Tonight my husband and I had a date night at Cracker Barrel and Starbucks. It was a great night for us. The weather is cool here in North Florida and it was just nice to get out of the house and spend some time together, talking and making plans (yes, more plans that will probably not go "as planned"). Its crazy how some little things can be the most gut wrenching reminders of another year being childless...
Last year I can remember having the conversation with my Mom many many times during our holiday shopping trips, that "next year" we would have a baby to buy the "Baby's First Thanksgiving" onesie and the "Baby's First Christmas" outfit...I can remember being in the mall last year before Christmas and looking down at the Santa picture area with all of the Mom's and Dad's with their babies and small children, all dressed up in their holiday best to get that $20 picture with Santa Clause! I remember getting tears in my eyes because I want that more than anything in the world. I want to be able to stand in line with my baby and celebrate the Christmas season with Santa pictures.
Tonight in Cracker Barrell I was once again looking at the "Baby's First Thanksgiving" outfits and the newly displayed "Baby's First Christmas" outfits and ornaments. I just sat there for a moment and rubbed my fingers over the embroidered lettering when tears started to well up in my eyes. When will my season of waiting be over?? When will my heart be full and not so empty?? When will the pain and sadness, enviousness and somewhat jealousy of others being Mommy's go away for me?? When will I get to buy the "Baby's First Christmas" outfit and ornament for our Christmas tree?? When will I be able to say how thankful I am for God giving us a child at the family Thanksgiving dinner?? Just when will it be our time??
What was meant to be a nice relaxing night out with my honey, turned emotional pretty quick. But I sat and talked with my husband about it and realized I was ruining a date night over something I have NO control over, a night I look forward to each and every week we get to go out! Its all in God's hands and there is no reason for me to stress over it or about it anymore. We have given this journey the last 6 1/2 years of our lives. Day in and day out it has been about "baby making"...Temperatures, charting, calendars, ultrasounds, prescriptions, injections, inseminations, new doctors (times 3), hours of sitting in traffic, countless hours lying on the bathroom floor in pain from over stimulated ovaries....It has been our whole life. Every holiday season I am an emotional wreck. I still grieve over the fact that my Dad isn't here for yet another holiday season. It was his favorite time of year and it just totally sucks not having him here anymore to enjoy it. But adding the heartache of wanting to be a Mother and not having control over NOT being one yet just kills me.
This year (after tonight), I am making myself a deal! I am not going to stress over my childlessness anymore! When I feel the urge to just burst into tears over seeing someone's little girl in a beautiful little Christmas dress waiting to see Santa Clause, I am just gonna stop and pray that God will turn the tears and fear and emptiness into something else. Into happiness and joy. Into anything other than what it truly is. My heart will forever ache and be empty without a little piece of myself here to raise and love. But I am going to choose to fill my heart with joy and happiness and Christ! Join me this holiday season and do the same! I know your heart aches too if you are in this with us. Lets choose joy and happiness this holiday season! Lets not let the lack of children in our lives take away from the true reason for the holiday season!
Until next time, Love you all!!
XOXO~ Kristie
