Tonight my husband and I had a date night at Cracker Barrel and Starbucks. It was a great night for us. The weather is cool here in North Florida and it was just nice to get out of the house and spend some time together, talking and making plans (yes, more plans that will probably not go "as planned"). Its crazy how some little things can be the most gut wrenching reminders of another year being childless...
Last year I can remember having the conversation with my Mom many many times during our holiday shopping trips, that "next year" we would have a baby to buy the "Baby's First Thanksgiving" onesie and the "Baby's First Christmas" outfit...I can remember being in the mall last year before Christmas and looking down at the Santa picture area with all of the Mom's and Dad's with their babies and small children, all dressed up in their holiday best to get that $20 picture with Santa Clause! I remember getting tears in my eyes because I want that more than anything in the world. I want to be able to stand in line with my baby and celebrate the Christmas season with Santa pictures.
Tonight in Cracker Barrell I was once again looking at the "Baby's First Thanksgiving" outfits and the newly displayed "Baby's First Christmas" outfits and ornaments. I just sat there for a moment and rubbed my fingers over the embroidered lettering when tears started to well up in my eyes. When will my season of waiting be over?? When will my heart be full and not so empty?? When will the pain and sadness, enviousness and somewhat jealousy of others being Mommy's go away for me?? When will I get to buy the "Baby's First Christmas" outfit and ornament for our Christmas tree?? When will I be able to say how thankful I am for God giving us a child at the family Thanksgiving dinner?? Just when will it be our time??
What was meant to be a nice relaxing night out with my honey, turned emotional pretty quick. But I sat and talked with my husband about it and realized I was ruining a date night over something I have NO control over, a night I look forward to each and every week we get to go out! Its all in God's hands and there is no reason for me to stress over it or about it anymore. We have given this journey the last 6 1/2 years of our lives. Day in and day out it has been about "baby making"...Temperatures, charting, calendars, ultrasounds, prescriptions, injections, inseminations, new doctors (times 3), hours of sitting in traffic, countless hours lying on the bathroom floor in pain from over stimulated ovaries....It has been our whole life. Every holiday season I am an emotional wreck. I still grieve over the fact that my Dad isn't here for yet another holiday season. It was his favorite time of year and it just totally sucks not having him here anymore to enjoy it. But adding the heartache of wanting to be a Mother and not having control over NOT being one yet just kills me.
This year (after tonight), I am making myself a deal! I am not going to stress over my childlessness anymore! When I feel the urge to just burst into tears over seeing someone's little girl in a beautiful little Christmas dress waiting to see Santa Clause, I am just gonna stop and pray that God will turn the tears and fear and emptiness into something else. Into happiness and joy. Into anything other than what it truly is. My heart will forever ache and be empty without a little piece of myself here to raise and love. But I am going to choose to fill my heart with joy and happiness and Christ! Join me this holiday season and do the same! I know your heart aches too if you are in this with us. Lets choose joy and happiness this holiday season! Lets not let the lack of children in our lives take away from the true reason for the holiday season!
Until next time, Love you all!!
XOXO~ Kristie
Friday, November 7, 2014
Sunday, October 26, 2014
It just isn't the most wonderful time of the year
The holidays are always a hard time for me...Mainly because its another year of holidays without my Dad, but also another reminder of not having children for yet another year of holiday activities... Some of the most cherished memories are those created at Fall Festivals, pumpkin carvings, pumpkin patch's, trick or treating, Christmas shopping, visiting Santa in the Mall, going to Disney for Mickey's Very Merry Christmas Party, going to see Christmas lights and waking up Christmas morning to the huge smiles of your children who are so excited to see what Santa has brought them....Oh what I would give to make these memories with MY own children. Oh what I would give.
Recently I have had a very hard time dealing with our infertility...Not that it isn't hard all of the time but some times is more difficult than others. While you are so excited for those close to you that conceive and have a child of their own, it makes your heart break a little more for yourself and your barrenness. I always read the story of Hannah in 1 Samuel and I am reminded of how faithful our God is, when we are faithful and obedient to Him. It makes me wonder if I am being as obedient as I could possibly be...I know the answer is "Heck No" and then I am reminded of the fact that I am probably what would be called a "Lazy Christian"...I usually sit on the sidelines and watch, instead of diving in head first, taking that leap of faith and doing what God would want me to do. Fear is a huge deal for me. I am NOT usually scared of anything except death and snakes....Yes, death...Losing my loved ones mostly. But talking to others about God scares me because I am not exactly sure I will have all of the answers to the questions they may ask. Who wants to look like an idiot while approaching a subject so precious as our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?? Exactly...No one! (Well, I would think anyways) But needless to say, I often wonder is my lack of obedience in acting on the Word of Jesus is the reason why He hasn't blessed us yet....I know in the Bible it talks about barrenness NOT being a curse but it sure does feel like it. It hurts! Its painful to watch every one around you have what you want and have it with so much ease, no struggle, no nothing...Just "Oh lets try to get pregnant" and BAM...Pregnant! It just sucks.
I am reminded, even in the midst of my self pity and brokenness that GOD IS FAITHFUL! I have watched as a new friend of mine adopted her first son after years of infertility struggles. He is perfect and I truly believe God made him in the womb of another woman, specifically for them. Such an answered prayer in the midst of so much pain and suffering for so many years. This reminds me that even though my plans are not working out for us right now....God is working on a much bigger and better plan for us. Its so hard to stay faithful when you are so broken and hurt, but just knowing that God is already there and has my baby already picked out and waiting for that perfect time, it gives me hope.
Tonight I will go to bed, thanking God for getting us this far and still giving us hope after more than 6 years. I look back and can remember when we first started seeing a Doctor 5 years ago about not being able to get pregnant and I specifically remember being so very scared that it would take a long time. I felt it in my heart...I almost wonder if that was God kind of preparing my heart for this journey in the very beginning. Even though, at that time I didn't even really know Jesus Christ. How did I ever make it without Him in my life. Without His promises and knowing that He is on our side and wants the best for us, even though our best may not be His best.
Tonight, I will go to bed with a grateful heart. I am grateful for this journey, even though I hate it. Even though it isn't something I would wish on my worst enemy. I am grateful because it is making me into the person I am suppose to be. A strong, faithful, Christ loving woman. This journey is our life. It is what was meant to happen to us in order to make us into the people God wanted us to be. I can tell you that I will forever look at being a parent in a whole new light after all of this. It is truly the biggest blessing God can give you. To be able to be a Mommy will be my greatest blessing. And I cannot wait until the day it happens.
Until next time, I just wanted to share my heart with you guys. To all of my TTC sisters, hang in there. God is on our side. Even though we may not be able to see it now, our blessings are in the making! Thank you for the support and love!!
XOXO~ Kristie
Recently I have had a very hard time dealing with our infertility...Not that it isn't hard all of the time but some times is more difficult than others. While you are so excited for those close to you that conceive and have a child of their own, it makes your heart break a little more for yourself and your barrenness. I always read the story of Hannah in 1 Samuel and I am reminded of how faithful our God is, when we are faithful and obedient to Him. It makes me wonder if I am being as obedient as I could possibly be...I know the answer is "Heck No" and then I am reminded of the fact that I am probably what would be called a "Lazy Christian"...I usually sit on the sidelines and watch, instead of diving in head first, taking that leap of faith and doing what God would want me to do. Fear is a huge deal for me. I am NOT usually scared of anything except death and snakes....Yes, death...Losing my loved ones mostly. But talking to others about God scares me because I am not exactly sure I will have all of the answers to the questions they may ask. Who wants to look like an idiot while approaching a subject so precious as our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?? Exactly...No one! (Well, I would think anyways) But needless to say, I often wonder is my lack of obedience in acting on the Word of Jesus is the reason why He hasn't blessed us yet....I know in the Bible it talks about barrenness NOT being a curse but it sure does feel like it. It hurts! Its painful to watch every one around you have what you want and have it with so much ease, no struggle, no nothing...Just "Oh lets try to get pregnant" and BAM...Pregnant! It just sucks.
I am reminded, even in the midst of my self pity and brokenness that GOD IS FAITHFUL! I have watched as a new friend of mine adopted her first son after years of infertility struggles. He is perfect and I truly believe God made him in the womb of another woman, specifically for them. Such an answered prayer in the midst of so much pain and suffering for so many years. This reminds me that even though my plans are not working out for us right now....God is working on a much bigger and better plan for us. Its so hard to stay faithful when you are so broken and hurt, but just knowing that God is already there and has my baby already picked out and waiting for that perfect time, it gives me hope.
Tonight I will go to bed, thanking God for getting us this far and still giving us hope after more than 6 years. I look back and can remember when we first started seeing a Doctor 5 years ago about not being able to get pregnant and I specifically remember being so very scared that it would take a long time. I felt it in my heart...I almost wonder if that was God kind of preparing my heart for this journey in the very beginning. Even though, at that time I didn't even really know Jesus Christ. How did I ever make it without Him in my life. Without His promises and knowing that He is on our side and wants the best for us, even though our best may not be His best.
Tonight, I will go to bed with a grateful heart. I am grateful for this journey, even though I hate it. Even though it isn't something I would wish on my worst enemy. I am grateful because it is making me into the person I am suppose to be. A strong, faithful, Christ loving woman. This journey is our life. It is what was meant to happen to us in order to make us into the people God wanted us to be. I can tell you that I will forever look at being a parent in a whole new light after all of this. It is truly the biggest blessing God can give you. To be able to be a Mommy will be my greatest blessing. And I cannot wait until the day it happens.
Until next time, I just wanted to share my heart with you guys. To all of my TTC sisters, hang in there. God is on our side. Even though we may not be able to see it now, our blessings are in the making! Thank you for the support and love!!
XOXO~ Kristie
Monday, October 20, 2014
How I came to know Jesus Christ!
I have kept wondering how God would lead this blog and where He would lead me with it. I have prayed for a way to continue blogging, but more often and not just during the times we are actually in the middle of treatments or waiting to hear results, etc. I want it to serve a bigger purpose, have a bigger impact on someone's life.
I have decided that today is the day I will share my testimony with everyone. Some may know how I came to know Jesus Christ but many do not. I pray it will bless someone.
To start it off, I will say that as a child, my immediate family NEVER went to church. I cannot remember a time when I actually went to church with my Mom and Dad (although my Mom said as a young child we did attend a small Baptist church in our town). I do remember occasionally going with my Great Grandmother, as she went every time the doors were open. She would buy me thrift store dresses and sweaters, she would redo the buttons and clean them up real nice and off to church we would go. She bought me my very first "adult" size Bible and sewed a homemade cover for it. I loved going to church with her. It was a routine though. You got up, dressed up, went to the service and had lunch out somewhere nice. I enjoyed it. It gave me something to look forward to on Sundays.
There were many factors contributing to "why" I needed Jesus in my life. In 1996, my grandfather died after finding out only a few months prior that he had cancer. This happening not long after my uncle was in a terrible car accident, where he almost died and spent almost a year in the hospital. During the following years, my Uncle (who was more like a brother to me and my younger brother) became addicted to drugs and alcohol. Being on pain killers after his accident, he became addicted to them. He went on to overdose in 2005 and died. It was like apart of my heart was completely ripped from my chest.
In 2008, while planning my approaching wedding and being fresh in the Cardiovascular Program at Santa Fe College, my Dad was killed in a car accident coming home from Panama City, Fl on May 22. Only a little less than 2 months until my wedding day, my life was completely turned upside down. I can remember asking God "why" about a zillion times on the 1 hour drive back home from St Augustine, FL. I can remember being so angry that this was happening to our family. Why would God punish us like this!!?? What had we done to deserve this? I went on and still got married on July 12, 2008....52 days after my Dad was killed.
Right after getting married, my husband and I both decided that we were ready to start a family of our own. Yes we were young (21 and 22) but we had already done alot of the things young couples wanted to do so we decided if it happens, then so be it. We weren't going to prevent it from happening. Little did we know that we would still not have a baby so many years later. In January 2011 we started going to church with my in laws at Brandon's home church, where he had attended as a child. Over the next 4 months, God completely convicted me during every single service, every bible study we went to on Wednesdays. I was at a point in my life that I felt like I didn't want to live anymore. I was still grieving my Dads death among other family issues that had came up since his death. I felt alone in the world around me...Like I was already dead and looking down at everything happening. It was kind of like God was allowing me to be absent from my own life to see how everyone elses' life had continued while I was allowing the devil and the circumstances of my life to control everything about me. I was angry, extremely angry! I was absolutely hateful to those I loved the most, mainly to my husband. At times I would have violent outbursts of anger for no reason. I hated my life. I hated every single thing about my life. I was done...Until the night of April 20, 2011 at our Wednesday night bible study. That day, I had asked my Father in law to ask our preacher if I could talk to him after the study that night. I can remember being so nervous/scared as to what he would ask me or what I would say to him about my life. I hadn't been no angel. But it was time to change all of that.
That night, I prayed with our preacher and I asked Jesus Christ into my heart, with my eyes filled with tears. My Mother in law was there with me. I can remember walking out of that building with a feeling that tons of weights had been removed from my chest. A sense of relief. I had a chance at a new life. And for that I was so very thankful!
Ever since that Wednesday night bible study where I came to know Jesus Christ, my life has been so much easier, so much more relaxed. Rather than focusing on how terrible my life was, I could focus on how God was blessing me in the midst of the tragedy, the infertilty, the marital issues, the family issues...Everything. I could actually live my life without fear of the unknown. Don't get me wrong, I still have days, some times weeks where I feel like I am being punished. Its been over 6 years and we have done tons of infertility treatments that have all failed to work...It was like my life was over once again but it didn't last as long as it had in the past, BEFORE I knew Jesus. I had people who would pray for me and I would pray and ask God to help me through it. And of course He did! I am here now, stronger than I have ever been to tell you that Jesus can help you through EVERYTHING in your life. There is nothing too bad or too hard for Jesus to work through. I lost my Grandfather, my Uncle, My Dad... Currently dealing with Infertility, almost lost my husband because I was being selfish...But Jesus has helped me! He has placed people in my life to help me through ALL of this! The things I have no control over. Jesus Christ has saved me from myself!!
You are never too lost for Jesus to save! He can and WILL help you! All you have to do is ask Him to help you! Its THAT easy! Being a Christian is not an easy road to follow, especially when you have the Devil attacking you at every corner. But God promised to send us help in the Holy Spirit that resides in us! That lives in us! No infertility, marital problems or even death can run off the Holy Spirit!
My reason for sharing this with you is simple...There may be that one person out there reading this right now who may not know Jesus Christ at all. There may be that one person out there reading this right now that may know Jesus, but is living like he doesn't exist. Through my struggles, my tragedies, I want to be able to help others. God loves us all! So much that he sent his one and only son to die on the cross for ALL OF US!!! How awesome is that! How amazing is it that someone loved YOU so much, that He sent his ONLY son to die for us a painful, tragic death. It doesn't get anymore unconditional than that.
I may not be a Mother yet...God is seriously making me wait. But during this wait, I know that I can rely on Him to get me through. I can use this time to work on my marriage, make it more centered around Jesus...I can use this time to really dig deeper into His word and find MY purpose! I can use this time to PRAISE HIM!! The one who has given me a reason to live! An everlasting amount of love and a place to call home after this life is over!
Where are you at in your walk with Jesus?? Do you even have a relationship with Him? Have you lost touch with Him? Take a minute to pray and ask Jesus to come into your heart and take away the pain, the struggles, the addictions, the unfaithfulness, the need for things other than Him....Pray for God to be your Lord and Savior! Ask Him for forgiveness of all of your sins! Confess to Him and ask for forgiveness!
(If you took the time to pray today, I recommend you contacting your pastor or your spiritual adviser and talk about your next step. Welcome to the Family!!! )
Until next time, thank you all for reading! I love you all and please continue your prayers for us! Pray specifically for God to lead us in the direction we should go. Pray for us to get our miracle!
I have decided that today is the day I will share my testimony with everyone. Some may know how I came to know Jesus Christ but many do not. I pray it will bless someone.
To start it off, I will say that as a child, my immediate family NEVER went to church. I cannot remember a time when I actually went to church with my Mom and Dad (although my Mom said as a young child we did attend a small Baptist church in our town). I do remember occasionally going with my Great Grandmother, as she went every time the doors were open. She would buy me thrift store dresses and sweaters, she would redo the buttons and clean them up real nice and off to church we would go. She bought me my very first "adult" size Bible and sewed a homemade cover for it. I loved going to church with her. It was a routine though. You got up, dressed up, went to the service and had lunch out somewhere nice. I enjoyed it. It gave me something to look forward to on Sundays.
There were many factors contributing to "why" I needed Jesus in my life. In 1996, my grandfather died after finding out only a few months prior that he had cancer. This happening not long after my uncle was in a terrible car accident, where he almost died and spent almost a year in the hospital. During the following years, my Uncle (who was more like a brother to me and my younger brother) became addicted to drugs and alcohol. Being on pain killers after his accident, he became addicted to them. He went on to overdose in 2005 and died. It was like apart of my heart was completely ripped from my chest.
In 2008, while planning my approaching wedding and being fresh in the Cardiovascular Program at Santa Fe College, my Dad was killed in a car accident coming home from Panama City, Fl on May 22. Only a little less than 2 months until my wedding day, my life was completely turned upside down. I can remember asking God "why" about a zillion times on the 1 hour drive back home from St Augustine, FL. I can remember being so angry that this was happening to our family. Why would God punish us like this!!?? What had we done to deserve this? I went on and still got married on July 12, 2008....52 days after my Dad was killed.
Right after getting married, my husband and I both decided that we were ready to start a family of our own. Yes we were young (21 and 22) but we had already done alot of the things young couples wanted to do so we decided if it happens, then so be it. We weren't going to prevent it from happening. Little did we know that we would still not have a baby so many years later. In January 2011 we started going to church with my in laws at Brandon's home church, where he had attended as a child. Over the next 4 months, God completely convicted me during every single service, every bible study we went to on Wednesdays. I was at a point in my life that I felt like I didn't want to live anymore. I was still grieving my Dads death among other family issues that had came up since his death. I felt alone in the world around me...Like I was already dead and looking down at everything happening. It was kind of like God was allowing me to be absent from my own life to see how everyone elses' life had continued while I was allowing the devil and the circumstances of my life to control everything about me. I was angry, extremely angry! I was absolutely hateful to those I loved the most, mainly to my husband. At times I would have violent outbursts of anger for no reason. I hated my life. I hated every single thing about my life. I was done...Until the night of April 20, 2011 at our Wednesday night bible study. That day, I had asked my Father in law to ask our preacher if I could talk to him after the study that night. I can remember being so nervous/scared as to what he would ask me or what I would say to him about my life. I hadn't been no angel. But it was time to change all of that.
That night, I prayed with our preacher and I asked Jesus Christ into my heart, with my eyes filled with tears. My Mother in law was there with me. I can remember walking out of that building with a feeling that tons of weights had been removed from my chest. A sense of relief. I had a chance at a new life. And for that I was so very thankful!
Ever since that Wednesday night bible study where I came to know Jesus Christ, my life has been so much easier, so much more relaxed. Rather than focusing on how terrible my life was, I could focus on how God was blessing me in the midst of the tragedy, the infertilty, the marital issues, the family issues...Everything. I could actually live my life without fear of the unknown. Don't get me wrong, I still have days, some times weeks where I feel like I am being punished. Its been over 6 years and we have done tons of infertility treatments that have all failed to work...It was like my life was over once again but it didn't last as long as it had in the past, BEFORE I knew Jesus. I had people who would pray for me and I would pray and ask God to help me through it. And of course He did! I am here now, stronger than I have ever been to tell you that Jesus can help you through EVERYTHING in your life. There is nothing too bad or too hard for Jesus to work through. I lost my Grandfather, my Uncle, My Dad... Currently dealing with Infertility, almost lost my husband because I was being selfish...But Jesus has helped me! He has placed people in my life to help me through ALL of this! The things I have no control over. Jesus Christ has saved me from myself!!
You are never too lost for Jesus to save! He can and WILL help you! All you have to do is ask Him to help you! Its THAT easy! Being a Christian is not an easy road to follow, especially when you have the Devil attacking you at every corner. But God promised to send us help in the Holy Spirit that resides in us! That lives in us! No infertility, marital problems or even death can run off the Holy Spirit!
My reason for sharing this with you is simple...There may be that one person out there reading this right now who may not know Jesus Christ at all. There may be that one person out there reading this right now that may know Jesus, but is living like he doesn't exist. Through my struggles, my tragedies, I want to be able to help others. God loves us all! So much that he sent his one and only son to die on the cross for ALL OF US!!! How awesome is that! How amazing is it that someone loved YOU so much, that He sent his ONLY son to die for us a painful, tragic death. It doesn't get anymore unconditional than that.
I may not be a Mother yet...God is seriously making me wait. But during this wait, I know that I can rely on Him to get me through. I can use this time to work on my marriage, make it more centered around Jesus...I can use this time to really dig deeper into His word and find MY purpose! I can use this time to PRAISE HIM!! The one who has given me a reason to live! An everlasting amount of love and a place to call home after this life is over!
Where are you at in your walk with Jesus?? Do you even have a relationship with Him? Have you lost touch with Him? Take a minute to pray and ask Jesus to come into your heart and take away the pain, the struggles, the addictions, the unfaithfulness, the need for things other than Him....Pray for God to be your Lord and Savior! Ask Him for forgiveness of all of your sins! Confess to Him and ask for forgiveness!
(If you took the time to pray today, I recommend you contacting your pastor or your spiritual adviser and talk about your next step. Welcome to the Family!!! )
Until next time, thank you all for reading! I love you all and please continue your prayers for us! Pray specifically for God to lead us in the direction we should go. Pray for us to get our miracle!
Thursday, August 14, 2014
~Update in baby land~
WOW! It's been a while my friends. I always say I am making more time for blogging and I never do unless something is actually going on here in the lives of Kristie and Brandon and our journey to become parents.
The past few months have been fairly slow in baby land. We haven't done anymore treatments and at this point "I" have made a decision to continue to wait until God tells me what to do. Life has not been easy the past 6 years for me. I have given up on so many things that I love and I can't continue to do so. Trying to become a Mother has consumed my life. Every aspect of it. Every car ride just to town, certain songs, people, TV shows, movies, etc. etc. etc. ALL remind me of my lack of children....Of my body's inability to reproduce and do the ONE single function it was made by God to do! The fact that I am the only one of my high school friends that does not have children makes me cringe. Will it ever happen for me? Why is God not listening to my heart? What have I done to deserve this? What is the point in living if the one thing you want in life is never going to happen for you? These are all questions I constantly sit and ponder. I often sit on my couch in my tiny 2 bedroom 2 bath single wide mobile home and wonder what my purpose is for this life. Every woman with a desire to be a Mother should get that desire fulfilled. Its only but fair. If being a Mother is your whole hearts desire, what else is there for you to do in this life if that one thing can't happen? I can't answer that question at this point. I can say to any other woman out there experiencing these same feelings, you are not alone and God has a plan. God has a plan.
I have been criticized and judged for coming across at some points as negative about our struggle, on many different occasions. Some ask "How can you be so positive on your blog and so negative in person? Isn't that being two faced?" Well, we as humans and as Christians tend to have to fight our flesh on a daily basis. Our spiritual self and our flesh do no align and we have to fight it. I struggle with that. Hence the reason for the not so negative blog that use to put how I really feel in my heart out there for millions to read across the world, and the somewhat negative flesh I live in. But in all seriousness, I tell each and every one of you, please find me one single positive aspect of this journey in general....Not the 'helping others through", not the "leading others to Christ" or "giving others hope" aspect of what I aim to do with this journey because yes, those are all very positive things that have came out of this journey. But being in the midst of this struggle, away from others, when its just you and your spouse or just YOU by yourself, alone...The emotions are REAL! The anger is REAL! The lack of faith at some points is REAL! The attempt to find true hope in this journey and failing to do so is REAL! Someone can say otherwise early in their journey....I am not a rookie at this...I am a seasoned player of 6 years with the Infertility game and I am losing. My faith is getting stronger, my hope is being found, my love for Jesus Christ is the strongest its ever been at this point...But I am still angry, upset, emotionally unstable and HURT that my journey to become a Mother is taking so very long with no signs of ending anytime soon. It hurts to see others with their new babies or their children period. It hurts to see Mothers with their children going school shopping. It hurts to not be able to buy things for your children for Christmas and birthdays, or do Easter baskets and holiday crafts! It hurts to not have a child to snuggle when they are sick, teething, upset about their world crashing down when a toy goes missing. It hurts to no have a child to puke on you or wipe snot all over you! IT HURTS!!!! And anyone that says otherwise are NOT on this journey!
I am not sure where God wants me to go with this blog. I am not sure of the path he has for me to take. My desire to be a mother has not gone away but my strength to endure the pain has. Some have made comments that this blog of mine is just for sympathy. To make others "feel sorry for me and what I am going through". It has been said that this blog is ridiculous because so many others go through this and its "only infertility"....Let me just say this...By no means am I looking for sympathy. I want other women to know they are not alone and their feelings are normal and other women, including myself feel the same way they do. I want them to have hope and grow in their faith! I want God to use me and this journey to bring light to Him and what He has done and is doing in me through it all. I want them to know the up's and down's and in's and out's of every aspect of infertility so they won't be scared and they can have strength to move forward. That is why I do this!!! And by the way for all the "its only infertility" people out there....INFERTILITY IS REAL AND IT IS A MEDICAL CONDITION! When your reproductive system is not working correctly, that is a problem. Same as if your Cardiovascular system or your endocrine system isn't working correctly. Reproduction is one of the body's basic functions. Just like breathing...It is just suppose to happen because that is what it is suppose to do. God made Adam and Eve a man and woman for a reason. To reproduce and fill the earth! So never ever, minimize what Infertility is. Unless you have experienced it, do not have an opinion on it. (sorry if that sounds rude). Women who have issues conceiving are checked for things like Cancer of the reproductive organs! Just keep that in mind. It is real people!
I will not say this journey has made me bitter or hasn't made me bitter. But it has shaped me into a very emotional, angry, God loving woman. I have had to take a step back and reexamine all aspects of my life. Financially, this journey has taken its toll on myself and my husband. Emotionally, it has brought me down. My marriage has hit a brick wall and its only because of the lack of attention it has received in the last 6 years. A lack of love and affection. I am not afraid or embarrassed to say it, but infertility has put a damper on my marriage and my relationship with my husband has gone to the pits. However, I do believe that God is allowing these emotions and these trials we are experiencing along with the infertility, because He has something major planned for my life (our life) and in that belief I have hope. I pray for strength and peace daily because both of those things are few and far between lately. I am writing this to hopefully help someone who feels this way right now too! It is okay to feel this way but it is not okay to stay this way for long periods of time. If you need help, seek it! Don't be ashamed of not being okay! I can honestly say infertility has changed my life. In some ways I thought for the worst. But in others for the good. I have became aware of so many things I never knew existed including depression ( I knew it existed just have never experienced it in my own life).
There are so many things we can be bitter about. I could write a book about all of mine. However, that is not what God wants from us. He solely wants us to want him. He wants us to need him. He wants us to put all of our hope, fears, emotions...everything in him. He wants for us to love him and trust him. All of these things seem so simple. They are when you put your mind and your heart to it. God does not want us to hurt. He wants us to be joyful and happy. I believe we can find that in our journey if we just stop looking at the negative of it and just let God have it. Let him do his work with it. Really it isn't about us. It is about what God wants for us out of this whole journey. Yes, it is physically, mentally and emotionally draining. Yes, it is so hard to just let go (I am not even there yet), but with support and love from God's people, people with his very own heart, we can do this! And we will one day know why all of this happened! I often think of what it will be like when God finally says "My child, why did you not trust me? See how wonderful the plans I had for you were. See how much I love you." We just need to be still and wait for God. God loves us at our worst and our best and in between. He LOVES us! He LOVES you!!
I hope and pray that through my pain, one of you will find hope! That is my goal and my prayer every day. I love each and every one of you and I thank you so much for all of the support and prayers. We are not finished with this journey but I am specifically praying for God to guide me on a decision as when and what to do as far as treatment goes. Please pray for us and our marriage and for God to work in my life through this journey. XOXO to all and baby dust to those of you ladies still trying actively to conceive!
The past few months have been fairly slow in baby land. We haven't done anymore treatments and at this point "I" have made a decision to continue to wait until God tells me what to do. Life has not been easy the past 6 years for me. I have given up on so many things that I love and I can't continue to do so. Trying to become a Mother has consumed my life. Every aspect of it. Every car ride just to town, certain songs, people, TV shows, movies, etc. etc. etc. ALL remind me of my lack of children....Of my body's inability to reproduce and do the ONE single function it was made by God to do! The fact that I am the only one of my high school friends that does not have children makes me cringe. Will it ever happen for me? Why is God not listening to my heart? What have I done to deserve this? What is the point in living if the one thing you want in life is never going to happen for you? These are all questions I constantly sit and ponder. I often sit on my couch in my tiny 2 bedroom 2 bath single wide mobile home and wonder what my purpose is for this life. Every woman with a desire to be a Mother should get that desire fulfilled. Its only but fair. If being a Mother is your whole hearts desire, what else is there for you to do in this life if that one thing can't happen? I can't answer that question at this point. I can say to any other woman out there experiencing these same feelings, you are not alone and God has a plan. God has a plan.
I have been criticized and judged for coming across at some points as negative about our struggle, on many different occasions. Some ask "How can you be so positive on your blog and so negative in person? Isn't that being two faced?" Well, we as humans and as Christians tend to have to fight our flesh on a daily basis. Our spiritual self and our flesh do no align and we have to fight it. I struggle with that. Hence the reason for the not so negative blog that use to put how I really feel in my heart out there for millions to read across the world, and the somewhat negative flesh I live in. But in all seriousness, I tell each and every one of you, please find me one single positive aspect of this journey in general....Not the 'helping others through", not the "leading others to Christ" or "giving others hope" aspect of what I aim to do with this journey because yes, those are all very positive things that have came out of this journey. But being in the midst of this struggle, away from others, when its just you and your spouse or just YOU by yourself, alone...The emotions are REAL! The anger is REAL! The lack of faith at some points is REAL! The attempt to find true hope in this journey and failing to do so is REAL! Someone can say otherwise early in their journey....I am not a rookie at this...I am a seasoned player of 6 years with the Infertility game and I am losing. My faith is getting stronger, my hope is being found, my love for Jesus Christ is the strongest its ever been at this point...But I am still angry, upset, emotionally unstable and HURT that my journey to become a Mother is taking so very long with no signs of ending anytime soon. It hurts to see others with their new babies or their children period. It hurts to see Mothers with their children going school shopping. It hurts to not be able to buy things for your children for Christmas and birthdays, or do Easter baskets and holiday crafts! It hurts to not have a child to snuggle when they are sick, teething, upset about their world crashing down when a toy goes missing. It hurts to no have a child to puke on you or wipe snot all over you! IT HURTS!!!! And anyone that says otherwise are NOT on this journey!
I am not sure where God wants me to go with this blog. I am not sure of the path he has for me to take. My desire to be a mother has not gone away but my strength to endure the pain has. Some have made comments that this blog of mine is just for sympathy. To make others "feel sorry for me and what I am going through". It has been said that this blog is ridiculous because so many others go through this and its "only infertility"....Let me just say this...By no means am I looking for sympathy. I want other women to know they are not alone and their feelings are normal and other women, including myself feel the same way they do. I want them to have hope and grow in their faith! I want God to use me and this journey to bring light to Him and what He has done and is doing in me through it all. I want them to know the up's and down's and in's and out's of every aspect of infertility so they won't be scared and they can have strength to move forward. That is why I do this!!! And by the way for all the "its only infertility" people out there....INFERTILITY IS REAL AND IT IS A MEDICAL CONDITION! When your reproductive system is not working correctly, that is a problem. Same as if your Cardiovascular system or your endocrine system isn't working correctly. Reproduction is one of the body's basic functions. Just like breathing...It is just suppose to happen because that is what it is suppose to do. God made Adam and Eve a man and woman for a reason. To reproduce and fill the earth! So never ever, minimize what Infertility is. Unless you have experienced it, do not have an opinion on it. (sorry if that sounds rude). Women who have issues conceiving are checked for things like Cancer of the reproductive organs! Just keep that in mind. It is real people!
I will not say this journey has made me bitter or hasn't made me bitter. But it has shaped me into a very emotional, angry, God loving woman. I have had to take a step back and reexamine all aspects of my life. Financially, this journey has taken its toll on myself and my husband. Emotionally, it has brought me down. My marriage has hit a brick wall and its only because of the lack of attention it has received in the last 6 years. A lack of love and affection. I am not afraid or embarrassed to say it, but infertility has put a damper on my marriage and my relationship with my husband has gone to the pits. However, I do believe that God is allowing these emotions and these trials we are experiencing along with the infertility, because He has something major planned for my life (our life) and in that belief I have hope. I pray for strength and peace daily because both of those things are few and far between lately. I am writing this to hopefully help someone who feels this way right now too! It is okay to feel this way but it is not okay to stay this way for long periods of time. If you need help, seek it! Don't be ashamed of not being okay! I can honestly say infertility has changed my life. In some ways I thought for the worst. But in others for the good. I have became aware of so many things I never knew existed including depression ( I knew it existed just have never experienced it in my own life).
There are so many things we can be bitter about. I could write a book about all of mine. However, that is not what God wants from us. He solely wants us to want him. He wants us to need him. He wants us to put all of our hope, fears, emotions...everything in him. He wants for us to love him and trust him. All of these things seem so simple. They are when you put your mind and your heart to it. God does not want us to hurt. He wants us to be joyful and happy. I believe we can find that in our journey if we just stop looking at the negative of it and just let God have it. Let him do his work with it. Really it isn't about us. It is about what God wants for us out of this whole journey. Yes, it is physically, mentally and emotionally draining. Yes, it is so hard to just let go (I am not even there yet), but with support and love from God's people, people with his very own heart, we can do this! And we will one day know why all of this happened! I often think of what it will be like when God finally says "My child, why did you not trust me? See how wonderful the plans I had for you were. See how much I love you." We just need to be still and wait for God. God loves us at our worst and our best and in between. He LOVES us! He LOVES you!!
I hope and pray that through my pain, one of you will find hope! That is my goal and my prayer every day. I love each and every one of you and I thank you so much for all of the support and prayers. We are not finished with this journey but I am specifically praying for God to guide me on a decision as when and what to do as far as treatment goes. Please pray for us and our marriage and for God to work in my life through this journey. XOXO to all and baby dust to those of you ladies still trying actively to conceive!
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
God's plan is far greater than my own plan for our life
You read it right my friends....
GOD'S PLAN IS FAR GREATER THAN THESE PLANS I HAVE FOR MYSELF AND OUR LIFE
And the same goes for your life as well.
Even YOU!
I say this to lead up to this...
I got up this morning, knots in my stomach, nervous as all get out because since starting this journey 6 years ago, I have never been regular with my monthly visitor or "Aunt Flo" as us Infertile Myrtle's like to call it. The past 2 years since starting aggressive treatment with our current and most favorite Doctor, I have been 28-30 days on my cycle which is HUGE for me!! So, being any day "late" on Aunt Flo is a big deal and causes much stress and nervousness and excitement....
With that said, I tested this morning...And got a big fat negative...again...
I sat and cried for a minute or two and then slowly realized in that time of sadness and disappointment that God has a bigger plan for us. Brandon and I have been talking a lot about adoption and other more aggressive treatment options for us. Maybe those are our paths we should take....From this point we are to just remain faithful and continue praying to God and praising Him for his blessings and for getting us this far in our journey, to where we know what our issues are and for the lesson we are learning more and more everyday....WAIT...ON....GOD....
Yes, wait on God. He knows our destiny and our next move or next step before we ever do! He knows the outcome and we are to just trust in Him and keep our faith in Him to give us what we NEED. God will always provide, just not when we want Him too. He works on His own time and His own schedule...Not ours.
This month is another reminder that I need to keep pursing Him and quit trying to make things happen for myself. Over the past 2 to 3 months I have lost myself in grief and disappointments....I lost God in that too but its time to get back up, dust off and keep going....Stronger than before.
Please keep us in your prayers. We still have a long way to go and we are not going to give up just yet. When God tells us it is time to sit back from the treatment and just go a different path, then we will do that. But until then, I am still going to take a break, pray without ceasing, trust in Him to bless us with our baby, and wait to start another cycle just yet with our Doctor.
Love you all!! <3 I pray you guys have a great week!!
Feel free to leave your comments here on the blog. Emailing is fine but I am not diligent with my email...(yeah, I am an email slacker). I love all of the messages I get. They keep me going strong!
GOD'S PLAN IS FAR GREATER THAN THESE PLANS I HAVE FOR MYSELF AND OUR LIFE
And the same goes for your life as well.
Even YOU!
I say this to lead up to this...
I got up this morning, knots in my stomach, nervous as all get out because since starting this journey 6 years ago, I have never been regular with my monthly visitor or "Aunt Flo" as us Infertile Myrtle's like to call it. The past 2 years since starting aggressive treatment with our current and most favorite Doctor, I have been 28-30 days on my cycle which is HUGE for me!! So, being any day "late" on Aunt Flo is a big deal and causes much stress and nervousness and excitement....
With that said, I tested this morning...And got a big fat negative...again...
I sat and cried for a minute or two and then slowly realized in that time of sadness and disappointment that God has a bigger plan for us. Brandon and I have been talking a lot about adoption and other more aggressive treatment options for us. Maybe those are our paths we should take....From this point we are to just remain faithful and continue praying to God and praising Him for his blessings and for getting us this far in our journey, to where we know what our issues are and for the lesson we are learning more and more everyday....WAIT...ON....GOD....
Yes, wait on God. He knows our destiny and our next move or next step before we ever do! He knows the outcome and we are to just trust in Him and keep our faith in Him to give us what we NEED. God will always provide, just not when we want Him too. He works on His own time and His own schedule...Not ours.
This month is another reminder that I need to keep pursing Him and quit trying to make things happen for myself. Over the past 2 to 3 months I have lost myself in grief and disappointments....I lost God in that too but its time to get back up, dust off and keep going....Stronger than before.
Please keep us in your prayers. We still have a long way to go and we are not going to give up just yet. When God tells us it is time to sit back from the treatment and just go a different path, then we will do that. But until then, I am still going to take a break, pray without ceasing, trust in Him to bless us with our baby, and wait to start another cycle just yet with our Doctor.
Love you all!! <3 I pray you guys have a great week!!
Feel free to leave your comments here on the blog. Emailing is fine but I am not diligent with my email...(yeah, I am an email slacker). I love all of the messages I get. They keep me going strong!
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Let your Faith be bigger than your Fears
Its been a while my faithful readers! I sat here and thought today "Man, I NEED to blog tonight". I just get these days where blogging is such an outlet for me. Its a release that is unexplainable. It clears my mind and I do not do it near as often as I should. I see some blogs where people post their every move and like 6-10 posts a day. I don't want to bore you guys so I will NEVER post 6-10 posts a day...Unless, I get pregnant...Then my friends, this blog will be blowed up with posts! LOL
So, where are we? Yes, I have been asked this sooooo much in the past couple of weeks. So many times I can't count on my fingers and toes....
WE ARE STILL WAITING!
Yes my friends, we are still on the wait. We have not made plans for starting back with treatment just yet. We have been actively charting and trying at home and I am now.......8 DAYS LATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Of course this DOES NOT mean I am pregnant but its farther than we have been in a long time. For the past 2 years I have gotten on a regular schedule with my "Aunt Flo" and last month was dead on 29 days. This month has not been the case. I took a HPT (Home Pregnancy Test) on the 6th day and it was negative but I have been told to not test until Day 10 or further just to make sure the HcG is prominent in the urine. So...now I have to wait until then and see what God has in store for us. We are not giving up although it has crossed my mind often. But we shall see.
This Saturday July 12th, my hubby and I celebrated 6 years of marriage. Today we have been together 12 years and 10 months. WOW! I can't even believe it myself because it doesn't seem like we have been together this long. We have so much to be thankful for even though the past 6 years have brought about much tragedy and heartache. God has placed us in some amazing places at amazing times to meet new people and lead them where they needed to be in order to reach for their dreams. For that I am ever so grateful and thankful. Even if I never get my prayer answered for a baby, I will still be here to advocate for women who are suffering from Infertility and need inspiration, hope and guidance. So just always know this!
Please join us in praying for our baby we have yet to be blessed with. We are ever so grateful and thankful for all of the prayers you guys send up for us! God knows our future and he knows our hearts. When he gets ready, he will bless us with way more than we have ever dreamed of and ever prayed for. He is faithful to those who keep their faith in Him. Brandon and I have all of our faith in Him. Right where it needs to be.
We love you guys. I know I do not update often but you must know how hard this journey is for me. One day I am all for talking about it and blogging about it but some days, no matter how much faith and trust you put in God, you still have times where you just want to lay in bed and cry all day because what you want more than anything in this world is so far away from your reach. I will update at soon as I work the nerve up to take another test within the next few days. I am not getting my hopes up but I know that God already knows the outcome.
So, where are we? Yes, I have been asked this sooooo much in the past couple of weeks. So many times I can't count on my fingers and toes....
WE ARE STILL WAITING!
Yes my friends, we are still on the wait. We have not made plans for starting back with treatment just yet. We have been actively charting and trying at home and I am now.......8 DAYS LATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Of course this DOES NOT mean I am pregnant but its farther than we have been in a long time. For the past 2 years I have gotten on a regular schedule with my "Aunt Flo" and last month was dead on 29 days. This month has not been the case. I took a HPT (Home Pregnancy Test) on the 6th day and it was negative but I have been told to not test until Day 10 or further just to make sure the HcG is prominent in the urine. So...now I have to wait until then and see what God has in store for us. We are not giving up although it has crossed my mind often. But we shall see.
This Saturday July 12th, my hubby and I celebrated 6 years of marriage. Today we have been together 12 years and 10 months. WOW! I can't even believe it myself because it doesn't seem like we have been together this long. We have so much to be thankful for even though the past 6 years have brought about much tragedy and heartache. God has placed us in some amazing places at amazing times to meet new people and lead them where they needed to be in order to reach for their dreams. For that I am ever so grateful and thankful. Even if I never get my prayer answered for a baby, I will still be here to advocate for women who are suffering from Infertility and need inspiration, hope and guidance. So just always know this!
Please join us in praying for our baby we have yet to be blessed with. We are ever so grateful and thankful for all of the prayers you guys send up for us! God knows our future and he knows our hearts. When he gets ready, he will bless us with way more than we have ever dreamed of and ever prayed for. He is faithful to those who keep their faith in Him. Brandon and I have all of our faith in Him. Right where it needs to be.We love you guys. I know I do not update often but you must know how hard this journey is for me. One day I am all for talking about it and blogging about it but some days, no matter how much faith and trust you put in God, you still have times where you just want to lay in bed and cry all day because what you want more than anything in this world is so far away from your reach. I will update at soon as I work the nerve up to take another test within the next few days. I am not getting my hopes up but I know that God already knows the outcome.
Saturday, June 14, 2014
For the men with empty arms and full hearts!
Each year for the past 6 years, when Mother's Day rolls around, I dread it...I cry and wish and cry and hope and cry...and cry...It is a sad day for me because I want nothing more than to be able to celebrate God blessing me with a child that will call me "Mommy" (or whatever else they want to call me). I know how broken hearted I am on Mother's Day and I know Father's Day for so many men is a sad day too (even though they may not admit it or show it). My hubby being one of those men.Father's Day is a day for us to celebrate the men in our lives who have taught us something that will forever be engraved on our hearts and our lives. Father's Day is a day to celebrate the men in our lives who have showed unconditional love and affection to us when we needed it the most and most likely did not deserve it. Father's Day is a day to celebrate the men in our lives who are special to us for so many reasons. Now, did I say that any of those men have to be our Dad's? Of course not!! Although 99.9% of the men in our lives who have done all of the above is our Daddy! Some may not have an actual "father" to celebrate for whatever reason. That man may be a grandfather, an uncle, a friend of the family, a step father, a brother, a cousin or just a good friend. Let's not link Father's Day or Mother's Day to just our Mom and Dad!
With that said, I want to take time out to say a few things about my husband! He may not be a "father" yet in the traditional sense, but let me tell you, this man has a Father's heart for sure. He is a big kid with a giant heart who loves unconditionally and is affectionate, who teaches new things to me on a daily basis, who is always 100% into the lives of others with his whole heart and is more than special to me! He works his butt off for his family and never complains not one bit. He loves me when I am not loveable. That, my friends, is a Father in the making! God has given my love, the heart of a Father. Although we are still waiting on that precious little one of ours to ascend from Heaven, Brandon is still a Father in so many ways! I can't say that our marriage is perfect or that he is perfect. No one is perfect. We all have our faults, marriages are not always the best especially when you are going through infertility and sometimes we feel as though we just can't do it anymore. But right now, in our lives and on this Father's Day, I have to say that God doesn't make mistakes (as if we didn't already know this). God put Brandon in my life when he did for a reason. He planned out our lives from the beginning and each of us were already in the plan for one another. Our infertility was already there too. God has it all planned out. God gave Brandon his very own heart...The heart of a Father! And he made him especially for me! For that I am so thankful!
For all of you men out there who are longing to be able to celebrate "Father's Day", now is just as good of a time as when you have a child in your arms. Each and every one of you, who are saved and has Jesus in your heart, has the heart of a Father! We have the Holy Spirit in our hearts to guide us each day and night. That Holy Spirit is the Spirit of God my friends!! And God is our Father!!! Don't ever feel that you are not a Father just because you do not have children on this earth! As I have said before about being a Mother, it is not just about having a child of your own in your arms or about being called "Daddy". Its about leaving something special on the hearts of those you are around. Its about teaching others things about life or whatever, and leaving that on their hearts. My Brandon is definitely a Father in my eyes. And I know that in God's time, he will be holding his baby in his arms for the first time.
I must say I am so thankful for a Heavenly Father that loves me at my worst, forgives me when I am not worthy of being forgiven, listens to me when I cry and yell at Him for not giving me what I want when I want it and blesses me more than I notice sometimes. I am thankful for a Heavenly Father who makes promises that He keeps and gives me hope when I am not so hopeful. He loves me unconditionally when I am not loveable at all. For this I am ever so thankful!
My Dad is not here with me on this earth anymore. That doesn't mean I cannot celebrate the 22 years I got with him on this earth. I miss and love him more than I could ever express but I know he is in such a better place. Don't get me wrong...I am selfish! I want him here with me and my family. I can assure you that even if he had the chance to come back to this earth, you best believe he would not want too! I have a Papa that has always been like a Father to me and has always shown all of us grand kids unconditional love and support! I am so thankful for him and his guidance (that I almost always never applied to my own life and wish I had) and his unconditional love! This Father's Day I will celebrate these things!
I am so blessed in my own life with great men who have left lasting impressions on my life! I am so thankful for the "Father's" I get to celebrate this Father's Day! For all of you men out there with empty arms this Father's Day, I am thinking of you and praying for you! God will fill those arms of yours when the time is just right!! Never lose hope!!
Sunday, June 8, 2014
Recently in Lutherville...
I have had a lot of people ask why I haven't updated my blog in a few weeks. So, I figured I would post and let everyone know how things are currently going for us on this journey to become parents.
In my last post, I let everyone know that Brandon and I have decided to take a short break to "recollect" ourselves and just let my body relax for a bit. We are still on that same road, waiting to decide when will be the best "starting back date" for us. We have been praying about it and God hasn't spoken to us yet with when is a good time.
Emotionally, making a decision to take a break has been the hardest of my life. The "what if" is killing me, but I know physically I need to take some time for me. Even mentally, I need some time. The past 6 years I have religiously tested every single month, at the least with 2 tests. I have practically used my husband, most of the time, as just a sperm donor. I have lost who I am in this whole emotional mess I am in. I have taken basal temps, charted what was supposed to be ovulation that never happened, lay with my butt in the air for hours and hours and hours, checked for cervical mucus (gross I once thought but now if its there it is such a blessing), taken all kinds of weird vitamins, drank special teas, ate special food, lost 50 pounds (which still isn't enough), seen 5 different doctors including 3 GYN and 2 Reproductive Endo, had biopsies of my uterus, exam after exam after exam, probably would be a 2 or 3 gallon blood giver by now if it was being measured with all of the lab work I have had done over the past 6 years, been sick almost every month for the past 2 years due to medication additions and adjustments including one hospital stay for a jacked up heart, had to see a shrink and a therapist, lost friends, lost enough money to buy a brand new home, starting to lose a marriage that I so deeply do not want to lose because we have neglected one another in the midst of trying to conceive, quit my job to pursue treatments and work on my BA....I am sure so many more things have occurred but right now my brain is at its whits end so that is all I can recollect right now.
With all of that said, there are some pretty good things that have came out of this. I wouldn't want to leave those things out! This is how God is working in my life! For instance, I have met some pretty amazing people on this journey! Life long friends and some do not even live here and I may not ever meet them in person because they live across the country. But these ladies have been so supportive, loving and caring that I will always have a special place in my heart for them. The most important thing is that I came to really know Jesus through this journey! I got saved on April 20, 2011 after getting to the end of my own personal, lonely rope. I knew that the only way I was going to make it was by finding Jesus and starting a relationship with Him! Since then, I have had the amazing opportunity to share God's faithfulness through this journey by writing this blog and being able to speak to women on a one to one basis and most recently spoke at my church on Mother's Day about our story. Although I am always generally negative about this whole journey (there isn't much positive about wanting something you can't have), there are specific reasons I am thankful for it, like the ones above! In every miserable, depressing journey, there are always a few things God sends us to show us that He is at work in it. This story of mine is a great example!
For those that have asked me through Facebook, we are NOT "giving up" or stopping treatments. Right now, our Doctor wants to work a few things out with Brandon's sperm (at my request) which is still low in numbers. Doc thinks more than 3 million is great for IUI but I still feel like we need as many as we can possibly get! He will go in for another semen analysis here soon and we will go from there. If the count has gone up then we will stay where we are, not adding in any new meds for him and pray for God to give us the answers we are looking for as to when we should start back treatments. Right now I am trying to make a decision about school and our future. I already know I will be a stay at home Mom because this is something Brandon and I have talked about for a very long time now. But I want to have a good career that I can fall back on in the instance we need it. So that is important to us right now too, that we make the right decisions. I know if we continue treatments, I will not be able to start any type of program because with my blood pressure and my A-Fib I would be most likely high risk and I do not know what will come of that and pregnancy mixed together. And of course, our baby or babies will ALWAYS come first!
Please join us in praying for answers! We are praying specifically for God to manifest to us when we should go back and do another round of treatments. We are praying for Brandon's count to be more than 10 million on his next analysis! We are also praying for God to guide us in what our next step will be for treatment. We are currently talking IVF but have not made any decisions, considering the amount of money it costs for IVF ($8,000-$10,000 for one cycle depending on what type of IVF we do) and the toll it takes on my body. Plus our Doctor has told us many times that we do not need IVF because nothing is wrong other than a low but not severely low, sperm count. So we are praying for answers to all of that right now. God will not lead us down the wrong path. We have faith that He will work it all out for our good! I love getting messages from you guys asking questions and being concerned for us! I love the encouragement because even the most faithful gets down in the dumps every now and then (not that I am the most faithful but I am working on it). It really helps me get through! Thank you all for the kind words and prayers! Keep them coming! Also, please pray for healing for my heart. I have been having some more issues with palpitations most likely bouts of A-Fib again as well as an unstable blood pressure (high). I know its stress because I have been stressing about many things including when to start another round of treatment. So please pray for that as well!! I love you all and I will continue to pray for all of my fellow infertility sisters! God is with us ladies!! Always with us!!!
P.S: I haven't forgotten about blogging my personal testimony of how and why I found Jesus when I did. I am still praying about that too!
(Disclaimer: Everything in my blog posts is my own personal experience. We each have our own story)
In my last post, I let everyone know that Brandon and I have decided to take a short break to "recollect" ourselves and just let my body relax for a bit. We are still on that same road, waiting to decide when will be the best "starting back date" for us. We have been praying about it and God hasn't spoken to us yet with when is a good time.
Emotionally, making a decision to take a break has been the hardest of my life. The "what if" is killing me, but I know physically I need to take some time for me. Even mentally, I need some time. The past 6 years I have religiously tested every single month, at the least with 2 tests. I have practically used my husband, most of the time, as just a sperm donor. I have lost who I am in this whole emotional mess I am in. I have taken basal temps, charted what was supposed to be ovulation that never happened, lay with my butt in the air for hours and hours and hours, checked for cervical mucus (gross I once thought but now if its there it is such a blessing), taken all kinds of weird vitamins, drank special teas, ate special food, lost 50 pounds (which still isn't enough), seen 5 different doctors including 3 GYN and 2 Reproductive Endo, had biopsies of my uterus, exam after exam after exam, probably would be a 2 or 3 gallon blood giver by now if it was being measured with all of the lab work I have had done over the past 6 years, been sick almost every month for the past 2 years due to medication additions and adjustments including one hospital stay for a jacked up heart, had to see a shrink and a therapist, lost friends, lost enough money to buy a brand new home, starting to lose a marriage that I so deeply do not want to lose because we have neglected one another in the midst of trying to conceive, quit my job to pursue treatments and work on my BA....I am sure so many more things have occurred but right now my brain is at its whits end so that is all I can recollect right now.
With all of that said, there are some pretty good things that have came out of this. I wouldn't want to leave those things out! This is how God is working in my life! For instance, I have met some pretty amazing people on this journey! Life long friends and some do not even live here and I may not ever meet them in person because they live across the country. But these ladies have been so supportive, loving and caring that I will always have a special place in my heart for them. The most important thing is that I came to really know Jesus through this journey! I got saved on April 20, 2011 after getting to the end of my own personal, lonely rope. I knew that the only way I was going to make it was by finding Jesus and starting a relationship with Him! Since then, I have had the amazing opportunity to share God's faithfulness through this journey by writing this blog and being able to speak to women on a one to one basis and most recently spoke at my church on Mother's Day about our story. Although I am always generally negative about this whole journey (there isn't much positive about wanting something you can't have), there are specific reasons I am thankful for it, like the ones above! In every miserable, depressing journey, there are always a few things God sends us to show us that He is at work in it. This story of mine is a great example!
For those that have asked me through Facebook, we are NOT "giving up" or stopping treatments. Right now, our Doctor wants to work a few things out with Brandon's sperm (at my request) which is still low in numbers. Doc thinks more than 3 million is great for IUI but I still feel like we need as many as we can possibly get! He will go in for another semen analysis here soon and we will go from there. If the count has gone up then we will stay where we are, not adding in any new meds for him and pray for God to give us the answers we are looking for as to when we should start back treatments. Right now I am trying to make a decision about school and our future. I already know I will be a stay at home Mom because this is something Brandon and I have talked about for a very long time now. But I want to have a good career that I can fall back on in the instance we need it. So that is important to us right now too, that we make the right decisions. I know if we continue treatments, I will not be able to start any type of program because with my blood pressure and my A-Fib I would be most likely high risk and I do not know what will come of that and pregnancy mixed together. And of course, our baby or babies will ALWAYS come first!
Please join us in praying for answers! We are praying specifically for God to manifest to us when we should go back and do another round of treatments. We are praying for Brandon's count to be more than 10 million on his next analysis! We are also praying for God to guide us in what our next step will be for treatment. We are currently talking IVF but have not made any decisions, considering the amount of money it costs for IVF ($8,000-$10,000 for one cycle depending on what type of IVF we do) and the toll it takes on my body. Plus our Doctor has told us many times that we do not need IVF because nothing is wrong other than a low but not severely low, sperm count. So we are praying for answers to all of that right now. God will not lead us down the wrong path. We have faith that He will work it all out for our good! I love getting messages from you guys asking questions and being concerned for us! I love the encouragement because even the most faithful gets down in the dumps every now and then (not that I am the most faithful but I am working on it). It really helps me get through! Thank you all for the kind words and prayers! Keep them coming! Also, please pray for healing for my heart. I have been having some more issues with palpitations most likely bouts of A-Fib again as well as an unstable blood pressure (high). I know its stress because I have been stressing about many things including when to start another round of treatment. So please pray for that as well!! I love you all and I will continue to pray for all of my fellow infertility sisters! God is with us ladies!! Always with us!!!
P.S: I haven't forgotten about blogging my personal testimony of how and why I found Jesus when I did. I am still praying about that too!
(Disclaimer: Everything in my blog posts is my own personal experience. We each have our own story)
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Quick Update
I haven't been as diligent with blogging lately as I initially was. Maybe it is because this whole journey is burning me out...Sometimes I just need a breather away from everything "fertility" related. Usually a day or two but not weeks. Man I am slacking!
Okay, so I wanted to update everyone where we stand right now with our treatments and cycles, etc.
We are currently taking a much needed break from treatments. We are still taking the medications however we are not going in for the many ultrasounds and pokes and prods. We are just hanging out at home, trying to re find one another. Infertility is hard on the individuals experiencing it by all means. But, it can take its toll on your marriage and other relationships as well. And let me just say, my marriage and the relationship my husband and I have, has definitely did a nose dive into the dirt over the past few years. The main issue isn't really the infertility. Its mainly family issues that continue to plague us year after year due to jealousy and enviousness and just plain sickness. I have never seen people, especially family (in my case...extended family would be more appropriate because I do not consider for the most part "family") try to ruin a young marriage but boy oh boy was I wrong! So, we will deal with what we have to, cut out what we have to, do whatever in our power to make this work. After all, we still love each other...We just have to find the romance and erotic pleasure we once had, prior to baby making and doctors. All of the "fun" of sex just goes away when you are on a calendar every single month. Its the spur of the moment sex that makes my heart go pitter patter...Not the "Get in here, we are on CD 15 and need to be doing the baby dance". Even if you aren't in the mood, you learn to "lay there" and take one for the team. Well, it gets unhealthy and causes arguments and disagreements...So we have decided to put our marriage and our relationship up front for the moment. After all, who wants to bring a baby into a screwed up relationship situation...NOT US!
I have stayed in contact with our care coordinator about our next steps. I have not given a start date but we are shooting for July or August to start back our treatments. However, I need to be doing some major No Carbing before and I have lost my will power to do it. I am addicted to food...bottom line...I always have been. Everything we do is planned around breakfast, lunch or dinner plans. Most healthy food tastes like crap. So I stick to what I know and it gets boring. So then I fall off the wagon only to be drug behind it with road rash to remind me of the struggle (LOL). I gotta figure something out before I gain back the 50 lbs I lost last year.
I will be randomly updating with a few different types of posts. I want to share my testimony with everyone who reads and follows my blog and our journey. God has gotten me where I am today and has gotten me to be able to write about our journey, in hopes of helping others. My goal from the beginning, as I have said a million times, was to just "BE REAL"! I am being as real and I possibly can because I want everyone to know what it is really like, not sugar coated or fancied up. This is real life. The real life of Kristie and Brandon and our journey to become parents. It isn't a great journey, but it is ours. This is what God chose for us to endure temporarily (because I know He will bless us with a baby).
Thank you all for always asking for updates and emailing questions or concerns you have. I LOVE LOVE LOVE answering your questions and providing feedback to your situations. I love you all and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the prayers. Please keep them coming. We are still on the journey. We have not given up and never will until the fat lady sings...Well, really until God says so. But we have NOT given up! We are just taking a breather! Treatments are intense and costly. We have been aggressively being treated for over a year and half with no breaks. Prior to that, I was being aggressively treated for 3 years, with no breaks. So it is time for a break. And it is okay to take a break every now and again. You have to find yourself in all the hustle and bustle of infertility treatments. Do not give up either!!
Okay, so I wanted to update everyone where we stand right now with our treatments and cycles, etc.
We are currently taking a much needed break from treatments. We are still taking the medications however we are not going in for the many ultrasounds and pokes and prods. We are just hanging out at home, trying to re find one another. Infertility is hard on the individuals experiencing it by all means. But, it can take its toll on your marriage and other relationships as well. And let me just say, my marriage and the relationship my husband and I have, has definitely did a nose dive into the dirt over the past few years. The main issue isn't really the infertility. Its mainly family issues that continue to plague us year after year due to jealousy and enviousness and just plain sickness. I have never seen people, especially family (in my case...extended family would be more appropriate because I do not consider for the most part "family") try to ruin a young marriage but boy oh boy was I wrong! So, we will deal with what we have to, cut out what we have to, do whatever in our power to make this work. After all, we still love each other...We just have to find the romance and erotic pleasure we once had, prior to baby making and doctors. All of the "fun" of sex just goes away when you are on a calendar every single month. Its the spur of the moment sex that makes my heart go pitter patter...Not the "Get in here, we are on CD 15 and need to be doing the baby dance". Even if you aren't in the mood, you learn to "lay there" and take one for the team. Well, it gets unhealthy and causes arguments and disagreements...So we have decided to put our marriage and our relationship up front for the moment. After all, who wants to bring a baby into a screwed up relationship situation...NOT US!
I have stayed in contact with our care coordinator about our next steps. I have not given a start date but we are shooting for July or August to start back our treatments. However, I need to be doing some major No Carbing before and I have lost my will power to do it. I am addicted to food...bottom line...I always have been. Everything we do is planned around breakfast, lunch or dinner plans. Most healthy food tastes like crap. So I stick to what I know and it gets boring. So then I fall off the wagon only to be drug behind it with road rash to remind me of the struggle (LOL). I gotta figure something out before I gain back the 50 lbs I lost last year.
I will be randomly updating with a few different types of posts. I want to share my testimony with everyone who reads and follows my blog and our journey. God has gotten me where I am today and has gotten me to be able to write about our journey, in hopes of helping others. My goal from the beginning, as I have said a million times, was to just "BE REAL"! I am being as real and I possibly can because I want everyone to know what it is really like, not sugar coated or fancied up. This is real life. The real life of Kristie and Brandon and our journey to become parents. It isn't a great journey, but it is ours. This is what God chose for us to endure temporarily (because I know He will bless us with a baby).
Thank you all for always asking for updates and emailing questions or concerns you have. I LOVE LOVE LOVE answering your questions and providing feedback to your situations. I love you all and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the prayers. Please keep them coming. We are still on the journey. We have not given up and never will until the fat lady sings...Well, really until God says so. But we have NOT given up! We are just taking a breather! Treatments are intense and costly. We have been aggressively being treated for over a year and half with no breaks. Prior to that, I was being aggressively treated for 3 years, with no breaks. So it is time for a break. And it is okay to take a break every now and again. You have to find yourself in all the hustle and bustle of infertility treatments. Do not give up either!!
Saturday, May 10, 2014
Mother's Day...The day I used to dread....
Mother's Day....
Yes, "Mother's" Day...The day we celebrate our Mothers, Grandmothers and...being a Mother...Well, not us infertile ladies....It happens to be a sad day for us...It reminds us of what we don't have. It reminds us of the control we don't have over our bodies. It reminds us that our dreams are yet to be fulfilled. It is a big, stinky day of "reminders" for us.
That was just how I saw Mother's Day for the past 5 years. I dreaded it. I actually hated it (God says we shall not hate, but to be honest, He knows how bad I really really didn't like Mothers Day). I celebrate my Mother, my Grandmother and my Aunt of course. 3 women who have had a major impact in my life. I celebrate the fact that my best friend is the most amazing Mother there is and I pray I can one day be just a portion of the Mother she is. There is so much to celebrate, even in the midst of the pain I feel.
Ever since I found Jesus in 2011, my life has not been easy by no means. But I have a peace about the things that are happening in my life. Whereas before I didn't feel there was any hope at all for me. I didn't want to wake up the next day many nights because I was so miserable. I suffered from an intense level of grief from losing my Dad so tragically. I suffered an intense level of grief for the baby I have yet to conceive and meet. I felt like a failure for quitting school and deciding to let my husband follow his dream of starting his own business. I felt like a failure for not being able to give my husband a child of his own. I-felt-like-a-huge-FAILURE! But then one day, I realized something....There are people in this world and even in our little town that have been through some amazingly tragic, tough times and they have a relationship with Jesus Christ and they have HOPE! I wanted that. I wanted to not feel so depressed and sad all the time. So I made the decision to ask God to forgive me for my past and for a chance to start new with a new heart filled with joy, hope, faith and happiness. A chance for a new path in this life and to understand the journey I am on. God gave me HOPE! He gave me a second chance! There are still days where I do not feel very much like a Christian because I doubt, I get angry, I say bad words when I get angry and I above all else, worry my self to death. But if we were to never have a bad day or a bad time in our lives, even as Christians, we would never need God!
With that said, this Mother's Day is a new one for me! I have learned that being a Mother is not just bringing a tiny human into this world through birth. Being a Mother is bringing life to anyone! If you meet a stranger and you say something nice to them, you have brought them a since of what life is all about. That is being a Mother. Motherhood is a desire that God gives each and everyone of us women. He gives it to us, not just to have a child of our own. He gives it to us, so that we can breathe life into this world and Mother his creation! Being a Mother in the image of God is bringing forth new life, nurturing those on her path. Being a mother is teaching good things. Not just to a child in which she bore but to anyone who crosses her path! Each and everyone of us, has a Mother's heart!!
For the past 6 years I have put a child I have yet to conceive above all else in my life. He/she has been my number one priority in everything I have done. That my friends, is the heart of Mother.
This Mother's Day, please remember those that are grieving this day. Say a prayer for the Mother's who have lost a baby whether it be through a miscarriage or a baby that was born and left too soon. Say a prayer for those that are doing everything in their power to conceive a child. No one knows these paths and the hurt and pain that are on them, unless you have walked in them yourself. Celebrate your Mother, Grandmothers, Aunts and friends. Having a baby and being a "Mom" is one of the greatest blessings one could ever receive! Having a Mother's heart is knowing that is true!
Happy Mother's Day to all of the Mother's out there reading this post! Even the ones like me, who is still trying...Happy Mother's Day!!
Yes, "Mother's" Day...The day we celebrate our Mothers, Grandmothers and...being a Mother...Well, not us infertile ladies....It happens to be a sad day for us...It reminds us of what we don't have. It reminds us of the control we don't have over our bodies. It reminds us that our dreams are yet to be fulfilled. It is a big, stinky day of "reminders" for us.
That was just how I saw Mother's Day for the past 5 years. I dreaded it. I actually hated it (God says we shall not hate, but to be honest, He knows how bad I really really didn't like Mothers Day). I celebrate my Mother, my Grandmother and my Aunt of course. 3 women who have had a major impact in my life. I celebrate the fact that my best friend is the most amazing Mother there is and I pray I can one day be just a portion of the Mother she is. There is so much to celebrate, even in the midst of the pain I feel.
Ever since I found Jesus in 2011, my life has not been easy by no means. But I have a peace about the things that are happening in my life. Whereas before I didn't feel there was any hope at all for me. I didn't want to wake up the next day many nights because I was so miserable. I suffered from an intense level of grief from losing my Dad so tragically. I suffered an intense level of grief for the baby I have yet to conceive and meet. I felt like a failure for quitting school and deciding to let my husband follow his dream of starting his own business. I felt like a failure for not being able to give my husband a child of his own. I-felt-like-a-huge-FAILURE! But then one day, I realized something....There are people in this world and even in our little town that have been through some amazingly tragic, tough times and they have a relationship with Jesus Christ and they have HOPE! I wanted that. I wanted to not feel so depressed and sad all the time. So I made the decision to ask God to forgive me for my past and for a chance to start new with a new heart filled with joy, hope, faith and happiness. A chance for a new path in this life and to understand the journey I am on. God gave me HOPE! He gave me a second chance! There are still days where I do not feel very much like a Christian because I doubt, I get angry, I say bad words when I get angry and I above all else, worry my self to death. But if we were to never have a bad day or a bad time in our lives, even as Christians, we would never need God!
With that said, this Mother's Day is a new one for me! I have learned that being a Mother is not just bringing a tiny human into this world through birth. Being a Mother is bringing life to anyone! If you meet a stranger and you say something nice to them, you have brought them a since of what life is all about. That is being a Mother. Motherhood is a desire that God gives each and everyone of us women. He gives it to us, not just to have a child of our own. He gives it to us, so that we can breathe life into this world and Mother his creation! Being a Mother in the image of God is bringing forth new life, nurturing those on her path. Being a mother is teaching good things. Not just to a child in which she bore but to anyone who crosses her path! Each and everyone of us, has a Mother's heart!!
For the past 6 years I have put a child I have yet to conceive above all else in my life. He/she has been my number one priority in everything I have done. That my friends, is the heart of Mother.
This Mother's Day, please remember those that are grieving this day. Say a prayer for the Mother's who have lost a baby whether it be through a miscarriage or a baby that was born and left too soon. Say a prayer for those that are doing everything in their power to conceive a child. No one knows these paths and the hurt and pain that are on them, unless you have walked in them yourself. Celebrate your Mother, Grandmothers, Aunts and friends. Having a baby and being a "Mom" is one of the greatest blessings one could ever receive! Having a Mother's heart is knowing that is true!
Happy Mother's Day to all of the Mother's out there reading this post! Even the ones like me, who is still trying...Happy Mother's Day!!
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
National Infertility Awareness Week
There are 7.4 Million women in the United States alone, that suffer from Infertility currently. This doesn't include the men who are diagnosed with being infertile or having fertility issues that are being treated.
This means that there are 7.4 Million "Mommy's at heart" who are waiting not so patiently for their dreams to come true and their miracle to be given! Myself included!!This also means, that there are 7.4 Million women suffering from Infertility and may or may not ever become a Mommy through giving birth to their own baby.
Being infertile is NOT easy!! It is NOT something that us women use as a crutch or a way to get pity from others. Usually the ones who have smart mouthed comments about us women who are struggling with infertility, are those that have no idea what being infertile is about or what it feels like. It is mostly women who have children of their own. As I have said numerous times, ignorance is one of the hardest things to try to deal with while trying to handle being infertile. Which is a lot of the reason I started this blog....To bring awareness to what someone who is experiencing infertility actually goes through. To bring light to this dark situation. To make the ignorant ones more knowledgeable of what infertility is and why it is difficult to struggle with. To put all of the bull crap comments aside and to bring forth facts. Facts that will one day, change the way people think about Infertility. Facts that will one day, hopefully and prayerfully, bring insurance companies to see that infertility is a medical diagnosis, a disease of the reproductive system, so they will start covering diagnostic testing, treatments such as IUI or timed intercourse cycles with medications and Invitro Fertilization treatments! Not just one or 2 cycles like some companies cover today, but as many as needed for those that have had failed cycles and still have the desire to be parents and no funds to cover the costs.
Not one person should be turned down from having a baby because they do not have thousands of dollars to pay for the treatments to make their dreams come true. Its just not fair!
I pray on a daily basis, more than once a day for God to bless Brandon and I with a positive HcG pregnancy test. I have prayed for many years for this positive test and it has not been in God's perfect plan for us, yet. That doesn't not mean I will give up. It means, I will continue to pray through the terrible storm we are in. I will continue to share my story in hopes that others will feel more comfortable to share their stories. This is how you raise awareness folks!!
On my Facebook page earlier today I posted about the costs of treatments. Just from estimating, in the last 16 months, Brandon and I have invested close to $27,000 in our journey. This doesn't include lab work and other less major things we have had to pay out of pocket for. This also doesn't include the gas it takes to drive to the appointments that are over an hour and half from home. During a cycle, we go to our Doctor's office 3 times a week (or more) depending on how well things progress. That is $60 for that week, just in gas to go to and from the Doctor. So we have a small fortune invested in gas over the past 16 months with our current Doctor. None of these figures include the prior 3 years we spent with a Doctor at Shands who didn't help us at all...Only wanted to do biopsies and lab tests and medications, none of which found anything or helped anything at all...Anyways, my point of sharing this is not to complain because I can tell you every single penny of what we have invested will be more than worth it in the end. I share this simply to "bring awareness" into what it takes to pursue infertility treatments! It is not cheap!!! And like I said, insurance companies just do not offer coverage for infertility treatments. Some will cover diagnostics, medications and lab work, but most all insurance companies do not cover the actual procedures such as IUI and IVF.
I will leave you with this...SHARE YOUR STORY!!!!
You never know when God will be using YOUR story to help others!! There have been times when I didn't want to put our personal business out there for the whole world to view. Then, I felt in my heart that this is about God and not about me. This journey of Infertility is about God, not about me! No matter what happens, God will get all of the glory and praise!! God does not owe us nothing! We owe him our lives. After all, Jesus gave his life for us! So no matter what, we have to remember that every single aspect of my story, your story, EVERYONE'S STORY, is all about God and not about us!
Ecclesiastes 7:14 "When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider; God has made the one as well as the other."
No matter your situation right now, no matter your story or your journey...Praise God for being with you during it! Imagine how bad it could really be, without God as your comforter! WOW. I do not ever want to imagine that! Stay faithful, stay strong! To my fellow infertile friends who are on this journey with us....Heads up, pray without ceasing, praise God for the light he has given you in the darkest of your days, praise God for not giving you anything but his greatest blessings. Stand strong my friend! Our days are coming! God will give us the desires of our hearts! And if he doesn't plan on it, I pray that he remove that desire from our hearts!
Stay tuned guys...Brandon and I are currently going to take a little bit of a break to find ourselves again. During treatment, you get caught up in the calendar....You forget the romance and the love and the passion of being with just each other. We lost that over the past 4 years and really lost it over the past 16 months. So it is time for us to recollect ourselves. It is time for me to let my body have a break from all of the harsh medications. We are going to start back into treatment in July hopefully, after our anniversary. In the mean time, I will start sharing my testimony with everyone. I haven't forgot about it. I am praying for God to give me the right words to say when I decide to type up the posts. So bare with me. I know there are a lot of you who only know our infertility story, but do not know about my Christ journey and how I got to where I am today in my faith.
Monday, April 7, 2014
Sometimes, the answer is "Not yet"
The title of this post says it all...Sometimes God's answer is "no" or "not yet"....Its hard to swallow but it is just how it goes.
This morning at 7am I was up getting ready to go have my blood drawn. As I was getting dressed, doing my makeup and fixing this mess of hair I have on my head, all I could think about was how today may be the day our lives will change forever, in such a fantastic way! Then, in the back of my mind I always have that little voice telling me to "learn from past disappointments and do not get your hopes up, Kristie". So then the excitement of what the day may bring, turns to fear and nervousness. As always....
After going to breakfast with my loving husband, going to Walmart and getting a new bedspread I have had my eye on for while now and coming home to do the usual sit and wait routine, we finally got a call from our nurse. I could tell by her voice, as I always have been able to from past cycles....It was negative. N-E-G-A-T-I-V-E
God's answer for this cycle was N-O!
Of course I was totally devastated....Completely and utterly devastated. My heart IS broken...again. But it will heal, in God's time. I just wish some people could see the pain we experience going through this type of aggressive treatment. Its NO joke, that is for sure.
All blood work came back normal, ovulation was successful...The only explanation was (in the words of our nurse) "It just didn't take". My HcG level was 4 and anything less than 5 means "NOT PREGNANT". I have eggs, beautiful eggs that mature on command with the medication and Brandon has sperm, it may not be ten million plus, but there is sperm there. This is a perfect example of "IT JUST ISN'T GOD'S PERFECT TIMING".
Of course stress is always a factor and I happen to be the most stressed out person on the planet right now. I pray daily for God to take away the stress, but I feel like unless I move to another state or another country...I will still be stressed. The problem now is that unless I can learn to control it, I will probably never get pregnant or maintain pregnancy. I have tried the "stress management" therapy and it was not successful. I will just continue to pursue God, because He is the only way to be stress free!
God doesn't always give us the answers we want in life. For 6 years now, I have gotten a big fat "NO" every month. As long as I dwell on the "NO", I cannot see all of the "Yes" answers we have gotten from God. So with that said, I am starting a prayer box. Both Brandon and I are going to write our prayers and put them in the box. At the end of each week, we are going to go through the box and see everything God has answered. I really believe this will open my eyes to everything I am so blessed by. I am pretty excited about it.
Right now, the only thing I can do is pray for strength and peace. I know in my heart that I will be a Mother one day. I just don't know when that day will come. In the mean time, I pray for the financial means to continue this treatment as we all know it is very expensive. I pray for strength to be able to emotionally handle it and to continue on this journey. I pray for peace and understanding of what is going on. I pray that whatever the reason, God will be glorified in all of this and every single step of the way in this journey we are on.
Thank you all so much for your prayers. Please continue to keep us in your prayers as we continue on this journey. We are not giving up. Right now we wait to find out what our doctor wants to do as far as treatment for this next cycle. I am sure, more meds and stronger meds. I know that at some point, God will open my womb and bless us with a baby! Until then, I will continue to praise Him!
Stay tuned for the next post. I will be sharing my testimony in my next post and you do not want to miss what God has done in my life. I love you all!! Thank you again for all of the prayers and for supporting us in this journey. It is still not over and we can definitely still use your prayers. Prayer works as it is the direct connection to our Lord and Savior! Keep them going up specifically for a positive pregnancy test and a healthy pregnancy (when that time comes).
This morning at 7am I was up getting ready to go have my blood drawn. As I was getting dressed, doing my makeup and fixing this mess of hair I have on my head, all I could think about was how today may be the day our lives will change forever, in such a fantastic way! Then, in the back of my mind I always have that little voice telling me to "learn from past disappointments and do not get your hopes up, Kristie". So then the excitement of what the day may bring, turns to fear and nervousness. As always....
After going to breakfast with my loving husband, going to Walmart and getting a new bedspread I have had my eye on for while now and coming home to do the usual sit and wait routine, we finally got a call from our nurse. I could tell by her voice, as I always have been able to from past cycles....It was negative. N-E-G-A-T-I-V-E
God's answer for this cycle was N-O!
Of course I was totally devastated....Completely and utterly devastated. My heart IS broken...again. But it will heal, in God's time. I just wish some people could see the pain we experience going through this type of aggressive treatment. Its NO joke, that is for sure.
All blood work came back normal, ovulation was successful...The only explanation was (in the words of our nurse) "It just didn't take". My HcG level was 4 and anything less than 5 means "NOT PREGNANT". I have eggs, beautiful eggs that mature on command with the medication and Brandon has sperm, it may not be ten million plus, but there is sperm there. This is a perfect example of "IT JUST ISN'T GOD'S PERFECT TIMING".
Of course stress is always a factor and I happen to be the most stressed out person on the planet right now. I pray daily for God to take away the stress, but I feel like unless I move to another state or another country...I will still be stressed. The problem now is that unless I can learn to control it, I will probably never get pregnant or maintain pregnancy. I have tried the "stress management" therapy and it was not successful. I will just continue to pursue God, because He is the only way to be stress free!
God doesn't always give us the answers we want in life. For 6 years now, I have gotten a big fat "NO" every month. As long as I dwell on the "NO", I cannot see all of the "Yes" answers we have gotten from God. So with that said, I am starting a prayer box. Both Brandon and I are going to write our prayers and put them in the box. At the end of each week, we are going to go through the box and see everything God has answered. I really believe this will open my eyes to everything I am so blessed by. I am pretty excited about it.
Right now, the only thing I can do is pray for strength and peace. I know in my heart that I will be a Mother one day. I just don't know when that day will come. In the mean time, I pray for the financial means to continue this treatment as we all know it is very expensive. I pray for strength to be able to emotionally handle it and to continue on this journey. I pray for peace and understanding of what is going on. I pray that whatever the reason, God will be glorified in all of this and every single step of the way in this journey we are on.
Thank you all so much for your prayers. Please continue to keep us in your prayers as we continue on this journey. We are not giving up. Right now we wait to find out what our doctor wants to do as far as treatment for this next cycle. I am sure, more meds and stronger meds. I know that at some point, God will open my womb and bless us with a baby! Until then, I will continue to praise Him!
Stay tuned for the next post. I will be sharing my testimony in my next post and you do not want to miss what God has done in my life. I love you all!! Thank you again for all of the prayers and for supporting us in this journey. It is still not over and we can definitely still use your prayers. Prayer works as it is the direct connection to our Lord and Savior! Keep them going up specifically for a positive pregnancy test and a healthy pregnancy (when that time comes).
Thursday, March 27, 2014
The "wait" is the hardest part
Okay, so I know I have to catch everyone up on some things with our current cycle! Its been a while but I have been under the weather....seriously, under the weather. Every cycle we do, I feel like I have been ran over by a train. I am thinking that is mostly due to the fluctuation in my hormones since they go from one extreme to another. I mean, we are medically inducing a natural process after all.
Well, aside from the allergic reaction I had to one of the injections, the cycle went pretty good. It didn't turn out as we had initially planned but I am thanking God for absolutely anything at this point! After all, He is the reason we are here and progressing. And for that I am so thankful, no matter the outcome.
Even with the new injections and increase in dosage, I still only had one fully mature follicle. There were lots of smaller ones but the matured one dominates and kind of stops the growth of all the others. We are so thankful for this one follicle. So very thankful!
So, the good news of the whole cycle and something that really caught us off guard is that the one follicle I had, fully matured FIVE DAYS before the anticipated date!!!!!! Yes, FIVE WHOLE DAYS!!! So our IUI was moved up 3 days sooner. It made me nervous because we were suppose to abstain from intercourse for 4 days this cycle in hopes of getting a higher total motile sperm count, but we did get to abstain for 3 days so for that we are thankful. However, Brandon's count the day of the IUI was still only 4.8 million so we are just going with that number. It is the exact same as last cycle. I have came to the conclusion that God is working something great out of this for us and with a count of 4.8 million and only one mature follicle....It will be a true miracle to get pregnant on such low numbers, but you know what? My God is in the miracle business!!!
For now, we are still in the waiting game. I still feel like poo, but I am starting to feel a little better each day. I am trying to keep my stress level to a minimum and just relax for the next 16 days, as hard as that will be. I am suppose to be eating NO carbs however, that has been a huge task for me because even when I am just having my normal monthly visit from FLO, I crave sweets and starches! So with my hormones being so extreme, I crave these things more and it literally makes me want to crawl in a hole and stay there for the remainder of this cycle!!!
We are so blessed with certain people who have been such a great support system for us during the past couple of years that we have actively been pursuing our dreams. I could not imagine how we would've made it this far without our faith and our support system. You all know who you are and we love you and are so thankful for you in our lives.
My goal when I first started this blog, was to bring awareness to Infertility and those that are suffering with it. When I first boarded the "Infertility Express" I didn't have a clue what I was heading in to. No clue! Without those that are willing to share their story, I would've been so lost and clueless! I wanted to return the favor and make sure that those who are secretly suffering with infertility, know that they are NOT ever alone and there is always someone there to help you and answer your questions or offer support! This journey is shaping me into a person I never even imagined I could ever be. My faith has grown so much and for that I am ever so grateful. It makes me sad that God has to use our struggles and our sufferings to really bring His light through us, but in a lot of people, God is not fully glorified, if glorified at all, through our good times and our triumphs. I have made a pledge with myself, that even though God may not answer my prayers or give me the desires of my heart, I will still love and glorify Him in all aspects of my life. After all, He is the final Judge and I want Him to be proud of me and the decisions I made, the life I chose to live!
Please keep Brandon and I in your prayers as we wait! Please pray specifically that I will remain calm and stress free throughout the next 16 days. I do not want any unwanted hormones released that may cause the baby not to attach to my uterine wall! So please pray that this is the end to our wait! That our dreams will finally come true and our prayers for a little miracle baby will be answered!! We love you all and are so thankful for each one of you and your prayers!!!
Well, aside from the allergic reaction I had to one of the injections, the cycle went pretty good. It didn't turn out as we had initially planned but I am thanking God for absolutely anything at this point! After all, He is the reason we are here and progressing. And for that I am so thankful, no matter the outcome.
Even with the new injections and increase in dosage, I still only had one fully mature follicle. There were lots of smaller ones but the matured one dominates and kind of stops the growth of all the others. We are so thankful for this one follicle. So very thankful!
So, the good news of the whole cycle and something that really caught us off guard is that the one follicle I had, fully matured FIVE DAYS before the anticipated date!!!!!! Yes, FIVE WHOLE DAYS!!! So our IUI was moved up 3 days sooner. It made me nervous because we were suppose to abstain from intercourse for 4 days this cycle in hopes of getting a higher total motile sperm count, but we did get to abstain for 3 days so for that we are thankful. However, Brandon's count the day of the IUI was still only 4.8 million so we are just going with that number. It is the exact same as last cycle. I have came to the conclusion that God is working something great out of this for us and with a count of 4.8 million and only one mature follicle....It will be a true miracle to get pregnant on such low numbers, but you know what? My God is in the miracle business!!!
For now, we are still in the waiting game. I still feel like poo, but I am starting to feel a little better each day. I am trying to keep my stress level to a minimum and just relax for the next 16 days, as hard as that will be. I am suppose to be eating NO carbs however, that has been a huge task for me because even when I am just having my normal monthly visit from FLO, I crave sweets and starches! So with my hormones being so extreme, I crave these things more and it literally makes me want to crawl in a hole and stay there for the remainder of this cycle!!!
We are so blessed with certain people who have been such a great support system for us during the past couple of years that we have actively been pursuing our dreams. I could not imagine how we would've made it this far without our faith and our support system. You all know who you are and we love you and are so thankful for you in our lives.
My goal when I first started this blog, was to bring awareness to Infertility and those that are suffering with it. When I first boarded the "Infertility Express" I didn't have a clue what I was heading in to. No clue! Without those that are willing to share their story, I would've been so lost and clueless! I wanted to return the favor and make sure that those who are secretly suffering with infertility, know that they are NOT ever alone and there is always someone there to help you and answer your questions or offer support! This journey is shaping me into a person I never even imagined I could ever be. My faith has grown so much and for that I am ever so grateful. It makes me sad that God has to use our struggles and our sufferings to really bring His light through us, but in a lot of people, God is not fully glorified, if glorified at all, through our good times and our triumphs. I have made a pledge with myself, that even though God may not answer my prayers or give me the desires of my heart, I will still love and glorify Him in all aspects of my life. After all, He is the final Judge and I want Him to be proud of me and the decisions I made, the life I chose to live!
Please keep Brandon and I in your prayers as we wait! Please pray specifically that I will remain calm and stress free throughout the next 16 days. I do not want any unwanted hormones released that may cause the baby not to attach to my uterine wall! So please pray that this is the end to our wait! That our dreams will finally come true and our prayers for a little miracle baby will be answered!! We love you all and are so thankful for each one of you and your prayers!!!
Thursday, March 6, 2014
The next step!
WOW! It's been quite a while since my last post! 4 weeks to the date, to be exact! It has been really nice to take a break from treatment, from blogging, from certain people (as rude as that sounds) and from some of the stressful aspects of my life and to just focus on my school work, our new church, my life group and my family! It has been refreshing. However, this baby isn't going to make itself, so it is time to get the show back on the road. Here is a recap for those of you just joining me on this journey! I know there are some newbies and I want everyone to know our whole story!
So, here we are. Five years and 8 months later. Still pursuing our dream...Our miracle! I am so thankful that God has given us the strength, peace of mind and financial ability to pursue our Miracle!!
Last week, Brandon had another SA done and I had an appointment with Dr. L and really got a whole new outlook on this entire journey from here on out (well, I would say this came from lots and lots of constant prayer). We have a whole new plan of treatment because I have quit responding to some of the medication we have used prior. I am ever so thankful for such an amazing Doctor. I could never thank him enough for being so compassionate and caring about his patients and for the desire we have.
Today, I had my baseline ultrasound to check and make sure everything looks good and we are safe to move forward with the cycle. Everything looked great, other than my ovaries looking very polycystic, but she wasn't concerned and said we are clear to move forward. Saturday I will stop my birth control (used only to keep the cysts off of my ovaries and to give me the estrogen I need) and wait for a break through bleed somewhere around Tuesday. Next Friday I will take an at home pregnancy test and if it is negative, Saturday I will take all of my oral medication. We go back in about a week and a half to check and see how things are looking. Then we will have to bring out the big guns...The new injections! I am scared of how I will feel since every cycle has made me feel terrible and has caused so much pain. Since the new injection is to stimulate my ovaries to make more eggs, I can only imagine what I will feel like, but you know...My God is bigger than anything and will not give me any more than I can handle. After all, look at how far He has brought us!!
Without putting Jesus Christ first in my life and really growing in my faith recently, I would never be able to write this blog. I would never be able to say that I am content right now and that God WILL make me a Mother! Do not give up on pursuing your dreams because you are afraid! Do not let fear stand in the way of doing what God has set up for you to do! I am right where God wants me to be right now at this point in my life. I definitely wouldn't consider that selfish my friends!! I am being obedient!! God does NOT make mistakes in our lives. He has it planned out well before we were created. He loves us in a way you could never imagine and never wants us to hurt or be sad. He wants us to live a life of happiness and joy. But does that mean we will never experience hardship, pain, sadness, anger, financial problems, family problems, etc....?? Heck no!! Look at what Jesus had to endure! We are definitely not better than Jesus, so our problems are nothing compared to what He experienced.
If any of you take anything from reading my blog I want it to be this....
God is in control of every aspect of our lives. Whether you believe in God or not, He still has control! If you give Him your life, you will go far! I have endured so much hardship, infertility not being the only one either. But every thing we experience adds a spark of flavor and depth to our testimony and our overall story that God has written! If you are experiencing any hardship whether its infertility, marriage or financial problems, problems at work or just a plain ole' jacked up life...GOD IS IN CONTROL!!! He is in control of it all, just pray and let Him do what He has planned. It makes it much easier when we go with His flow instead of fighting it. Its like trying to avoid a spanking as a child...The more you run around the house acting crazy, trying to avoid it, the worse it is when your Mom or Dad actually catch up to you and spank your ever loving butt! God just sits back and watches us run around acting crazy trying to avoid the flow of His plans for us. But once we give in and let it just happen, its so much easier than putting up a fight.
I will keep you all updated as we continue on! Please please please be in prayer for us!! This cycle is our last resort before IVF. Of course we can do this type of IUI cycle as many times as we feel necessary, however there is nowhere to go except IVF from here. So please, please pray that we will be blessed with our little miracle come April! Thank you all for the love and support you have given us!! I love you all!!
- July 28, 2008 is the day we started trying to conceive. We started with the OBGYN and tracked things from there but 2 years went by and NOTHING.
- November 2010 I started seeing a Reproductive Endocrinologist at Shands UF. Rather than focus on the fact I have been trying to conceive with no luck for over 2 years, she focused on the reality that I may have endometrial cancer, preventing pregnancy and causing the terrible random bleeding I endured. So I went through an endometrial biopsy (extremely painful due to the endometrial lining being so thick) and it turned out I did not have cancer (PTL). Lab work indicated Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, which would explain the abnormal cycles I had, excess hair growth on my face and no baby. The doctor ordered a Semen Analysis at this time for Brandon and he refused to get it done for reasons unknown to me at the time. So I left it alone.
- We endured the next 2 years with the RE at Shands with no success due to the Doc being more concerned about me being overweight than helping with my infertility. I was told 10 to 20 lbs would get my cycles back to normal and I could possibly get pregnant on my own...WRONG!
- September 2012 I started seeing a Bariatric physician who helped me lose close to 60 lbs in about 4 months. Well...Still no baby...Normal cycles, yes, but still no baby.
- January 2013 we started going to our Reproductive specialist we are currently with now. Over the past 14 months we have endured extensive testing, more testing, lab work, bad news, testing of our faith, one failed timed intercourse cycle with injections and oral medications, finding out I have a genetic disorder that could prevent healthy pregnancies and cause miscarriages, 2 failed intrauterine insemination cycles...one with injections and oral medications and one they call a minimal stimulation cycle with 2 injections and oral medications. Brandon's sperm count has went from barely 5 million to 129 million back down to 4 million over the course of the past 12 months.
So, here we are. Five years and 8 months later. Still pursuing our dream...Our miracle! I am so thankful that God has given us the strength, peace of mind and financial ability to pursue our Miracle!!
Last week, Brandon had another SA done and I had an appointment with Dr. L and really got a whole new outlook on this entire journey from here on out (well, I would say this came from lots and lots of constant prayer). We have a whole new plan of treatment because I have quit responding to some of the medication we have used prior. I am ever so thankful for such an amazing Doctor. I could never thank him enough for being so compassionate and caring about his patients and for the desire we have.
Today, I had my baseline ultrasound to check and make sure everything looks good and we are safe to move forward with the cycle. Everything looked great, other than my ovaries looking very polycystic, but she wasn't concerned and said we are clear to move forward. Saturday I will stop my birth control (used only to keep the cysts off of my ovaries and to give me the estrogen I need) and wait for a break through bleed somewhere around Tuesday. Next Friday I will take an at home pregnancy test and if it is negative, Saturday I will take all of my oral medication. We go back in about a week and a half to check and see how things are looking. Then we will have to bring out the big guns...The new injections! I am scared of how I will feel since every cycle has made me feel terrible and has caused so much pain. Since the new injection is to stimulate my ovaries to make more eggs, I can only imagine what I will feel like, but you know...My God is bigger than anything and will not give me any more than I can handle. After all, look at how far He has brought us!!
Without putting Jesus Christ first in my life and really growing in my faith recently, I would never be able to write this blog. I would never be able to say that I am content right now and that God WILL make me a Mother! Do not give up on pursuing your dreams because you are afraid! Do not let fear stand in the way of doing what God has set up for you to do! I am right where God wants me to be right now at this point in my life. I definitely wouldn't consider that selfish my friends!! I am being obedient!! God does NOT make mistakes in our lives. He has it planned out well before we were created. He loves us in a way you could never imagine and never wants us to hurt or be sad. He wants us to live a life of happiness and joy. But does that mean we will never experience hardship, pain, sadness, anger, financial problems, family problems, etc....?? Heck no!! Look at what Jesus had to endure! We are definitely not better than Jesus, so our problems are nothing compared to what He experienced.
If any of you take anything from reading my blog I want it to be this....
God is in control of every aspect of our lives. Whether you believe in God or not, He still has control! If you give Him your life, you will go far! I have endured so much hardship, infertility not being the only one either. But every thing we experience adds a spark of flavor and depth to our testimony and our overall story that God has written! If you are experiencing any hardship whether its infertility, marriage or financial problems, problems at work or just a plain ole' jacked up life...GOD IS IN CONTROL!!! He is in control of it all, just pray and let Him do what He has planned. It makes it much easier when we go with His flow instead of fighting it. Its like trying to avoid a spanking as a child...The more you run around the house acting crazy, trying to avoid it, the worse it is when your Mom or Dad actually catch up to you and spank your ever loving butt! God just sits back and watches us run around acting crazy trying to avoid the flow of His plans for us. But once we give in and let it just happen, its so much easier than putting up a fight.
I will keep you all updated as we continue on! Please please please be in prayer for us!! This cycle is our last resort before IVF. Of course we can do this type of IUI cycle as many times as we feel necessary, however there is nowhere to go except IVF from here. So please, please pray that we will be blessed with our little miracle come April! Thank you all for the love and support you have given us!! I love you all!!
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Opinions
When Brandon and I first started this journey some 5 years 6 1/2 months ago, I never realized how cruel people could actually be to someone experiencing such pain/grief. For the most part, I kept our struggle, the doctor's appointments, etc...all secret, even to my own family. In the beginning, I assumed I was the only one I knew who was experiencing this struggle. Of course I had known people that it "took a while" however, I didn't know anyone at the time that was struggling and under the care of a reproductive endocrinologist. So, for the most part, I felt very much alone.
Over the past 5 1/2 years, I have really dealt with some rude comments, even from family. For the most part, I just blew it off because ignorance from others is definitely something you deal with when they have no clue about your struggle or your journey. When people don't know what the journey is all about and what infertility really is...Well, they just assume things and 9 out of 10 times, the assumptions are 100% wrong!! Or they "GOOGLE" stuff, all of which they assume is correct information...99% of the time, it doesnt apply to our journey!
After someone saying this past week (I am sure it has been said more than just this past week, but it just surfaced this past week) that I am selfish for wanting to be a mother, because I am:
Over the past 5 1/2 years, I have really dealt with some rude comments, even from family. For the most part, I just blew it off because ignorance from others is definitely something you deal with when they have no clue about your struggle or your journey. When people don't know what the journey is all about and what infertility really is...Well, they just assume things and 9 out of 10 times, the assumptions are 100% wrong!! Or they "GOOGLE" stuff, all of which they assume is correct information...99% of the time, it doesnt apply to our journey!
After someone saying this past week (I am sure it has been said more than just this past week, but it just surfaced this past week) that I am selfish for wanting to be a mother, because I am:
1) Putting myself first
2) Putting my desire to be a mother above anyone or anything else
3) Risking Brandon's health as well as my own
I have had to take a step back and gather myself.........As I said earlier....Ignorance is a given when people do not have a clue...This coming from someone who knows absolutely NOTHING about what Brandon and I have gone through. Only what has been told to them from others who know absolutely NOTHING about what Brandon and I have gone through.......
Anyone who has experienced infertility and is or has undergone treatments will tell you...
IF THERE IS A WAY AROUND GETTING HELP FROM A SPECIALIST AND PAYING RIDICULOUS AMOUNTS OF MONEY, GOING THROUGH RIDICULOUS AMOUNTS OF TESTING, INJECTIONS, MEDICATIONS, LAB WORK, EMOTIONAL STRESS, MARITAL STRUGGLES, BLAME, ETC ETC ETC....WE WOULD NOT BE DOING THIS IF WE DID NOT HAVE TO DO IT IN ORDER TO BE A MOTHER AND FATHER!!!!! IT WAS NOT SOMETHING WE ASKED TO HAPPEN TO US! IT WAS NOT A CHOICE!
I do not in any way, shape or form, see wanting to be a mother as being selfish! Yes, my way of becoming a Mother is not the easy way! I will not get the pleasure of unexpectedly popping up one morning, a week or two late on my period, and say to myself "Maybe I should take a pregnancy test...."
At this point, due to actual medical issues, our only option for conceiving is AGGRESSIVE INFERTILITY TREATMENTS, not just the basic IUI and possibly IVF!
And, by no means, am I sitting here behind this computer screen having to give an explanation of anything that has to do with WHY or HOW about our journey. I just feel that over the past few days, I needed to post this because someone else may be dealing with the same emotions or same ignorance from people and I want them to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!
This journey is not easy and for anyone to say that it is...Well, then that just proves you were never actually on this journey. There are days when you sit and cry all day, praying for God to just give you the strength to make it through one more cycle and praying for that cycle to please be successful because you just dont think you can take it anymore. There are days when you want to give up! There are days when you feel like punching people in the face when they give you their "ignorant advice" and their stupid comments! But, you keep praying for the strength to deal with it! To keep moving on!!
For those of you who dont know, it takes 2 people (male and female) to conceive a baby...When you get into actually doing infertility treatment, for those of you that don't know, it costs ALOT OF MONEY!!! Which if one spouse or the other did not approve or did not want to do the treatments, do you think they would pay the obscene amount of money for the treatments, medications, lab work, injections, etc etc etc....??? NO! This is a decision that Brandon and I made together!! Like most husbands and wives SHOULD do! Everything we do, we do together...It was not my decision or his, it was OURS! Years ago, Brandon did not want to get his semen analysis done...Therefore, he didn't until 3 years later...I never pressured him or said one word to him because I did not honestly know WHY he didn't want to get it done. We talked about our struggle and about the appointments I was attending monthly, but we never discussed the reason for him not wanting to go. I assumed he was uncomfortable and I felt that he would come around sooner or later. It hurt me, because I felt like he didn't care if he knew that his sperm was okay or not. But I never let my hurt, come between us and our marriage. Because I love him that much! So, if I was putting my desire to be a Mother above anyone or anything else, I could have left him right then and there, or I could have given him an ultimatum and told him, "Either you get it done now, or I am gone". So, again...Never assume!
Now that my rant is over...I wish to move along from this...I just want to get awareness out there about Infertility! And how mine and Brandon's Faith in God, has gotten us where we are today!! To really show others what is possible when you put God first! This post may not seem very "Christ-like" to some but being blunt and being on sins side, is two different things. I want everyone to know the reasoning behind why Brandon and I have chosen to continue on with this journey. Honestly, its because we have no other choice. Adoption costs between $30,000 and $50,000 from start to finish and sometimes more than that (for those that keep saying "there are plenty of children out there that need good homes and loving families"...) And honestly, if I have the opportunity to at least try to have my own biological child, I am going to do everything in my power to make that happen. And if it doesn't, then we will consider our options from that point on. But that is not anyone's decision except mine and Brandon's! And we would have to pray about it very hard before we made a decision.
I love getting comments, encouraging us and praying for us! We appreciate it more than any one of you could ever imagine! My only request is this... If you ever have questions, concerns or comments about our journey, DO NOT HESITATE TO ASK ME!!! Brandon will even be glad to answer "manly" questions for any of your men that may not fully understand the male role in all of this! I would rather someone ask me a million questions, than go on thinking what they assume is correct! Most of the time, it is not...No matter if you are a medical professional or not...You may not always know the whole story! So please don't hesitate to ask us! I love answering questions and talking about our journey with people! It is healing for me! Which is why I do this blog, for the most part! Awareness and healing!!
I love you all, and thank you again for the prayers, comments, messages I receive with every post!! We are still on a long journey, however hopefully after everything gets fully figured out (sperm count, lack of follicles, low progesterone level this cycle, thin uterine lining, etc etc etc) we will be on our way to the start of a new journey!! I will keep you guys updated as we continue on. As of right now I am waiting on an appointment date and Brandon has to get another semen analysis done within the next 2 weeks...So you know what that means for us...No "lovey dovey" for a minimum of 3 and no longer than 5 days. (He better get on the ball before Valentines Day! Bahahahaha) So, keep the prayers coming!!
Thursday, January 30, 2014
"Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails"
I will never understand in this life, why it is so hard for Brandon and I to become parents, yet the ones who do not appreciate it nor deserve it, it just happens for them....Yesterday morning I got up bright and early and got to the lab at 7:45am to have my blood drawn for my beta HCG test (pregnancy test)....I sent our nurse an email and asked her if she could please call us as soon as she gets the results because Brandon had to leave at 1pm for work and wouldn't get off until after 10pm. She emailed me back about 10:45 and said she would call as soon as she got the results. At 11:15 (give or take) she called and I knew when I saw the number on caller ID, that I would not be getting good news. I knew it in my heart, as I had the last 2 weeks. Sure enough, by the tone of her voice when she said "Hello Kristie" kind of monotone, I knew my heart was right. It was a BIG FAT NEGATIVE.....AGAIN....
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| Love this reminder of God's faithfulness |
I cannot thank each of you enough for praying for us. Please do not stop. Emotionally right now, I need them more than ever. My heart hurts. I am praying for God to show us the way and for Him to bless us soon. The same prayer I have prayed for 5 years and 6 months (2 days ago hit the 5 1/2 year mark for us trying to conceive...WOW).
I still have so much to be thankful for. I have a super supportive family consisting of my Mom, brother, Aunt, cousin, my best friend Addie and my Nana and Papa! My husband is my shoulder to lean on, he tries to keep me positive and grounded in this whole process. Without my family I am not sure how we would make it through. It is nice to have people who care and are there for us even when they have no idea what I am going through because infertility has never surfaced in my family until Brandon and I started trying. It is such a mystery. Especially when at this point, it is pretty much unexplained.....Since they are not concerned with Brandon's sperm anymore and I make beautiful little eggs and ovulate on command. It makes it harder when there is no explanation.
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| (This is what I feel God is saying) |
This just reminds me that it is ALL in God's timing. When there is no explanation for something, after being treated for 4 years by medical doctors...My friends, that right there is God's way of saying..."This is my doing, my plan for you. Stay strong my Child, for I've got this!" Well, that is what I think He is saying!
At this point, our plan consists of waiting (YES WAITING) for my monthly visitor to come (Yes, Flo) and then I will start back on my 2 to 3 weeks of birth control to ensure no cysts form over the next few weeks that would prevent any follicles from forming. Our nurse will be having a meeting with our Doctor on Wednesday when he is back in the office about what our next step is as far as treatment. Brandon wants to go straight for IVF this time but I feel that God is leading me somewhere else. I feel in my heart IVF should be our very last resort, no just financially, but I want to get pregnant as natural as possible if I can. Supposedly, they are not concerned with Brandon's 4.8 million sperm at this point. Our nurse discussed it with Dr. L and he said it is to be expected for there to be a fluctuation in sperm count and quality over the period of treatment. According to my chart, only 1 follicle was actually mature, despite the fact I was told there were 2 and that one was fully mature on that last ultrasound before our IUI, but the HCG injection would bump the other up to its desired size...I guess that didn't happen. My Beta HCG level was 2.9... which means there was a "possible implantation that failed"...Yes, that makes my heart hurt even more to know that my uterine lining was pretty thin 2 days before my IUI and was never checked again prior to make sure it would be thick enough after taking the Estrogen pills for 2 days...That will be a matter of discussion at our next appointment. We are NOT giving up people!! We have made it this far. As bad as I would like to give up because emotionally this is the hardest thing in my life I have done besides bury my Dad. That is how bad it hurts. And no one understands this unless you have been on this journey.
For anyone reading this that is going through this with us, please know that you are not alone. Ever! There is always someone who feels your pain. But my only words of advice...Trust God, Pray without ceasing, DO NOT GIVE UP! God will bless us, but not a moment too soon! I love you all! And thank you again for praying for us and being with us on this journey.
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