The ultrasound from Friday was great. We have 3 maturing follicles (eggs) and one is almost mature but the others are needing an extra little push. That is on my left ovary. The right has a few smaller ones that most likely wont get fully mature but who am I to say what can or can't happen. My God is way bigger than anything and just like the last cycle we did, he can prevail in making these eggs mature way faster than the Doctors think. I will just let him do the work!
So I started Follistim injections last night as well to just give them all that extra little push to get to growing! I have not done these as of yet so I have been kind of worried at how they would make me feel. Well, after last nights first and largest dose, I feel crampy which is expected and have been really tired and feeling ran down...Not sure if that is from the injection or the weather, probably a little of both but any way I put it, it is not nausea or severe pain so I am thankful for that!!
I will continue the Follistim every night until Tuesday when our IUI #1 is planned. I will go back in on Monday morning for my final ultrasound of the cycle to get the definite on how many mature little eggs we will have to work with. Or should I say, how many Brandon's little guys have to work with! Either way, we will know how many possible babies there may be! And that makes me excited. I know there will at the least be 3 that will be a perfect size for conception so you never know! If God see's that this is our time, triplets may be in order!! I have only asked God to bless us with ONE sweet little blessing and I would never ask for another one! And just to think that there is a chance that we could have multiples is such a huge blessing! God will not give me more than I can handle. Either way it goes, He will receive ALL of the glory and praise! After all, if it wasn't for God, we would never have made it this far!
I feel that sometimes my family or my husbands family has NO idea what we go through and I was assured that recently. They have NO clue. Some just dont ask because honestly, they dont care and others just dont see it as a big deal. I have read so many posts on one of my Facebook groups that other people are having this same issue with family and friends so I just decided that I was not alone and that my family or my husbands family is not the only ones who have no idea. I was talking to a friend the other day and when asked about this whole process and how scary it is to think about all I could say is this is the worst experience I have ever been through, next to losing my Dad. The emotions, the stress, the wondering, the worry, the begging and pleading of God to just show you why or what the future holds and last but not least, the grief. Yes, I said it...Grief! Each and every month that you are doing a cycle with a fertility doctor, or taking medication given to you by your GYN, that you get a big fat negative test....It is a loss...That is the best way I can describe it! And I am not the only one who feels this way either. Fellow women who are experiencing this with me, feel the same way. Every month there is no positive test is a loss in our world. We grieve it just as if we have lost someone we love. "Why would you compare your fertility experience to losing a loved one?" some may ask....Well, unless you have experienced it yourselves, it is hard for you to question how we feel. Think about it this way, you go all month praying and praying for this one thing to happen. Then you actually get this feeling that "We may finally be pregnant!!" and you go about 2 weeks thinking you are...You trick yourself into thinking you are pregnant because you feel nauseous only due to your hormones getting ready to make you have your period....Your boobs get sore as all get out for the same reason but you get your hopes all up and think "this is it! We have to be pregnant! I have all the symptoms...nausea, sore boobs". Then you get excited! And when you get your period, or a negative at home pregnancy test or even worse, a call from your Reproductive Spec office saying "I am sorry I dont have good news. The cycle did not take this time.", you literally get an overwhelmingly strong feeling of total loss! Total and complete loss. You hang up the phone and cry for hours and hours....Inconsolable tears....
With all of that being said my friends and family, this journey has been one that I never want to be on again. One that I have no idea how I would have ever gotten this far, only with Jesus by my side. I do not wish Infertility on my worst enemy. It has been the absolute most horrible 5 years of my life. I am thankful though, because I was lead to accept Jesus Christ as my personal savior and I have met some amazing people that will remain lifelong friends of ours. I have been able to testify to how great and amazing our God is and continues to be to a wretch like me! Someone who talked bad about people and bad about myself....Someone who cursed and drank. Someone who was so angry at God for my Dad being taken away from us too soon...Someone who has been angry at God for not allowing me to have children yet but giving this complete blessing to those who don't deserve it at all....Jesus Christ has been here for me when family has not! Jesus Christ has been here for me even when my husband hasn't been. He makes us all promises that we can be reminded of each and every day if all we did was just read His word! He will not break those promises to us! I can't think of someone better to give your life too than someone who absolutely will never give up on you, will love you unconditionally no matter what you do, makes promises that He will actually keep and someone who has died for you so that you may live eternal life in Heaven and so your sins that you commit daily are wiped clean and are thrown as far as the east is to the west away from God's view. He forgives you for EVERYTHING you do as long as you ask for His forgiveness. Isn't that just amazing?? I think so! Which is exactly why I am thankful for this journey leading me to Him! Because no matter who thinks what, I can be a hippocrite in your eyes...I can be whatever you want me to be, but while you are suffering here on earth, I will be rejoicing in Heaven with my loved ones who have gone on before me! You can be there too!! All you have to do is ask Jesus to be your personal Lord and savior. Ask for him to forgive all of your sins and make you NEW! To come into your heart! Its an amazing feeling and to know that you will not perish but have everlasting life is an even more amazing feeling!!
I will leave you today with this. God's love never fails. It is eternal! Absolutely, without a doubt, I never would be where I am today if it wasn't for the love of Jesus Christ! I wouldn't be here writing this post or any other post for that matter. We wouldn't be this far on our journey if it wasn't for Jesus Christ having His hands on us and hearing every single prayer that has gone up for us! We are so thankful for each and every one of you that has prayed for us. Please continue to pray as we have a really stressful couple of days coming up then a super stressful 16 days to wait on our "test day". Thank you all and we love you!!
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