Another day in infertile paradise

Good afternoon to all of my amazing readers! As I sit here today typing my latest blog post, I can't help but feel excited, overwhelmed, faithful, fearful, worrisome, loved, super duper blessed and extremely stressed!! Yes, I think I too, should be checked into a hospital for a bit with all of those emotions but you know, the Ultimate Physician (mind, body and spirit healer) has my back!!! I just know He does! And like everyday, today is a brand new day!!

And the start to another cycle for us!! I will be taking a home pregnancy test in the morning to make sure I am either pregnant or not before I take (10) pills tomorrow to jump start the follicle growing process!!! I can sit here right now and remember how excited I was last cycle when we started the follicle growing process....Ahhh....It seems like yesterday but its already been almost 2 months ago now...Time flies when your either stressed out to the max or having fun!! I have had a little bit of both of those going on lately! More stress though! Man, the stress of going through these cycles is a lot but I keep seeing a dear friend of mine posting all of her baby girl's pics and I can't help but feel so optimistic that God has amazing plans for me and Brandon! AH-Mazing plans!!! I can just feel it!

A few posts ago I blogged about lessons I have learned. Well, every day I learn a new lesson to be honest but today I learned to NEVER underestimate the power of prayer and believing in Jesus!! There has been a lot on my mind for quite some time now and I finally decided to just let it go and let God handle it. I was once told that if I have no control over it, then just let God control it! He has all of the control in the world. And because He loves me so much, He wants to take care of my problems and He wants me to just let Him have them all!! I spent a few hours this past Sunday with my Great Grandmother who is 92 years old. She has always been a big part of my life ever since I was born. I always love hearing all of the old stories of when my Dad was little and all the trips they went on when my Great Grandfather was alive. He has been passed away now for 34 years and my Granny has lived alone and in the same home they built together for all of these years. Never remarried, never dated another man...nothing. She lost a daughter when she was a teenager in a terrible accident when a train hit their car. She has lost all of her grandchildren and her husband as well. At 92, she told me that the only way to get through the difficult times in your life, is to just tell the Lord, "Lord, I can't deal with this on my own. I really need your help. I am giving it all to you" I think this is some of the best advice I have gotten from her. And right at the perfect time when I needed to hear that the most. With all of the sadness, grief, death, stress etc....I have dealt with in my life, and now the infertility journey we have been placed on too for the past 5 years, I can honestly say, that my only option is to let God handle it. It is all out of my control! There was nothing I could do about my Dad getting killed. There is and wasn't anything I could do about being infertile. The Doctors had to help me and Brandon figure it all out. We couldn't have done that part on our own. Of course we have had to put in effort as well. After all, God will only help those that can also help themselves. Even though He can do all of the work, doesn't mean He will. We have to put in a little bit of effort to show God that we really want this or that to happen and we are willing to do whatever we have to in order for it to happen.

So, for now as always, we wait to see the follicles grow!!! I go back to Dr. L on October 2nd and October 4th for ultrasounds of my little follicles to see how big they are! I pray they really grow and that there are lots of them! The more there are that are big enough, the better chance of conception. But as always, anything is possible when our God is involved!! And if it is not His time for us, this will not happen this month and I understand that. But I am being optimistic!! After all, God wants us to be happy and positive! Not sad or worried and all negative Nelly's! Stay tuned for more updates as we board the ship IUI! We are fixing to set sail! Starting tomorrow of course! Please be in prayer for us!! We always need your prayers! I hope and pray that maybe just one of you that read this blog, will figure out that Jesus is the only way! Especially with the Infertility journey we are on together! Let go and let God handle it!! He's got this!!

Never giving up!

So, today I went for my first ultrasound of this IUI cycle and it was a fantastic appointment. I had absolutely NO cysts which is such a blessing! Last month I had 2 but luckily they did not cause us to have to postpone our cycle as they were not producing a large quantity of Estrodol. So this was such an answered prayer!!

 God has been so good to us and we are so undeserving of it. After the BFN (big fat negative) pregnancy test from the cycle last month, I was very down and very close to losing faith. Then something amazing happened and I felt like I had a ton of bricks lifted off of my chest the very next day after we got the call. I knew it was God's way of saying "Okay sweetie! It is time to move on. Its a new day and the start of another cycle for you." I was dwelling so much on the BFN that I wasn't praising God for the big fat positive's He had placed in our lives throughout that cycle month. I had no idea going in to that cycle whether or not I would even ovulate. I had no idea if I would respond to the medication. Well, I did both!! I responded so well to the medication and ovulated perfectly. The Dr. told us today that we have a textbook situation and everything is perfect for conception. That my friends, is a major BLESSING!!

We signed all of our consents today which made it so real that this cycle will be much different from the last one and the fact that what I have prayed for, for so very long is here. For those of you who have absolutely NO idea what an IUI is...It is Intra-Uterine-Insemination. Brandon will have to do a sperm collection and the lab will wash it and get rid of the "liquid" then inject the sperm really close to my fallopian tubes right at the time of ovulation, with a very flexible, long syringe. There is a much better chance of conception due to the fact, the sperm is right there where they need to be. It works well in most all couples that respond well to the medications but I have a tilted Uterus so there is a big chance that the sperm do not make it up far enough to the right place when doing timed intercourse. So, this is our choice. I am not ashamed or embarrassed of choosing to do something more aggressive in order to have my dream come true. Mother's will do anything in the world for their children, and I see this as nothing less. I will do whatever I must do, in order to become a mother. God puts these opportunities in our lives for a specific reason. Sometimes, we just need help and Doctors are God's helpers. Dr. Lipari is a God sent for us and I am ever so grateful for how far we have come since our first appointment with him.

For now, I will take my last birth control pill on Saturday and have a period sometime next week. Then next Friday I will do a home pregnancy test to ensure that I am not pregnant before we proceed with the medications. Next Saturday I will take ALL of my oral medication then that following week we start the every other day Ultrasounds until we get these Follie's big enough to do the IUI! Last night I was not very excited..I must say I was pretty down about this whole process. I think I really got my hopes up too high last month and was let down hard when it was negative. So, as a defense mechanism, my heart is not letting me get too much into this cycle. But I am slowly getting a little more excited about the coming weeks. I cannot wait to get the call that we have a BIG FAT POSITIVE test and then getting to see our baby on ultrasound for the first time not long after that call! I cannot wait! But as we all know, everything is in God's perfect timing, not ours. And believe me, His time will be the absolute PERFECT time!! Thank you all for the encouragement and for taking time out to read my posts each time. I hope and pray that maybe this blog will open the eyes of those that do not know what it is like to be in the shoes of those that are going through Infertility issues. I pray it will help someone that is going through it, to better understand some of the things that they are going through. I pray it will be a vessel for God's work and a way for God to bring even just one person to Christ! I am so thankful for this opportunity and for the fact that I am able to share our story with you all!! Keep praying guys!!! We still need every single prayer we can get!!

Lessons learned, Part 1

I think if anything, over the past couple of months I have learned quite a few valuable lessons. I believe that this is all apart of this journey for us. It is a really big learning experience and the lessons are to be used during our every day lives.

•   I have learned that plans never work! Do not make plans and stick to them, because most likely they will not happen exactly how you planned. Just go with the flow. 
•  Do not trust anyone. Love them? Why yes, of course because that is what God wants us to do is love our brothers and sisters and do not harm them. But trust is something you must be worthy of and just to be on the safe side, always have your guard half way up and half way down. I have learned this will keep you from falling too far when you have trusted and been betrayed. 
• Never say never. I never imagined 6 years ago that I would be where I am today. I never imagined I would want to be a Mother and not be able to get pregnant on my own. I never thought this would happen to me. But I quickly learned to never say never. Anything that could possibly happen in this world, CAN happen to you. Nothing makes you exempt from any of life's trials and tribulations. 
• Do what makes you happy!! This is a big one for me because for the past couple of years I have done things to make everyone else happy. I put things on hold to make others needs be met before my own.  I didn't take very good care of myself and didn't want to lose my job, so I let my blood pressure issue go until I knew that my health is more important and could not be put on hold any longer. After all, my blood pressure issue is what put our cycle on hold for 2 months until it got under control. I made the decision last week to put all the negative things behind me and negative people behind me, so I quit my job and I am happier than I have been in a long while. Do what makes you happy. It may not mean quitting your job, maybe just find another one that will make you happy. Be around people that make you happy. People you dont have to explain yourself too. People that matter in your life!  Happy Happy Happy!!
• Put God first and everything else will fall into place. This could not be more true. I was not raised in church at all. I would occassionally go with my great grandmother to a small church in my home town where maybe 20 members resided. I never read the bible and was never showed that God was the reason for everything around me. God created everything. The Heavens and the Earth. I was never showed that God wants me to live for Him and as long as I have Him in my earthly life, I will have an eternal life in Heaven. Being on this journey, being faithful has not always been so easy and I am tested on a daily basis. However, I have learned that by putting God first, all else will fall in to its appropriate place at just the right time. God's time that is!
• Cry when you need to!!! Yes, I have learned that crying is okay and is a part of life. Cry when you need to. Even if you are in a public place. Emotions make you a true person. People who show no emotion are not alive in side. I can sit and cry for 20 minutes then feel like a new person after. Cry it out then move on. Never forget but do not dwell on whatever it may be that has made you cry. Give it to God. He wants to take on all of our burdens, our sorrows. 
• Lean on the ones you love. Without my amazing husband and my family, I would not be where I am today. When I first started going to church and doing right, of course I would slip and be angry and say things that were not very nice. I got a lot of criticism about being a hypocrite because I went to church on Sundays and tried to do right but had set backs in my walk with Jesus. I would slip up and say a curse word when something didn't go my way or I would get into an argument with my husband or someone else in my family. It is perfectly okay as long as you know you were wrong and you learn from it, ask for forgiveness because our God is so forgiving, then move forward. I lean on those that I love to keep me going on my journey, both with Christ and in trying to become a mother. 
• You are not better than anyone! I would be the first to judge someone that didn't dress appropriately to a function or dress appropriately in general. I was the first to make fun of people.  I was raised that when you go out somewhere, you shower and you look decent (clean clothes, good hygiene, brush your hair). Some people do not care about those things. Or do not have the means to have new clothes, water to shower or soap to clean themselves with, even a hair brush to comb their hair. Some are not fortunate. I have to stop and remember that God wants us to be servants to those people. Help one another. I am hesitant and learning at this still because I am not used to offering a helping hand to someone that has no desire to help themselves, but I have to learn to do it. It is what God would want me to do. Jesus did not see the dirty clothes, the oily hair/skin or the tangled hair. He did not smell the stinch of body odor from an unclean person. He didn't care. We are all the same in God's eyes so it did not matter to him what we look like or smell like. It is how we act that matters the most. The things we do in this life. 
•  Do not wait to do anything! Do not wait to tell someone you love them. Do not wait to give a hug or a kiss to those you love. Do not wait until the "time is right" or "things get better". There is no better time for anything than "NOW"!! I was one that always said I would wait to have children when the time was right and my husband I were settled and right where we wanted to be in life. I was the first to say that I wanted to be "set" before I had babies so I could give them everything they ever dreamed of. Well, like I said first, never make plans because our plans and God's plans for our lives are much different. This has been a huge lesson for me!! Now is the best time for everything!!

Well, I hope that my lessons I have shared today will help one person change their life. Being a happy and stress free person while trying to conceive is a very important component. Stress makes your body produce cortisol which can prevent your body from ovulating. So, don't worry be "happy, happy, happy!!!" (said in my best Papaw Phil voice)

Another bump

Well, today was not the happy joyous day I had planned for. Huh, I guess I should learn that MY plans are NOT the plans that will ever work out. God has a different set of plans drawn out for my life. And being pregnant this month was not in those plans. Yes, I am sad. Yes, I am devastated. Yes, I am asking God why not now...But it isn't my place to question. I will keep pushing forward. Our care coordinator said that everything on both of our ends are perfect. I ovulated perfectly and Brandon's levels are all still amazing so everything is right where it needs to be from a clinical stand point. It just wasn't our time.

 I have already scheduled our next route for another cycle. This time we will be more aggressive and do something a little more controlled. I will post more about it when the time comes. For right now we just have to continue to wait...until I start my period which should happen on its own since I absolutely ovulated and I am still so thankful for that bit of good news last week. Then I will call and they will make my first appointment of the next cycle.

No matter what God puts us through, we will continue to stand strong and weather this storm together. I would be lying if I said I wasn't sad about this. I am absolutely devastated and heart broken. But God knows what He is doing. He is the Alpha, the Omega, the first and the last. He made the Heavens and the Earth....I trust Him to take over this situation and make me a baby too!!!  Especially for me!! And our time WILL come!!! Sorry this isn't the happy place right now...But I vowed to be honest in this blog when I started it. Everyone going through this same situation needs to know that they are not alone. They are not the only ones who feels these emotions.

Thank you all for the prayers you have sent up these past couple of weeks and months. Please do not stop here. We need your prayers until we are done with this journey and on to a new journey! Thank you again!! I love you all!! 

We must BELIEVE!!

As I sit here tonight, I would be lying if I said I was anything but scared to death of tomorrow's outcome. I believe that even the most faithful people get scared of situations and this is one of those. Brandon and I have prayed for 5 years 1 month and 7 days for a "+" pregnancy test and to finally become parents. Tomorrow could possibly be a day to start praying for something other than that "+". A day to start praying for a healthy pregnancy and to thank God, as I have already, for the beautiful baby boy or girl He will bless us with in 9 months. A day to thank God for making me finally a "Mommy"!

Please keep us in your prayers tonight and tomorrow. I will update as soon as I can to inform you all of the results and whether they are good or bad, I will keep on keeping on with this journey. I will not give up on my Baby!! I read a quote by Tim Tebow that has really stuck with me lately. He said "I do not know what my future holds, but I know who holds my future." I kind of tweaked it to fit my situation and it goes like this "I do not know what tomorrow holds, but I know who holds my tomorrow". God knows already tonight as I sit here writing this post. He already knows if there is a baby baking in my oven or if there ever will be for that matter. God already knows! I take peace in knowing that no matter what I can and will lean on Him for more strength to push through if the results of tomorrows tests are not what I want. I will continue to push through and rely on God to get me to Motherhood! Thank you all so much for your prayers during this time for us! It means the world to both Brandon and I!! It is amazing to know that we are associated with such wonderful Christian people who believe in the power of prayer!! Thank you all again!! I will leave you with this verse that I have clung to over the past years.