy and whole! But really, if we all just remember that God loves us, and if we put our faith and hope in Him, we will be happy and whole. He truly loves us so much that He sent his only son to die for us. I mean honestly, what man do you know today, that will be crucified on a cross, beaten to almost unnoticeable, all because he wanted to make sure our sins are forever forgiven?? I can tell you, I know absolutely no man that would do that. Except Jesus!! Jesus died so that we can live happy, healthy, faith filled, Christ centered lives. All for us! And when we actually think it out loud like that, that my friends is unconditional love. I may want a baby so bad that it is killing me. And God wants that for me too. But not a moment too soon. All of the follicles I have had in the past, well, those were not my baby! Not one of those were God's choice for my little miracle. And I have to keep the faith and know that one day, God will give me the one and only thing I want in my life...pure joy of being a Mommy, pure unconditional love.I will look at that same TV monitor that I have looked at for almost 12 months now, and I will see our precious miracle finally! So, have your cry and feel sorry for yourself. Its okay. But get up, shake it off and smile. Thank God for the tears. They make you stronger...They make you who you are! And they are shaping your testimony! Love you all!
A little tidbit...I will go back to the Doctor next week. To decide on the date for our next IUI cycle. Since there are a lot of new medications being brought into the mix now, there are a lot more dates to plan out. They will also go over the results of my genetic testing...Please keep us in your prayers. We continually need them!
Over the past year, I would say this journey has taken its toll on me...I went into our first appointment with our new doctor January of this year and I just knew in my heart that I would be pregnant in a couple of months with his help. After going to a Specialist for more than 3 years that didn't want to help us, only wanted our money, I just knew that this was our answer to a long time prayer. I just knew that this year, Christmas was going to be so much different for us. Life as we knew it, would be so much different, I just knew it. I was giddy, excited, nervous...Now, almost 1 year later (with the new specialist) and I am not giddy, excited or nervous about anything. I am sad, worried and I catch myself feeling hopeless some days. And when the holidays come around, it makes it all the more sad for me...
Christmas was my Dad's favorite. He loved waking us up on Christmas morning. I think most Christmas mornings, my Dad was more excited than we kids were. Christmas is hard for me anyways, because I miss such a huge part of my life so very much that it kills me. I miss living at home and waking up Christmas morning with my family (mom, dad and brother). As I look back over the past years, so many things have changed in our life. So very many things. It really seems so unfair. There is no other way to explain it. I do believe that if some people only knew the struggles that I face, they would be a little more considerate...maybe a little more understanding. But for those that have never been smacked in the face by tragedy, after tragedy (literally 3 years apart), for those who have never dealt with infertility for more than 5 years, for those that have never walked a mile in my shoes....Its hard to be judgmental of my life.
I struggle on a daily basis to keep my faith up! I know and I believe from the bottom of my heart and soul that God loves me and God has a plan for me and Brandon. I truly believe that God is going to bless us far beyond measure. My biggest down fall is wondering "when" this will happen...I know that God is using me...He is truly using me and I feel it all the time. That alone is such a huge blessing to me.
As I sit and look at all of the beautiful new babies, new family Christmas pictures, Baby's first Christmas pictures, etc etc etc....I can't help but be so very sad...So very sad that yet another Christmas is passing by and we still do not have our precious little miracle...I can't help but be envious of everyone getting to enjoy the journey of motherhood, those that appreciate it anyways (not the ones who take advantage of it). It isn't just about getting to take Christmas pictures or shop for cute baby toys and clothes for Christmas...There is so much more to it. Christmas is a time for joy and happiness. A time to spend with family and celebrate the birth of Jesus. Growing up I can remember the excitement and pure joy of Christmas time. I do not feel that this year...It makes me sad because this is my favorite time of year and I want nothing more than to share the joy and magic of Christmas with our very own child. But, I know that God will get me through this. He will give me the desires of my heart, if I pray in His name and if I stay faithful, but only in His timing. I just really wish that His timing was now.
So, anyways...enough of the pity party. I must move on from another disappointing "plan" I had for myself last year this time. But, I will say it again...Hopefully and prayerfully, next Christmas season we will be celebrating the birth of Jesus and the birth of our precious miracle or miracles...We shall see!! For now I leave you with this bit of advice...
It is okay to feel sad. It is okay to cry and be angry. God knows that we are sad because our hearts are missing a piece of something we believe to be the one thing that will make us happy and whole! But really, if we all just remember that God loves us, and if we put our faith and hope in Him, we will be happy and whole. He truly loves us so much that He sent his only son to die for us. I mean honestly, what man do you know today, that will be crucified on a cross, beaten to almost unnoticeable, all because he wanted to make sure our sins are forever forgiven?? I can tell you, I know absolutely no man that would do that. Except Jesus!! Jesus died so that we can live happy, healthy, faith filled, Christ centered lives. All for us! And when we actually think it out loud like that, that my friends is unconditional love. I may want a baby so bad that it is killing me. And God wants that for me too. But not a moment too soon. All of the follicles I have had in the past, well, those were not my baby! Not one of those were God's choice for my little miracle. And I have to keep the faith and know that one day, God will give me the one and only thing I want in my life...pure joy of being a Mommy, pure unconditional love.I will look at that same TV monitor that I have looked at for almost 12 months now, and I will see our precious miracle finally! So, have your cry and feel sorry for yourself. Its okay. But get up, shake it off and smile. Thank God for the tears. They make you stronger...They make you who you are! And they are shaping your testimony! Love you all!
A little tidbit...I will go back to the Doctor next week. To decide on the date for our next IUI cycle. Since there are a lot of new medications being brought into the mix now, there are a lot more dates to plan out. They will also go over the results of my genetic testing...Please keep us in your prayers. We continually need them!
Thursday, November 21, 2013
The Waiting Room of Life
Well hello!!! Its been a while! Almost a month...I know, I know...I said I would be blogging more but I have had the most emotional, stressful, blah blah blah last 4 weeks...I haven't been this bad in a long time. But, it is time for me to come out of the dumps and move on with LIFE...
LIFE...Life without a baby right now...Life trying to figure out the answers I will never know this side of Heaven....Life questioning things I know I shouldn't...Life of prayer...Life of unspeakable amounts of faith...Life of wanting something so bad it literally consumes every aspect of this thing....called...Life...
Yes...I am moving on with life...MY LIFE!
As hard as it is to say, I am at a peace with the fact that after our BFN (big fat negative) on October 23, we are now having to wait 6 weeks to even think about moving on to another cycle. After our BFN, I just knew that it was God saying "NEVER in a million years will you be a Mother"...But after I collected myself a little bit I knew he was only saying "Not yet my sweet dear Child". God makes us wait for numerous reasons. Reasons we will never understand, right now. Abraham had to wait 100 years for a baby...100 years!!! God could have given him a baby at the drop of a dime...But He didn't. Could you imagine being 100 years old and raising a newborn? God knew it would be physically impossible but our God is so amazing that no matter the physical impairments Abraham may have had, God made him a father! Because God can do that people!!!! If He can do that for Abraham, He can do that for me too!!! He made Hannah wait and then finally gave her a child of her own as well!! So, the moral of the story...If the people of the Bible had to wait, then I guess I will be okay from having to wait too! I am no better than they were!
On November 7th, we had another appointment but this time it was with Dr Lipari for another plan of treatment...Yes, ANOTHER plan of treatment...We had to discuss our options from here on out since the past cycles have not worked. I went into that appointment with a whole new outlook on it. (November 5th, I started going to a Christian counselor to help me learn to deal with this whole thing I like to call life...Let me tell you, it was the hardest decision but the best decision I have ever made for myself and my marriage in my whole life!! I am not ashamed, I am not sick, I am not weak by no means..) I was calm, positive/optimistic and hopeful rather than upset, crying, pessimistic and negative. I did not leave crying or upset my no means from this appointment and I must say it was a first for me. Every appointment we have had with one of the "big guys" aka Dr. Lipari, I have left hopeful but so upset at the road we have had to take to get where we are today. So anyways, Dr. Lipari told us that the reason for us not getting pregnant did not have anything to do with me and my body. I respond very well to the oral medication and the trigger injection to release my eggs. However, Brandon has quit responding to his injections he gives himself 2 times a week...Brandon's sperm count had gone back down to 3 million and 2.8 million at its lowest on the final day of our IUI. He told us that usually they dont even do an IUI on anything less than 2 million because the chances of conception are slim to none. I was devastated and by the look on my husbands face, he was scared and devastated too. He has always blamed himself for us not having a baby yet. And this in some way confirmed his fears and his worries. But Dr. Lipari told us that with another medication they can get it back to the 129 million plus it was a few months ago at his last semen analysis. He said that the normal for Brandon would be 40 to 60 million sperm after they wash them and do the IUI. So for Brandon, he now has to take another medication to increase the quality and number of sperm for 6 weeks (from November 7th) and then we can go directly into another IUI cycle.
For me, I just have to focus on the No Carb thing...yeah yeah right here at Thanksgiving...I am totally bummed but I am not gonna let it get me in the dumps...I will still enjoy some of the holiday treats and goodies but I will have to focus on the nutrition all other times until we get this thing started. Over the period of the past 7 weeks I have gained 7 lbs of my weight back...Mainly from being an emotional eater. I have always been and will always be an emotional eater....Its just who I am...Food is a comfort for me, junk food that is...But who doesn't love junk food. I am also being tested for a genetic disorder that is caused from a malfunctioning MTHFR Gene. It should be producing folate which is something all women need in order to have normal, healthy pregnancies and not miscarriages or infertility all together. When this gene is not working, instead of producing folate, large amounts of Homosysteine are in the body. This apparently is not good. If I do have this genetic disorder, it could possibly explain my heart issues (high blood pressure, atrial fibrillation) and some of the fertility issues I started out with along with many other things. We are just waiting on those results now too. Dr. Lipari also said that they will give me a series of injections and oral medications this next cycle which is similiar to the medications they give during an IVF cycle...I am pretty scared because of the way I respond to the medications he has already given me...But anything for my sweet little Angel(s). They want to make sure I have PLENTY of mature follicles...when I say plenty I mean more than 4...Yes, more than 4 follicles...The chances for multiple will increase to about 60%. But I am okay with that. Whatever God gives us! And there still may only be one that will take! And that is perfect too! I am not picky at this point! I just want a healthy, happy baby or babies! And I want to be healthy enough to raise them! So, whatever I have to do to get them here, I will do! It will not be easy, as it hasn't been this whole process. But it will be more than worth the wait when it's all over!
One of the things my therapist told me is that until I put God before infertility and the "want" for a baby, He may never give me a baby...And you know, I believe this! For over 5 years now I have literally let the "want" for a baby consume every aspect of my life. I missed out on my best friends having their babies, their kids birthday parties, weddings, showers...Everything...I was too caught up in it to put my emotions aside and be the friend I should have been. I avoided the baby section of every store and I cried every time I saw a show or a movie and someone either got pregnant or gave birth. I mean hysterically cried. I have not been able to watch A Baby Story at all. This has literally controlled my whole life! But anyways, God wants to be first in our lives, before all other things. After all, He did die a terrible, gruesome death on a cross for my sins so that I may have everlasting life!! She also told me that I needed to pray to God, that even if He doesn't give us a baby of our own, we will still be okay. For a long time I felt that if I never got pregnant I just didn't want to even live anymore. I just thought "what's the point if I can't be a Mommy?" I was so caught up in having a baby of my own that I didn't really care about the other options. And now that I come to think of it, I have been "okay" the last 5 years without a baby. I will be "okay" without one if God does not give us one of our own. I will be upset of course and I will always wonder why, but we will be okay. So actually admitting this was a huge step for me and for Brandon. Did I say I am soooooooo very thankful I was led to this therapist!!! Best. Thing. Ever!
For now, we wait until the week of Christmas for anything else to happen! Then I will be on 10 days of oral contraceptives and on with the cycle from there. So about the second week in January we will be scheduled for our IUI's. By the end of January we will know if one of the little follicles I will be growing, was meant to be our little bundle of complete and utter joy! Please, please, please keep us in your prayers. We really need them for Brandon's sperm count to come up, for the new medication regimen they plan on giving me to work wonders in the follicle department, and for God to bless us this time with our answered prayer, our Angel(s)!
Thank you all so much for thinking of us and for reading my blog posts. I am just completely humbled by the feedback and response I have received from women just like me, women who want nothing more than to be a Mommy but God has other plans right now for them as well. God is telling them to "wait" just as He is telling me. I am so thankful that by me simply sharing our journey, our experience, my thoughts and worries, I am able to help others along their journey too. None of us are alone! God is always with us first of all, but we are all in this together! Do not be ashamed to share your story! God is using you and you don't even know it. Our trials are meant to be shared with even just one person. You never know who's life you may change, who you may lead to Christ! Don't give up! We are only in a "waiting room" of life!!!
LIFE...Life without a baby right now...Life trying to figure out the answers I will never know this side of Heaven....Life questioning things I know I shouldn't...Life of prayer...Life of unspeakable amounts of faith...Life of wanting something so bad it literally consumes every aspect of this thing....called...Life...
Yes...I am moving on with life...MY LIFE!
As hard as it is to say, I am at a peace with the fact that after our BFN (big fat negative) on October 23, we are now having to wait 6 weeks to even think about moving on to another cycle. After our BFN, I just knew that it was God saying "NEVER in a million years will you be a Mother"...But after I collected myself a little bit I knew he was only saying "Not yet my sweet dear Child". God makes us wait for numerous reasons. Reasons we will never understand, right now. Abraham had to wait 100 years for a baby...100 years!!! God could have given him a baby at the drop of a dime...But He didn't. Could you imagine being 100 years old and raising a newborn? God knew it would be physically impossible but our God is so amazing that no matter the physical impairments Abraham may have had, God made him a father! Because God can do that people!!!! If He can do that for Abraham, He can do that for me too!!! He made Hannah wait and then finally gave her a child of her own as well!! So, the moral of the story...If the people of the Bible had to wait, then I guess I will be okay from having to wait too! I am no better than they were!
On November 7th, we had another appointment but this time it was with Dr Lipari for another plan of treatment...Yes, ANOTHER plan of treatment...We had to discuss our options from here on out since the past cycles have not worked. I went into that appointment with a whole new outlook on it. (November 5th, I started going to a Christian counselor to help me learn to deal with this whole thing I like to call life...Let me tell you, it was the hardest decision but the best decision I have ever made for myself and my marriage in my whole life!! I am not ashamed, I am not sick, I am not weak by no means..) I was calm, positive/optimistic and hopeful rather than upset, crying, pessimistic and negative. I did not leave crying or upset my no means from this appointment and I must say it was a first for me. Every appointment we have had with one of the "big guys" aka Dr. Lipari, I have left hopeful but so upset at the road we have had to take to get where we are today. So anyways, Dr. Lipari told us that the reason for us not getting pregnant did not have anything to do with me and my body. I respond very well to the oral medication and the trigger injection to release my eggs. However, Brandon has quit responding to his injections he gives himself 2 times a week...Brandon's sperm count had gone back down to 3 million and 2.8 million at its lowest on the final day of our IUI. He told us that usually they dont even do an IUI on anything less than 2 million because the chances of conception are slim to none. I was devastated and by the look on my husbands face, he was scared and devastated too. He has always blamed himself for us not having a baby yet. And this in some way confirmed his fears and his worries. But Dr. Lipari told us that with another medication they can get it back to the 129 million plus it was a few months ago at his last semen analysis. He said that the normal for Brandon would be 40 to 60 million sperm after they wash them and do the IUI. So for Brandon, he now has to take another medication to increase the quality and number of sperm for 6 weeks (from November 7th) and then we can go directly into another IUI cycle.
For me, I just have to focus on the No Carb thing...yeah yeah right here at Thanksgiving...I am totally bummed but I am not gonna let it get me in the dumps...I will still enjoy some of the holiday treats and goodies but I will have to focus on the nutrition all other times until we get this thing started. Over the period of the past 7 weeks I have gained 7 lbs of my weight back...Mainly from being an emotional eater. I have always been and will always be an emotional eater....Its just who I am...Food is a comfort for me, junk food that is...But who doesn't love junk food. I am also being tested for a genetic disorder that is caused from a malfunctioning MTHFR Gene. It should be producing folate which is something all women need in order to have normal, healthy pregnancies and not miscarriages or infertility all together. When this gene is not working, instead of producing folate, large amounts of Homosysteine are in the body. This apparently is not good. If I do have this genetic disorder, it could possibly explain my heart issues (high blood pressure, atrial fibrillation) and some of the fertility issues I started out with along with many other things. We are just waiting on those results now too. Dr. Lipari also said that they will give me a series of injections and oral medications this next cycle which is similiar to the medications they give during an IVF cycle...I am pretty scared because of the way I respond to the medications he has already given me...But anything for my sweet little Angel(s). They want to make sure I have PLENTY of mature follicles...when I say plenty I mean more than 4...Yes, more than 4 follicles...The chances for multiple will increase to about 60%. But I am okay with that. Whatever God gives us! And there still may only be one that will take! And that is perfect too! I am not picky at this point! I just want a healthy, happy baby or babies! And I want to be healthy enough to raise them! So, whatever I have to do to get them here, I will do! It will not be easy, as it hasn't been this whole process. But it will be more than worth the wait when it's all over!
One of the things my therapist told me is that until I put God before infertility and the "want" for a baby, He may never give me a baby...And you know, I believe this! For over 5 years now I have literally let the "want" for a baby consume every aspect of my life. I missed out on my best friends having their babies, their kids birthday parties, weddings, showers...Everything...I was too caught up in it to put my emotions aside and be the friend I should have been. I avoided the baby section of every store and I cried every time I saw a show or a movie and someone either got pregnant or gave birth. I mean hysterically cried. I have not been able to watch A Baby Story at all. This has literally controlled my whole life! But anyways, God wants to be first in our lives, before all other things. After all, He did die a terrible, gruesome death on a cross for my sins so that I may have everlasting life!! She also told me that I needed to pray to God, that even if He doesn't give us a baby of our own, we will still be okay. For a long time I felt that if I never got pregnant I just didn't want to even live anymore. I just thought "what's the point if I can't be a Mommy?" I was so caught up in having a baby of my own that I didn't really care about the other options. And now that I come to think of it, I have been "okay" the last 5 years without a baby. I will be "okay" without one if God does not give us one of our own. I will be upset of course and I will always wonder why, but we will be okay. So actually admitting this was a huge step for me and for Brandon. Did I say I am soooooooo very thankful I was led to this therapist!!! Best. Thing. Ever!
For now, we wait until the week of Christmas for anything else to happen! Then I will be on 10 days of oral contraceptives and on with the cycle from there. So about the second week in January we will be scheduled for our IUI's. By the end of January we will know if one of the little follicles I will be growing, was meant to be our little bundle of complete and utter joy! Please, please, please keep us in your prayers. We really need them for Brandon's sperm count to come up, for the new medication regimen they plan on giving me to work wonders in the follicle department, and for God to bless us this time with our answered prayer, our Angel(s)!
Thank you all so much for thinking of us and for reading my blog posts. I am just completely humbled by the feedback and response I have received from women just like me, women who want nothing more than to be a Mommy but God has other plans right now for them as well. God is telling them to "wait" just as He is telling me. I am so thankful that by me simply sharing our journey, our experience, my thoughts and worries, I am able to help others along their journey too. None of us are alone! God is always with us first of all, but we are all in this together! Do not be ashamed to share your story! God is using you and you don't even know it. Our trials are meant to be shared with even just one person. You never know who's life you may change, who you may lead to Christ! Don't give up! We are only in a "waiting room" of life!!!
Monday, October 28, 2013
God gives us the answers we need, not always what we want...
Okay, so after Wednesday's ordeal with our "big fat negative" pregnancy test, I took it pretty hard...I just knew that with everything being so perfect, all of our tests being exactly where they need to be, the perfect situation with plenty of mature follicles, I just knew that we would get the positive test we have been dreaming of for so many years now...I was so wrong...And I questioned God on so many levels that day. I wanted to know why it is taking so long for us and what does He want us to do in order to make Him happy enough to give us our precious miracle....Even though I know we are NOT to ever question God...I did...
Wednesday night I went to bed feeling fine...I was really tired, considering the events of that day and I had a terrible headache...But otherwise I felt fine. About 4:30am I woke up covered in sweat and my heart was pounding out of my chest. I felt dizzy and lightheaded, nauseous and I just knew I was having a heart attack. I literally knew at that moment I was going to have a heart attack...I woke up Brandon after 3 failed attempts of checking my blood pressure (the machine would not register my BP because it was so high) and I told him to call who he needed too, but I am going to the ER. He called his parents so his Mom could check my pulse rate, since I was too shook up to do so and Brandon was too. She listened to my heart with her stethyscope and immediately knew something was not right. It was beating so fast it sounded like it was fluttering. Atrial Flutter...Not good....So off to the ER I went. I got to the ER around 5:30am and immediately they hooked me up to the EKG machine and after that it was pretty much all a blur for me...I remember about 10 people rushing in the room, putting IV's in both arms and telling me everything will be okay just to focus on my breathing. I heard one of the nurses say alot is about to happen really fast. I was having Tachycardia with a heart rate of 260 bpm....I was also in Atrial Fibrillation...Yes, the same exact heart arrythmia my husband had only 48 hours before. I was scared to death to say the least. After about 2 hours of them working on me and giving me so much medication via IV my heart rate was finally under 200...I was exhausted....My husband was white as the sheets I was laying on...He was scared to death...The ER doctor asked me if there was any way I could be pregnant...I told him no and of course how I knew that...He told me what I didn't want to hear but what I needed to hear....He told me that was a good thing...He said if this had happened early on in pregnancy there is a high chance of miscarriage due to the amount of medications they have to give in this case. One of the IV meds they gave actually stops the electrical conduction of heart and restarts it...That was scary! And hurt so bad. My chest felt like it was going to bust open. After a very long 48 hours, a lot prayer and more prayer, my heart went back into a normal sinus rhythm after an injection they gave me to hopefully convert it that way...Can I just say how amazing our God is? One of the nurses who was monitoring my heart while the injection was going through said if my heart did not convert back to normal sinus rhythm within 10 to 15 minutes, it was most likely it would not convert on its own. Well, my sweet little nurse in the PCU said she was gonna wait...I told her I wanted to wait also before she called the cardiologist and told him the results. Exactly 50 minutes later, my heart converted!!!! I layed in that bed and prayed and prayed so hard that it would work so I wouldn't have to be shocked back into rhythm the next morning....And it worked!!! After a whole day on Wednesday of me sitting and crying wanting to know why God doesn't hear my prayers for a baby....I know why!!!! Because God knew that if I had gotten some really amazing news, and been expecting a little miracle, then this happen with my heart and us lose our little miracle....I couldn't handle that! And God knew that! My mind thinks I am ready but God knows my heart couldn't handle it at that time. God isn't ready yet to make me a Mommy.
God gives us the answers to our prayers that we need....Not always the answers we want! And I am living proof of that. I need to make sure my heart is okay before we further this journey. My cardiologist said it could just be a one time thing. I pray that is true. It was one of the most scariest moments of my life. I really thought something terrible was going to happen to me. But God has his hands on me the whole time.
Moral of this story, NEVER QUESTION GOD!!! God sure showed up for Brandon and I this past week. I told my friend, after Wednesday's news I was so broken hearted. And I was...I am...But God knows this and he knows how to fix the broken hearted. Thank you all so much for your prayers for the both of us! Please continue to pray for us as we make our way on down this road of Infertility. I will not give up on my dreams of becoming a mother. I will not give up on my dreams of dirty diapers, spit up, late nights, early mornings, first words, first steps....I will not give up!! God showed us that there is nothing more important than us! Brandon and I love each other so much that our hearts beat the same for each other. Who else can say that!! We are important to God and if that means holding off on our wants for a little while to make sure we have what we need to live, then so be it. God is with us, every single step of the way. He shows us who means the most to him and who means the most to us. Throughout the week, we found out some stuff about our own families and who cares enough to show up when we need them most. Those that decide to put other things before family, will not be included in our journey or our lives for that matter. We are loving people. I may not be the nicest person, but everything I do and say comes from my heart and from a place where it means something. For those that took out a moment of their time to call, text or facebook message me with kind words, I appreciate you from the bottom of my heart, my broken heart. God will heal us all and give us what we pray for, but not a minute too soon! Only in His perfect timing!!
Wednesday night I went to bed feeling fine...I was really tired, considering the events of that day and I had a terrible headache...But otherwise I felt fine. About 4:30am I woke up covered in sweat and my heart was pounding out of my chest. I felt dizzy and lightheaded, nauseous and I just knew I was having a heart attack. I literally knew at that moment I was going to have a heart attack...I woke up Brandon after 3 failed attempts of checking my blood pressure (the machine would not register my BP because it was so high) and I told him to call who he needed too, but I am going to the ER. He called his parents so his Mom could check my pulse rate, since I was too shook up to do so and Brandon was too. She listened to my heart with her stethyscope and immediately knew something was not right. It was beating so fast it sounded like it was fluttering. Atrial Flutter...Not good....So off to the ER I went. I got to the ER around 5:30am and immediately they hooked me up to the EKG machine and after that it was pretty much all a blur for me...I remember about 10 people rushing in the room, putting IV's in both arms and telling me everything will be okay just to focus on my breathing. I heard one of the nurses say alot is about to happen really fast. I was having Tachycardia with a heart rate of 260 bpm....I was also in Atrial Fibrillation...Yes, the same exact heart arrythmia my husband had only 48 hours before. I was scared to death to say the least. After about 2 hours of them working on me and giving me so much medication via IV my heart rate was finally under 200...I was exhausted....My husband was white as the sheets I was laying on...He was scared to death...The ER doctor asked me if there was any way I could be pregnant...I told him no and of course how I knew that...He told me what I didn't want to hear but what I needed to hear....He told me that was a good thing...He said if this had happened early on in pregnancy there is a high chance of miscarriage due to the amount of medications they have to give in this case. One of the IV meds they gave actually stops the electrical conduction of heart and restarts it...That was scary! And hurt so bad. My chest felt like it was going to bust open. After a very long 48 hours, a lot prayer and more prayer, my heart went back into a normal sinus rhythm after an injection they gave me to hopefully convert it that way...Can I just say how amazing our God is? One of the nurses who was monitoring my heart while the injection was going through said if my heart did not convert back to normal sinus rhythm within 10 to 15 minutes, it was most likely it would not convert on its own. Well, my sweet little nurse in the PCU said she was gonna wait...I told her I wanted to wait also before she called the cardiologist and told him the results. Exactly 50 minutes later, my heart converted!!!! I layed in that bed and prayed and prayed so hard that it would work so I wouldn't have to be shocked back into rhythm the next morning....And it worked!!! After a whole day on Wednesday of me sitting and crying wanting to know why God doesn't hear my prayers for a baby....I know why!!!! Because God knew that if I had gotten some really amazing news, and been expecting a little miracle, then this happen with my heart and us lose our little miracle....I couldn't handle that! And God knew that! My mind thinks I am ready but God knows my heart couldn't handle it at that time. God isn't ready yet to make me a Mommy.
God gives us the answers to our prayers that we need....Not always the answers we want! And I am living proof of that. I need to make sure my heart is okay before we further this journey. My cardiologist said it could just be a one time thing. I pray that is true. It was one of the most scariest moments of my life. I really thought something terrible was going to happen to me. But God has his hands on me the whole time.
Moral of this story, NEVER QUESTION GOD!!! God sure showed up for Brandon and I this past week. I told my friend, after Wednesday's news I was so broken hearted. And I was...I am...But God knows this and he knows how to fix the broken hearted. Thank you all so much for your prayers for the both of us! Please continue to pray for us as we make our way on down this road of Infertility. I will not give up on my dreams of becoming a mother. I will not give up on my dreams of dirty diapers, spit up, late nights, early mornings, first words, first steps....I will not give up!! God showed us that there is nothing more important than us! Brandon and I love each other so much that our hearts beat the same for each other. Who else can say that!! We are important to God and if that means holding off on our wants for a little while to make sure we have what we need to live, then so be it. God is with us, every single step of the way. He shows us who means the most to him and who means the most to us. Throughout the week, we found out some stuff about our own families and who cares enough to show up when we need them most. Those that decide to put other things before family, will not be included in our journey or our lives for that matter. We are loving people. I may not be the nicest person, but everything I do and say comes from my heart and from a place where it means something. For those that took out a moment of their time to call, text or facebook message me with kind words, I appreciate you from the bottom of my heart, my broken heart. God will heal us all and give us what we pray for, but not a minute too soon! Only in His perfect timing!!
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
When will be God's time for us?
Over the past week, a lot has happened....Yesterday, my husband woke up and wasn't feeling well. He could tell his heart rate was extremely fast and not beating in a normal sinus rhythm so we immediately called his Cardiologist. They recommended he come in for an EKG immediately so off to Gainesville we went. Once we got there he was in Atrial Fibrillation. He went into A Fib back in June and they had to give his heart an electrical shock to put it back into normal rhythm. The Doctor that was available looked it over and came in not even 5 minutes later and told us he had already called over to the hospital and that Brandon needed to get over there immediately for another cardioversion. At this point, once again, both of us are scared. Of course Brandon was scared, he is 27 years old and having heart problems....Its scary at any age but we are too young for this right?? WRONG! Things like this know no boundaries.
We got to the ER and they checked him in, sent him back to the Interventional Observation Unit where they keep patients who undergo cardiac catherizations, stress tests, etc...A very nice, lady cardiologist came in and explained what she would be doing and that Brandon would have to be on some more medications to keep his heart in rhythm, hopefully. She said if it goes back out of rhythm again, we will need to consider other options such as a Cardiac Ablation, where they will go in and burn out a small part inside the heart where the arrhythmia is occurring. We are praying it will not get to this point. Please keep him in your prayers. He is feeling much better, a little tired and dizzy from the new medications they have him on. He will have to go back next week for another EKG to make sure everything is okay and then he will have a follow up with his cardiologist in the beginning of November.
Today....well....today was our pregnancy test....
The Intrauterine Insemination we did this month did not take. We are not pregnant....again....
I am heart broken to say the least. How much more can I take? I am trying so hard to keep all the faith in the world, and I do know that God will give me a baby in His time, but I can't help but question "When is God's time for us?" I know, I know...We are NOT to question God's perfect timing. Today, I have questioned a lot of things I shouldn't. I know that God has put me on this path for a reason. The last 5 years have been the hardest years of my whole life, so far... and I pray I never have to relive a single moment of them. I have been dealing with the death of my Daddy, being infertile and wanting a baby so bad it almost kills me....What more can I handle? God will not give us more than we can handle but as the saying goes, He is trusting me way too much....I really tried all month to not get my hopes up...And I thought I was doing a good job of it...until I got that dreaded phone call this afternoon and I completely lost it...It hit me so hard this month for some reason. I will make it through as I have every month for the last 5 years and 2 months. I will get through this with my husband right by my side, God in my heart and some amazing people God has placed in my life. People who are genuine and truly care about our situation and want this for us as much as we want it. People who feel the emotions right along with us. People who have and will be there for us the rest of this journey and long after this one is over and a new one begins. People who do not make excuses about not having time to call or come by and show concern due to work and other activities they plan that seem to be more important than family...(sorry had to throw that in there because this really gets to me). People that I am ever so grateful we have in our lives. I could never thank God enough for them and their friendships and their love and concern for us.
So, I will take time to process this. I will cry as I have all afternoon. I will question, but I know the answers are far beyond this world. The lesson I have learned this week is never take the ones you love for granted. I have been so caught up in our infertility and our IUI this month, I have over looked a lot things and my husband has been one of those things. As I have always said, God sometimes uses tragedy/sickness/etc...to make us see what is most important in life...To wake us up! This has been so clear to me. I am so thankful that God kept Brandon safe and healed his heart. I am so thankful that he is okay. I could never be able to live without him. He has been the love of my life for over 12 years now. He is my best friend and to see him sick tears me up. I love him so much and no matter how long we have been trying to have a family, nothing matters more than him being here to share our life together...Absolutely NOTHING!
We are scheduled to go back to meet with Dr. L about another route for this journey, something more aggressive. We will continue to pray that God will bless us with our little miracle and soon. We know that He will bless us. It is learning to be patient and just wait on Him that is the challenging part. I want to thank you all for praying for us. And for praying for Brandon. You are all apart of our journey and I appreciate the love and support. God is still good and God is still God. No matter the outcome of today, there is always another month. God will prevail in this for us. And for those of you on this journey too, He will get you there as well! Do not give up...As I have not. Keep going and just wait on the Lord.
We got to the ER and they checked him in, sent him back to the Interventional Observation Unit where they keep patients who undergo cardiac catherizations, stress tests, etc...A very nice, lady cardiologist came in and explained what she would be doing and that Brandon would have to be on some more medications to keep his heart in rhythm, hopefully. She said if it goes back out of rhythm again, we will need to consider other options such as a Cardiac Ablation, where they will go in and burn out a small part inside the heart where the arrhythmia is occurring. We are praying it will not get to this point. Please keep him in your prayers. He is feeling much better, a little tired and dizzy from the new medications they have him on. He will have to go back next week for another EKG to make sure everything is okay and then he will have a follow up with his cardiologist in the beginning of November.
Today....well....today was our pregnancy test....
The Intrauterine Insemination we did this month did not take. We are not pregnant....again....
I am heart broken to say the least. How much more can I take? I am trying so hard to keep all the faith in the world, and I do know that God will give me a baby in His time, but I can't help but question "When is God's time for us?" I know, I know...We are NOT to question God's perfect timing. Today, I have questioned a lot of things I shouldn't. I know that God has put me on this path for a reason. The last 5 years have been the hardest years of my whole life, so far... and I pray I never have to relive a single moment of them. I have been dealing with the death of my Daddy, being infertile and wanting a baby so bad it almost kills me....What more can I handle? God will not give us more than we can handle but as the saying goes, He is trusting me way too much....I really tried all month to not get my hopes up...And I thought I was doing a good job of it...until I got that dreaded phone call this afternoon and I completely lost it...It hit me so hard this month for some reason. I will make it through as I have every month for the last 5 years and 2 months. I will get through this with my husband right by my side, God in my heart and some amazing people God has placed in my life. People who are genuine and truly care about our situation and want this for us as much as we want it. People who feel the emotions right along with us. People who have and will be there for us the rest of this journey and long after this one is over and a new one begins. People who do not make excuses about not having time to call or come by and show concern due to work and other activities they plan that seem to be more important than family...(sorry had to throw that in there because this really gets to me). People that I am ever so grateful we have in our lives. I could never thank God enough for them and their friendships and their love and concern for us.
So, I will take time to process this. I will cry as I have all afternoon. I will question, but I know the answers are far beyond this world. The lesson I have learned this week is never take the ones you love for granted. I have been so caught up in our infertility and our IUI this month, I have over looked a lot things and my husband has been one of those things. As I have always said, God sometimes uses tragedy/sickness/etc...to make us see what is most important in life...To wake us up! This has been so clear to me. I am so thankful that God kept Brandon safe and healed his heart. I am so thankful that he is okay. I could never be able to live without him. He has been the love of my life for over 12 years now. He is my best friend and to see him sick tears me up. I love him so much and no matter how long we have been trying to have a family, nothing matters more than him being here to share our life together...Absolutely NOTHING!
We are scheduled to go back to meet with Dr. L about another route for this journey, something more aggressive. We will continue to pray that God will bless us with our little miracle and soon. We know that He will bless us. It is learning to be patient and just wait on Him that is the challenging part. I want to thank you all for praying for us. And for praying for Brandon. You are all apart of our journey and I appreciate the love and support. God is still good and God is still God. No matter the outcome of today, there is always another month. God will prevail in this for us. And for those of you on this journey too, He will get you there as well! Do not give up...As I have not. Keep going and just wait on the Lord.
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Nerves...Oh Nerves...Will get the best of me yet!!!
Okay, so I know I said I would blog more often but I have a good excuse this time...Well, no I really dont have a good excuse this time. Anyways, I am blogging now and we have a very stressful time coming up for us and we really need your prayers.
My blood pregnancy test is coming up soon (really soon...But I am not posting a date to give us our time with the results either way it goes)...I am trying to be cautiously optimistic because last month the big fat negative result really gave me a punch in the gut...I was so devastated. But just like I said last month, we take time to cry and grieve and be angry at our bodies for that time, then we wake up and get ready for the next cycle. I try to keep telling myself "There is always next month"! As hard as it is to fully understand it myself. But there is always next month.
I feel deep down that God is fixing to make some pretty amazing things happen in our lives. I am really excited and scared at the same time because I know exactly what it feels like to get my hopes shot down. I have done it every month for 5 years 2 months and 20 days. I have got my hopes up that just maybe, just maybe...This would be our month. That month came and went and here we are...Still no baby, yet!! But if I am pregnant, right now this very moment, I am 3 weeks and 5 days with our little miracle(s). And that makes me feel so excited!!!! It makes me feel excited there is a chance I may have 2 amazing little blessings growing inside me right now at this very moment. God is so good and He makes absolutely NO mistakes and I am thanking Him even in the darkest of days. Even in the days I feel that I will never get off this roller coaster called "Infertility". I saw a picture somewhere the other day that said "If Monday was a person, I would punch her in the face"...Well I feel that way about "Infertility"! If Infertility was a person, I would like to punch her in the face too!! But, you know, even though this has been one of the most difficult times of my life, had it not been for this journey there are so many things I would never have experienced...So many people I never would've met and gained beautiful friendships over and I never would've gotten so close to Jesus! I guess in our darkest of times, we realize that God is our only way out of the dark. God will bring us to the light, where all things are beautiful and where blessings and miracles happen when we just believe in Him! And believe in His timing! I am by no means a "perfect" Christian. I don't think anyone is. But I can tell you, I have let people into my life, my very personal life and personal details through this blog. I have exposed my life to you all. One thing someone will never call me is a Hypocrite. I lay it out there. And I am honest. This journey is NOT easy and it never will be for anyone. There are times when you will want to just absolutely give up. I have been there. More than once. And I can tell you, those moments will help you grow. They have helped me to understand that I, as an individual person, have no control over things like this. Even though I have a really hard just giving all of my troubles to God, I understand that I have no control over them. I pray for God to help me to give it all to Him. And let Him handle it. Especially in the coming days, I will need God just to handle it. To take my fear away and handle it!!
Please keep us in your prayers this week. I thank God for all of my readers and all of the prayers you all are sending up for us and our sweet little miracle(s) to be. I am firm believer in the power of prayer and I thank you all!!
My blood pregnancy test is coming up soon (really soon...But I am not posting a date to give us our time with the results either way it goes)...I am trying to be cautiously optimistic because last month the big fat negative result really gave me a punch in the gut...I was so devastated. But just like I said last month, we take time to cry and grieve and be angry at our bodies for that time, then we wake up and get ready for the next cycle. I try to keep telling myself "There is always next month"! As hard as it is to fully understand it myself. But there is always next month.
I feel deep down that God is fixing to make some pretty amazing things happen in our lives. I am really excited and scared at the same time because I know exactly what it feels like to get my hopes shot down. I have done it every month for 5 years 2 months and 20 days. I have got my hopes up that just maybe, just maybe...This would be our month. That month came and went and here we are...Still no baby, yet!! But if I am pregnant, right now this very moment, I am 3 weeks and 5 days with our little miracle(s). And that makes me feel so excited!!!! It makes me feel excited there is a chance I may have 2 amazing little blessings growing inside me right now at this very moment. God is so good and He makes absolutely NO mistakes and I am thanking Him even in the darkest of days. Even in the days I feel that I will never get off this roller coaster called "Infertility". I saw a picture somewhere the other day that said "If Monday was a person, I would punch her in the face"...Well I feel that way about "Infertility"! If Infertility was a person, I would like to punch her in the face too!! But, you know, even though this has been one of the most difficult times of my life, had it not been for this journey there are so many things I would never have experienced...So many people I never would've met and gained beautiful friendships over and I never would've gotten so close to Jesus! I guess in our darkest of times, we realize that God is our only way out of the dark. God will bring us to the light, where all things are beautiful and where blessings and miracles happen when we just believe in Him! And believe in His timing! I am by no means a "perfect" Christian. I don't think anyone is. But I can tell you, I have let people into my life, my very personal life and personal details through this blog. I have exposed my life to you all. One thing someone will never call me is a Hypocrite. I lay it out there. And I am honest. This journey is NOT easy and it never will be for anyone. There are times when you will want to just absolutely give up. I have been there. More than once. And I can tell you, those moments will help you grow. They have helped me to understand that I, as an individual person, have no control over things like this. Even though I have a really hard just giving all of my troubles to God, I understand that I have no control over them. I pray for God to help me to give it all to Him. And let Him handle it. Especially in the coming days, I will need God just to handle it. To take my fear away and handle it!!
Please keep us in your prayers this week. I thank God for all of my readers and all of the prayers you all are sending up for us and our sweet little miracle(s) to be. I am firm believer in the power of prayer and I thank you all!!
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
And now we wait!
Well, the past couple of days have been some of the most challenging so far. I am more than thankful for each day we get to further our journey and learn more about this process and what we have to look forward too. However, I am so glad this cycle is over for now. It has been difficult for me, medically.
Monday I went for an ultrasound to see exactly how big my follicles were. I had one 20mm and one 12mm and a few others that were around 10mm. I was so thankful for that because last month my biggest follicle was an 18mm. However, Monday night, Brandon and I prayed together, that on Tuesday everything would go smooth and if it was in His will, that the other follicle would grow to an 18 or a 20! Well, I must say that from experience, our God is a BIG God and he does answer prayers. When we got to the office yesterday afternoon, I told the nurse that I had been having a lot of pain in my lower abdomen, alot of nausea and dizziness only since yesterday morning. I had been having some discomfort for about a week now but that is only due to my ovaries getting bigger with the growth of the follicles. Well, to be on the safe side, one of our favorite ARNP's, Susan, wanted to do an ultrasound to make sure there wasn't something going on before they did our first IUI. Well, the follicle on my left ovary that was 12mm on Monday had grown to over 20mm!!!!!!!!!!!!! Did I say that our God is so very good???!!!!!!!! Such an answered prayer!! The only problem was, I had developed Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome....This is from my ovaries being so enlarged and the fact that I had many folllicles this month. Fluid accumulates in the abdomen and can potentially move to the chest area if not monitored. I have a little bit of fluid in my lower abdomen, therefore I am now on bed rest, light bed rest...I can get up and walk around a little bit in order to keep blood from clotting. I am so thankful this was found and is being monitored.
On another good note, when the embryologist came in to see us yesterday, she said that they were able to get 3 million sperm after they washed them!!! Which is a fantastic number considering there was only a 2 day gap between the collection and our last planned intercourse date. So yet, another answered prayer!!! God has been and still is so so good!!!
Today was our final insemination. Due to me not feeling so great, I now have some pain medication and some anti nausea medication. Which I am so thankful for. The embryologist was able to get 2.8 million sperm after the wash today! YAY! So, now we are back in the waiting game. I will not be posting the date for our pregnancy test, due to the fact I had so many messages last month and due to the emotional side of this day, I feel I just need to let it be a family thing! Once we get a positive test, I have big plans for a pregnancy announcement so the more secretive I can be the better!! After all, my husband and my family and I have waited for a positive pregnancy test for 5 years, 2 months and 12 days!! This will be the most joyful time of our lives and I do believe that our family should get to celebrate with us before we announce our fantastic news to the rest of our friends! Now, I am not saying that it will be positive but I have faith that God is going to bless us this month! And within the next 2 weeks, we will know whether it is God's time for us! I am so excited to see what is in store for us!
Please keep us in your prayers! Please pray that this Hyperstimulation syndrome will take care of itself and not turn into something more serious. God is so good and we are a great example of God's work! Look how far we have come on this journey! Look how far prayer and faith has gotten us! I am so grateful!! Absolutely so very grateful! We have gained friendships that will last a lifetime just by sharing our journey and we are helping others on their journey as well! God places us in the right place at the right time but it is up to us to do His work! Thank you for your thoughts and prayers! Keep them coming!! Love you all!
Monday I went for an ultrasound to see exactly how big my follicles were. I had one 20mm and one 12mm and a few others that were around 10mm. I was so thankful for that because last month my biggest follicle was an 18mm. However, Monday night, Brandon and I prayed together, that on Tuesday everything would go smooth and if it was in His will, that the other follicle would grow to an 18 or a 20! Well, I must say that from experience, our God is a BIG God and he does answer prayers. When we got to the office yesterday afternoon, I told the nurse that I had been having a lot of pain in my lower abdomen, alot of nausea and dizziness only since yesterday morning. I had been having some discomfort for about a week now but that is only due to my ovaries getting bigger with the growth of the follicles. Well, to be on the safe side, one of our favorite ARNP's, Susan, wanted to do an ultrasound to make sure there wasn't something going on before they did our first IUI. Well, the follicle on my left ovary that was 12mm on Monday had grown to over 20mm!!!!!!!!!!!!! Did I say that our God is so very good???!!!!!!!! Such an answered prayer!! The only problem was, I had developed Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome....This is from my ovaries being so enlarged and the fact that I had many folllicles this month. Fluid accumulates in the abdomen and can potentially move to the chest area if not monitored. I have a little bit of fluid in my lower abdomen, therefore I am now on bed rest, light bed rest...I can get up and walk around a little bit in order to keep blood from clotting. I am so thankful this was found and is being monitored.
On another good note, when the embryologist came in to see us yesterday, she said that they were able to get 3 million sperm after they washed them!!! Which is a fantastic number considering there was only a 2 day gap between the collection and our last planned intercourse date. So yet, another answered prayer!!! God has been and still is so so good!!!
Today was our final insemination. Due to me not feeling so great, I now have some pain medication and some anti nausea medication. Which I am so thankful for. The embryologist was able to get 2.8 million sperm after the wash today! YAY! So, now we are back in the waiting game. I will not be posting the date for our pregnancy test, due to the fact I had so many messages last month and due to the emotional side of this day, I feel I just need to let it be a family thing! Once we get a positive test, I have big plans for a pregnancy announcement so the more secretive I can be the better!! After all, my husband and my family and I have waited for a positive pregnancy test for 5 years, 2 months and 12 days!! This will be the most joyful time of our lives and I do believe that our family should get to celebrate with us before we announce our fantastic news to the rest of our friends! Now, I am not saying that it will be positive but I have faith that God is going to bless us this month! And within the next 2 weeks, we will know whether it is God's time for us! I am so excited to see what is in store for us!
Please keep us in your prayers! Please pray that this Hyperstimulation syndrome will take care of itself and not turn into something more serious. God is so good and we are a great example of God's work! Look how far we have come on this journey! Look how far prayer and faith has gotten us! I am so grateful!! Absolutely so very grateful! We have gained friendships that will last a lifetime just by sharing our journey and we are helping others on their journey as well! God places us in the right place at the right time but it is up to us to do His work! Thank you for your thoughts and prayers! Keep them coming!! Love you all!
Friday, October 4, 2013
Follies, Follies and more Follies!!
On Wednesday this week we had our first appointment of this cycle with the ARNP at Dr. L's office, Susan. I absolutely couldn't have ever prayed for a better group of Doctors and ARNP's. They are all amazing. We had 8 follicles maturing (my amazing husband said I am preparing for the Easter Bunny LOL). 6 on my left ovary and 2 on my right ovary, which is a lot more than last months. Last month we had about 12 total but there were a lot of 8mm and 7mm sizes last month which ended up resulting in one 18mm, one 17mm and a 12mm (if I remember exactly right). Usually 20-22mm is ideal so last month they weren't ideal but they still released and of course as you all know, we got a "big FAT negative".
We went back again today to see all of the little follies and we have one 15mm, 12mm, 10mm and a couple 8mm. She said I would most likely end up with 3 matured for the IUI procedures on Tuesday and Wednesday this coming week. We will see for sure on Monday when we return back for our final ultrasound before the IUI's to see exactly what we are working with this month. I know that God has this and we will have great results. I can just feel it.
I always promised to be honest and open about everything involving my Infertility Journey and that is what I am doing. This blog portrays 100% exactly how I feel! God didn't skimp when he gave me honesty and openness! That is for sure. I just hope you all understand the point of this blog. To open the eyes of those that have no idea about Infertility and the treatment process. To help those going through Infertility better understand what is happening to them and their bodies and why they feel the way they do emotionally. The number one reason and purpose of this blog is to let everyone know, that no matter what life throws at us, even infertility, God will get us to destination Motherhood! GOD WILL GET US THERE!!! Whether through IVF, IUI, adoption...What ever it may be, if God gives us the desire to be a Mother, he will not tantalize us! He will make us Mommies (thank you Sarah)!! I want to show everyone that even the average person, like myself, not raised in church, never a real "faithful" person prior to getting saved in April 2010, can lean on God and can be faithful even in the hardest of times. It is by no means easy. I can honestly say, I get down and out sometimes but only for a moment. The next day starts a new day and out with the tears, out with the sadness and worry and on with the positivity and progression!! I love being able to say that God is the only one that has helped me get through all I have been dealt in the past 5 years. My husband has been the next best thing of course but God and his promises has gotten me here! Exactly where I am right now. I am able to share our journey with you all in total confidence and with total and complete honesty! I read on another blog I follow about an Infertile couple, that once you are able to share your story, you are starting to heal from it. I do believe that. We have traveled this road for quite sometime now and of course I still get frustrated with the "wait" and I still get discouraged but that is okay. We all get that way sometimes. I would seem to think we wouldn't be human if we weren't upset, frustrated, discouraged only for a moment when things do not go our way. But, as I have said, it is only for a time. We pick ourselves back up and keep moving. That is the part of true healing and being content with the way things are moving along. Ever since we started going to Dr. L and his staff, I must say I felt content that he would help us fix the problems and make me a Mommy. And he is doing just that. We are just waiting now for God to bless us with our little miracle. Our true miracle child that we never thought we would have or hold. God is good and will prevail in our situation. If you are going through this same thing, DO NOT GIVE UP HOPE! You have alot of support and there are so many in your shoes. Just keep the faith and pray to our God every chance you get! He hears our prayers and He will give us all the desires of our hearts! I love you all and I am so thankful for all of my readers. It keeps me going to know that I have so many following us and praying for us on this journey! It is humbling to know when I have helped someone on their own journey to Motherhood. And I can only thank God for all of this!
Until next time, keep praying for us!! Our procedure for the IUI is scheduled for Tuesday and Wednesday. Pray for growing little follicles!! We need them to get to 20mm!!
We went back again today to see all of the little follies and we have one 15mm, 12mm, 10mm and a couple 8mm. She said I would most likely end up with 3 matured for the IUI procedures on Tuesday and Wednesday this coming week. We will see for sure on Monday when we return back for our final ultrasound before the IUI's to see exactly what we are working with this month. I know that God has this and we will have great results. I can just feel it.
I always promised to be honest and open about everything involving my Infertility Journey and that is what I am doing. This blog portrays 100% exactly how I feel! God didn't skimp when he gave me honesty and openness! That is for sure. I just hope you all understand the point of this blog. To open the eyes of those that have no idea about Infertility and the treatment process. To help those going through Infertility better understand what is happening to them and their bodies and why they feel the way they do emotionally. The number one reason and purpose of this blog is to let everyone know, that no matter what life throws at us, even infertility, God will get us to destination Motherhood! GOD WILL GET US THERE!!! Whether through IVF, IUI, adoption...What ever it may be, if God gives us the desire to be a Mother, he will not tantalize us! He will make us Mommies (thank you Sarah)!! I want to show everyone that even the average person, like myself, not raised in church, never a real "faithful" person prior to getting saved in April 2010, can lean on God and can be faithful even in the hardest of times. It is by no means easy. I can honestly say, I get down and out sometimes but only for a moment. The next day starts a new day and out with the tears, out with the sadness and worry and on with the positivity and progression!! I love being able to say that God is the only one that has helped me get through all I have been dealt in the past 5 years. My husband has been the next best thing of course but God and his promises has gotten me here! Exactly where I am right now. I am able to share our journey with you all in total confidence and with total and complete honesty! I read on another blog I follow about an Infertile couple, that once you are able to share your story, you are starting to heal from it. I do believe that. We have traveled this road for quite sometime now and of course I still get frustrated with the "wait" and I still get discouraged but that is okay. We all get that way sometimes. I would seem to think we wouldn't be human if we weren't upset, frustrated, discouraged only for a moment when things do not go our way. But, as I have said, it is only for a time. We pick ourselves back up and keep moving. That is the part of true healing and being content with the way things are moving along. Ever since we started going to Dr. L and his staff, I must say I felt content that he would help us fix the problems and make me a Mommy. And he is doing just that. We are just waiting now for God to bless us with our little miracle. Our true miracle child that we never thought we would have or hold. God is good and will prevail in our situation. If you are going through this same thing, DO NOT GIVE UP HOPE! You have alot of support and there are so many in your shoes. Just keep the faith and pray to our God every chance you get! He hears our prayers and He will give us all the desires of our hearts! I love you all and I am so thankful for all of my readers. It keeps me going to know that I have so many following us and praying for us on this journey! It is humbling to know when I have helped someone on their own journey to Motherhood. And I can only thank God for all of this!
Until next time, keep praying for us!! Our procedure for the IUI is scheduled for Tuesday and Wednesday. Pray for growing little follicles!! We need them to get to 20mm!!
Friday, September 27, 2013
Another day in infertile paradise
Good afternoon to all of my amazing readers! As I sit here today typing my latest blog post, I can't help but feel excited, overwhelmed, faithful, fearful, worrisome, loved, super duper blessed and extremely stressed!! Yes, I think I too, should be checked into a hospital for a bit with all of those emotions but you know, the Ultimate Physician (mind, body and spirit healer) has my back!!! I just know He does! And like everyday, today is a brand new day!!
And the start to another cycle for us!! I will be taking a home pregnancy test in the morning to make sure I am either pregnant or not before I take (10) pills tomorrow to jump start the follicle growing process!!! I can sit here right now and remember how excited I was last cycle when we started the follicle growing process....Ahhh....It seems like yesterday but its already been almost 2 months ago now...Time flies when your either stressed out to the max or having fun!! I have had a little bit of both of those going on lately! More stress though! Man, the stress of going through these cycles is a lot but I keep seeing a dear friend of mine posting all of her baby girl's pics and I can't help but feel so optimistic that God has amazing plans for me and Brandon! AH-Mazing plans!!! I can just feel it!
A few posts ago I blogged about lessons I have learned. Well, every day I learn a new lesson to be honest but today I learned to NEVER underestimate the power of prayer and believing in Jesus!! There has been a lot on my mind for quite some time now and I finally decided to just let it go and let God handle it. I was once told that if I have no control over it, then just let God control it! He has all of the control in the world. And because He loves me so much, He wants to take care of my problems and He wants me to just let Him have them all!! I spent a few hours this past Sunday with my Great Grandmother who is 92 years old. She has always been a big part of my life ever since I was born. I always love hearing all of the old stories of when my Dad was little and all the trips they went on when my Great Grandfather was alive. He has been passed away now for 34 years and my Granny has lived alone and in the same home they built together for all of these years. Never remarried, never dated another man...nothing. She lost a daughter when she was a teenager in a terrible accident when a train hit their car. She has lost all of her grandchildren and her husband as well. At 92, she told me that the only way to get through the difficult times in your life, is to just tell the Lord, "Lord, I can't deal with this on my own. I really need your help. I am giving it all to you" I think this is some of the best advice I have gotten from her. And right at the perfect time when I needed to hear that the most. With all of the sadness, grief, death, stress etc....I have dealt with in my life, and now the infertility journey we have been placed on too for the past 5 years, I can honestly say, that my only option is to let God handle it. It is all out of my control! There was nothing I could do about my Dad getting killed. There is and wasn't anything I could do about being infertile. The Doctors had to help me and Brandon figure it all out. We couldn't have done that part on our own. Of course we have had to put in effort as well. After all, God will only help those that can also help themselves. Even though He can do all of the work, doesn't mean He will. We have to put in a little bit of effort to show God that we really want this or that to happen and we are willing to do whatever we have to in order for it to happen.
So, for now as always, we wait to see the follicles grow!!! I go back to Dr. L on October 2nd and October 4th for ultrasounds of my little follicles to see how big they are! I pray they really grow and that there are lots of them! The more there are that are big enough, the better chance of conception. But as always, anything is possible when our God is involved!! And if it is not His time for us, this will not happen this month and I understand that. But I am being optimistic!! After all, God wants us to be happy and positive! Not sad or worried and all negative Nelly's! Stay tuned for more updates as we board the ship IUI! We are fixing to set sail! Starting tomorrow of course! Please be in prayer for us!! We always need your prayers! I hope and pray that maybe just one of you that read this blog, will figure out that Jesus is the only way! Especially with the Infertility journey we are on together! Let go and let God handle it!! He's got this!!
And the start to another cycle for us!! I will be taking a home pregnancy test in the morning to make sure I am either pregnant or not before I take (10) pills tomorrow to jump start the follicle growing process!!! I can sit here right now and remember how excited I was last cycle when we started the follicle growing process....Ahhh....It seems like yesterday but its already been almost 2 months ago now...Time flies when your either stressed out to the max or having fun!! I have had a little bit of both of those going on lately! More stress though! Man, the stress of going through these cycles is a lot but I keep seeing a dear friend of mine posting all of her baby girl's pics and I can't help but feel so optimistic that God has amazing plans for me and Brandon! AH-Mazing plans!!! I can just feel it!
A few posts ago I blogged about lessons I have learned. Well, every day I learn a new lesson to be honest but today I learned to NEVER underestimate the power of prayer and believing in Jesus!! There has been a lot on my mind for quite some time now and I finally decided to just let it go and let God handle it. I was once told that if I have no control over it, then just let God control it! He has all of the control in the world. And because He loves me so much, He wants to take care of my problems and He wants me to just let Him have them all!! I spent a few hours this past Sunday with my Great Grandmother who is 92 years old. She has always been a big part of my life ever since I was born. I always love hearing all of the old stories of when my Dad was little and all the trips they went on when my Great Grandfather was alive. He has been passed away now for 34 years and my Granny has lived alone and in the same home they built together for all of these years. Never remarried, never dated another man...nothing. She lost a daughter when she was a teenager in a terrible accident when a train hit their car. She has lost all of her grandchildren and her husband as well. At 92, she told me that the only way to get through the difficult times in your life, is to just tell the Lord, "Lord, I can't deal with this on my own. I really need your help. I am giving it all to you" I think this is some of the best advice I have gotten from her. And right at the perfect time when I needed to hear that the most. With all of the sadness, grief, death, stress etc....I have dealt with in my life, and now the infertility journey we have been placed on too for the past 5 years, I can honestly say, that my only option is to let God handle it. It is all out of my control! There was nothing I could do about my Dad getting killed. There is and wasn't anything I could do about being infertile. The Doctors had to help me and Brandon figure it all out. We couldn't have done that part on our own. Of course we have had to put in effort as well. After all, God will only help those that can also help themselves. Even though He can do all of the work, doesn't mean He will. We have to put in a little bit of effort to show God that we really want this or that to happen and we are willing to do whatever we have to in order for it to happen.
So, for now as always, we wait to see the follicles grow!!! I go back to Dr. L on October 2nd and October 4th for ultrasounds of my little follicles to see how big they are! I pray they really grow and that there are lots of them! The more there are that are big enough, the better chance of conception. But as always, anything is possible when our God is involved!! And if it is not His time for us, this will not happen this month and I understand that. But I am being optimistic!! After all, God wants us to be happy and positive! Not sad or worried and all negative Nelly's! Stay tuned for more updates as we board the ship IUI! We are fixing to set sail! Starting tomorrow of course! Please be in prayer for us!! We always need your prayers! I hope and pray that maybe just one of you that read this blog, will figure out that Jesus is the only way! Especially with the Infertility journey we are on together! Let go and let God handle it!! He's got this!!
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Never giving up!
So, today I went for my first ultrasound of this IUI cycle and it was a fantastic appointment. I had absolutely NO cysts which is such a blessing! Last month I had 2 but luckily they did not cause us to have to postpone our cycle as they were not producing a large quantity of Estrodol. So this was such an answered prayer!!
God has been so good to us and we are so undeserving of it. After the BFN (big fat negative) pregnancy test from the cycle last month, I was very down and very close to losing faith. Then something amazing happened and I felt like I had a ton of bricks lifted off of my chest the very next day after we got the call. I knew it was God's way of saying "Okay sweetie! It is time to move on. Its a new day and the start of another cycle for you." I was dwelling so much on the BFN that I wasn't praising God for the big fat positive's He had placed in our lives throughout that cycle month. I had no idea going in to that cycle whether or not I would even ovulate. I had no idea if I would respond to the medication. Well, I did both!! I responded so well to the medication and ovulated perfectly. The Dr. told us today that we have a textbook situation and everything is perfect for conception. That my friends, is a major BLESSING!!
We signed all of our consents today which made it so real that this cycle will be much different from the last one and the fact that what I have prayed for, for so very long is here. For those of you who have absolutely NO idea what an IUI is...It is Intra-Uterine-Insemination. Brandon will have to do a sperm collection and the lab will wash it and get rid of the "liquid" then inject the sperm really close to my fallopian tubes right at the time of ovulation, with a very flexible, long syringe. There is a much better chance of conception due to the fact, the sperm is right there where they need to be. It works well in most all couples that respond well to the medications but I have a tilted Uterus so there is a big chance that the sperm do not make it up far enough to the right place when doing timed intercourse. So, this is our choice. I am not ashamed or embarrassed of choosing to do something more aggressive in order to have my dream come true. Mother's will do anything in the world for their children, and I see this as nothing less. I will do whatever I must do, in order to become a mother. God puts these opportunities in our lives for a specific reason. Sometimes, we just need help and Doctors are God's helpers. Dr. Lipari is a God sent for us and I am ever so grateful for how far we have come since our first appointment with him.
For now, I will take my last birth control pill on Saturday and have a period sometime next week. Then next Friday I will do a home pregnancy test to ensure that I am not pregnant before we proceed with the medications. Next Saturday I will take ALL of my oral medication then that following week we start the every other day Ultrasounds until we get these Follie's big enough to do the IUI! Last night I was not very excited..I must say I was pretty down about this whole process. I think I really got my hopes up too high last month and was let down hard when it was negative. So, as a defense mechanism, my heart is not letting me get too much into this cycle. But I am slowly getting a little more excited about the coming weeks. I cannot wait to get the call that we have a BIG FAT POSITIVE test and then getting to see our baby on ultrasound for the first time not long after that call! I cannot wait! But as we all know, everything is in God's perfect timing, not ours. And believe me, His time will be the absolute PERFECT time!! Thank you all for the encouragement and for taking time out to read my posts each time. I hope and pray that maybe this blog will open the eyes of those that do not know what it is like to be in the shoes of those that are going through Infertility issues. I pray it will help someone that is going through it, to better understand some of the things that they are going through. I pray it will be a vessel for God's work and a way for God to bring even just one person to Christ! I am so thankful for this opportunity and for the fact that I am able to share our story with you all!! Keep praying guys!!! We still need every single prayer we can get!!
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Lessons learned, Part 1
I think if anything, over the past couple of months I have learned quite a few valuable lessons. I believe that this is all apart of this journey for us. It is a really big learning experience and the lessons are to be used during our every day lives.
- I have learned that plans never work! Do not make plans and stick to them, because most likely they will not happen exactly how you planned. Just go with the flow.
- Do not trust anyone. Love them? Why yes, of course because that is what God wants us to do is love our brothers and sisters and do not harm them. But trust is something you must be worthy of and just to be on the safe side, always have your guard half way up and half way down. I have learned this will keep you from falling too far when you have trusted and been betrayed.
- Never say never. I never imagined 6 years ago that I would be where I am today. I never imagined I would want to be a Mother and not be able to get pregnant on my own. I never thought this would happen to me. But I quickly learned to never say never. Anything that could possibly happen in this world, CAN happen to you. Nothing makes you exempt from any of life's trials and tribulations.
- Do what makes you happy!! This is a big one for me because for the past couple of years I have done things to make everyone else happy. I put things on hold to make others needs be met before my own. I didn't take very good care of myself and didn't want to lose my job, so I let my blood pressure issue go until I knew that my health is more important and could not be put on hold any longer. After all, my blood pressure issue is what put our cycle on hold for 2 months until it got under control. I made the decision last week to put all the negative things behind me and negative people behind me, so I quit my job and I am happier than I have been in a long while. Do what makes you happy. It may not mean quitting your job, maybe just find another one that will make you happy. Be around people that make you happy. People you dont have to explain yourself too. People that matter in your life! Happy Happy Happy!!
- Put God first and everything else will fall into place. This could not be more true. I was not raised in church at all. I would occassionally go with my great grandmother to a small church in my home town where maybe 20 members resided. I never read the bible and was never showed that God was the reason for everything around me. God created everything. The Heavens and the Earth. I was never showed that God wants me to live for Him and as long as I have Him in my earthly life, I will have an eternal life in Heaven. Being on this journey, being faithful has not always been so easy and I am tested on a daily basis. However, I have learned that by putting God first, all else will fall in to its appropriate place at just the right time. God's time that is!
- Cry when you need to!!! Yes, I have learned that crying is okay and is a part of life. Cry when you need to. Even if you are in a public place. Emotions make you a true person. People who show no emotion are not alive in side. I can sit and cry for 20 minutes then feel like a new person after. Cry it out then move on. Never forget but do not dwell on whatever it may be that has made you cry. Give it to God. He wants to take on all of our burdens, our sorrows.
- Lean on the ones you love. Without my amazing husband and my family, I would not be where I am today. When I first started going to church and doing right, of course I would slip and be angry and say things that were not very nice. I got a lot of criticism about being a hypocrite because I went to church on Sundays and tried to do right but had set backs in my walk with Jesus. I would slip up and say a curse word when something didn't go my way or I would get into an argument with my husband or someone else in my family. It is perfectly okay as long as you know you were wrong and you learn from it, ask for forgiveness because our God is so forgiving, then move forward. I lean on those that I love to keep me going on my journey, both with Christ and in trying to become a mother.
- You are not better than anyone! I would be the first to judge someone that didn't dress appropriately to a function or dress appropriately in general. I was the first to make fun of people. I was raised that when you go out somewhere, you shower and you look decent (clean clothes, good hygiene, brush your hair). Some people do not care about those things. Or do not have the means to have new clothes, water to shower or soap to clean themselves with, even a hair brush to comb their hair. Some are not fortunate. I have to stop and remember that God wants us to be servants to those people. Help one another. I am hesitant and learning at this still because I am not used to offering a helping hand to someone that has no desire to help themselves, but I have to learn to do it. It is what God would want me to do. Jesus did not see the dirty clothes, the oily hair/skin or the tangled hair. He did not smell the stinch of body odor from an unclean person. He didn't care. We are all the same in God's eyes so it did not matter to him what we look like or smell like. It is how we act that matters the most. The things we do in this life.
- Do not wait to do anything! Do not wait to tell someone you love them. Do not wait to give a hug or a kiss to those you love. Do not wait until the "time is right" or "things get better". There is no better time for anything than "NOW"!! I was one that always said I would wait to have children when the time was right and my husband I were settled and right where we wanted to be in life. I was the first to say that I wanted to be "set" before I had babies so I could give them everything they ever dreamed of. Well, like I said first, never make plans because our plans and God's plans for our lives are much different. This has been a huge lesson for me!! Now is the best time for everything!!
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Another bump
Well, today was not the happy joyous day I had planned for. Huh, I guess I should learn that MY plans are NOT the plans that will ever work out. God has a different set of plans drawn out for my life. And being pregnant this month was not in those plans. Yes, I am sad. Yes, I am devastated. Yes, I am asking God why not now...But it isn't my place to question. I will keep pushing forward. Our care coordinator said that everything on both of our ends are perfect. I ovulated perfectly and Brandon's levels are all still amazing so everything is right where it needs to be from a clinical stand point. It just wasn't our time.
I have already scheduled our next route for another cycle. This time we will be more aggressive and do something a little more controlled. I will post more about it when the time comes. For right now we just have to continue to wait...until I start my period which should happen on its own since I absolutely ovulated and I am still so thankful for that bit of good news last week. Then I will call and they will make my first appointment of the next cycle.
No matter what God puts us through, we will continue to stand strong and weather this storm together. I would be lying if I said I wasn't sad about this. I am absolutely devastated and heart broken. But God knows what He is doing. He is the Alpha, the Omega, the first and the last. He made the Heavens and the Earth....I trust Him to take over this situation and make me a baby too!!! Especially for me!! And our time WILL come!!! Sorry this isn't the happy place right now...But I vowed to be honest in this blog when I started it. Everyone going through this same situation needs to know that they are not alone. They are not the only ones who feels these emotions.
Thank you all for the prayers you have sent up these past couple of weeks and months. Please do not stop here. We need your prayers until we are done with this journey and on to a new journey! Thank you again!! I love you all!!
I have already scheduled our next route for another cycle. This time we will be more aggressive and do something a little more controlled. I will post more about it when the time comes. For right now we just have to continue to wait...until I start my period which should happen on its own since I absolutely ovulated and I am still so thankful for that bit of good news last week. Then I will call and they will make my first appointment of the next cycle.
No matter what God puts us through, we will continue to stand strong and weather this storm together. I would be lying if I said I wasn't sad about this. I am absolutely devastated and heart broken. But God knows what He is doing. He is the Alpha, the Omega, the first and the last. He made the Heavens and the Earth....I trust Him to take over this situation and make me a baby too!!! Especially for me!! And our time WILL come!!! Sorry this isn't the happy place right now...But I vowed to be honest in this blog when I started it. Everyone going through this same situation needs to know that they are not alone. They are not the only ones who feels these emotions.
Thank you all for the prayers you have sent up these past couple of weeks and months. Please do not stop here. We need your prayers until we are done with this journey and on to a new journey! Thank you again!! I love you all!!
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
We must BELIEVE!!
As I sit here tonight, I would be lying if I said I was anything but scared to death of tomorrow's outcome. I believe that even the most faithful people get scared of situations and this is one of those. Brandon and I have prayed for 5 years 1 month and 7 days for a "+" pregnancy test and to finally become parents. Tomorrow could possibly be a day to start praying for something other than that "+". A day to start praying for a healthy pregnancy and to thank God, as I have already, for the beautiful baby boy or girl He will bless us with in 9 months. A day to thank God for making me finally a "Mommy"!
Please keep us in your prayers tonight and tomorrow. I will update as soon as I can to inform you all of the results and whether they are good or bad, I will keep on keeping on with this journey. I will not give up on my Baby!! I read a quote by Tim Tebow that has really stuck with me lately. He said "I do not know what my future holds, but I know who holds my future." I kind of tweaked it to fit my situation and it goes like this "I do not know what tomorrow holds, but I know who holds my tomorrow". God knows already tonight as I sit here writing this post. He already knows if there is a baby baking in my oven or if there ever will be for that matter. God already knows! I take peace in knowing that no matter what I can and will lean on Him for more strength to push through if the results of tomorrows tests are not what I want. I will continue to push through and rely on God to get me to Motherhood! Thank you all so much for your prayers during this time for us! It means the world to both Brandon and I!! It is amazing to know that we are associated with such wonderful Christian people who believe in the power of prayer!! Thank you all again!! I will leave you with this verse that I have clung to over the past years.
Please keep us in your prayers tonight and tomorrow. I will update as soon as I can to inform you all of the results and whether they are good or bad, I will keep on keeping on with this journey. I will not give up on my Baby!! I read a quote by Tim Tebow that has really stuck with me lately. He said "I do not know what my future holds, but I know who holds my future." I kind of tweaked it to fit my situation and it goes like this "I do not know what tomorrow holds, but I know who holds my tomorrow". God knows already tonight as I sit here writing this post. He already knows if there is a baby baking in my oven or if there ever will be for that matter. God already knows! I take peace in knowing that no matter what I can and will lean on Him for more strength to push through if the results of tomorrows tests are not what I want. I will continue to push through and rely on God to get me to Motherhood! Thank you all so much for your prayers during this time for us! It means the world to both Brandon and I!! It is amazing to know that we are associated with such wonderful Christian people who believe in the power of prayer!! Thank you all again!! I will leave you with this verse that I have clung to over the past years.
Friday, August 30, 2013
One blessing at a time
Well....For those that are following our journey, we have gotten some really great news (or so we think anyways)!! No, I am not pregnant (or I could be but we don't know yet) but I did get my progesterone levels back yesterday and the level is 20.9!!!! Which means that I without a doubt ovulated last week with the injections!! YAY!!!! Such an answered prayer!!! Of course it may not seem like a big deal to some of you but let me just tell you...ITS A BIG DEAL!!!! Another blessing from our ever so faithful Father!!!
Now, we just have to continue to pray and we will go back to the Doctor on Wednesday for the BIG DAY!!! They will draw my blood to check for HcG and see if I am pregnant. Of course I will not find out right away...(UGH RARRRRR) but I should definitely know by the end of the day Wednesday. In order to respect my emotions and whatever else that day, I will not be posting the outcome of that appointment right away. I know that I have a lot of readers and I am ever so thankful and blessed to have each and every one of you tuning in to what is the most emotional journey of our lives, but I know that it is very early in, when we do get a positive test and many many things can happen in a very short amount of time. Now now...You wont have to wait too long...Just until we know for sure whether or not my levels will continue to rise and be at a healthy place to say....I am definitely pregnant!!!
The past couple of days have been somewhat of a roller coaster, emotionally. As I sit to prepare myself for the best or the worst next Wednesday and I think of all of the amazing things that God has done this far for us, I can't help but think of a sweet family that will be laying their 3 month old baby boy to rest tomorrow. My heart is so heavy and I could never imagine their pain. Yes, I have lost a lot of my loved ones in my family, but to have to say "see you later" to your precious little miracle, is just beyond me. I always turn to my faith in times like this. When my Dad was killed, the only thing going through my mind was "WHY?" and I got 22 years with my Dad.It was the worst thing I have ever gone through in my whole entire life. To have to say "WHY?" after 3 months with your sweet little one would have to be a pain so unbearable. I can't help but pray so hard that God will give them comfort, peace and understanding through such a terrible time in their lives. God is our ultimate comforter. He will wrap his loving arms around us in times like this. He loves us!! We may not see everything in perspective right now but along the way, we will definitely see it!
So, to all of my peeps, please keep this sweet family in your prayers! Keep praying for myself and Brandon as we try to stay calm and not be all stressed awaiting the results of next Wednesdays blood test!!! Thank you all so much for your support and love during this ever so difficult time for us!! And remember "Some miracles come soon; Some come late; And some don't come until Heaven; But for those that embrace the Gospel of Jesus Christ, THEY COME"!!!! Such an amazing and truthful reminder! Chat with you all soon!!!
P.S...Don't we all wish we had a fairy Godmother!!!! Cinderella was a lucky chick!! I could sure put that magic wand to use!!! ha ha!!
Now, we just have to continue to pray and we will go back to the Doctor on Wednesday for the BIG DAY!!! They will draw my blood to check for HcG and see if I am pregnant. Of course I will not find out right away...(UGH RARRRRR) but I should definitely know by the end of the day Wednesday. In order to respect my emotions and whatever else that day, I will not be posting the outcome of that appointment right away. I know that I have a lot of readers and I am ever so thankful and blessed to have each and every one of you tuning in to what is the most emotional journey of our lives, but I know that it is very early in, when we do get a positive test and many many things can happen in a very short amount of time. Now now...You wont have to wait too long...Just until we know for sure whether or not my levels will continue to rise and be at a healthy place to say....I am definitely pregnant!!!
The past couple of days have been somewhat of a roller coaster, emotionally. As I sit to prepare myself for the best or the worst next Wednesday and I think of all of the amazing things that God has done this far for us, I can't help but think of a sweet family that will be laying their 3 month old baby boy to rest tomorrow. My heart is so heavy and I could never imagine their pain. Yes, I have lost a lot of my loved ones in my family, but to have to say "see you later" to your precious little miracle, is just beyond me. I always turn to my faith in times like this. When my Dad was killed, the only thing going through my mind was "WHY?" and I got 22 years with my Dad.It was the worst thing I have ever gone through in my whole entire life. To have to say "WHY?" after 3 months with your sweet little one would have to be a pain so unbearable. I can't help but pray so hard that God will give them comfort, peace and understanding through such a terrible time in their lives. God is our ultimate comforter. He will wrap his loving arms around us in times like this. He loves us!! We may not see everything in perspective right now but along the way, we will definitely see it!
So, to all of my peeps, please keep this sweet family in your prayers! Keep praying for myself and Brandon as we try to stay calm and not be all stressed awaiting the results of next Wednesdays blood test!!! Thank you all so much for your support and love during this ever so difficult time for us!! And remember "Some miracles come soon; Some come late; And some don't come until Heaven; But for those that embrace the Gospel of Jesus Christ, THEY COME"!!!! Such an amazing and truthful reminder! Chat with you all soon!!!
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Waiting is the hardest part....
It has been a while since I have poured myself into this blog...I am sorry...It has been a rough past couple of weeks. Emotional...yes...mentally...yes...physically...yes....It has been rough!!!
On August 10th, I took (10) Letrizol to jump start the follicle making. On Sunday August 11th, I started feeling very nauseated and had a terrible bout of extreme dizziness and light headed. I figured it was from the medication so I trucked on and waited until our appointment for our first ultrasound to see how many maturing follicles we had. So on August 14th, we went in for our first official appointment to see how mature my follicles were and low and behold we had FIVE! It was very exciting and very emotional to see all the fluid filled little sacs that contained all of my eggies (aka..Potential Baby Luther). To see my husband sitting in the chair watching the screen and getting a huge smile on his face with watery eyes, just absolutely made my heart melt. It definitely is the start to something wonderful!
So we went back on August 16th to check again...They had grown significantly and there was definitely 4 that would hopefully be mature by Monday the 19th for the Doctor to release my eggs for ovulation. Well, I wasn't as "easy" as I should have been over the weekend and on Monday morning we had our next ultrasound (usually the last) to check for exact size of the follicles. Well, I am still so blessed by even the news of only being 2 definite and 1 maybe that would be mature enough to be released. Of course I cried because 4 sure sounded best, but it only takes ONE! So aside from the fact two follicles had disappeared due to me not taking it easy and probably stressing way more than I should have, WE ARE BLESSED TO HAVE FINALLY GOTTEN THIS FAR!!!!
Of course the plan was not on track for releasing these babies on Monday the 19th, nor Tuesday the 20th because they wanted them to get as big as they could before giving me the injection of HcG to release them. I was of course, a nervous wreck and still am for that matter. I had to stay in bed due to the injection giving me an awful reaction at the injection site and causing a softball size knot to appear with a red and feverish spot the size of a softball on the outside of my stomach. I had to focus on timed intercourse (TMI I know but hey this is a blog about our quest to become parents so duh...That is how babies get here!!) and laying with my pelvis tilted...It was a whirlwind of a week for me. I have been so dizzy and since the oral medication and the injection I have had the worst migraine ever of my life. But I keep looking at the prize!!! OUR BABY!!! OUR MIRACLE!!! OUR BLESSING FROM THE LORD JESUS CHRIST!!! That is what keeps me from having a total meltdown and just sitting and crying about it all. I WILL be a Mommy!! I know it!!
Tuesday this week (August 27th) I will go back for another appointment for them to see if I actually ovulated (released all of the mature eggs). Then on September 4th they will draw my blood to see if I am actually PREGNANT!! Oh em Gee!!!! Waiting on this date is the hardest and the longest part of this whole journey we have been on for the last 5 years and 1 month. I have taken a pregnancy test every month for the past 5 years and this time, I will be sitting it out and waiting on the Doctor's office to tell me the dreaded "NO" or the ever so prayed for "YES"! God has been so good to us! This whole journey may be coming to an end very soon and I must say if I could go back and change anything I definitely wouldn't. I would've found Jesus way before I did because He has been my strength along with my husband through this entire roller coaster. It is amazing at the friendships I have made just from talking about this very common thing we call "Infertility"! Some are ashamed and will not talk about it or offer a helping hand to others that are on this journey, but I feel if I can help someone to better understand Infertility as a whole, then God is working in me to do just that!! I am sure I will be updating this week, just to get stuff off of my chest since I am already a nervous wreck about what is or isn't going on in my uterus right now...I wish I could call down there and ask the receptionist is there any visitors hanging out on the uterine lining for the next 9 months!!! ha ha!! Hey, a girl can wish, Jack!!! I love you all and thank you for your prayers!! Keep them coming, as we will definitely be needing them!!!
On August 10th, I took (10) Letrizol to jump start the follicle making. On Sunday August 11th, I started feeling very nauseated and had a terrible bout of extreme dizziness and light headed. I figured it was from the medication so I trucked on and waited until our appointment for our first ultrasound to see how many maturing follicles we had. So on August 14th, we went in for our first official appointment to see how mature my follicles were and low and behold we had FIVE! It was very exciting and very emotional to see all the fluid filled little sacs that contained all of my eggies (aka..Potential Baby Luther). To see my husband sitting in the chair watching the screen and getting a huge smile on his face with watery eyes, just absolutely made my heart melt. It definitely is the start to something wonderful!
So we went back on August 16th to check again...They had grown significantly and there was definitely 4 that would hopefully be mature by Monday the 19th for the Doctor to release my eggs for ovulation. Well, I wasn't as "easy" as I should have been over the weekend and on Monday morning we had our next ultrasound (usually the last) to check for exact size of the follicles. Well, I am still so blessed by even the news of only being 2 definite and 1 maybe that would be mature enough to be released. Of course I cried because 4 sure sounded best, but it only takes ONE! So aside from the fact two follicles had disappeared due to me not taking it easy and probably stressing way more than I should have, WE ARE BLESSED TO HAVE FINALLY GOTTEN THIS FAR!!!!
Of course the plan was not on track for releasing these babies on Monday the 19th, nor Tuesday the 20th because they wanted them to get as big as they could before giving me the injection of HcG to release them. I was of course, a nervous wreck and still am for that matter. I had to stay in bed due to the injection giving me an awful reaction at the injection site and causing a softball size knot to appear with a red and feverish spot the size of a softball on the outside of my stomach. I had to focus on timed intercourse (TMI I know but hey this is a blog about our quest to become parents so duh...That is how babies get here!!) and laying with my pelvis tilted...It was a whirlwind of a week for me. I have been so dizzy and since the oral medication and the injection I have had the worst migraine ever of my life. But I keep looking at the prize!!! OUR BABY!!! OUR MIRACLE!!! OUR BLESSING FROM THE LORD JESUS CHRIST!!! That is what keeps me from having a total meltdown and just sitting and crying about it all. I WILL be a Mommy!! I know it!!
Tuesday this week (August 27th) I will go back for another appointment for them to see if I actually ovulated (released all of the mature eggs). Then on September 4th they will draw my blood to see if I am actually PREGNANT!! Oh em Gee!!!! Waiting on this date is the hardest and the longest part of this whole journey we have been on for the last 5 years and 1 month. I have taken a pregnancy test every month for the past 5 years and this time, I will be sitting it out and waiting on the Doctor's office to tell me the dreaded "NO" or the ever so prayed for "YES"! God has been so good to us! This whole journey may be coming to an end very soon and I must say if I could go back and change anything I definitely wouldn't. I would've found Jesus way before I did because He has been my strength along with my husband through this entire roller coaster. It is amazing at the friendships I have made just from talking about this very common thing we call "Infertility"! Some are ashamed and will not talk about it or offer a helping hand to others that are on this journey, but I feel if I can help someone to better understand Infertility as a whole, then God is working in me to do just that!! I am sure I will be updating this week, just to get stuff off of my chest since I am already a nervous wreck about what is or isn't going on in my uterus right now...I wish I could call down there and ask the receptionist is there any visitors hanging out on the uterine lining for the next 9 months!!! ha ha!! Hey, a girl can wish, Jack!!! I love you all and thank you for your prayers!! Keep them coming, as we will definitely be needing them!!!
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
A sick kind of day...UGH
So, as I sit here in the bed not feeling well at all...(Saturday was the day I had to take my oral fertility medication) I figured pouring myself into my blog would be the best way to get over the blues of this process.
The happenings of this past week has really made me sit and ponder on what could happen in my very near future. I was diagnosed with high blood pressure when I was 17 years old. Genetic, YES. My Dad always had really high blood pressure that he chose to do nothing about. It runs in my family. With that being said, preeclampsia is a possibility of course in every pregnancy. I seem to believe it is a little more possible in my pregnancy or pregnancies, due to the fact I do have high blood pressure prior to becoming pregnant.It has been a fear ever since we started trying to become pregnant, over 5 years ago now. But I have remember that being fearful is without faith. I have to keep the faith and know that God will take care of me during this pregnancy we are praying for this month. God is good ALL of the time.
I must say I am a little nervous about our appointment tomorrow. I go for my first official ultrasound of my little eggies to see how many there are and how big they are getting!! After all, they only have T minus 7 days to be big enough to get fertilized!! They better get on the ball! It makes it all surreal to finally be in a cycle and finally be on the road to becoming parents very soon!! I will update tomorrow again after our appointment with how big our little follicles are getting and how far we are progressing!! YAY! So exciting! Even though the meds are making me feel like I have been ran over by a Mac truck, I am still excited and I know this will all be worth it one sweet day!! Hopefully and prayerfully very soon!
The happenings of this past week has really made me sit and ponder on what could happen in my very near future. I was diagnosed with high blood pressure when I was 17 years old. Genetic, YES. My Dad always had really high blood pressure that he chose to do nothing about. It runs in my family. With that being said, preeclampsia is a possibility of course in every pregnancy. I seem to believe it is a little more possible in my pregnancy or pregnancies, due to the fact I do have high blood pressure prior to becoming pregnant.It has been a fear ever since we started trying to become pregnant, over 5 years ago now. But I have remember that being fearful is without faith. I have to keep the faith and know that God will take care of me during this pregnancy we are praying for this month. God is good ALL of the time.
I must say I am a little nervous about our appointment tomorrow. I go for my first official ultrasound of my little eggies to see how many there are and how big they are getting!! After all, they only have T minus 7 days to be big enough to get fertilized!! They better get on the ball! It makes it all surreal to finally be in a cycle and finally be on the road to becoming parents very soon!! I will update tomorrow again after our appointment with how big our little follicles are getting and how far we are progressing!! YAY! So exciting! Even though the meds are making me feel like I have been ran over by a Mac truck, I am still excited and I know this will all be worth it one sweet day!! Hopefully and prayerfully very soon!
Saturday, August 3, 2013
Blessed be the day
As I sit here tonight I can only be so grateful that God has been so good to me when I am so undeserving. This past week we had another appointment (August 1st). Since things are a "GO" for this first (and last hopefully and God willing) cycle we have been praying for, I have lots of ultrasounds that are in my near future and that happened to be the very first one. We got to the office and they took me back to the imaging room and only being the second time I have been in this dreaded room, I was over come with emotions this time. As you walk into these rooms, there are medium sized flat screen TV's on the wall of each room. These are most definitely meant for happy, blessed new Mommy's and Daddy's to see their sweet little miracles. I sat there waiting (not for very long) and imagined how I will feel on the day we go in and get to see our sweet little miracle right before our very eyes on those same TV screens. Such an emotional thing to think about when you have been waiting 5 years and 6 days to be able to see that tiny little miracle on a stick or a screen for that matter. Blessed be the day!
Any hoo, one of the ARNP's came in and she did the ultrasound to check for cysts and follicles on my ovaries. There was nothing at all on my right ovary (PTL!! The many many cysts that once surrounded both ovaries are GONE thanks to meds and proper PCOS nutrition!!) and 2 pretty good sized black dots on my left ovary that could either be cysts or follicles. The only way to tell is to do a blood test checking for a certain hormone that cysts produce. After a long over night wait for a STAT blood test, the levels came back great and we get to stay on track with the current calendar for this months cycle!!! The big black spots are most likely follicles (yay) so we will be getting a "lefty" this month!! Ha ha!
To back track a little, the beginning of last week I received an email with a calendar for the whole month of August, some consent forms and lab work orders. On the calendar there are numerous exciting dates (the 19th and 20th are intercourse days so those of course are EXCITING!! ha ha) for the month but the most exciting will be August 27th! That is the day we go back and I will have my blood drawn to see if the cycle worked this month. To see if I am PREGGO!!! Just the idea that the day is only almost 23 days away makes me extremely nervous and semi sick to my stomach. I have waited so long for this day to come and I am so thankful that God has blessed us all along this journey with faith and financial means to pursue this rather expensive process to become parents! So long story short....This month is going to be exciting with great news come August 27th! Please keep praying for this month to be "OUR MONTH"!! God is definitely working!!
Before I close this post tonight, I want to close with a little something for someone that may read this post and be thinking "Why in the world is this girl putting all of her personal life out there for the world to see?" Well, to be honest I feel that by writing this very real blog, I will help someone, even if it is just one person, that is going through the same things we have gone through for the last 5 years. That someone like myself, who has avoided friends, places, parties, etc...Because of the emotional toll pregnant friends, kids birthday parties, baby showers, etc...have on someone who is going through infertility. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! Through this journey, God has placed people in my life that never would have been in my life had it not been for this journey. Life long friends. I have a better understanding of each aspect of this journey by having to type the details out for each and every one that reads this blog. I feel that God chose me to help someone in need of better understanding infertility and PCOS, through my blog and to help me grow in my relationship with Him and on my journey to being a better Christian. I am so thankful and not ashamed one bit of what I tell you. I am blessed to be able to get the opportunity to share our story and to hopefully and prayerfully, help someone else on their journey to becoming parents as well.
Stay tuned for more exciting happenings this month!! August IS our month!! Keep us in your prayers!!
Any hoo, one of the ARNP's came in and she did the ultrasound to check for cysts and follicles on my ovaries. There was nothing at all on my right ovary (PTL!! The many many cysts that once surrounded both ovaries are GONE thanks to meds and proper PCOS nutrition!!) and 2 pretty good sized black dots on my left ovary that could either be cysts or follicles. The only way to tell is to do a blood test checking for a certain hormone that cysts produce. After a long over night wait for a STAT blood test, the levels came back great and we get to stay on track with the current calendar for this months cycle!!! The big black spots are most likely follicles (yay) so we will be getting a "lefty" this month!! Ha ha!
To back track a little, the beginning of last week I received an email with a calendar for the whole month of August, some consent forms and lab work orders. On the calendar there are numerous exciting dates (the 19th and 20th are intercourse days so those of course are EXCITING!! ha ha) for the month but the most exciting will be August 27th! That is the day we go back and I will have my blood drawn to see if the cycle worked this month. To see if I am PREGGO!!! Just the idea that the day is only almost 23 days away makes me extremely nervous and semi sick to my stomach. I have waited so long for this day to come and I am so thankful that God has blessed us all along this journey with faith and financial means to pursue this rather expensive process to become parents! So long story short....This month is going to be exciting with great news come August 27th! Please keep praying for this month to be "OUR MONTH"!! God is definitely working!!
Before I close this post tonight, I want to close with a little something for someone that may read this post and be thinking "Why in the world is this girl putting all of her personal life out there for the world to see?" Well, to be honest I feel that by writing this very real blog, I will help someone, even if it is just one person, that is going through the same things we have gone through for the last 5 years. That someone like myself, who has avoided friends, places, parties, etc...Because of the emotional toll pregnant friends, kids birthday parties, baby showers, etc...have on someone who is going through infertility. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! Through this journey, God has placed people in my life that never would have been in my life had it not been for this journey. Life long friends. I have a better understanding of each aspect of this journey by having to type the details out for each and every one that reads this blog. I feel that God chose me to help someone in need of better understanding infertility and PCOS, through my blog and to help me grow in my relationship with Him and on my journey to being a better Christian. I am so thankful and not ashamed one bit of what I tell you. I am blessed to be able to get the opportunity to share our story and to hopefully and prayerfully, help someone else on their journey to becoming parents as well.
Stay tuned for more exciting happenings this month!! August IS our month!! Keep us in your prayers!!
Sunday, July 21, 2013
There is light at the end of the lonely tunnel!!
As I sit here tonight and think about the happenings of this past week, I can't help but be so so extremely thankful to our amazing God, our Father! For the past 5 years (July 28th will be 5 years to the day I stopped my birth control and had my first appointment with my OB-GYN at the time) I have cried so many tears of sadness, anger, disappointment and worry. For the past 5 years I have bought roughly 120 at home pregnancy tests that have all read "negative". I would sit and wonder why I have not started my period but yet the pregnancy tests are all saying "sorry, not this time". Somewhere in these last 5 years, I have changed and became a different person. To some, it may not seem that way, but to myself I can tell vital things have changed. One mainly being my faith and my belief in our Heavenly Father (the most important change). April 20th, 2011 I gave my life to Christ again and decided that even though I was not being dealt the cards I wanted, I was being dealt the cards that God wanted me to have and I would have to learn to deal with it. It has NOT been easy sticking to my faith during all of the last 5 years and it has not been easy even since April 2011, but I can say, with Faith comes trials! Yes, even the most faithful still have trials in their lives and if they say they do not then don't believe them. God gives us trials because it makes our Faith stronger and our belief in Him stronger! Over the past 5 years, I have grown in my faith. And for that I am ever so thankful!
To start off the amazing past week, on Tuesday July 16th my best friend (more like my sister) gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, Adleigh! I have never been so filled with love! She is absolutely perfect! She was born with Down's Syndrome (they had no idea) but God has put her on this earth to serve a valuable purpose! This sweet baby girl will touch so many lives and I am blessed and thankful to be able to be apart of hers! Of course I have been enjoying all of the baby snuggles and I just can't get enough of her! When you see such miracles, how is it not possible to believe in God?
Wedneday July 17th, Brandon and I had another appointment with Dr. Lipari. This will mark our 3rd with him (because he is the Big Dog of the fertility world) so I went into this appointment a nervous wreck. I must say I had little faith, even though God has shown us so much love and promise throughout this journey. I am not sure why, but I just figured we would still have to wait "another month". When we got all settled in around the "round table" waiting on Dr. L to come in, Brandon and I sat there and didn't say a word. It was completely silent and I couldn't help but wonder what was going on inside that head of his. Was he scared, nervous, excited....I couldn't read him. But when Dr. L came in I knew he was nervous just as I was (to a point of making myself sick on my stomach). After all I have waited since January this year for this appointment. I have actually waited 5 years for this appointment to be exact. Dr L said how wonderfully excited he was for us to be back in this office with him for this appointment because he had some really great news and alot of information to give us. He started out with how pleased he was with the increase of Brandon's sperm and the decrease of all of my hormone levels (testosterone to be exact). He talked for a while on the importance of each and how everything goes to together (explained meds etc...). He then told us the news we have been waiting to hear "It is time to put you in a cycle, but whenever you guys are ready" (is this man crazy!! I was ready 5 years ago!! ) I told him that Brandon and I have spent 5 years discussing our options all the way to adoption. We have looked at adoption agencies and even filled out questionnaires to a few. I told him we are so ready! He then told us how it will all work and that I will need to be on birth control for 2 weeks (8 to 10 days) then sometime within the next few days our Care Coordinator, Marty, would be contacting us with all of the needed information (Excel sheet with all of the days I will need take certain meds, etc). I will go back in approximately 2 weeks for an ultrasound of my ovaries to see just how many little follicles there are and then he will give me an injection to make me ovulate within 24 hours from the time he gives it to me. From that point, we wait and come back for blood work and more ultrasounds to see if it worked or if we will have to do another cycle. I am praying and I ask you all to please pray, this cycle will work and I will finally get to hear the words "YOU ARE PREGNANT"!!
Becoming a Mother is one of the most important things I want out of this life! I want that unconditional love of being a Mother, the worry, the laughter and all of the happiness that comes with being a mother! I want the dirty diapers, the vomit, the late nights or all nighter's, the tears, the spankings, potty training that all come with being a mother! Not just the good, but the bad as well! Its a package deal and I am so ready and praying that soon I will get all of these things! I am so extremely thankful for this journey and even though it is not over yet, I can see the light at the end of the lonely tunnel. Never give up! God keeps his promises ladies! Hebrews 11:11 says “It was by faith that even Sarah was able to have a child, though she was barren and was too old. She believed that God would keep his promise.” As we all that are traveling on this journey together should believe that God will keep His promises!! Please keep praying and I ask that you please pray for my dear sweet friend Addie and her new little one Adleigh, as Adleigh goes through testing this week! Please keep them in your prayers for positive feedback from the Doctors and for a healthy little angel baby!!
Much Love to you all!!
To start off the amazing past week, on Tuesday July 16th my best friend (more like my sister) gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, Adleigh! I have never been so filled with love! She is absolutely perfect! She was born with Down's Syndrome (they had no idea) but God has put her on this earth to serve a valuable purpose! This sweet baby girl will touch so many lives and I am blessed and thankful to be able to be apart of hers! Of course I have been enjoying all of the baby snuggles and I just can't get enough of her! When you see such miracles, how is it not possible to believe in God?
Wedneday July 17th, Brandon and I had another appointment with Dr. Lipari. This will mark our 3rd with him (because he is the Big Dog of the fertility world) so I went into this appointment a nervous wreck. I must say I had little faith, even though God has shown us so much love and promise throughout this journey. I am not sure why, but I just figured we would still have to wait "another month". When we got all settled in around the "round table" waiting on Dr. L to come in, Brandon and I sat there and didn't say a word. It was completely silent and I couldn't help but wonder what was going on inside that head of his. Was he scared, nervous, excited....I couldn't read him. But when Dr. L came in I knew he was nervous just as I was (to a point of making myself sick on my stomach). After all I have waited since January this year for this appointment. I have actually waited 5 years for this appointment to be exact. Dr L said how wonderfully excited he was for us to be back in this office with him for this appointment because he had some really great news and alot of information to give us. He started out with how pleased he was with the increase of Brandon's sperm and the decrease of all of my hormone levels (testosterone to be exact). He talked for a while on the importance of each and how everything goes to together (explained meds etc...). He then told us the news we have been waiting to hear "It is time to put you in a cycle, but whenever you guys are ready" (is this man crazy!! I was ready 5 years ago!! ) I told him that Brandon and I have spent 5 years discussing our options all the way to adoption. We have looked at adoption agencies and even filled out questionnaires to a few. I told him we are so ready! He then told us how it will all work and that I will need to be on birth control for 2 weeks (8 to 10 days) then sometime within the next few days our Care Coordinator, Marty, would be contacting us with all of the needed information (Excel sheet with all of the days I will need take certain meds, etc). I will go back in approximately 2 weeks for an ultrasound of my ovaries to see just how many little follicles there are and then he will give me an injection to make me ovulate within 24 hours from the time he gives it to me. From that point, we wait and come back for blood work and more ultrasounds to see if it worked or if we will have to do another cycle. I am praying and I ask you all to please pray, this cycle will work and I will finally get to hear the words "YOU ARE PREGNANT"!!
Becoming a Mother is one of the most important things I want out of this life! I want that unconditional love of being a Mother, the worry, the laughter and all of the happiness that comes with being a mother! I want the dirty diapers, the vomit, the late nights or all nighter's, the tears, the spankings, potty training that all come with being a mother! Not just the good, but the bad as well! Its a package deal and I am so ready and praying that soon I will get all of these things! I am so extremely thankful for this journey and even though it is not over yet, I can see the light at the end of the lonely tunnel. Never give up! God keeps his promises ladies! Hebrews 11:11 says “It was by faith that even Sarah was able to have a child, though she was barren and was too old. She believed that God would keep his promise.” As we all that are traveling on this journey together should believe that God will keep His promises!! Please keep praying and I ask that you please pray for my dear sweet friend Addie and her new little one Adleigh, as Adleigh goes through testing this week! Please keep them in your prayers for positive feedback from the Doctors and for a healthy little angel baby!!
Much Love to you all!!
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