WOW! It's been a while my friends. I always say I am making more time for blogging and I never do unless something is actually going on here in the lives of Kristie and Brandon and our journey to become parents.
The past few months have been fairly slow in baby land. We haven't done anymore treatments and at this point "I" have made a decision to continue to wait until God tells me what to do. Life has not been easy the past 6 years for me. I have given up on so many things that I love and I can't continue to do so. Trying to become a Mother has consumed my life. Every aspect of it. Every car ride just to town, certain songs, people, TV shows, movies, etc. etc. etc. ALL remind me of my lack of children....Of my body's inability to reproduce and do the ONE single function it was made by God to do! The fact that I am the only one of my high school friends that does not have children makes me cringe. Will it ever happen for me? Why is God not listening to my heart? What have I done to deserve this? What is the point in living if the one thing you want in life is never going to happen for you? These are all questions I constantly sit and ponder. I often sit on my couch in my tiny 2 bedroom 2 bath single wide mobile home and wonder what my purpose is for this life. Every woman with a desire to be a Mother should get that desire fulfilled. Its only but fair. If being a Mother is your whole hearts desire, what else is there for you to do in this life if that one thing can't happen? I can't answer that question at this point. I can say to any other woman out there experiencing these same feelings, you are not alone and God has a plan. God has a plan.
I have been criticized and judged for coming across at some points as negative about our struggle, on many different occasions. Some ask "How can you be so positive on your blog and so negative in person? Isn't that being two faced?" Well, we as humans and as Christians tend to have to fight our flesh on a daily basis. Our spiritual self and our flesh do no align and we have to fight it. I struggle with that. Hence the reason for the not so negative blog that use to put how I really feel in my heart out there for millions to read across the world, and the somewhat negative flesh I live in. But in all seriousness, I tell each and every one of you, please find me one single positive aspect of this journey in general....Not the 'helping others through", not the "leading others to Christ" or "giving others hope" aspect of what I aim to do with this journey because yes, those are all very positive things that have came out of this journey. But being in the midst of this struggle, away from others, when its just you and your spouse or just YOU by yourself, alone...The emotions are REAL! The anger is REAL! The lack of faith at some points is REAL! The attempt to find true hope in this journey and failing to do so is REAL! Someone can say otherwise early in their journey....I am not a rookie at this...I am a seasoned player of 6 years with the Infertility game and I am losing. My faith is getting stronger, my hope is being found, my love for Jesus Christ is the strongest its ever been at this point...But I am still angry, upset, emotionally unstable and HURT that my journey to become a Mother is taking so very long with no signs of ending anytime soon. It hurts to see others with their new babies or their children period. It hurts to see Mothers with their children going school shopping. It hurts to not be able to buy things for your children for Christmas and birthdays, or do Easter baskets and holiday crafts! It hurts to not have a child to snuggle when they are sick, teething, upset about their world crashing down when a toy goes missing. It hurts to no have a child to puke on you or wipe snot all over you! IT HURTS!!!! And anyone that says otherwise are NOT on this journey!
I am not sure where God wants me to go with this blog. I am not sure of the path he has for me to take. My desire to be a mother has not gone away but my strength to endure the pain has. Some have made comments that this blog of mine is just for sympathy. To make others "feel sorry for me and what I am going through". It has been said that this blog is ridiculous because so many others go through this and its "only infertility"....Let me just say this...By no means am I looking for sympathy. I want other women to know they are not alone and their feelings are normal and other women, including myself feel the same way they do. I want them to have hope and grow in their faith! I want God to use me and this journey to bring light to Him and what He has done and is doing in me through it all. I want them to know the up's and down's and in's and out's of every aspect of infertility so they won't be scared and they can have strength to move forward. That is why I do this!!! And by the way for all the "its only infertility" people out there....INFERTILITY IS REAL AND IT IS A MEDICAL CONDITION! When your reproductive system is not working correctly, that is a problem. Same as if your Cardiovascular system or your endocrine system isn't working correctly. Reproduction is one of the body's basic functions. Just like breathing...It is just suppose to happen because that is what it is suppose to do. God made Adam and Eve a man and woman for a reason. To reproduce and fill the earth! So never ever, minimize what Infertility is. Unless you have experienced it, do not have an opinion on it. (sorry if that sounds rude). Women who have issues conceiving are checked for things like Cancer of the reproductive organs! Just keep that in mind. It is real people!
I will not say this journey has made me bitter or hasn't made me bitter. But it has shaped me into a very emotional, angry, God loving woman. I have had to take a step back and reexamine all aspects of my life. Financially, this journey has taken its toll on myself and my husband. Emotionally, it has brought me down. My marriage has hit a brick wall and its only because of the lack of attention it has received in the last 6 years. A lack of love and affection. I am not afraid or embarrassed to say it, but infertility has put a damper on my marriage and my relationship with my husband has gone to the pits. However, I do believe that God is allowing these emotions and these trials we are experiencing along with the infertility, because He has something major planned for my life (our life) and in that belief I have hope. I pray for strength and peace daily because both of those things are few and far between lately. I am writing this to hopefully help someone who feels this way right now too! It is okay to feel this way but it is not okay to stay this way for long periods of time. If you need help, seek it! Don't be ashamed of not being okay! I can honestly say infertility has changed my life. In some ways I thought for the worst. But in others for the good. I have became aware of so many things I never knew existed including depression ( I knew it existed just have never experienced it in my own life).
There are so many things we can be bitter about. I could write a book about all of mine. However, that is not what God wants from us. He solely wants us to want him. He wants us to need him. He wants us to put all of our hope, fears, emotions...everything in him. He wants for us to love him and trust him. All of these things seem so simple. They are when you put your mind and your heart to it. God does not want us to hurt. He wants us to be joyful and happy. I believe we can find that in our journey if we just stop looking at the negative of it and just let God have it. Let him do his work with it. Really it isn't about us. It is about what God wants for us out of this whole journey. Yes, it is physically, mentally and emotionally draining. Yes, it is so hard to just let go (I am not even there yet), but with support and love from God's people, people with his very own heart, we can do this! And we will one day know why all of this happened! I often think of what it will be like when God finally says "My child, why did you not trust me? See how wonderful the plans I had for you were. See how much I love you." We just need to be still and wait for God. God loves us at our worst and our best and in between. He LOVES us! He LOVES you!!
I hope and pray that through my pain, one of you will find hope! That is my goal and my prayer every day. I love each and every one of you and I thank you so much for all of the support and prayers. We are not finished with this journey but I am specifically praying for God to guide me on a decision as when and what to do as far as treatment goes. Please pray for us and our marriage and for God to work in my life through this journey. XOXO to all and baby dust to those of you ladies still trying actively to conceive!
