I have had a lot of people ask why I haven't updated my blog in a few weeks. So, I figured I would post and let everyone know how things are currently going for us on this journey to become parents.
In my last post, I let everyone know that Brandon and I have decided to take a short break to "recollect" ourselves and just let my body relax for a bit. We are still on that same road, waiting to decide when will be the best "starting back date" for us. We have been praying about it and God hasn't spoken to us yet with when is a good time.
Emotionally, making a decision to take a break has been the hardest of my life. The "what if" is killing me, but I know physically I need to take some time for me. Even mentally, I need some time. The past 6 years I have religiously tested every single month, at the least with 2 tests. I have practically used my husband, most of the time, as just a sperm donor. I have lost who I am in this whole emotional mess I am in. I have taken basal temps, charted what was supposed to be ovulation that never happened, lay with my butt in the air for hours and hours and hours, checked for cervical mucus (gross I once thought but now if its there it is such a blessing), taken all kinds of weird vitamins, drank special teas, ate special food, lost 50 pounds (which still isn't enough), seen 5 different doctors including 3 GYN and 2 Reproductive Endo, had biopsies of my uterus, exam after exam after exam, probably would be a 2 or 3 gallon blood giver by now if it was being measured with all of the lab work I have had done over the past 6 years, been sick almost every month for the past 2 years due to medication additions and adjustments including one hospital stay for a jacked up heart, had to see a shrink and a therapist, lost friends, lost enough money to buy a brand new home, starting to lose a marriage that I so deeply do not want to lose because we have neglected one another in the midst of trying to conceive, quit my job to pursue treatments and work on my BA....I am sure so many more things have occurred but right now my brain is at its whits end so that is all I can recollect right now.
With all of that said, there are some pretty good things that have came out of this. I wouldn't want to leave those things out! This is how God is working in my life! For instance, I have met some pretty amazing people on this journey! Life long friends and some do not even live here and I may not ever meet them in person because they live across the country. But these ladies have been so supportive, loving and caring that I will always have a special place in my heart for them. The most important thing is that I came to really know Jesus through this journey! I got saved on April 20, 2011 after getting to the end of my own personal, lonely rope. I knew that the only way I was going to make it was by finding Jesus and starting a relationship with Him! Since then, I have had the amazing opportunity to share God's faithfulness through this journey by writing this blog and being able to speak to women on a one to one basis and most recently spoke at my church on Mother's Day about our story. Although I am always generally negative about this whole journey (there isn't much positive about wanting something you can't have), there are specific reasons I am thankful for it, like the ones above! In every miserable, depressing journey, there are always a few things God sends us to show us that He is at work in it. This story of mine is a great example!
For those that have asked me through Facebook, we are NOT "giving up" or stopping treatments. Right now, our Doctor wants to work a few things out with Brandon's sperm (at my request) which is still low in numbers. Doc thinks more than 3 million is great for IUI but I still feel like we need as many as we can possibly get! He will go in for another semen analysis here soon and we will go from there. If the count has gone up then we will stay where we are, not adding in any new meds for him and pray for God to give us the answers we are looking for as to when we should start back treatments. Right now I am trying to make a decision about school and our future. I already know I will be a stay at home Mom because this is something Brandon and I have talked about for a very long time now. But I want to have a good career that I can fall back on in the instance we need it. So that is important to us right now too, that we make the right decisions. I know if we continue treatments, I will not be able to start any type of program because with my blood pressure and my A-Fib I would be most likely high risk and I do not know what will come of that and pregnancy mixed together. And of course, our baby or babies will ALWAYS come first!
Please join us in praying for answers! We are praying specifically for God to manifest to us when we should go back and do another round of treatments. We are praying for Brandon's count to be more than 10 million on his next analysis! We are also praying for God to guide us in what our next step will be for treatment. We are currently talking IVF but have not made any decisions, considering the amount of money it costs for IVF ($8,000-$10,000 for one cycle depending on what type of IVF we do) and the toll it takes on my body. Plus our Doctor has told us many times that we do not need IVF because nothing is wrong other than a low but not severely low, sperm count. So we are praying for answers to all of that right now. God will not lead us down the wrong path. We have faith that He will work it all out for our good! I love getting messages from you guys asking questions and being concerned for us! I love the encouragement because even the most faithful gets down in the dumps every now and then (not that I am the most faithful but I am working on it). It really helps me get through! Thank you all for the kind words and prayers! Keep them coming! Also, please pray for healing for my heart. I have been having some more issues with palpitations most likely bouts of A-Fib again as well as an unstable blood pressure (high). I know its stress because I have been stressing about many things including when to start another round of treatment. So please pray for that as well!! I love you all and I will continue to pray for all of my fellow infertility sisters! God is with us ladies!! Always with us!!!
P.S: I haven't forgotten about blogging my personal testimony of how and why I found Jesus when I did. I am still praying about that too!
(Disclaimer: Everything in my blog posts is my own personal experience. We each have our own story)
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