There is no perfect person

I was going to do this as a Facebook status update but I decided that a blog post was more sufficient for the amount of information I am going to give you. Here goes nothing...

While riding to Walmart today by myself, I had plenty of time to think (which is what I usually do when riding in the car alone..IDK...I am weird like that I guess). The past few months have been really challenging for me and I have been bombarded with emotions and thoughts of what my life has been like...From an outside point of view...It is crazy to me how sometimes God gives us an "inside" look into our life and how we act. This has never happened to me before and a few weeks ago I was home alone and sitting on the couch when I just had this thought on how terrible I have been in the past...Today was another one of those days for me while riding to town...

I have not been a good friend, a good daughter, a good sister, a good Christian, a good wife, a good sister in law, a good daughter in law,   a good granddaughter, a good niece, a good cousin....I have NOT been a good person in general over the past years... Buying people things no matter the amount or quantity, does NOT make you a good person! What I thought was "good" was not after all! I have missed weddings, parties, births, birthday parties of my friends children....I was NOT there when people needed me in that kind of way! That emotional/friendship kind of way. When my Dad passed away, ALL of my close friends were there at my grandparents house with me, grieving with me when I needed them all the most. I never re-payed them for being there for me. They were there at my Bridal Shower, when I needed them, and I never re-payed them for that. I should've been there at the bridal showers, the baby showers, the weddings, the birthdays, the births....All the days that were important to them. I wasn't there...And for all of you who are reading this and this was me in your life...I am ever so sorry. I am sorry I missed special days in your lives and in your children's lives. I am sorry our friendships dwindled because of my absence or because of my negligence in our friendship. All of our friendships were important to me and still are. You know who you are and I am publicly saying I am sorry for being a crappy person, a crappy friend.

Now, some of you may see this as weakness or as my conscience getting to me. Well let me say this...A few years ago, admitting I was wrong and saying "I am sorry" was not apart of who I was. Becoming a born again Christian changed me and changed my way of thinking....Most all, it changed my heart. You can say whatever you want about this post...It will not bother me. It takes a much stronger willed person to admit to their wrong doings and ask for forgiveness.

I too must apologize to my family...My side of the family has always been very close. My cousins, my brother and I have grown up on the same piece of property with our family. We have been next door ever since I can remember. My grandparents and my Aunt have been there for me through my entire life for everything. And I could never repay them for their encouragement and love. My Mom has always provided for my brother and I and I could never repay her for her sacrifices. My brother, he is my heart and soul!  Ever since my Dad passed away, our family has been like a loose cannon. You never know when one of us will get angry over nothing and blow up. You never know what to say because you are afraid it will make someone upset or angry. I have had a place in all of this too...It has made me angry that our lives changed so quickly. When someone you love so dearly is tragically torn from your life...well, sometimes it takes a long time to figure out how to live a normal life without anger, guilt and sadness being so prominent. These things never go away, ever, but life becomes "tolerable" and the huge amount of sadness turns into a numbness...You just learn to deal with it. I am sorry to my family for being angry, intolerable, rude, sad and outspoken. I know I have been not so nice to be around for many years. I am sorry for this. You all mean the world to me and I am so thankful for each one of you in my life.


To my husband whom I love more than anything...I am sorry for being absolutely terrible. Death, infertility, adjusting to marriage, school, failure...It all plays a role in who I am and I do not want these things to make me a bad person. I have allowed them to make me a terrible, intolerable, short tempered person. Our marriage has suffered and I am sorry for allowing it. Brandon has been my rock from the first day I met him. He was loving and caring and everything I wasn't, even as a high school teenager. I was never a really loving, caring person. I was rude, outspoken and always joked about things that were inappropriate and I look back now and see just how terrible I was even then, back 12 years ago. But even then, Brandon loved me and cared for me and did anything in the whole world for me. He gave up football after graduation because he didn't want to leave me and he was afraid we wouldn't stay together if he went off to school to play football....Not an easy thing for me to digest and to think about and I honestly think he was not smart for making that decision...But he loved me that much to give up his dream of playing college football. To this day, he allows me to stay at home and focus on our dreams of becoming "Mommy and Daddy" and to go back to school and finish my degree. He works to take care of us and I'm ever so thankful and blessed to say the least, that God gave me someone so amazing to spend the rest of my life with.

Now, why put this on a blog about "infertility"....? Well, going through infertility for the past 5 years and losing my Dad over 5 years ago has gotten me here...It has gotten me to TODAY....Life is about forgiving, asking for forgiveness, saying you are sorry when you are wrong, making positive changes, having friends, being faithful to God in all things....Admitting I am wrong is another step for me in making those positive changes in my life. Living a life of anger, being rude, outspoken, jealousy, sadness, etc....is not what life is about. Give God the opportunity to change you! Its the first step! As I sit back and look at who I was in the past, and who I am today I can see a major difference. Some may say I have a long way to go and I will agree with that. We all have a long way to go. Living in Christ is not easy, it is a daily struggle. It will always be a journey. But for those that know me now and knew me and how I acted years ago, know that for me to apologize for hurting someone, being rude or obnoxious, completely intolerable and definitely NOT Christ-like,...Well, that is a HUGE step for me! And I hope those of you who this post is geared towards know that this is ME! This who I am and who God made! I am by no means perfect, but I am ME! I am again sorry for missing out on very important life events, those I was invited too and those there were no invites sent out for...I am sorry. To my family, I am sorry for everything. Sorry for being crappy!

I love you all and I pray you will all look at your own life and just see if there is someone who you have hurt, offended or just plain "forgot" about...Look and see if there is someone who deserves an apology from you. The moral of the story: Life is too short to hold grudges, be rude, hurt people, offend people and just be plain mean and thoughtless. Jesus did not die on that cross so tragically, for us to sit and be this way. We are to be kind, caring, have love and compassion for one another and help each other. We are to forgive each other of our wrong doings. As hard as it is and has been for me, going to church and learning more about Christ and what it is to be a Christian has been the biggest and best thing that has happened in my life. After all, God gave me this life and I was not living it the way He would approve of. Its a new year for all of us, so lets make the best of it and live it to the fullest with those we love! You never know when your last moment may be on this earth or when someone you love may be taken from you!

 I will leave you with this verse out of the Bible:

2 Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!"

I am so thankful for this opportunity to share this with you and most of all to show that it is okay to admit you are wrong! Stay tuned for more on our journey! We started our treatment cycle on Dec 26th! Everything looked great on ultrasound and I took my last birth control pill last night! So now I just wait for my monthly visitor (aka: Flow) to start over the next few days then I will start the medications! I am more positive about this cycle at this time, than I have been over the past year. Please continue to pray for us as we go through this treatment cycle. It will be more aggressive and I pray there will be no complications like last month! Love you all!!!