The holidays are always a hard time for me...Mainly because its another year of holidays without my Dad, but also another reminder of not having children for yet another year of holiday activities... Some of the most cherished memories are those created at Fall Festivals, pumpkin carvings, pumpkin patch's, trick or treating, Christmas shopping, visiting Santa in the Mall, going to Disney for Mickey's Very Merry Christmas Party, going to see Christmas lights and waking up Christmas morning to the huge smiles of your children who are so excited to see what Santa has brought them....Oh what I would give to make these memories with MY own children. Oh what I would give.
Recently I have had a very hard time dealing with our infertility...Not that it isn't hard all of the time but some times is more difficult than others. While you are so excited for those close to you that conceive and have a child of their own, it makes your heart break a little more for yourself and your barrenness. I always read the story of Hannah in 1 Samuel and I am reminded of how faithful our God is, when we are faithful and obedient to Him. It makes me wonder if I am being as obedient as I could possibly be...I know the answer is "Heck No" and then I am reminded of the fact that I am probably what would be called a "Lazy Christian"...I usually sit on the sidelines and watch, instead of diving in head first, taking that leap of faith and doing what God would want me to do. Fear is a huge deal for me. I am NOT usually scared of anything except death and snakes....Yes, death...Losing my loved ones mostly. But talking to others about God scares me because I am not exactly sure I will have all of the answers to the questions they may ask. Who wants to look like an idiot while approaching a subject so precious as our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?? Exactly...No one! (Well, I would think anyways) But needless to say, I often wonder is my lack of obedience in acting on the Word of Jesus is the reason why He hasn't blessed us yet....I know in the Bible it talks about barrenness NOT being a curse but it sure does feel like it. It hurts! Its painful to watch every one around you have what you want and have it with so much ease, no struggle, no nothing...Just "Oh lets try to get pregnant" and BAM...Pregnant! It just sucks.
I am reminded, even in the midst of my self pity and brokenness that GOD IS FAITHFUL! I have watched as a new friend of mine adopted her first son after years of infertility struggles. He is perfect and I truly believe God made him in the womb of another woman, specifically for them. Such an answered prayer in the midst of so much pain and suffering for so many years. This reminds me that even though my plans are not working out for us right now....God is working on a much bigger and better plan for us. Its so hard to stay faithful when you are so broken and hurt, but just knowing that God is already there and has my baby already picked out and waiting for that perfect time, it gives me hope.
Tonight I will go to bed, thanking God for getting us this far and still giving us hope after more than 6 years. I look back and can remember when we first started seeing a Doctor 5 years ago about not being able to get pregnant and I specifically remember being so very scared that it would take a long time. I felt it in my heart...I almost wonder if that was God kind of preparing my heart for this journey in the very beginning. Even though, at that time I didn't even really know Jesus Christ. How did I ever make it without Him in my life. Without His promises and knowing that He is on our side and wants the best for us, even though our best may not be His best.
Tonight, I will go to bed with a grateful heart. I am grateful for this journey, even though I hate it. Even though it isn't something I would wish on my worst enemy. I am grateful because it is making me into the person I am suppose to be. A strong, faithful, Christ loving woman. This journey is our life. It is what was meant to happen to us in order to make us into the people God wanted us to be. I can tell you that I will forever look at being a parent in a whole new light after all of this. It is truly the biggest blessing God can give you. To be able to be a Mommy will be my greatest blessing. And I cannot wait until the day it happens.
Until next time, I just wanted to share my heart with you guys. To all of my TTC sisters, hang in there. God is on our side. Even though we may not be able to see it now, our blessings are in the making! Thank you for the support and love!!
XOXO~ Kristie
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