Today is one of "those" days for me...Put on a smile for everyone at work so they don't see your pain, then break down in the car on the way home because your heart just aches...Yeah, one of those days. Ever since my Dad died there has been an empty space in my heart and my life. Some people learn to move on from death/loss and grief but some just don't have that about them...I am one that just doesn't have it to move on. Within 6 months, I lost my Dad, got married, attempted to start a family, moved to Atlanta, Georgia....I think that's about it...Then over the next 4 years, still not pregnant but finally getting some answers. That loss is still there though.
Some Psychiatrists and/or Psychologists say that dealing with infertility is a form of loss and grieving is the coping mechanism we tend to use. Makes sense to me. After my Dad died, I cried every day for 3 years. Literally, every single day up until last year I cried at some point because my heart just hurt so bad. For the last 3 and a half years, I have cried every time I see a baby, every time I watch something about a baby being born, every month when "flo" comes to visit and even at those times when I thought to myself "maybe I could be pregnant" when "flo" didn't come at all. Yeah, sounds pretty similar to the tears I have shed over losing my Dad. Sounds like grieving to me. I have been told by some pretty amazing Behavioral Health Specialists that I am still in the grieving process with losing my Dad and until I can get past it, move on and realize that no matter the tears it will never bring him back, that he is in a much better place than I am and death is a part of life! You can not live, without dying. I guess I have to learn that no matter how many tears I cry, they will not make me miraculously pregnant that month. (hmm......)
My point is, it is normal to feel a sense of loss or grief in the infertility process. I have been sad about it for almost 5 years now. When you want something so bad and you have absolutely no control over it getting here....It makes you feel defeated and weak..(and sad too I might add). But I have learned that every tear, every want, every trip into Babies R Us just because you want to look and feel the sweet little things that your baby will one day wear or need. All of that is apart of God's ultimate plan for you and your life. Had my Dad not been killed when he was, I never would've needed God so much that I chose to rededicate my life to Him 2 years later. Had my Dad not died when he did, I never would've went to the doctor when I did to be told that I needed to come off of my birth control and was asked if we were "ready" to become parents(if not we needed to use protection) and then later found out that I have PCOS. None of this would've happened in the order it did, had the Lord not took my Dad so soon. In no way would I ever say that I am glad He took him when He did...I miss my Dad so much it hurts unbearably. But I am thankful that out of all of the sadness, depression, grieving and anger, came love and devotion by me marrying the love of my life...came dedication to the Lord and me wanting to learn more of His word and what He expects of me as a follower of Christ...came answers, long awaited, but we finally have answers! I finally have an understanding that everything happens for a reason and we may not always find out why, but during those times where we do find out why...We become forever thankful and obedient.
Infertility is nothing to be ashamed of. It is nothing to hide or keep secret. Those of us that can talk about it, shed light on the issue and try to make a better understanding to those that have no idea what it is like to be in our shoes. Or for those that are in our shoes, and really feel alone...You are not! I have met some people that are secretive and some that want the world to know that without the help of "special" doctors, God could not have blessed them with their sweet little miracles! It is all about the JOURNEY!! God planned out your journey for you long before you were born! He knew exactly what would happen, long ago! Keep your faith up!! We are all in this together!
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