As I sit here today thinking back over the past year, I can't help but feel sad and thankful both at the same time.
When we started our current journey with our newest Doctor on January 16th, 2013, I really had faith that it would not take long and we would be closing this chapter of our book and starting the next one. But, God had other plans, as I have said all along.
I am sad because my dreams have still not came true, my prayers for a healthy happy little miracle has yet to be answered. I am thankful because I have came so far, spiritually...Still working on my emotional thing, but its hard to always be so positive when it seems like the world around you is crashing down and all of your hopes and dreams are crashing down with it. It is hard when you have no choice but to let certain relationships go, even when its family, because it is toxic to your life, health, fertility, and your general emotional well being. People that are unhappy with their life will always try to make everyone else around them unhappy as well. And when you throw jealousy into the mix, a very long drawn out bout with jealousy, well....It makes for a very toxic area of your life and that had to go. I am thankful for this journey showing me who is real, who is with us on this journey, who is honest, caring, loving, supportive, who is there whether it is a good moment or a bad moment. Those that are genuinely there because they love us, not because they need a certain "feeling" out of a situation to make themselves look and feel like they accomplished something by being there for their own family when they need them. I am thankful for that.
I am thankful because I have been able to testify to God's grace and faithfulness. Even though I may not be pregnant yet (key word: YET), God has done major work in my life and if it wasn't for this journey, I wouldn't be where I am today. I have a long way to go, a very long way, but I am no where near where I used to be when I was living without my heart and my eyes focused on Him and His faithfulness.
Our journey may be coming to an end, as we are awaiting our Beta HCG test very soon (not offering the date because I wish to keep that one little tad bit of information "secret" until we know the result). I know that God already has His perfect plan all layed out for us, and He already knows if my miracle has arrived in my belly! Please continue to pray for us, because it is not over yet.
I will leave you with this verse that has really played on my heart recently. I have always felt like I needed to be a certain way, pray a certain way, think a certain way, etc etc etc...in order for God to be proud of me, hear my prayers, or even answer my prayers. Boy was I wrong!
Luke 17:6 says "And the Lord said, “If you had faith like a grain of mustard seed, you
could say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be uprooted and planted in the sea,’
and it would obey you."
All we need a little bit of faith and BIG things can happen! Of course, it still will only happen in God's perfect timing!
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