I was always taught that when you marry someone, your family becomes their family and their family becomes your family. But God has shown me otherwise.
Family is not just blood. I have a "friend" that is more family to me than some of my own family. She knows my whole life story and I know hers, there is no judgement, only truth is spoken. We love each other unconditionally, just like family should. Sometimes even if we don't talk for a week or two or see each other for a month or two, we still know that no matter what time of day or night it may be, we are ALWAYS there for each other. Now that is truly what family is all about.
I wanted a blog that was truthful of the every day life of a husband and wife plus the infertility lifestyle. Not many people understand the infertility journey. I want to let these people know that not only are they absolutely NOT alone on this journey but also that life in general is not a breeze. People have problems, some that should absolutely stay in the home and not be plastered on a blog, but others that people should be aware of and know that if they are going through these same things, that it is OKAY!!
Every morning I get up and read my Joyce Meyer: A New Day to a New You devotional. It helps me to start the day out with the word of God and to have something to think about in my actions throughout that day. Well, today is one of those days that I know I will need that little glimpse of hope and promise. Today my devotional is about forgiveness and WOW what a strong word for me. I am not one to just let things go (as most of you know if you know me well enough). The bible says that in order for us to reap the benefits of what God has for us, we must be able to forgive. Satan gets at us when we are at a weak point in our lives and holding grudges or being angry at someone for something they did to you is one of the ways that Satan gets into your life. Well not me!! I am done with the grudges and the unforgiveness. If this journey has shown me anything at all, it is that God allows things to happen for a specific reason or purpose. Had this journey not been planned for my life, I would never have needed to lean on God so much and to really study His word to get a better understanding of His promises to barren women. So I feel like the purpose of all of this happening to me and my husband was to grow our faith in Jesus Christ and to lean only on Him in our weakest moments. Thank you Lord for these things!!
Now, speaking of "family", I have some forgiving to do today. Whether an email or text message, I will have to admit to some things and regardless the outcome, at least I will know that I am the better person who stepped up and took the initiative to do the right thing by the both of us. Wish me luck!!
P.S....Today is cycle day 11...IT IS THE FIRST DAY OF MY FERTILE PERIOD!!! YAY!! Maybe God will bless us this month!!! If it is His will for us to become parents this month then it will happen!! If not, then maybe next month after my appointment and we decide what we want to do (IVF or IUI). We shall see!!! Prayers please for the next 7 days!!!
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Thursday, March 21, 2013
An update from Luther Fertility Land!
I haven't posted in a few days because nothing much has been going on. We are taking it one day at a time. Still on the diet roller coaster (Oh my gracious!!) and it is getting to me of course. Having to absolutely cut out every kind of carbohydrate there is on the face of this green earth is so past challenging, it is just plain crazy!!!! Even some veggies that I thought I could eat, are on my "DO NOT EAT THESE VEGGIES" list....Really?? Even with all of this, plus doing the Couch to 5K thing, I still dont think I am dropping the weight like I should be. I thought I would have off quite a bit of weight by now but I am only at about 9 lbs...I know I know...9 lbs is a large baby and so far I have lost a total of 41 pounds. But when you are on this journey, you always feel like whatever it is you are doing, is never enough. I just want to become a mother so bad, that I will do whatever it takes. And that "whatever it takes" is not working as well as I thought. I have prayed and prayed for God to give me the strength to endure this journey for as long as it is in His Will for us to, but sometimes it gets trying and you feel like giving up. I can tell you from experience, dont ever give up! No matter what the situation, NEVER give up! Even on days like today when I have craved (like mad woman craving) something sweet and some McDonald's french fries....I have thought about truly giving up...But, I know that when this is all over and I am holding God's precious gift to me and Brandon in my arms, I will never remember the craving of the sweet little something and those McDonald's fries. And I absolutely cannot wait until that day comes! And I know it will!! God promises to give the barren women a child. And I know that when God promises it....It WILL happen!! In Psalm 113:9 it says that "God settles the childless woman in her home as a happy mother of children". Thank you Jesus!!
So, that was just a brief little over view on the "happenings" in Luther fertility land! Nothing too exciting. Yet anyways!! Keep the prayers going up for us!! We will be needing them the rest of way down this winding road!!
So, that was just a brief little over view on the "happenings" in Luther fertility land! Nothing too exciting. Yet anyways!! Keep the prayers going up for us!! We will be needing them the rest of way down this winding road!!
Saturday, March 16, 2013
From baby steps to big steps!
When I first started on this journey, seeing a pregnant person, going into the baby section of any store, watching television shows that consist of babies or labor/delivery....It all made me very sad. I can remember shopping for my nephew Kolten when he was born and prior to him being born, and just cry and cry every time I would get home or get in the car for that matter. Brandon would always ask me what was wrong. I would usually never answer him. For I knew that he would not understand the pain I felt in my heart, the longing I had for a baby of my very own. Over the last 4 and a half years I have pretty much stayed out of Babies R Us. I went into Buy Buy Baby when Kolten was born and bought a few things but it was a fast trip, in and out quickly. I have had a few people tell me that buying things for their unborn child helped them get through the pain of not conceiving at the time. I have been skeptical because I was so afraid I would 'jinx" our chances of conceiving.
Well, today marked my second time going to Babies R Us and not coming out and having a meltdown in the car. The first time I went was with my Mom a few weeks ago. We went alone and spent an hour and half just looking at everything in the store (and I mean EVERYTHING!!) We had a blast!! I told Mom that day that I wanted to bring Brandon back to look with me. Have some bonding time (I guess). So today we decided to go to Belk and to Babies R Us. Brandon, Mom and myself. Mom bought 2 little newborn sleepers from Belk for me to put up and have when the time comes. We bought one boy and one girl sleeper! I must say this is a huge step for me (Praise the Lord). I have been so depressed and sad over
"baby" things in the past and never would've bought anything to just put up and save for when God blesses us with a little one! I never would've went to Babies R Us 4 years ago (not unless to buy something for someone else).
Without prayer and lots of it, I never would have been able to take this step. I thank God daily for all of the advancements we are making each and every day. For all of the details he is adding to our journey and to His ultimate plan for us! My verse for today is Isaiah 41:13 "For I, the LORD your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, 'Fear not, I am the one who helps you.' "
Sometimes it is hard to see that what we fear is merely petty things. Being afraid is a wasted feeling. God specifically says that we should not be afraid, for He is with us!! I am still a work in progress with my faith and understanding of God's word. But I am seeing a big difference in our journey, ever since I have started praying differently, thinking differently and doing differently. God does not want us to suffer. He does not want us to be afraid or fearful of things. Alot of times, at least for myself, these things are much easier said than done. I am quick to be afraid of a situation or have anxiety about a situation. However, I just need to focus more on being faithful and believe that God will prevail in all situations if and only if, I am faithful to Him!
Well, today marked my second time going to Babies R Us and not coming out and having a meltdown in the car. The first time I went was with my Mom a few weeks ago. We went alone and spent an hour and half just looking at everything in the store (and I mean EVERYTHING!!) We had a blast!! I told Mom that day that I wanted to bring Brandon back to look with me. Have some bonding time (I guess). So today we decided to go to Belk and to Babies R Us. Brandon, Mom and myself. Mom bought 2 little newborn sleepers from Belk for me to put up and have when the time comes. We bought one boy and one girl sleeper! I must say this is a huge step for me (Praise the Lord). I have been so depressed and sad over
"baby" things in the past and never would've bought anything to just put up and save for when God blesses us with a little one! I never would've went to Babies R Us 4 years ago (not unless to buy something for someone else).
Without prayer and lots of it, I never would have been able to take this step. I thank God daily for all of the advancements we are making each and every day. For all of the details he is adding to our journey and to His ultimate plan for us! My verse for today is Isaiah 41:13 "For I, the LORD your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, 'Fear not, I am the one who helps you.' "
Sometimes it is hard to see that what we fear is merely petty things. Being afraid is a wasted feeling. God specifically says that we should not be afraid, for He is with us!! I am still a work in progress with my faith and understanding of God's word. But I am seeing a big difference in our journey, ever since I have started praying differently, thinking differently and doing differently. God does not want us to suffer. He does not want us to be afraid or fearful of things. Alot of times, at least for myself, these things are much easier said than done. I am quick to be afraid of a situation or have anxiety about a situation. However, I just need to focus more on being faithful and believe that God will prevail in all situations if and only if, I am faithful to Him!
Monday, March 4, 2013
And then...
Today is one of "those" days for me...Put on a smile for everyone at work so they don't see your pain, then break down in the car on the way home because your heart just aches...Yeah, one of those days. Ever since my Dad died there has been an empty space in my heart and my life. Some people learn to move on from death/loss and grief but some just don't have that about them...I am one that just doesn't have it to move on. Within 6 months, I lost my Dad, got married, attempted to start a family, moved to Atlanta, Georgia....I think that's about it...Then over the next 4 years, still not pregnant but finally getting some answers. That loss is still there though.
Some Psychiatrists and/or Psychologists say that dealing with infertility is a form of loss and grieving is the coping mechanism we tend to use. Makes sense to me. After my Dad died, I cried every day for 3 years. Literally, every single day up until last year I cried at some point because my heart just hurt so bad. For the last 3 and a half years, I have cried every time I see a baby, every time I watch something about a baby being born, every month when "flo" comes to visit and even at those times when I thought to myself "maybe I could be pregnant" when "flo" didn't come at all. Yeah, sounds pretty similar to the tears I have shed over losing my Dad. Sounds like grieving to me. I have been told by some pretty amazing Behavioral Health Specialists that I am still in the grieving process with losing my Dad and until I can get past it, move on and realize that no matter the tears it will never bring him back, that he is in a much better place than I am and death is a part of life! You can not live, without dying. I guess I have to learn that no matter how many tears I cry, they will not make me miraculously pregnant that month. (hmm......)
My point is, it is normal to feel a sense of loss or grief in the infertility process. I have been sad about it for almost 5 years now. When you want something so bad and you have absolutely no control over it getting here....It makes you feel defeated and weak..(and sad too I might add). But I have learned that every tear, every want, every trip into Babies R Us just because you want to look and feel the sweet little things that your baby will one day wear or need. All of that is apart of God's ultimate plan for you and your life. Had my Dad not been killed when he was, I never would've needed God so much that I chose to rededicate my life to Him 2 years later. Had my Dad not died when he did, I never would've went to the doctor when I did to be told that I needed to come off of my birth control and was asked if we were "ready" to become parents(if not we needed to use protection) and then later found out that I have PCOS. None of this would've happened in the order it did, had the Lord not took my Dad so soon. In no way would I ever say that I am glad He took him when He did...I miss my Dad so much it hurts unbearably. But I am thankful that out of all of the sadness, depression, grieving and anger, came love and devotion by me marrying the love of my life...came dedication to the Lord and me wanting to learn more of His word and what He expects of me as a follower of Christ...came answers, long awaited, but we finally have answers! I finally have an understanding that everything happens for a reason and we may not always find out why, but during those times where we do find out why...We become forever thankful and obedient.
Infertility is nothing to be ashamed of. It is nothing to hide or keep secret. Those of us that can talk about it, shed light on the issue and try to make a better understanding to those that have no idea what it is like to be in our shoes. Or for those that are in our shoes, and really feel alone...You are not! I have met some people that are secretive and some that want the world to know that without the help of "special" doctors, God could not have blessed them with their sweet little miracles! It is all about the JOURNEY!! God planned out your journey for you long before you were born! He knew exactly what would happen, long ago! Keep your faith up!! We are all in this together!
Some Psychiatrists and/or Psychologists say that dealing with infertility is a form of loss and grieving is the coping mechanism we tend to use. Makes sense to me. After my Dad died, I cried every day for 3 years. Literally, every single day up until last year I cried at some point because my heart just hurt so bad. For the last 3 and a half years, I have cried every time I see a baby, every time I watch something about a baby being born, every month when "flo" comes to visit and even at those times when I thought to myself "maybe I could be pregnant" when "flo" didn't come at all. Yeah, sounds pretty similar to the tears I have shed over losing my Dad. Sounds like grieving to me. I have been told by some pretty amazing Behavioral Health Specialists that I am still in the grieving process with losing my Dad and until I can get past it, move on and realize that no matter the tears it will never bring him back, that he is in a much better place than I am and death is a part of life! You can not live, without dying. I guess I have to learn that no matter how many tears I cry, they will not make me miraculously pregnant that month. (hmm......)
My point is, it is normal to feel a sense of loss or grief in the infertility process. I have been sad about it for almost 5 years now. When you want something so bad and you have absolutely no control over it getting here....It makes you feel defeated and weak..(and sad too I might add). But I have learned that every tear, every want, every trip into Babies R Us just because you want to look and feel the sweet little things that your baby will one day wear or need. All of that is apart of God's ultimate plan for you and your life. Had my Dad not been killed when he was, I never would've needed God so much that I chose to rededicate my life to Him 2 years later. Had my Dad not died when he did, I never would've went to the doctor when I did to be told that I needed to come off of my birth control and was asked if we were "ready" to become parents(if not we needed to use protection) and then later found out that I have PCOS. None of this would've happened in the order it did, had the Lord not took my Dad so soon. In no way would I ever say that I am glad He took him when He did...I miss my Dad so much it hurts unbearably. But I am thankful that out of all of the sadness, depression, grieving and anger, came love and devotion by me marrying the love of my life...came dedication to the Lord and me wanting to learn more of His word and what He expects of me as a follower of Christ...came answers, long awaited, but we finally have answers! I finally have an understanding that everything happens for a reason and we may not always find out why, but during those times where we do find out why...We become forever thankful and obedient.
Infertility is nothing to be ashamed of. It is nothing to hide or keep secret. Those of us that can talk about it, shed light on the issue and try to make a better understanding to those that have no idea what it is like to be in our shoes. Or for those that are in our shoes, and really feel alone...You are not! I have met some people that are secretive and some that want the world to know that without the help of "special" doctors, God could not have blessed them with their sweet little miracles! It is all about the JOURNEY!! God planned out your journey for you long before you were born! He knew exactly what would happen, long ago! Keep your faith up!! We are all in this together!
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Birthday Girl!
The next best thing that God has blessed me with other than being a Mother to children of my very own, is being an Aunt!
Today is my beautiful niece's 12th birthday!! I can't believe she is already 12 years old and will be a teenager next year this time!! (WOW I am getting OLD). I can remember when my husband's sister started dating Bailee's Daddy, she was only 18 months old and so stinking cute!!! I used to love listening to her talk. The things she would say to Brandon would crack us up!! She has now turned into a beautiful, very smart, caring and loving individual that is developing who she is and I am so proud of her!! I am proud to be her Aunt!
Today is my beautiful niece's 12th birthday!! I can't believe she is already 12 years old and will be a teenager next year this time!! (WOW I am getting OLD). I can remember when my husband's sister started dating Bailee's Daddy, she was only 18 months old and so stinking cute!!! I used to love listening to her talk. The things she would say to Brandon would crack us up!! She has now turned into a beautiful, very smart, caring and loving individual that is developing who she is and I am so proud of her!! I am proud to be her Aunt!
Friday, March 1, 2013
One of the most important appointments..
Sorry I didn't let you all know how the appointment went yesterday...I definitely did not get the news I was praying for but what I did get was a better understanding of the phrase "Everything happens for a reason...". It turns out that my body is not making estrogen, AT ALL...Yes, you read it right...In order to make healthy eggs, you have to have estrogen. I have way too much testosterone and DHEA-S, that my body just isn't functioning the way it should for a woman trying to conceive. I have a vitamin D deficiency and my thyroid is in layman terms, not functioning. Great big fat answer as to why I have not been able to get pregnant over the last 5 years (depressing..Yes..But an answer finally, PTL). Brandon has a severely low sperm count...Normal range for men his age is around 50 million per milliliter. His count is 5.1 million. He has a low testosterone level which is why he is not producing a normal amount of sperm. The good news is that he does in fact have sperm!! (Thank you Lord for that answered prayer)
Now, after all of this information was given to us, we then discussed what the next step is. Dr. L said that right now I have a 60% chance of miscarriage and with our levels the way they are, only a 3% chance of getting pregnant, if that. He asked me very plainly if I wanted to go ahead with treatment and I said absolutely NOT! After being on this journey to become a Mommy for almost 5 years now, getting pregnant and having the feeling of actually being a "Mommy" then miscarrying would send me over the edge. The journey by itself is enough to send you over the edge, but a miscarriage....Absolutely not! Not if it is on my terms and I made the choice to go through with the treatment right now without fixing the problems that are causing us to not be able to get pregnant. I chose to fix the problems! Yes, I did!
So, I was prescribed 3 new medications. One for my thyroid, birth control to give me those "lady" hormones that I so desperately need to make healthy little eggies, and a new, stronger Metformin to help with my insulin levels. Brandon will be given Letrizol to assist in him making healthy little sperm and lots and lots of them! I will be on a strict diet regimen of absolutely NO carbs due to the insulin spikes that cause an increased amount of testosterone (Yes, just kill me now!!) then I will go back to Dr. L in 4 weeks (April 1st) to see how things are going. Brandon will start his meds when they get here from the Fertility pharmacy and he will go back in 6-8 weeks to check out how well and plentiful his little guys are working (FYI...It takes 70 days for a man to "make" new healthy sperm).
As bad it all seems right now and as depressed as I am about this turn of events...I must say that I am so thankful that God has not allowed me to get pregnant to date. The reason for this being He knew that I could mentally and emotionally not handle a miscarriage. I am so thankful that He has allowed us to get this far and finally getting answers as to why we have not became parents yet. This is all apart of God's perfect plan for our lives. I know it! It is hard to digest sometimes but the Lord always knows best!!
For now, I will take the meds and see how the diet goes. I can stand to lose another 80 pounds to get down to where I should be so maybe this is the time for that. That way I can show off my little "baby bump" when the time comes!! Who knows! I will need a lot of support over the next 4-6 weeks, as I know I will be discouraged further along this journey. I just want to be a Mommy but you know, God has other plans right now and that is for me to get healthy enough to be a Mommy! (PTL) My ultimate blessing will be to have a healthy baby and I know I have to be healthy too in order to assure that I have the best possible chance of having a healthy little one. Right now with my testosterone levels as high as they are, I am not in any shape (metabolically) to carry a baby. And the Lord knows that. Please continue to pray for us! Keep the prayers going up in hopes of maybe less than 2 months away, we can finally hear the words "You are pregnant!!!"
Now, after all of this information was given to us, we then discussed what the next step is. Dr. L said that right now I have a 60% chance of miscarriage and with our levels the way they are, only a 3% chance of getting pregnant, if that. He asked me very plainly if I wanted to go ahead with treatment and I said absolutely NOT! After being on this journey to become a Mommy for almost 5 years now, getting pregnant and having the feeling of actually being a "Mommy" then miscarrying would send me over the edge. The journey by itself is enough to send you over the edge, but a miscarriage....Absolutely not! Not if it is on my terms and I made the choice to go through with the treatment right now without fixing the problems that are causing us to not be able to get pregnant. I chose to fix the problems! Yes, I did!
So, I was prescribed 3 new medications. One for my thyroid, birth control to give me those "lady" hormones that I so desperately need to make healthy little eggies, and a new, stronger Metformin to help with my insulin levels. Brandon will be given Letrizol to assist in him making healthy little sperm and lots and lots of them! I will be on a strict diet regimen of absolutely NO carbs due to the insulin spikes that cause an increased amount of testosterone (Yes, just kill me now!!) then I will go back to Dr. L in 4 weeks (April 1st) to see how things are going. Brandon will start his meds when they get here from the Fertility pharmacy and he will go back in 6-8 weeks to check out how well and plentiful his little guys are working (FYI...It takes 70 days for a man to "make" new healthy sperm).
As bad it all seems right now and as depressed as I am about this turn of events...I must say that I am so thankful that God has not allowed me to get pregnant to date. The reason for this being He knew that I could mentally and emotionally not handle a miscarriage. I am so thankful that He has allowed us to get this far and finally getting answers as to why we have not became parents yet. This is all apart of God's perfect plan for our lives. I know it! It is hard to digest sometimes but the Lord always knows best!!
For now, I will take the meds and see how the diet goes. I can stand to lose another 80 pounds to get down to where I should be so maybe this is the time for that. That way I can show off my little "baby bump" when the time comes!! Who knows! I will need a lot of support over the next 4-6 weeks, as I know I will be discouraged further along this journey. I just want to be a Mommy but you know, God has other plans right now and that is for me to get healthy enough to be a Mommy! (PTL) My ultimate blessing will be to have a healthy baby and I know I have to be healthy too in order to assure that I have the best possible chance of having a healthy little one. Right now with my testosterone levels as high as they are, I am not in any shape (metabolically) to carry a baby. And the Lord knows that. Please continue to pray for us! Keep the prayers going up in hopes of maybe less than 2 months away, we can finally hear the words "You are pregnant!!!"
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